# The Masturbating Chimp **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 26, 2002, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959 "2002-06-26T01:48:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Wikkit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c0e974/32.png) [@Wikkit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wikkit)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2002, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/41 "2002-06-27T06:03:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Anthracite \* > \*\*Hey - cool pics! I love the first one especially - that’s a really great shot of the …clouded leopard? > > [sub]Which if it is, I think it might be the one that passed away just the other day… ☹ [/sub] \*\* That sucks. Weren’t there two of them? He must have been even more tired of the zoo experience than I thought. I felt sorry for those [cats](http://www.wikkit.com/Kczoo3.jpg) on that side of the zoo. The lions in Africa and the [kangaroos](http://www.wikkit.com/Kczoo4.jpg) and the [elephants](http://www.wikkit.com/Kczoo7.jpg) all had a good amount of land to move around on, but the smaller cats were stuck in cages where there was no chance of ever being able to run. I’d think that if housecats need FRAP, big cats would too. Here’s the first shot I took that day: [a bird](http://www.wikkit.com/Kczoo1.jpg). ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2002, 11:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/42 "2002-06-27T11:22:28Z")
Ooo, kookaburra! ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2002, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/43 "2002-06-27T11:44:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Wikkit \* > **I felt sorry for those [cats](http://www.wikkit.com/Kczoo3.jpg) on that side of the zoo. The lions in Africa and the [kangaroos](http://www.wikkit.com/Kczoo4.jpg) and the [elephants](http://www.wikkit.com/Kczoo7.jpg) all had a good amount of land to move around on, but the smaller cats were stuck in cages where there was no chance of ever being able to run. I’d think that if housecats need FRAP, big cats would too.** Yes, I know. Those poor cats in the “great cat walk”, as they call it, have no space at all to run around in, and they just look terribly sad and unhappy. The leopards near the Africa exhibit have that wonderful wooded enclosure where they can walk over you in the trees, and the cheetahs and lions have so much space that you often can never see them… I wish that I was rich, so I could build a better cat enclosure. ---
**Author:** ![ageless6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9de053/32.png) [@ageless6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ageless6)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2002, 11:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/44 "2002-06-27T11:49:04Z")
Anthracite: Forget them,look over here! HOO,HOO,HOO,EEE,EEE,EEE… Cheer me on,I can’t be expected to get through this without public adulation. Whazzat? You’re what? Well dog my cats! ---
**Author:** ![MarkF](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8797f3/32.png) [@MarkF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MarkF)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2002, 11:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/45 "2002-06-27T11:51:14Z")
Really, you can debate whether the watching crowd were parasites or if they are just part of a huge human experiment but it just sounds like simianticks to me… …I’ll get me coat… ---
**Author:** ![dantheman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dantheman/32/9421_2.png) [@dantheman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dantheman)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2002, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/46 "2002-06-27T12:59:09Z")
I thought this thread title was “The Masturbating Champ”… \ ---
**Author:** ![sugaree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@sugaree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugaree)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2002, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/47 "2002-06-27T13:17:35Z")
Hey I watched a squirrel blow himself in NYC’s Central Park! Flexible litttle bugger. If there are people who are the intellectual and cultural equivelent of masturbating chimps, there has got to be the intellectual and cultural equivelent of self-fellating squirrels. ---
**Author:** ![CRorex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CRorex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CRorex)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2002, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/48 "2002-06-27T15:01:08Z")
Ok monkey story. So my close friend and former roommate was at the Zoo. At the primate exhibit, you know looking at the small cute monkeys. There was this one monkey, for simplicities sake, let us call him Monkey A. Monkey A was sitting halfway up the tree looking at the people. Monkey A was doing what monkeys do best, masturbating like a mad mad monkey. Now I should spend a moment to describe the cage. It had on the inside bars, but on the outside it had plexiglass. A very valuable safety feature. Now below monkey A was a branch, which is common in trees. But this branch extended to the glass/bars. Now Monkey A achieved … ehh let us just say Monkey A’s mission was a complete success. A FORCEFULL and HIGHLY VOLUMETERIC success. Thankfully there was glass. Unfortunatly, fluids traveling at high speeds in large volumes splatter and spray everywhere when they strike walls or glass. And also unfortunatly, monkey B was sitting on the lower branch right next to the glass… and right next to … ehh the ‘target site’. So physics kick in. Monkey B, while he may be good close friends with Monkey A, realizes there are certain limits to friendships. Mainly these limits include, GETTING SPRAYED WITH YOUR FRIENDS HOT STEAMING SLUG O’ LOVE SNOT IN THE FACE. As such, Monkey B became a mad mad monkey. And ran up the tree, possibly to complain about Monkey A’s actions to Monkey C. Now Monkey C was on the branch above Monkey A, and paying no attention to this whole incident. He especially wasn’t looking at Monkey B rushing twoard him. Which means Monkey B running into him was kind of a shock and he lost his grip. And fell. On Monkey A Knocking Monkey A out of the tree. And then landed on Monkey A. I suppose there could be a moral in this story. Don’t masturbate facing glass and have a terrific, forcefull orgasm near your friend’s face, thereby accidently spraying him. Unless you want to be hit on the head with a monkey. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2002, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/49 "2002-06-27T15:17:37Z")
