# The Long Island Railroad is full of Fuckmeisters and I just wanted to fit in. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 13, 2003, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-island-railroad-is-full-of-fuckmeisters-and-i-just-wanted-to-fit-in/181615 "2003-06-13T16:42:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-island-railroad-is-full-of-fuckmeisters-and-i-just-wanted-to-fit-in/181615/1 "2003-06-13T16:42:51Z")
It gets crowded on my morning train-- I work from 9 to 5 and then I take another home again. . . . Sorry, Sheena Easton flashback. So it’s crowded and I say “Excuse me” to this man who has his briefcase on the seat next to him. He moves it and when I sit down, spreads his legs really, reeeaaalllly wide, shoves his shoulder underneath mine and proceeds to poke me in my ribs with his elbow. This did not dislodge me, so he opens up his Times and starts flipping the pages in front of my face. I wait. The ticket taker comes to collect the tickets and I ask her very politely “Excuse me miss, but did he pay two fares? No? I was just wondering because he seems to have this overwhelming need to sit on top of me and I thought that maybe I was taking up his space somehow.” The ticket taker just laughs and asks another rider to please put his stuff in the overhead rack and invites me to sit in _that_ seat. So I do. Meanwhile, Two-Seat Harry, having never said a word, is sitting all by his lonesome. You’d think he’d be happy, but no. His stop comes, he gets up and FARTS as he passes me. I am not shitting you, but it sure as hell smelled like he shitted himself. The whole train car starts looking around wondering where the stench is coming from. There is no bathroom in this car. People are actually looking around and asking aloud-- what is that? I feel obliged to tell them. “That guy right there just farted. No, not the one who looks homeless-- the one in the blue suit. Yeah him. Smells like he shit his pants, don’t it?” Now there are people standing around him with their shirts pulled up over their noses (I’m not kidding or exaggerating-- the stench was unbelievable). Noxious Fumes Two-Seat Harry leaves the train without ever saying one word. Nice Russian Guy who takes the same morning train as I do everyday laughs and tells me “You funny, but not too nice!” Nope, I’m just a commuter and I wanna be an jerk like the other ones is all. ---
**Author:** ![Homebrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Homebrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homebrew)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-island-railroad-is-full-of-fuckmeisters-and-i-just-wanted-to-fit-in/181615/2 "2003-06-13T16:50:41Z")
Never mess with someone who might very well be the Queen of Sheba. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-island-railroad-is-full-of-fuckmeisters-and-i-just-wanted-to-fit-in/181615/3 "2003-06-13T16:55:38Z")
I thought all the Fuckmeisters were on NJ Transit! You mean a few of them have moved Eastward? ---
**Author:** ![UrbanChic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9dc877/32.png) [@UrbanChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UrbanChic)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-island-railroad-is-full-of-fuckmeisters-and-i-just-wanted-to-fit-in/181615/4 "2003-06-13T17:02:57Z")
Man, and I thought _ **I** _ had Mass Transit woes! ---
**Author:** ![NotWithoutRage](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/22d042/32.png) [@NotWithoutRage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NotWithoutRage)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-island-railroad-is-full-of-fuckmeisters-and-i-just-wanted-to-fit-in/181615/5 "2003-06-13T17:28:50Z")
That is WONDERFUL. 🙂 I used to ride NJT, and have my fair share of horror stories. Yay for the Q train to Brooklyn ---
**Author:** ![NotWithoutRage](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/22d042/32.png) [@NotWithoutRage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NotWithoutRage)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-island-railroad-is-full-of-fuckmeisters-and-i-just-wanted-to-fit-in/181615/6 "2003-06-13T17:41:47Z")
That is WONDERFUL. 🙂 I used to ride NJT, and have my fair share of horror stories. Yay for the Q train to Brooklyn ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-island-railroad-is-full-of-fuckmeisters-and-i-just-wanted-to-fit-in/181615/7 "2003-06-13T18:08:44Z")
**BigGirl,** you should have lit a match. The other passengers would have thanked you. That and hhopefully the one leaving would have left with a \. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![SkipMagic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skipmagic/32/20706_2.png) [@SkipMagic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkipMagic)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-island-railroad-is-full-of-fuckmeisters-and-i-just-wanted-to-fit-in/181615/8 "2003-06-13T18:13:35Z")
Okay, so the next time the whole “should we have mass transit in the KC area” topic comes up again, I’m going to actively and enthusiastically push for a metro-wide “H-E-L-L NO!” And I’ll do so by showing them this thread. Because I fart. And I don’ wanna mess with da’ likes of a pissed-off **Biggirl**. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-island-railroad-is-full-of-fuckmeisters-and-i-just-wanted-to-fit-in/181615/9 "2003-06-13T18:36:01Z")
