# The Masturbating Chimp **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 26, 2002, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959 "2002-06-26T01:48:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/1 "2002-06-26T01:48:04Z")
You know, one time I was at the KC Zoo, back when the ape house was not in ruins, and saw a crowd standing in front of an exhibit. I thought “hey, there must be something interesting there”, and went over to see. It was nothing but a chimp. A chimp, masturbating itself against a section of tree branch, rubbing itself into a frenzy of glee against the bark. And the crowd was gathered there, cheering it on. Exclaiming with laughter, clapping, and cheers of “Come on, get it up!”, “You can do it!”, “Shake your groove thing!\*”, and so forth. And the chimp seemed almost driven to a higher frenzy by this encouragement from the crowd, and he kept on and on, and didn’t know when to stop - in fact, what reason did he have to stop, really? He had everything he needed - food, water, a place to live, all paid for - and a crowd of slackjawed admirers laughing at him and his antics. And I watched him for all of 5 seconds, and walked away, disgusted. But even as I tried to ignore it all, the slackjawed crowd kept on cheering, and the chimp kept on masturbating. And you know, I thought to myself tonight - some people are nothing but the intellectual equivalent of masturbating chimps. They accomplish nothing real or substantial in their lives, content _only_ to benefit from the hard work of and efforts of others. They continue on and on and on in the same manner, contributing a plethora of nothing worthwhile, yet always amusing themselves greatly in the “contributing”. And living for that ever-present praise - from the crowd, somehow oddly fascinated by the Masturbating Chimp in his little cage. Thank you. I feel better now. (There is no spoon…nor is there a link.) \*[sub]It was the early 1980’s, after all…[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Fred](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/db5fbb/32.png) [@Fred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fred)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/2 "2002-06-26T01:59:21Z")
Ooooo… a metaphor. Deep. ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/3 "2002-06-26T02:02:41Z")
Oh sorry- from the thread title, I thought you had met my ex-husband. Zette ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/4 "2002-06-26T02:13:55Z")
Let me get this straight-people were cheering on a monkey, to spank his monkey? HEheheheh!!! The monkey was spanking his monkey!!! _sorry…I’ve had way too much sugar…_ ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Lao](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2bfe46/32.png) [@Dr.Lao](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Lao)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/5 "2002-06-26T02:40:27Z")
A self-abusing primate as a cultural archetype. I like it. We need more of that type of thinking around here. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/6 "2002-06-26T03:51:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Guinastasia \* > \*\*Let me get this straight-people were cheering on a monkey, to spank his monkey? > > HEheheheh!!! > > The monkey was spanking his monkey!!!\*\* Damn - I never looked at it that way. Nice one! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![neofishboy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/neofishboy/32/444_2.png) [@neofishboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neofishboy)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/7 "2002-06-26T04:21:38Z")
> [@](#): > > The monkey was spanking his monkey!!! Ah, but you see we really _do_ need to keep in mind the relative primate relationships as we move “down” the scale. As such, I believe the chimp in question would technically be described as _polishing his lemur._ Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/8 "2002-06-26T05:02:29Z")
There’s 7 replies to this thread, but the Forum View only shows 4 at this point. This thread has everything - vanishing posts, lemurs, corrupted threads, lemurs, spanking monkeys, lemurs, cultural archetypes, lemurs, metaphors, lemurs, ex-husbands, lemurs, women giddy from sugar highs, lemurs… :eek: 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Dijon\_Warlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@Dijon\_Warlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dijon_Warlock)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/9 "2002-06-26T05:11:18Z")
Are you sure it wasn’t a bush instead of a tree? That would make more sense. ---
**Author:** ![Com2Kid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4af34b/32.png) [@Com2Kid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Com2Kid)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/10 "2002-06-26T05:17:23Z")
I think the really sad thing here are all the people who had nothing better to do with their lives (or could at least find nothing better to do) then watch a jump jack off. I mean come on, that is just. . . . ick. Talk about boredom! ---