CRorex, that sounded like a particularly complex algebra “story problem.” ---
**Author:** ![JonScribe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/3be4f8/32.png) [@JonScribe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JonScribe)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2002, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/50 "2002-06-28T07:10:51Z")
I prefer to see myself as the gorilla who, annoyed by the people who insisted on watching his private life, took great handfuls of his own feces and spread them very evenly across the enclosure’s glass, affording him a little privacy. (I would rather masturbate in private.) ---
**Author:** ![Mac\_Guffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2bfe46/32.png) [@Mac\_Guffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mac_Guffin)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2002, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/51 "2002-06-28T18:36:14Z")
Well it looks like the chimp, (chump) in question finally masturbated himself right outta the SDMB. Good riddence. ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2002, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/52 "2002-06-28T22:26:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by particlewill \* > \*\*Well it looks like the chimp, (chump) in question finally masturbated himself right outta the SDMB. Good riddence. \*\* Perhaps _your_ chimp did. This thread was actually not about **Uekte** , whose posts I only saw in one thread. Besides, if it was, he’d threaten violence against me. And on that note - I sure hope that the SDMB has contacted his ISP and subsequently the police in his city… ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2002, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/53 "2002-06-28T22:49:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JonScribe \* > \*\*(I would rather masturbate in private.) \*\* Humorously enough, I would rather you masturbated in private, as well. ---
**Author:** ![WSLer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a6a055/32.png) [@WSLer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WSLer)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2002, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/54 "2002-06-29T02:10:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Anthracite \* > \*\*And you know, I thought to myself tonight - some people are nothing but the intellectual equivalent of masturbating chimps. They accomplish nothing real or substantial in their lives, content _only_ to benefit from the hard work of and efforts of others. They continue on and on and on in the same manner, contributing a plethora of nothing worthwhile, yet always amusing themselves greatly in the “contributing”. I would say that 99.9999999% of people don’t accomplish anything real or substantial in their lives. I don’t mena that in a bad way, it’s just that if you think about the number of people that have been born and have died and how few have actually been remembered down through the ages it’s pretty clear to me that the vast, VAST majority of humans are simply wasting precious oxygen. But I’m cool with that.🆒 ---
**Author:** ![ethicsrcritical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e9a140/32.png) [@ethicsrcritical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ethicsrcritical)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2002, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/55 "2002-06-29T02:17:50Z")
Why do all of the fathers of daughters ‘hate’ that their daughters “Fall in love with…” men ??? ---
**Author:** ![Mac\_Guffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2bfe46/32.png) [@Mac\_Guffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mac_Guffin)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2002, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/56 "2002-06-29T06:20:16Z")
Sorry **Anth**. For some reason I thought it was. It seemed so apropriate… Perhaps I should have said, “One more chimp”. ---
**Author:** ![Damhna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@Damhna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Damhna)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2002, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/57 "2002-06-29T18:10:17Z")
But what about a non metaphorical Mastubating Orang- Utan ? [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=96326&highlight=orangutan](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=96326&highlight=orangutan) Scroll down to the second Damhna post while I figure out how to link directly to posts and not threads if you will. I know this doesnt contibute much but I NEEED people to know that story. ---
**Author:** ![lilelly28](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ba9def/32.png) [@lilelly28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lilelly28)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2002, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/58 "2002-06-30T02:28:46Z")
> [@](#): > > And you know, I thought to myself tonight - some people are nothing but the intellectual equivalent of masturbating chimps. They accomplish nothing real or substantial in their lives, content only to benefit from the hard work of and efforts of others. They continue on and on and on in the same manner, contributing a plethora of nothing worthwhile, yet always amusing themselves greatly in the “contributing”. Sounds like 99.9% of the human race. Conversely, I’d prefer to be in that 99.9%. Ignorance is bliss. ---
**Author:** ![lilelly28](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ba9def/32.png) [@lilelly28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lilelly28)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2002, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/59 "2002-06-30T02:32:19Z")
> [@](#): > > And you know, I thought to myself tonight - some people are nothing but the intellectual equivalent of masturbating chimps. They accomplish nothing real or substantial in their lives, content only to benefit from the hard work of and efforts of others. They continue on and on and on in the same manner, contributing a plethora of nothing worthwhile, yet always amusing themselves greatly in the “contributing”. Sounds like 99.9% of the human race. Conversely, I’d prefer to be in that 99.9%. Ignorance is bliss. _sigh_ ---
**Author:** ![lilelly28](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ba9def/32.png) [@lilelly28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lilelly28)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2002, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959/60 "2002-06-30T02:39:14Z")
Double posting is bliss too. 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-masturbating-chimp/115959.md?page=2)