### Author:  [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)
#### Post date: [September 17, 2001, 11:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-losers-handbook/82131/1 "2001-09-17T11:51:12Z")
I came up with this concept way back [here](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=83095#post1534691), and **leander** ’s recent use of #3 prompted me to post this.
There are several…um…rebuttals to arguments, that when uttered, automatically cost the utterer the argument. You say one of these, you lose! It’s just that easy.
Excuse #1: _The Appeal to Invisible Authority_: “I have hundreds of e-mails that support my position! HUNDREDS! No, you _can’t_ see them. Why do you ask?”
Excuse #2: _It Was An Experiment_: “As a trained sociologist, I designed my post with proper controls and safeguards such that I could delve into the psyches of the Teeming Millions and learn of their inner turmoil.”
Excuse #3: _I Was Only Joking_: “When I said that I was _glad_ your kid had cancer and hope he dies, it was clearly meant to be funny. A joke. Get it? I guess you don’t have a sense of humor. :rolleyes:”
Excuse #4: _It’s the Mod’s Fault_ “I only said that because the Mods are _either_ facists or Nazis or Commies and were holding my grandmother hostage at gunpoint and _made_ me post it, somehow. Besides, they’re hypocrites. And **Manhattan** killed my goldfish!”
Excuse #5: _It’s Your Fault_: “You’re a asshole and somehow _made_ me post that!”
Feel free to add your own.
Fenris, who hates #1 and 3 most of all
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### Author:  [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)
#### Post date: [September 17, 2001, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-losers-handbook/82131/2 "2001-09-17T11:53:56Z")
oops! Missed one:
#6: “Get a life!”
Fenris
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### Author:  [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)
#### Post date: [September 17, 2001, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-losers-handbook/82131/3 "2001-09-17T12:06:37Z")
T|-|@t W@S @ K-r@D KeW|\_ P0sT!!!1111111
😉
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### Author:  [@tavalla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tavalla)
#### Post date: [September 17, 2001, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-losers-handbook/82131/4 "2001-09-17T13:00:54Z")
And **Elmwood** kindly donates #7 (:D): any argument posted in leet, morse, Spanish or any other foreign language will, no matter how cogent, well-reasoned or blindingly brilliant, lose you the argument. Slam dunk. No appeal (even to invisible authority).
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### Author:  [@Trion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trion)
#### Post date: [September 17, 2001, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-losers-handbook/82131/5 "2001-09-17T13:38:44Z")
I’d like to add a couple if I may:
Excuse #8: “If you don’t agree with my opinion, you are obviously too PC.” Suuuuure. Nobody here draws any conclusions based on facts. Here’s a thought. Maybe the fact that you don’t agree with us means you’re a bigoted asshole.
Excuse #9: Not so much an excuse, but I’m tired of hearing it anyway. “You are all very rude. I shall go away and pray for you.” Ya know what? DON’T pray for me. I already have people who are generally concerned with my well being praying for me. I certainly don’t need someone praying that I’ll suddenly start thinking like they do. Especially if that person is a half-wit. If you’re going to do anything for me, start THINKING.
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### Author:  [@Misery\_Loves\_Co](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misery_Loves_Co)
#### Post date: [September 17, 2001, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-losers-handbook/82131/6 "2001-09-17T13:44:47Z")
Excuse #8 _Black Pot Argument_: “Well, you’re clearly one of those \ and you’re unwilling to accept the truth so debating you is pointless…”
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### Author:  [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)
#### Post date: [September 17, 2001, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-losers-handbook/82131/7 "2001-09-17T13:47:31Z")
Excuse #10: _Difficult life events are to blame for my post, so I take no responsibility for being a dumbfuck_ “Look, maybe I shouldn’t have used such strong language. But my boss just gave me a tongue-lashing and coming on top of my aunt’s pancreatic cancer diagnosis, I couldn’t help it.”
Actually, I certainly buy the concept that life events might sap one’s ability to argue fairly. But stuff the excuses up your ass–don’t use them as a bid for sympathy. Just say “You’re right, I was wrong to say that, and I apologize. I wasn’t myself.”
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### Author:  [@Misery\_Loves\_Co](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misery_Loves_Co)
#### Post date: [September 17, 2001, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-losers-handbook/82131/8 "2001-09-17T13:48:01Z")
oops.
How strange though that both Trion an my #8 match conceptually. It must be a conspiracy! 😛
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### Author:  [@Trion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trion)
#### Post date: [September 17, 2001, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-losers-handbook/82131/9 "2001-09-17T13:58:22Z")
No conspiracy **MLC**. Just proof that we’re reading from the same handbook. 😉
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### Author:  [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)
#### Post date: [September 17, 2001, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-losers-handbook/82131/10 "2001-09-17T14:04:33Z")
#11: From [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=86964):
> [@](#):
>
> …as soon as you invoke the “it’s just a rant, and this is the pit!” argument, you automatically lose the debate. Yeah, this isn’t GD, but we do have debates here. It’s like Gaudere’s Law or something–as soon as you say “it’s just a rant,” then you have shown that you can’t back up your side of the debate.
