The Minirants Thread Rides Again!

The BBQ Pit
181

Dear Verizon (YOU COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS),

The proper response when phone and internet service goes down is not tell me to wait a week and then tell me to sit at home from 8 in the morning until 8 at night while you get around to fixing things next by Monday.

The proper response is to send someone to my house to apologize, fix the problem in twenty minutes and then offer to clean my house and do my laundry for a month.

The proper response is certainly not to whine that I am not being polite while I use my newly purchased cell phone to explain why I am upset that we have neither phone nor internet service. It certainly isn’t to tell me you will graciously actually NOT bill me for service on the days when you aren’t providing me any.

I swear to god I’ve had at least five phone companies in my life. Not a single one of them ever let me go without phone service for more than a few hours. Even Ma Bell was not this difficult, unreliable or unpleasant. The electric company doesn’t do this either even though they, unlike you guys, have an actual monopoly.

I have Comcast for internet and I’m keeping it. As soon as I get my phone hooked back up I will use it to call your competitors and get phone service from them. I’ve heard three commercials in the last hour for your products. How about spending less money on advertising products that don’t exist . . . and more on actual customer service?

Go to hell, you lousy scum!

182

Consider Vonage or the like. If you think Comcast is reliable, have it do your phone work for you.

183

OK, first;
LISTEN THE FUCK UP, MTV. You can’t wring your hands and moan and complain about the state of the environment AND show “MY SUPER SWEET 16” where spoiled little shitbags complain about getting the wrong color Ferrari at their birthday party, attended by hundreds of people, which impacted the environment in ways untold. You’re sending the wrong message, either shut up about one, the other or both. While we’re on the subject, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, someone, find me a way to spend 10 minutes alone with each of these whiny little motherfuckers. Then give me five minutes with their parents. We’ll redefine the meaning of ‘a swift kick in the ass’ together. Christ that pisses me off.

Second;

VH1 (the MTV guy can read this too, since they’re the same now, yay Viacom! :rolleyes: ) Look, your show in the morning is called video Jump Start. People all over this country are starting their day, they need motivation, they need music that has a little hustle, a nice beat, something with a little swing in it. I swear to you, in the name of everything holy, I will rip the screen from the little pole in front of the treadmill at my gym, fly to your studio, and stuff the entire thing, pole and all, right up your ASS, if I have to brave that fucking ‘FALLING SLOWLY’ song by that morose but otherwise lovely Swedish couple again. GodDAMN that song is misery in the morning!!!1! I’m sure it’s an award winning song, but for the love of Isis, put the tape/file/whatever in the afternoon or evening rotation please? It makes me fall slowly asleep. Oy.

Back to MTV for a second; PLAY FUCKING VIDEOS, YOU ASSHOLES! YOU’RE MUSIC TELEVISION, not ‘OMG TEH HILLZ’ television, or ‘Tila Tequila wants to lick some fresh twat’ Television. Play music, and not on MTV’s 2 through 15, the regular one will do. You can take ‘Sucker Free on MTV’ and put THAT on MTV 46, Blah, Blah, Blah DJ Siphon Gas, shut up and play music.

Don’t you forget, I AM the MTV generation, we brought you into this world, and we can take you out.

184

It just seems like it, especially on Casual Fridays. :dubious:

185

I have the same problem. It’s an anxiety behavior in me. I prolly need to take a xanax…

186

Fuck you, TruGreen Chemlawn, I did not agree to more treatments on my lawn. I don’t appreciate you sending your guy out today for my “first treatment” of the spring. I agreed to six treatments LAST summer (which I already had!), nothing was agreed to this year. And how dare your guy get an attitude with me on MY OWN FUCKING PORCH??? If I say no thank you, I don’t want it, then say ok and leave. Don’t stand there and argue with me about it.

I was actually considering the service for this year, but now there’s no fucking way.

