The long awaited Ugly House Photos

I love staring at the kitchen walls.

Of course, I had to wait until I stopped seizuring before I could post this.

Is it wallpaper, or did someone rag-roll the walls with a loaded diaper after a meal of strained carrots?

It’s a knock-off version of Contac paper. At least it’s easy to wash. Fortunately, we’ll be removing 2 of the afflicted walls, so I’ll only have to peel it off the other 2. Hope it doesn’t do too much damage.

I’m so glad that someone started with a worse kitchen than we did!
We bought our house a year ago and have/had a lot of the same features of yours. Dark wood paneling, bad carpet, a truly horrible cutesy country decorating scheme in the bathroom that really clashes with the bright aquamarine and black shower tiles… :dubious:

The kitchen was full of dark wood paneling, orangy varnished cabinets (Crappy, crappy cabinets too. These things are so cheap and ugly.), the fake wood counters, orange flooring and a nice golden fridge.

The kitchen.

We repainted the kitchen and painted the cabinets white, which went a long way in making it better. We’ll be putting down a wood floor soon, and probably refacing the cabinets. There will also be new countertops someday.
We have a nice big yard and deck, and a bunch of nice big trees in the yard, though, so I can deal with having to do a little bit of work inside to make it look decent as well.

Sucks to be you, Ms. Fairy. And I mean that with all the sympathy I can muster.

  1. Make all the dark wood go away.

  2. Remove all wallpaper and don’t put any more up. Ever.

  3. Check for wooden floors. If you don’t have it, look into Pergo or something similar.

  4. A new front door will be pretty expensive, but well worth your investment.

  5. Valences OUT!

  6. Warm colors are your friend.

  7. My girlfriend painted a fireplace and it actually turned out very nice.

You’re a brave one, FairyChat Mom.

First off, thanks for inviting us in :wink: Congrats on buying the house too! It looks like a fun project.

I definitely see the appeal from the front of the house. Especially the long porch and pillars. Stick a pitcher of limonade out there!

As for the lions…hehe. I don’t know if this was a purposeful typo but the caption above the picture said…

The loins? Hehe. Ok, I’m immature.

The stained glass front doors just scream “Welcome to Shakey’s Pizzeria!” The carpet, from what I can tell, looks ok. The borders don’t. I like the switchplates. Don’t ask why tho.

The curtains…well, let’s just say it’s nice that you have a fireplace. Seriously, it looks like you’re seperating first class from economy on Ozark Airlines.

The paneling. It’s sad when this is done to a nice home. Whatever you do, don’t paint over it.

The kitchen. Kermit: “It’s become less easy being green”. Draw a pentagram on the floor and start chanting “harvest yellow, avocado green” unti the spirit of Larry from Three’s Company arrives to make the drink special from the Regal Beagle. Honestly, I like the dark brown cabinets with the green countertops. I’m assuming that the radar range pushed the cabinets up when it was installed, because that doesn’t look right. The switchplates, well, they had a kitchen them and they ran with it. I don’t understand the contac paper on the walls. It’s very confusing, hold me.

OK, the bathroom, first off, let’s talk about patterns. Pick one. The sink is different from the cabinet, is different from the floor, is different from the toilet seat. It makes a handy epicac.

The guest/sewing room. It reminds me of a highlighted college text book. If you wanna have fun put bright green polka dots all over until the trompe l’oeil subdues your company.

The red room (red rum red roooooooom!) Well, I’m highly prejudiced against borders and this is no exception. I don’t remember a time when pink and red matched. Ever. Mirrored closet doors. If you decide to replace these, save 'em all up and make a haunted maze in the garage for the kids on halloween.

The room with the gold-veined tiles. (Master suite) At least the curtains and borders match here. But the inside of the closet looks blue in the picture to me and not purple.

The master bath. Heh. The wallpaper details are fun-ny. I think it’s safe to assume that this was done by a woman. It makes me think of what a man would do given the same options. I’m picturing snapshots from a Playboy with decopage. I don’t know why.

I have to stop here and ask if you’ve met the previous owners. I really want to know what their obsession with making sure there are mirrors in every frickin’ room. (I know that it adds an illusion of space, but c’mon.)

The basement actually looks like a lot of fun and tons o’ room. Luckily this has been untouched by the floral hand. And a basement fireplace! VERY COOL!

The backyard is really spacious and has a lot of options open for it.

That was a fun tour! There’s definitely a wonderful house beneath the pounds of decorative touches! CONGRATS!

Wow, that looks like an odd combination of the house I grew up in and the house I live in now.

Currently, I have that exact wallpaper border with the ugly flowers on it in my bedroom. I have green-veined mirror tiles in my living room (hidden by my beautiful china hutch), my kitchen cabinets look suspiciously like those, and I too have plywood valances. In my defense, it’s a rental. If I buy it, I’ll be doing some major renovating.

And the contact paper! I think my mom had that in the 70s, during her odd brown mushroom phase. We too had lots of avocado green appliances, but I think our countertops were harvest gold. I bet that place had green or gold shag rugs once upon a time.

Oh yeah? Screw you and your little fairy cherubs too.
My mailing address is Nowhere near approaching 70’s nirvana like your new place. :slight_smile:

[overthetopgaydecorator]SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS!!! swoonfaintthud[/overthetopgaydecorator]

Ummm… FCM you know I love ya more than two first class round trip tickets to Paris with all expenses paid but ugly is the nicest word for that house. I so wish I could be there for Ugly Fest. This needs to be seen in person.

