# The most awkward Jesus painting is ... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 23, 2013, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040 "2013-10-23T16:58:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Skara\_Brae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Skara\_Brae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skara_Brae)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040/21 "2013-10-23T23:00:55Z")
> [@Battle\_Pope](#): > > How about [Golf Jesus!](http://www.catholicsupply.com/christmas/golf.html) (scroll about 1/2 way down the page - you’ll know it when you see it.) It’s a best seller! “As seen on the Conan O’Brien Show” I’m sure that was a ringing endorsement… ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040/22 "2013-10-23T23:03:39Z")
[Junkie Jesus](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lg1uw3wGQo1qahirbo1_400.jpg#junkie%20jesus) Methadone for Methodists. ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040/23 "2013-10-23T23:06:54Z")
My mom’s ortho surgeon has this one hanging in his front office: [![](https://lindquistfamily.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/jesus_surgeon5b25d.jpg) ](https://lindquistfamily.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/jesus_surgeon5b25d.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Battle\_Pope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4bbf92/32.png) [@Battle\_Pope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Battle_Pope)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040/24 "2013-10-23T23:12:40Z")
> [@Skara\_Brae](#): > > It’s a best seller! “As seen on the Conan O’Brien Show” I’m sure that was a ringing endorsement… A friend of mine who lived in the US for three years bought one as he felt it perfectly summed up his experience with American-style religion - tacky, slightly disturbing (and made in China). 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Manduck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manduck/32/256_2.png) [@Manduck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Manduck)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040/25 "2013-10-23T23:21:58Z")
> [@Smapti](#): > > The fact that the tiger is strategically posed to cover Adam’s manhood is the best part. My favorite part is that Jesus is standing in a waist-deep hole for some reason. ---
**Author:** ![Battle\_Pope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4bbf92/32.png) [@Battle\_Pope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Battle_Pope)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040/26 "2013-10-23T23:33:16Z")
> [@Manduck](#): > > My favorite part is that Jesus is standing in a waist-deep hole for some reason. As it appears he’s just proposed a three-way it’s probably to hide his boner. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040/27 "2013-10-23T23:34:09Z")
For self-righteous obnoxiousness there’s [“One Nation Under God”](http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o161/idyllicmollusk/Onenation-1.png), portraying Jesus as America’s patron, personally delivering the Constitution. I’ve always preferred the parody _One Nation Under Cthulhu_ (link spoilered under the two-click rule due to some gruesome imagery): [Here!](http://i166.photobucket.com/albums/u103/wmdkitty/One_Nation_Under_Cthulhu.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040/28 "2013-10-23T23:45:49Z")
> [@carnut](#): > > Love that everyone except Jesus follows modern grooming, and, for most of them, dressing practices. > > In Garden of Eden Jesus, Jesus appears to be sporting a mullet too… Hell, yeah… business up front, party in the rear. What do you think all that wine was for? ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040/29 "2013-10-23T23:52:27Z")
I like the [first one](http://theamericanjesus.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Screen-Shot-2013-10-16-at-10.07.31-AM.png). “This is Jesus Christ. He’s our VP of East Coast Marketing.” ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040/30 "2013-10-24T00:29:24Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > I like the [first one](http://theamericanjesus.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Screen-Shot-2013-10-16-at-10.07.31-AM.png). > > “This is Jesus Christ. He’s our VP of East Coast Marketing.” “He’s worked miracles with sales!” ---
**Author:** ![Esox\_Lucius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/848f3c/32.png) [@Esox\_Lucius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esox_Lucius)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040/31 "2013-10-24T00:40:18Z")
Leave us not forget [Creationist Jesus](http://www.dailydawdle.com/2011/10/10-epic-portraits-of-jesus-and.html). ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040/32 "2013-10-24T00:45:22Z")
