# The long and winding divorce..... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 1, 2012, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510 "2012-11-01T01:44:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2012, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/21 "2012-11-01T15:19:38Z")
> [@Spoons](#): > > Typically, no; parties in a divorce cannot use the same lawyer. It creates an ethical conflict of interest for the lawyer.. Ah, that is different from the netherlands then. It is possible for couples here to use a lawyer that advertises as a mediator and then have a notary make up the court documents. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2012, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/22 "2012-11-01T15:21:20Z")
> **[Collaborative Divorce.net — Resolve Your Divorce Without Going To Court](https://www.collaborativedivorce.net/)** > > Resolve Your Divorce Without Going To Court ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Doom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Dr\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Doom)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2012, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/23 "2012-11-01T15:24:28Z")
> [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](#): > > My brother in law did this with his first wife and it didn’t turn out so well for him. I understand why he did it – it was a resigned “let’s get this over with as easily and quickly as possible” kind of deal. Now he has joint custody and is paying their mom to take care of 3 kids, but they’re always over at his house. He isn’t too motivated to get his custody situation corrected either. > > In theory, I can understand using one lawyer as a go-between and mediator. If only reality were that easy. My understanding from years ago, was that if the children are spending inordinate time (ie using your resources =money=) with one of the parties, in a way not agreed upon in the separation agreement, which becomes the divorce agreement here, then everything should be documented and receipts faithfully kept, as one should be able to somehow recoup those costs from the party who is being duly remunerated to normally have those costs incurred upon them. It’s a pain, sure, but fair is only fair _if you can prove i_t. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2012, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/24 "2012-11-01T15:32:25Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Cat Whisperer, AKA Feather Lou, is this you? Did you change your name yet again? I can barely keep up. > [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > \ > Temporary Halloween hijinks. That’s right - it looks like it’s back to normal now. If things have been unpleasant between you and your wife for some time now, your kids might surprise you - I spent a lot of time as a kid _wishing_ my fighting, screaming parents would get a divorce. If you and your soon-to-be-ex wife are both happier apart, it’s entirely possible the kids will pick up on that. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2012, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/25 "2012-11-01T15:35:47Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > That’s right - it looks like it’s back to normal now. > > If things have been unpleasant between you and your wife for some time now, your kids might surprise you - I spent a lot of time as a kid _wishing_ my fighting, screaming parents would get a divorce. If you and your soon-to-be-ex wife are both happier apart, it’s entirely possible the kids will pick up on that. There’s never been any fighting or screaming. My wife has been a depressed, despondent, self-absorbed poor excuse for a human for years though. Jeez. I shouldn’t get into it. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/26 "2012-11-02T02:52:43Z")
So, she’s delusional now and thinks she can go out and buy a condominium while we both hold a mortgage on this house. I tried to tell her that the bank would no doubt decline her mortgage application since, you know, we already have a mortgage on a home and until we sell she (with an Administrative Assistant’s salary) wouldn’t have a hope in hell of attaining another mortgage. This is the kind of free-wheeling spending shit I’ve been going through for 15 years. She has no ability to understand basic principles and has literally single-handedly fucked me on my credit rating without my knowledge. Thanks! ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/27 "2012-11-02T03:10:31Z")
So…it’s going well then? ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/28 "2012-11-02T03:12:31Z")
> [@ladyfoxfyre](#): > > So…it’s going well then? Thanks for your support. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/29 "2012-11-02T03:14:19Z")
I just got divorced earlier this year, I’m not without sympathy. ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/30 "2012-11-02T03:45:33Z")
