# The "man gets woman, man loses woman, man gets woman again" romantic trope/formula **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 17, 2015, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261 "2015-05-17T20:02:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2015, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261/1 "2015-05-17T20:02:47Z")
The typical romantic movie trope/cliche is the formula of “Man gets woman, man loses woman, man gets woman again.” Without criticizing it, what is the particular appeal of this formula? Especially if the man loses the woman due to his or her own failures? I can understand the appeal if the man and woman break up with each other in the middle of the movie due to outside circumstances against their will (i.e., if they’re simply star-crossed lovers and circumstances keep them from getting together,) but otherwise, why is this formula so popular? ---
**Author:** ![chrisk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@chrisk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chrisk)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2015, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261/2 "2015-05-17T20:36:17Z")
Well, first off, it’s the most obvious (which doesn’t mean the best) romance version of the standard three-act dramatic structure, which requires that the author: [ul] [li]Establish a protagonist with a compelling goal[/li][li]Introduce obstacles and complications between the protagonist and the goal, creating conflict.[/li][li]Show the protagonist overcoming those obstacles and reaching the goal, (or failing to do so utterly, in a tragic ending.)[/li][/ul] Having the hero lose the girl at the start of act 2 because of his own failings can set up that his obstacles are parts of himself, that he’s his own worst enemy, and that he must change and become a better man to get the girl back. Of course, that’s not the only way to use this trope… 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2015, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261/3 "2015-05-17T20:39:42Z")
Start of Act 2 or end of Act 2? ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2015, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261/4 "2015-05-17T20:43:14Z")
What’s the appeal? It’s a \*\*universal \*\*human theme. EVERYONE has experienced some part of this story (with gender variations) at least once, starting in kindergarten, usually multiple times even unto the nursing home. ---
**Author:** ![Push\_You\_Down](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/push_you_down/32/9095_2.png) [@Push\_You\_Down](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Push_You_Down)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2015, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261/5 "2015-05-17T22:10:19Z")
What’s that saying? There’s two stories: boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back…or he doesn’t. ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2015, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261/6 "2015-05-17T22:16:40Z")
> [@chrisk](#): > > Well, first off, it’s the most obvious (which doesn’t mean the best) romance version of the standard three-act dramatic structure, which requires that the author: > [ul] > [li]Establish a protagonist with a compelling goal[/li][li]Introduce obstacles and complications between the protagonist and the goal, creating conflict.[/li][li]Show the protagonist overcoming those obstacles and reaching the goal, (or failing to do so utterly, in a tragic ending.)[/li][/ul] > > Having the hero lose the girl at the start of act 2 because of his own failings can set up that his obstacles are parts of himself, that he’s his own worst enemy, and that he must change and become a better man to get the girl back. Of course, that’s not the only way to use this trope… 😉 This is exactly it, although usually the big disaster is at the end of the second act, with the third act consisting of our hero’s redemption. All romantic comedies are just _Die Hard_ for girls. But if Meg Ryan’s in it I’ll watch too. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2015, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261/7 "2015-05-17T22:37:45Z")
Once I’ve broken up with a woman, I feel no desire ever to take up with her again. In that respect, I find the scenario unrealistic. Even if I were to do such a silly thing, I’ve no doubt it would be an even bigger disaster than previously. ---
**Author:** ![guizot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guizot/32/3636_2.png) [@guizot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/guizot)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2015, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261/8 "2015-05-17T22:50:08Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > Once I’ve broken up with a woman, I feel no desire ever to take up with her again. In that respect, I find the scenario unrealistic. Really? Well that’s just because when you broke up in the past, it was never because of some conniving interloper who was tricking you into breaking up; or because of some totally freak accident which caused you to have a completely false perception of her; or because you didn’t get knocked on the head and wake up not knowing who you are; or because you didn’t have to choose between her and inheriting a a billion dollars; or because – dude, what kind of humdrum life have you been living, anyway? ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2015, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261/9 "2015-05-17T22:52:17Z")
[It’s common.](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095705/quotes) > [@](#): > > Frank: It’s the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year’s Day. > > Jane: Goodyear? > > Frank: No, the worst. ---
**Author:** ![dracoi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90db22/32.png) [@dracoi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dracoi)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2015, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261/10 "2015-05-17T23:32:02Z")
Fundamentally, it’s just wish fulfillment for women. 1. It’s not her fault she broke up 2. Not only is it his fault, but he’ll realize that and change his ways. 3. She’ll be pursued, saving her the effort and risk of looking for a new partner Point 1 might be replaced by “It’s not her fault they never got together in the first place” for romantic comedies based on childhood friends who finally realize they’re in love. _When Harry Met Sally_ is such a gold standard by having both versions of #1. ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2015, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261/11 "2015-05-18T00:02:06Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > Once I’ve broken up with a woman, I feel no desire ever to take up with her again. In that respect, I find the scenario unrealistic. > > Even if I were to do such a silly thing, I’ve no doubt it would be an even bigger disaster than previously. Dude, you are missing the point. It isn’t “Guy dates a girl for a while, decides he no longer likes her and dumps her, then changes his mind when he realizes no other woman wants him, and tries to win her back” It’s "guy finds woman of his dreams and loses her through a misunderstanding/accident/natural disaster/unplanned pregnancy with a stripper before he can declare his true love, and then spends time and effort to get back to the Only Woman Who Can Truly Make Him Happy. Who may be on the verge of marrying someone else. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2015, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261/12 "2015-05-18T00:05:34Z")