wow, you New Yorkers’ tales of subway make DC Metro look like paradise on wheels by comparison. ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-island-railroad-is-full-of-fuckmeisters-and-i-just-wanted-to-fit-in/181615/10 "2003-06-13T18:49:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Biggirl \* > \*\*. So it’s crowded and I say “Excuse me” to this man who has his briefcase on the seat next to him. He moves it and when I sit down, spreads his legs really, reeeaaalllly wide, shoves his shoulder underneath mine and proceeds to poke me in my ribs with his elbow. This did not dislodge me, so he opens up his Times and starts flipping the pages in front of my face. > \*\* His gyrations would most likely would have caused me to spill my hot coffee or my purple grape juice all over him. Accidently, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Indygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@Indygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indygrrl)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-island-railroad-is-full-of-fuckmeisters-and-i-just-wanted-to-fit-in/181615/11 "2003-06-13T18:52:22Z")
I am so glad you said that. What a perfect comment. I always think of these great comments two hours after an incident, but by then, it’s waay too late. ---
**Author:** ![Mehitabel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8797f3/32.png) [@Mehitabel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mehitabel)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-island-railroad-is-full-of-fuckmeisters-and-i-just-wanted-to-fit-in/181615/12 "2003-06-13T20:15:24Z")
Great story, but actually **Biggirl** is talking about one of our commuter rail systems, not the subway. Although the story would fit there, too, except for the fact the conductor never leaves this little booth halfway through the train and therefore the briefcase would have stayed put and had a better ride than our heroine. I had a woman wedge herself into an empty seat between me and this fat guy on the subway last week and then whine at me when I tried to turn the pages of my newspaper. I already had one shoulder against the wall and the other scrunched as far over as I could. ---
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-island-railroad-is-full-of-fuckmeisters-and-i-just-wanted-to-fit-in/181615/13 "2003-06-13T20:32:22Z")
Playing devil’s advocate for a moment … Maybe the guy knew his innards were rumbling, and figured he would have to pass gas before his exit. Maybe he was just trying to create a little space around him to minimize the number of people who were offended. Yeah, I know, it’s reaching. ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-island-railroad-is-full-of-fuckmeisters-and-i-just-wanted-to-fit-in/181615/14 "2003-06-13T20:44:20Z")
Reminds me of the dude I saw on the bus yesterday. For whatever reason, he opted to stand but felt that his _tote bag_ needed to have a seat! He wasn’t the only one standing, either. Some commuters are _weird_! At this one didn’t let go with a fart, wet or otherwise. ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-island-railroad-is-full-of-fuckmeisters-and-i-just-wanted-to-fit-in/181615/15 "2003-06-13T20:58:07Z")
Come to think of it, that dude did finally sit down next to his bag as soon one of the seats next to it opened up. I wonder what was in that bag to warrant it getting a seat before its owner did. ---
**Author:** ![KarmaComa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e36b37/32.png) [@KarmaComa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarmaComa)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-island-railroad-is-full-of-fuckmeisters-and-i-just-wanted-to-fit-in/181615/16 "2003-06-13T21:07:49Z")
Maybe a small cat? ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-island-railroad-is-full-of-fuckmeisters-and-i-just-wanted-to-fit-in/181615/17 "2003-06-13T21:38:00Z")
I was once riding one of the transit buses at Disney World that takes you back and forth from the farthest hotels to the parks. It was late, the parks had closed, and we were one of the last groups out. As we were getting closer to our destination (the last), a teeaged boy was standing in the stairwell, obviously ready to bolt as soon as the doors opened. Right about the same time, a noxious odor started seeping through the bus - _noxious_, much akin to the above. Everyone looked at my two-year-old nephew, but we checked - no diaper change needed. You could tell as it spread from the back of the bus to the front as people would react. People started getting quite vocal about it, and my brother-in-law kept saying, “It’s not mine!” People were disgusted, but also laughing, assuming it was a baby. Then it dawned on me that the teenaged boy wasn’t laughing. Poor kid must have had a colitis attack or something similar, and it wasn’t until the very end that everyone else started to realize. That poor kid was trying so hard to turn invisible, and at the same time was obviously having a serious personal emergency. I sure hope he had a change of shorts… It was actually kind of sad. On the plus side, as people realized it, no one made any comments to him - they realized he was as embarassed as a human being can get. Esprix