My ex and I managed to have a very civil dissoultion of our nearly 20-year marriage (with two kids) within the space of three months, using one lawyer (mine, that he paid $600 for) with a minimum of drama. We even drove together and back to the courthouse and he took me out to lunch afters. Ok, there was SOME drama, but not about the legal issues. But we owned no property, agreed on how to divide up the bills and the two cars and basically had no money, and not as a result of someone’s delusional spending…we were just broke. So it CAN be done. The important thing is to make sure your kids know that THEY are your most important priority right now…not a new relationship, not getting back into dating, not finding yourself…just continuing on being a parent as you did before and then some. I truly believe my kids (who are now parents themselves and in their late twenties/early thirties) would still have a relationship with their dad if he had done this. As it is, he hasn’t spoken to them in years, doesn’t know they are married or where they live, and doesn’t know he’s a grandpa three times over. They just were not a priority for him at any point, and they did plenty of acting out to get his attention. And your kids are at that very rough time where they do not want to admit they need you and your attention…they try to act all cool and sophisticated and grown-up about joning the ranks of divorced kids, but they still need to know that they and their activities come first in your life…they really could care less if you are happy or getting laid. So give them a few years of the same level of parenting you would have given them if you were still married. And if your wife is as flaky as she seems, they will definitely need you to be stable and boring and available. ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/31 "2012-11-02T03:59:01Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > I’m really worried about the kids, which is why this has dragged on for so long. Don’t worry too much about that, kids are pretty resilient. My parents split when I was seven, under less than desirable circumstances. But it turned out alright. As long as both of you have a unified front when it comes to the kids and they know that you both still love them and both can be civil towards each other around them. It should be ok. ---
**Author:** ![sisu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@sisu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sisu)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/32 "2012-11-02T04:27:45Z")
hang in there mate, try to be the better man is the best advice I got and it seems to work! ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/33 "2012-11-02T04:35:57Z")
My parents split and started their divorce when I was about that age. It was the best fucking god damn thing that happened to me when I was a kid. I was so sick of my parents being so unhappy together and fighting all the time. I was actually HAPPY for them to finally get divorced. So, to everyone (including the OP) who thinks the kids might be devastated by this… they might not. Also, my mom has the worst financial sense in the world and racked up huge, huge, huge amounts of debt while married to my Dad, so it sounds like this is a similar kind of situation. You have my support and sympathy. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/34 "2012-11-02T05:14:32Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > So, she’s delusional now and thinks she can go out and buy a condominium while we both hold a mortgage on this house. I tried to tell her that the bank would no doubt decline her mortgage application since, you know, we already have a mortgage on a home and until we sell she (with an Administrative Assistant’s salary) wouldn’t have a hope in hell of attaining another mortgage. > > This is the kind of free-wheeling spending shit I’ve been going through for 15 years. She has no ability to understand basic principles and has literally single-handedly fucked me on my credit rating without my knowledge. > > Thanks! Ach - that sucks! Well, you’ve started the process of unhooking your life from hers - it’ll be done at some point in the future (hopefully not too far from now). ---
**Author:** ![scareyfaerie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scareyfaerie/32/3135_2.png) [@scareyfaerie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scareyfaerie)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/35 "2012-11-02T15:31:24Z")
I feel for you, **Leaffan**. As others have said, the important thing is to focus on your kids and make sure they are not suffering with all the stuff that’s going on, and of course to get yourself a good lawyer! ---
**Author:** ![the\_Lady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bb73d2/32.png) [@the\_Lady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_Lady)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/36 "2012-11-02T15:43:24Z")
Just another voice chiming in about kids wishing their parents would divorce. Mine didn’t, and family life was terrible from the age of 12 on. Your kids know you will be happier apart - and therefore so will they. Also - two Christmases! Thinking of you - hang in there. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/37 "2012-11-02T15:53:11Z")
Tough time, I feel for you. I chose to try and keep the ex and the kids in the same house as not to disrupt their lives. Looking back I have mixed feelings. I was able to get the kids through college but her spending sprees kept me broke for 15 years. All is good now so I feel I did the right thing. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/38 "2012-11-02T16:51:41Z")
Good luck; hang in there; let us know how it goes. **adds voice to chorus of "wish my parents had just divorced already!"** ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/39 "2012-11-02T16:54:38Z")
Thanks for all the support. No one else knows about this yet. You folks are my sounding board. I’ll pop in and update from time to time. Thanks. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2012, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/40 "2012-11-02T16:55:59Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > This is the kind of free-wheeling spending shit I’ve been going through for 15 years. She has no ability to understand basic principles and has literally single-handedly fucked me on my credit rating without my knowledge. Which clearly demonstrates the need to lawyer up and protect yourself. Good Luck. Hope things turn out well for you. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510.md?page=3)