187

Dear Salesguy

DIE! DIE IN A FIRE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! STOP FUCKING SINGING! YOU FUCKING MORON DON’T FUCKING ASK ME TO DO SOMETHING YOU TOLD ME NOT TO DO CUZ I WON’T FUCKING DO IT! FUCK YOU DIE!

… I’m having a bad day.

188

Yo, MIL, I like you, I really do, but you’ve really gotta stop comparing your son to your future son-in-law. It’s not fair, especially to a guy who’s already torn up about not being able to help you as much as he would like. It’s especially not fair to say that Mike has been more of a son to you. Take a good look–one of these men lives with you, the other lives two hours away. Of COURSE one is going to be available to help you out more!

And that all goes double for the weekend you were moving. It’s not our fault the truck broke down that weekend. It’s not our fault that the brakes were about to go and our checking account was tapped out (alright, so that last one is our fault, but we’d just come back from Vegas). We couldn’t afford either the expense or inconvenience of having our only vehicle be out-of-commission, especially two hours from home, which would almost certainly have happened had we gone down. I know this last year has been very hard for you, but for fuck’s sake your son has to look after himself first if he’s going to be able to do anything for you! Shit happens, and sometimes it happens at the worst possible time. Take a deep breath and get on with things.

189

Dear Husband:

Why do you leave the bar of soap all covered in lather? Do you not realize that I have to rinse it off before I use it because I can only imagine your stinky ball juice in that froth? Please rinse the bar of soap off after washing your whatever.

Love Ghanima

190

Dear car wash attendant, when driving my car from the wash to the finishing area, could you just once in a while, please, move my car to the regular finishing area where I can sit in a comfy chair shaded by an awning until you’re done? Why must you always move my car to the overflow area where there is no waiting area and no seats?

I don’t get it…it’s got the odd ding or two but it’s not a beater.

191

Ghanima: Liquid soap and jellyfish.

192

Fuck you, shingles. It’s been two weeks and a few days since my diagnosis and the pain, burning, sensitivity and twitching has been constant and hasn’t abated at all – just shifted.

On top of that, since I couldn’t put my glasses on properly because it’s too painful for my right ear to handle them, they fell off and the frame and lens cracked. How the fuck did you know I’d be getting $600 from the IRS in a few weeks and that, although I’d decided I wouldn’t be stimulating the economy, that amount will be almost the exact cost of an eye exam and new glasses?

Lastly, I’m going to have to be a guy wearing a tube top to work on Monday because by then the skin in my upper chest area won’t be able to bear even the lightest weight fabric.

Of, did I say fuck you?

193

You know, I get that part of the social contract is that living around other people means they’re sometimes going to make noises and do things that annoy you.

I also get that Saturday afternoon/evening is not an unreasonable time for people to be having a good time, getting a party started, having some music and stuff.

That’s fine.

What’s not fine is being able to hear the bassline from a neighbour’s music, from their house that’s halfway down the other end of the street, when we’ve got all doors, windows and curtains closed and even if the TV is on.

Seriously. It’s not like we’re in an apartment building and our upstairs neighbour is being a bit noisy. This is someone halfway down the street, whose house isn’t even sharing a common wall with ours. I’ve done my own tests. Music that is getting to the point of being uncomfortably loud in our loungeroom is just hearable on our front porch, and barely noticeable from our front lawn. For us to be able to hear their music this loudly from inside our closed house, they would have to be playing the music at ear-bleeding levels.

TURN IT THE FUCK DOWN.

194

My old uni had that as well. Mind you, it didn’t stop the stealing totally. It was one room, three floors up. Books could be checked out for a maximum of two hours, and you were charged by the minute if they were late.

So people threw the books out the window.

195

I now pronounce the Law of Magazines applicable to doctors’ waiting rooms: If the doctor is habitually punctual and you are called in at the correct time, the selection of magazines will be wide-ranging, current, and engrossing. ON the other hand if the doctor habitually runs late and you spend a lot of time waiting, the magazines will usually suck.