**Author:** ![neofishboy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/neofishboy/32/444_2.png) [@neofishboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neofishboy)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 6:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/11 "2002-06-26T06:15:45Z")
Just so we’re clear…this wouldn’t happen to be a thinly-veiled cautionary metaphor regarding a certain poster with a pronounced geriatric aversion? (as a loud “Well, DUH!” erupts from the group. Dammit, this is why I never raised my hand in class…) ---
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/12 "2002-06-26T06:27:43Z")
> [@](#): > > A chimp, masturbating itself against a section of tree branch, rubbing itself into a frenzy of glee against the bark. oww. Thank God for fully operative oposible thumbs. ---
**Author:** ![Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/df788c/32.png) [@Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ben)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 6:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/13 "2002-06-26T06:32:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Guinastasia \* > \*\*Let me get this straight-people were cheering on a monkey, to spank his monkey? > > HEheheheh!!! > > The monkey was spanking his monkey!!! > > _sorry…I’ve had way too much sugar…_ \*\* [crazy uncle] Let’s see M.C. Escher draw that! HAR! [/crazy uncle] -Ben ---
**Author:** ![heresiarch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/278dde/32.png) [@heresiarch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heresiarch)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/14 "2002-06-26T07:28:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by neofishboy \* > \*\* Ah, but you see we really _do_ need to keep in mind the relative primate relationships as we move “down” the scale. > > As such, I believe the chimp in question would technically be described as _polishing his lemur._ \*\* 😃 So, I guess that at this moment, a crowd of hydras are gathered around a paramecium, cheering it on as it _strokes its staphylococcus_. Hmm… I trying to remember the last time I cleaned out my water bottle. ---
**Author:** ![Wikkit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c0e974/32.png) [@Wikkit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wikkit)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 8:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/15 "2002-06-26T08:07:45Z")
The chimps at the K.C. zoo seem to be trying to get on Jerry Springer. I was there earlier this year, and they spent most of their time picking their butts and eating their poop. I hope that’s the first and last time any creature causually amples up to me with one of it’s turds sticking out of it’s mouth. I didn’t hang around them much. The other primates were [more photogenic](http://www.wikkit.com/Kczoo5.jpg). Oh, and good metaphor, yada yada, etc. ---
**Author:** ![Wikkit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c0e974/32.png) [@Wikkit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wikkit)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 8:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/16 "2002-06-26T08:09:21Z")
Writing 100 times on the chalkboard: The monkey ambled up to me with it’s ample poo. The monkey ambled up to me with it’s ample poo. … ---
**Author:** ![Wikkit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c0e974/32.png) [@Wikkit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wikkit)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 8:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/17 "2002-06-26T08:18:46Z")
Ha! I even used the wrong it’s. That’s what I get for posting a correction post when it wasn’t necessary. I’m a fucking moron, goodnight. Here’s some more K.C. Zoo picture for putting up with me: [a cat tired of the whole zoo experience](http://www.wikkit.com/Kczoo2.jpg) [a red panda just plain tired](http://www.wikkit.com/Kczoo6.jpg) [a kitty about to jump on his poor mother for the umpteenth time, in hope of getting sent to his room.](http://www.wikkit.com/Kczoo9.jpg) [the masturbat’n, butt pick’n monkeys in quest’n, with the young’n climb’n a tree. 'n](http://www.wikkit.com/Kczoo8.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Mentalist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/59ef9b/32.png) [@Mentalist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mentalist)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 11:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/18 "2002-06-26T11:01:43Z")
It’s the tree/s I feel sorry for. It’s bad enough having dogs piss against them, without primates using them for this sort of thing. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 11:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/19 "2002-06-26T11:41:00Z")
> [@](#): > > The Masturbating Chimp Not so much a band name as the name of an English pub you wouldn’t want to visit. ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2002, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/20 "2002-06-26T12:43:35Z")
You know, if the monkey was spanking his monkey, I think we need to look at the larger issue: corporal punishment in the home. I think that this is an outstanding example of the way in which behavior in our primate ancestors has contributed to our current cult of violence and…OW! Stop it! What? You said he was spanking the monkey! Spanking that poor, defenseless… Quit poking me! Damn! What? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959.md?page=2)