Heh, some of the comments below the article are pretty funny. > [@](#): > > BAHAHAHAHA!!! In the last painting, it looks like Jesus is saying “Adam, I’m deeply disappointed in you. God created Eve to be your companion, and here you are – cozying up with a member of the cat family.This is shameful behavior.” And Eve is all like “That’s IT, Adam. We’re THROUGH.” > [@](#): > > Business Jesus is a scene of a white guy who really wants to get this deal done, but doesn’t want to shake the non-white guy’s hand, so the non-white guy is all “How about my friend Jesus? He’s white, will you shake his hand?” And the white guy is like “Of course! Done deal!” > [@](#): > > Jesus in the Garden. Is that supposed to be a threesome? Or a foursome with the tiger? I think the giraffe just wants to watch. > [@](#): > > Where are Adam’s nipples??? > > More to the point, where are Eve’s? > > Eve’s are hidden by that fern. Intelligent Design Adam doesn’t need nipples, only Godless Evoliution Adam has them. > [@](#): > > I love the one where the teacher is instructing her elementary students in the rudiments of Evolutionary theory, & Jesus sits enjoying the lesson immensely. Go, Darwinian Jesus!! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Rhythmdvl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85f322/32.png) [@Rhythmdvl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhythmdvl)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040/33 "2013-10-24T01:58:36Z")
What’s the name of the meme for those Jesus picture-captions? If I could remember anything I’d link, but they’re many of the above pictures (especially the one with the surgeon and the like) saying things like “No, Jesus, you can’t poke your finger in there” or something actually funny. Anyone? ETA: kind of like [Coffee with Jesus](http://reddit.com/r/coffeewithjesus), but single-panel. Ah, found it: [Jesus is a Jerk](http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/jesus-is-a-jerk) ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040/34 "2013-10-24T02:55:20Z")
> [@Rhythmdvl](#): > > What’s the name of the meme for those Jesus picture-captions? If I could remember anything I’d link, but they’re many of the above pictures (especially the one with the surgeon and the like) saying things like “No, Jesus, you can’t poke your finger in there” or something actually funny. I always thought [this](http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/did-i-fucking-stutter.jpg) was fairly funny, as well as pointed commentary. ---
**Author:** ![Accidental\_Martyr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ce7236/32.png) [@Accidental\_Martyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Accidental_Martyr)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040/35 "2013-10-24T03:47:28Z")
> [@bup](#): > > Where’d Adam and Eve get their hair done? Maybe that’s what Jesus is talking to them about. Our Heavenly MasterCuts. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040/36 "2013-10-24T06:06:54Z")
In the one in the hospital room and the baby, its Receding Hairline Jesus. Or would Ever-growing Forehead Jesus be better? ---
**Author:** ![Harvey\_The\_Heavy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Harvey\_The\_Heavy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harvey_The_Heavy)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040/37 "2013-10-24T12:04:27Z")
Big fan of the genre here. Some more of the classics… [Over The Top Jesus](http://fantasy-backgrounds-wallpapers.com/wp-content/uploads/fantasy-art-good-versus-evil-jesus-and-devil.jpg) [Jumpin’ Jesus](http://thomas2026.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/017.jpg?w=600) [Jesus 'n Gentle Ben](http://michael-hidalgo.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Jesus-Bear.png) [Pair of Kings](http://reproductionfails.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/jesus-elvis-velvet-painting-sm-frame.jpg) [Touchdown Jesus](http://www.cutthereligiouscheese.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/cheesy_jesus_football.jpg) [Club Med Jesus](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oKxJqov8Xtc/TrG2WNg7BeI/AAAAAAAAE88/NRyjeWkAZMw/s1600/Pool+of+Bethesda.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Tante\_Dillie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Tante\_Dillie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tante_Dillie)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040/38 "2013-10-24T15:55:50Z")
The first one, Business Jesus, reminds me of this: “_The Man Nobody Knows_ (1925) is the second book by the American author and advertising executive Bruce Fairchild Barton. In it, Barton presents Jesus as “[t]he Founder of Modern Business,” in an effort to make the Christian story accessible to businessmen of the time.” Quote taken from [The Man Nobody Knows - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Man_Nobody_Knows) ---
**Author:** ![Minnie\_Luna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Minnie\_Luna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Minnie_Luna)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040/39 "2013-10-24T15:56:56Z")
Jesus looks like my cousin Andrew did in the 80’s. ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2013, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040/40 "2013-10-24T17:22:55Z")
> [@Fear\_Itself](#): > > There’s always [Second Amendment Jesus.](http://badattitudes.com/MT/jesus-gun.jpg) He’s done dying for your sins. Now it’s your turn. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-awkward-jesus-painting-is/672040.md?page=3)