I’ve always heard this cliche expressed as “boy **meets** girl, boy loses girl…” There are certainly movie romances where the couple breaks up and gets back together again, but I don’t think they’re as common as ones where one of the characters is attracted to the other fairly early on but they don’t actually get together until near the end. I’d say breaking up and getting back together is more common on TV shows, presumably because the writers have to keep coming up with storylines for year after year. ---
**Author:** ![outlierrn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/outlierrn/32/3005_2.png) [@outlierrn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/outlierrn)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2015, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261/13 "2015-05-18T06:31:00Z")
> [@chrisk](#): > > Well, first off, it’s the most obvious (which doesn’t mean the best) romance version of the standard three-act dramatic structure, which requires that the author: > [ul] > [li]Establish a protagonist with a compelling goal[/li][li]Introduce obstacles and complications between the protagonist and the goal, creating conflict.[/li][li]Show the protagonist overcoming those obstacles and reaching the goal, (or failing to do so utterly, in a tragic ending.)[/li][/ul] > > Having the hero lose the girl at the start of act 2 because of his own failings can set up that his obstacles are parts of himself, that he’s his own worst enemy, and that he must change and become a better man to get the girl back. Of course, that’s not the only way to use this trope… 😉 Well said, and note that this is not unique to romantic plots. Establish a theme, create tension and then resolution is pretty much every piece of art ever, it’s just a wardrobe change. The attraction, IMHO, is that it mimics life, it triggers the emotions associated with meaning and significance; struggling to survive, sex, fighting. ---
**Author:** ![outlierrn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/outlierrn/32/3005_2.png) [@outlierrn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/outlierrn)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2015, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261/14 "2015-05-18T06:40:57Z")
Although, personally, I’m partial to the boy meets girl under a silvery moon, which then explodes for no adequately explored reason variety, but that’s just me. They don’t call me the outlier for nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2015, 7:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261/15 "2015-05-18T07:26:04Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > Once I’ve broken up with a woman, I feel no desire ever to take up with her again. In that respect, I find the scenario unrealistic. I envy you - living your life with no mistakes and no regrets. ---
**Author:** ![marshmallow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@marshmallow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/marshmallow)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2015, 8:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261/16 "2015-05-18T08:26:46Z")
In stories the protagonist usually has some sort of flaw or issue they need to get over. Once they conquer it they’re rewarded. In this case the prize is a woman. > [@terentii](#): > > Once I’ve broken up with a woman, I feel no desire ever to take up with her again. In that respect, I find the scenario unrealistic. You’ve never seen couples who break up and get back together constantly? Seems pretty normal. > [@dracoi](#): > > Fundamentally, it’s just wish fulfillment for women. > > 1. It’s not her fault she broke up > 2. Not only is it his fault, but he’ll realize that and change his ways. > 3. She’ll be pursued, saving her the effort and risk of looking for a new partner > > Point 1 might be replaced by “It’s not her fault they never got together in the first place” for romantic comedies based on childhood friends who finally realize they’re in love. _When Harry Met Sally_ is such a gold standard by having both versions of #1. I agree, but it’s weird to me because it doesn’t give much agency to women. Hard to relate to as a guy, because guy heroes are usually active participants in their success or failure. I’ve seen lots of popular stories for women criticized because the female characters basically sit around while good things happen to them because they’re just such good people. I don’t think most women care about that criticism much, though. > [@friedo](#): > > All romantic comedies are just _Die Hard_ for girls. But if Meg Ryan’s in it I’ll watch too. Basically. Story beats don’t change much across genres. Instead of a car chase or fist fight another story will have a shouting match or someone upturning furniture or running away from home or whatever. Same point. ---
**Author:** ![EllisDee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellisdee/32/4531_2.png) [@EllisDee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EllisDee)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2015, 11:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261/17 "2015-05-18T11:00:46Z")
> [@marshmallow](#): > > Story beats don’t change much across genres. Instead of a car chase Instead of a car chase? It’s hard to find a romantic comedy that _doesn’t_ have a chase scene in Act 3. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2015, 11:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261/18 "2015-05-18T11:05:27Z")
> [@marshmallow](#): > > You’ve never seen couples who break up and get back together constantly? Seems pretty normal. We were ON A BREAK!!! ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2015, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261/19 "2015-05-18T15:56:19Z")
> [@dracoi](#): > > Fundamentally, it’s just wish fulfillment for women. > > 1. It’s not her fault she broke up > 2. Not only is it his fault, but he’ll realize that and change his ways. > 3. She’ll be pursued, saving her the effort and risk of looking for a new partner. That’s interesting. Perhaps some women prefer a flawed partner who has to fix his flaws, and does, rather than have a non-flawed partner who doesn’t need self-improvement. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2015, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261/20 "2015-05-18T16:07:23Z")
> [@marshmallow](#): > > I’ve seen lots of popular stories for women criticized because the female characters basically sit around while good things happen to them because they’re just such good people. I don’t think most women care about that criticism much, though. I don’t think most people care about most criticism of any given medium or genre. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-man-gets-woman-man-loses-woman-man-gets-woman-again-romantic-trope-formula/720261.md?page=2)