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### Author:  [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)
#### Post date: [September 17, 2001, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-losers-handbook/82131/11 "2001-09-17T14:07:37Z")
Excuse #12 or so: But **Spoofe** said almost exactly the same thing in another thread, and then there was **Fenris** posting something kinda like this in another one… why are you all being so mean to _meeeee???_ Is it only mods and their friends who get to say things like that?
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### Author:  [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)
#### Post date: [September 17, 2001, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-losers-handbook/82131/12 "2001-09-17T14:12:28Z")
Excuse #13. \* The Secret Clique\*. “I shouldn’t be surprised that you, you, and you agree with him. You’re all part of the clique that no one admits exists.”
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### Author:  [@Legomancer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Legomancer)
#### Post date: [September 17, 2001, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-losers-handbook/82131/13 "2001-09-17T14:15:18Z")
#X+1: “Well maybe there are hundreds of statistics that prove A, but my grandmother did B, so obviously those statistics are wrong.”
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### Author:  [@Waverly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waverly)
#### Post date: [September 17, 2001, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-losers-handbook/82131/14 "2001-09-17T14:37:57Z")
##: **The Waffle** “I know I said that anyone who didn’t agree with me is gender confused communist bastard, but I only _meant_ the you should maybe, perhaps, make room for the _possibility_.” Have the courage to either admit you were wrong or stand by your asinine comments, waffles _are_ just for breakfast.
##: **Poking holes with a blunt instrument** : “Haven’t you heard about the Cottingley Fairies or Piltdown man? All science is a sham, I tell you!”
##: **Appeal to ignorance** : “You haven’t _proved_ that aliens didn’t draw the Nazca lines, so they **must** have.”
##: **The dump and dash** : The art of cutting and pasting a large (usually previously debunked) treatise without putting any thought or effort into the discussion, then sitting back smugly and asking people to see the logic of _your_ position.
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### Author:  [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)
#### Post date: [September 17, 2001, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-losers-handbook/82131/15 "2001-09-17T15:12:47Z")
#### The RUNAWAY AND LIE: “Hey, I was just joking on that ‘black people are just nasty’ thing . . . I’m actually from Nigeria and was just making sure you are nice people, that’s all.”
I believe it was our very own **smithwow** who displayed that in such a textbook way some months ago.
### The WITNESS IN A NON-GD THREAD: "It’s God’s Word . . . I’m allowed to post it wherever I want because He says so. What, are you all afraid of The Truth? No I didn’t bother to check the forum descriptions, why are you all afraid to see The Truth? You’re going to Hell.
Hey why can’t I post anymore?"
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### Author:  [@Legomancer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Legomancer)
#### Post date: [September 17, 2001, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-losers-handbook/82131/16 "2001-09-17T15:17:37Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Waverly \*
> **##: Appeal to ignorance: “You haven’t _proved_ that aliens didn’t draw the Nazca lines, so they must have.”**
Or the variation: “Since the sum total of what man knows is so small compared to the whole universe, it is unthinkable to say God doesn’t exist.”
One of the dumbest arguments against athiesm I’ve ever heard the exact same logic forces you to believe that I am an 8-inch tall purple levitating octopus, wearing a fez. How can you say with any confidence that I’m not, given how little mankind knows about the Universe?
##: “Well that source is biased, unlike the source I have.”
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### Author:  [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)
#### Post date: [September 17, 2001, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-losers-handbook/82131/17 "2001-09-17T15:24:16Z")
Or _The Appeal to Stupidity_: “You wouldn’t say this if you only understood my argument!” or “You just don’t get it!”
Fenris
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### Author:  [@Slip\_Mahoney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slip_Mahoney)
#### Post date: [September 17, 2001, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-losers-handbook/82131/18 "2001-09-17T15:32:56Z")
Rule # 42:
Excuse me. Don’t tell me what I saw. I was there. You weren’t. It was a UFO.
And who the hell are you? You just registered, asshole.
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### Author:  [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)
#### Post date: [September 17, 2001, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-losers-handbook/82131/19 "2001-09-17T15:37:25Z")
#### \The All or Nothing, All Inclusive\ “Either you support the constitution and our right to bear arms, or you don’t support the constitution and want to sap all American freedoms.”
Is case you think I made this one up, I didn’t. I got this in a mailing from the NRA.
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### Author:  [@kabbes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kabbes)
#### Post date: [September 17, 2001, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-losers-handbook/82131/20 "2001-09-17T15:41:13Z")
Isn’t that called the fallacy of the excluded middle?
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