196

Or worse–leaving pubes on the soap. UCK!

197

Dear Comtrex,

For the past, oh, 10 years, you have been the only cold medicine that has helped me at all. Tylenol PM, Nyquil, and all the rest, they just can’t compare to the wonderful whoopass that you rain down upon my sicky germs. For that, I thank you profusely. Hallelujah, amen.

Oh, wait, what? A RANT? Here ya go…

Fuck the donkey balls outta you, Comtrex, for making me feel like I just ingested half the world’s supply of acid!! Sure, a buzz is all well and good. But when I’m moaning on the floor sick, and the congestion in my head and chest keeps leaking out onto the front of me, that’s not really the best time to get good-n-fucked-up, now, is it? Sure, right. Take two and stay in bed until it wears off. Yeah, my ass! Do you KNOW what kids are capable of? Jus five minutes ago, while I was sneezing my brains (and some other stuff) out, my darling little Bubster was grinning his cute little Bubster grin and trying to facepaint my fucking comics!!! Does that sound like it’s helping me get better faster? No, I didn’t think so. Fat lot of good your brand of “helpful” does me if I can’t even take the shit. Wankers.

198

WHY is it that, every time I plan some vacation days to myself or take time off to recuperate from something (e.g., last November when I had my appendix out), something happens with my kids or daycare that forces me to give up that precious alone time and cover for an absent childcare provider or stay home with a sick kid. In this case, I had vacation days planned and am recovering from the most traumatic dental surgery that I’ve ever had, but because my daycare provider had a death in the family (and, yes, I do feel badly about that, but this is minirants, not minisympathy and caring), and now we’re scrambling to cover daycare for the next 13 days.

This just sucks. I *never *get to take vacation days. I just flat-out never get time to myself, or time to take care of myself, and it looks like I’m not going to get it now.

When I do get to take more vacation later this summer, I’ll have to spend it on the motherfucking Cape, which I do not enjoy at all. Look for the rant then. It’ll be here, most likely.

199

Attention Idiot Driver at the Four-way Stop:

If you are planning to let me go through the intersection first, keep your foot on the brakes, do not start rolling into the intersection, and (optional but nice) wave me through the intersection.

If you are not planning to let me go first, remove foot from brakes, start rolling into the intersection, and do not wave me through.

It is really aggravating to take my foot of the brakes and start rolling into the intersection and notice that you are also entering the intersection, so I put my brakes back on and you wave me through. Stop it at once! Either wave me through or don’t but stop it with the mixed messages.

200

Man, I hate my new printer. And I regret that I bought this one (HP LaserJet P1505n).

When it runs out of paper - be it letterhead or envelopes - from the manual feed tray, it just starts pulling paper from the regular feed tray. There’s no way to change this.

The manual feed tray, btw, holds ONE fucking envelope and maybe four sheets of paper.

If you set it to use the manual feed, even if there’s paper in the tray, it makes you push a button to get it to print. Plus a dialog box shows up on my computer. Look, simply NOT printing if there’s no paper in the manual feed tray is sufficient, 'kay??

It takes about 20 seconds between each envelope. When I had to send out about 30 letters I wanted to kill myself. Had to sit there… and load… each… envelope… one… by… one…

It’s really fucking loud. Between pages it clicks something back into place so hard that shock waves reverberate through my desk.

The tray thingie that you have to put over the regular paper to use the manual feed tray is flimsy and comes undone all the time.

Worst of all, I did this to myself. I should have just bit the bullet and told my boss that $300 is apparently NOT enough for a quality work printer and in order to not have a cheap piece of crap you have to spend a couple of hundred bucks more. But I’m too expense-conscious to go back in his office and ask for an OUTRAGEOUS sum for a goddamn printer. So I put up with it. And every day, several times a day, I am reminded how much I hate the goddamn thing. And how much of a fool I was.