Did a deranged decorator break into their home and force the previous owners to decorate hideously? That could go a long ways towards explaining things. Did they win a million dollar shopping spree at KMart? That would help explain things too. I just don’t know what to say.

Heh. Y’all wanted to build a house but decided to buy one you could redo. By the time you finish with this remodel you will have built a new house. :smiley:

I agree with Steve about the lions. Move em down to the street. Lions should protect the whole yard. The flamingoes are a nice touch and I hope they are staying. BTW, just what in hell is growing in those flower beds? It looks like a collard patch. The backyard is great. Plenty of room for a pool, a hot tub and a pony!

The sliding glass doors to nowhere are a hoot! Fortunately there is plenty of room for a very nice, large deck there. Perfect place for that hot tub.

The kitchen. Ummmm… ain’t nothing I could say that you haven’t already said or thought about saying. Do keep the percolator. I don’t know why you should but I just think you should.

The chandelier and mirrored tiles in the dining room are just disturbing. :eek: The chandelier might be worth redoing but I got a feeling it’s bright brass. I have a feeling there is a lot of bright brass. I know that’s going. However, all the little glass baubles on the chandelier could be made into stunning evening jewelry. :stuck_out_tongue:

I foresee several years of remodeling happening here. I foresee stock in Home Depot and Lowe’s increasing in price just based on this remodel alone.

[overthetopgaydecorator]Bring in the wrecking ball STAT[/overthetopgaydecorator]

Did you giggle and snicker all during the first tour? I don’t think I coulda held it in.

FCM, I must be the only one, but the page o’ hideous pictures won’t open for me! I get a message that can’t be found.

Any suggestions for me? I want in on the ugly!

Holy frijoles, there’s a lighthouse on the toilet seat.


When I used to use contact paper for airbrush mask, stubborn pieces would come off after you swabbed a little rubber cement thinner on it.

If that front door is still a good one and doesn’t leak heat , why dont you call a glazier and see if he can change the glass for you? I’m thinking it might be cheaper than completely replacing the door.

It looks like a good home with a lot of potential. Congratulations!


Woo, that house makes Roseanne’s TV house look tasteful.

I’m not sure why it won’t open for you, but you might try again later - sometimes I have a hard time getting in myself. If you can’t, drop me a line and I’ll just email the pics to you.

I hope your husband, if he’s man enough, fights this tooth and nail. Nothing would be more appropriate for garage beers than an Avocado fridge.

And exactly where do your knitted potholders fit into this mess, hmmmmmmm?

Yikes. Have fun redecorating. I’d say you’re a shoo-in for one of those redecorating shows.

I thought you were going to live on a boat?

Don’t forget the before and after photos.

Oh sweet jeebus, there’s more than just the one page of pictures.

Phone jack in the bathroom, handy for those telemarketing calls. First step from the sliding glass door looks like a doozy.

My whole house was the red room, only not as tidy. My basement was unfinished too, that was my funnest project. It’s now the guy’s room. Soon you will know every aisle of Home Depot/Lowes.

Great yard.

You’ll be amazed at what your own two hands have done in a year. Enjoy it, and be creative.

I think you were very wise to buy a home with so many possibilities! Your yard is to die for - so pretty and serene.

Our home was in very similar shape with the added bonus of carpeting remnants cut to fit some of the rooms (no padding - just carpet) which had been peed on by their dogs an infinite number of times. When you first walked in, the stench would knock you over! The pee saturated carpeting was actually stuck to the wood floors underneath and had to be scraped up - blech!

Our hall bathroom had yours beat - lmao - burgundy bathtub, toilet and sink with BLACK curtains, bathmat, toilet covers, etc. Oh yes, they carried the black over into the MBR and had black curtains and mini blinds in there as well :eek:

Five years seems to be the magic number in finishing up home repairs and remodeling for us as well. All the floors have been refinished/replaced, walls repainted, lighting fixtures replaced, hardware (door knobs, etc) updated, blinds and custom (made by yours truly) curtains replaced.

Financially, we got the best bargain in the neighborhood. 2200 sq ft living, 1/2 acre lot and on a quiet, dead end street for $75K and we could get $125K for easily. I’ll bet your home was a steal for the neighborhood as well!

Congrats - when you’re finished I’m sure your new home will be beautimous. It has great bones!

We didn’t snicker too badly when we first saw it. but the snark factor has been off the scale since we got here. I think they had a serious phobia about fire - there are smoke detectors in every room, plus several in the basement, fire extinguishers everywhere, and a sensor in the garage wired to an alarm in the master bedroom, in case the cars spontaneously burst into flame in the middle of the night.

Then there are the thermometers, and all the kitschy yard art - those aren’t flamingos in the front - they’re storks and herons. The flamingos are in the back. And there’s a concrete deer in front, plastic squirrels and grasshoppers and birds and things, plus wooden “tulips” and several tires used as planters.

Believe it or not, the man who owned the place (he’s 87 now) used to be the plasterer for the White House and Blair House! Obviously he wasn’t the decorator.

My kitchen accent color will be dark green - the knitted potholders will work perfectly! And we were living on the boat, up until last Thursday. Our plans to build fizzled when we found out that the county here won’t let you build your own place and the contractors are all so busy, you can’t get them to return your calls.

So we went out and found exactly what we wanted! :smiley: