# The Most Efficient Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [September 26, 2011, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-efficient-fifty-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597700 "2011-09-26T21:23:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Ashley\_Pomeroy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c68b51/32.png) [@Ashley\_Pomeroy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ashley_Pomeroy)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2011, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-efficient-fifty-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597700/1 "2011-09-26T21:23:02Z")
For a while back then I got to pondering Paul Simon’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”. He wasn’t hugely popular in the UK during the mid-70s, and so I only heard the song a few months ago, and immediately I wondered why etc only five ways etc one of which isn’t much of a way etc. Linear drumming. The moustache, the hat; no. At which point I discovered that my insights were not new. Indeed there was a thread back in 2008 on this very board on a similar topic: > **[find 50 ways to leave your lover.](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=481147)** > > Paul Simon said there were 50 ways to leave your lover, but only listed 5 of them. some people have complained about that. The five given are: You just slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. You don’t need to be coy, Roy, Just get... However I decided to take a different tack. I wanted to apply scientific methods of industrial time-and-motion management to the problem of devising ways to leave your lover, and so I decided to create the fifty most efficient ways to express this concept with the English language. My constraints were (a) the names should be real names, male names, not restricted to Anglo-Saxon names but there should be at least a few real people on the internet with that name (b) the methods should rhyme, and fit the metre of the song - loosely, but enough so that you could imagine Paul Simon singing them (with perhaps “just” and “gonna” as verbal punctuation) and (c) not to copy Paul Simon’s original list, for his is the house of pain. I’ve put the methodology here: > **[The Most Efficient Fifty Ways to Leave your Lover](http://women-and-dreams.blogspot.com/2011/09/most-efficient-fifty-ways-to-leave-your.html)** > > It has a wide brief. Which is ironic given the author's waist measurements! Which are wide. The most efficient way that I could think of was: Go, Jo There aren’t any one-letter English words that mean the same as “go”, and as a consequence of this - if you imagine that the formulation is like a hamburger - I can’t shave letters from the lower portion of the bun. And there aren’t any one-letter first names that rhyme with “go”, so the bun remains intact. In theory I could have used “O” but that’s not a name. Too much of a deviation from the concept. Might as well accept “I, I”, and have done with it. No. Resist. My goal is to impose order on the chaos. The cake shall not be left out in the rain. The rest of the list proceeds like this: Fly, Eli Blow, Moe Dash, Ash Deny, Kai Ebb, Webb Fade, Ade Cut, Mutt Run, Alun Adieu, Boo Bolt, Walt Buzz, Buzz Dust, Just Hike, Mike Quit, Brit Scram, Sam Skim, Akim Skip, Chip Split, Kit Cease, Rhys Chill, Phil Depart, Art Shirk, Dirk Shoot, Knut Unass, Cass\* Whizz, Aziz Break, Blake Desert, Bert Drive, Clive Flee, Leslie Go 'way, Jay Jet, Ornette Leave, Steve Move on, Ron Recede, Said Rotate, Nate Secede, Bede Swerve, Merv Unload, Joad Forsake, Jake Retreat, Pete Conclude, Jude Creep, Pradeep Retire, Squire Unhitch, Mitch Vamoose, Moose Withdraw, Thor Detour, Seymour Disappear, Amir Melt, Roosevelt It took fourteen hours; I fainted three times. But it is done. All for one and all for love. - Oh, come on, have you never seen _Hamburger Hill_? Did you not fight in the Vietnam War? Away with you. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_A.Robrin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sam_a.robrin/32/14497_2.png) [@Sam\_A.Robrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_A.Robrin)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2011, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-efficient-fifty-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597700/2 "2011-09-27T05:50:50Z")
Tally them all, Paul! ---
**Author:** ![Dahnlor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dahnlor/32/533_2.png) [@Dahnlor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dahnlor)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2011, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-efficient-fifty-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597700/3 "2011-09-27T06:11:11Z")
F-off, Yakov ---
**Author:** ![Tangent](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tangent/32/3098_2.png) [@Tangent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tangent)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2011, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-efficient-fifty-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597700/4 "2011-09-27T06:51:06Z")
deleted ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Q](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/898d66/32.png) [@Johnny\_Q](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Q)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2011, 7:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-efficient-fifty-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597700/5 "2011-09-27T07:43:33Z")
Hit her with an ax, Max. ---
**Author:** ![PlainJain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5daacb/32.png) [@PlainJain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlainJain)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2011, 9:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-efficient-fifty-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597700/6 "2011-09-27T09:05:10Z")
I always thought a better first line would have been: Slip out the black-jack. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2011, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-efficient-fifty-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597700/7 "2011-09-27T12:44:41Z")
Good job OP! For the eco friendly crowd. Push the pedal in the Prius Pete. ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2011, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-efficient-fifty-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597700/8 "2011-09-27T13:08:05Z")
You gotta flee, Lee - with bonus economy points for repeated letters. You might score more points for “You’d better flee, Flea” but, outside of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, it’s not a very common name. ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2011, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-efficient-fifty-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597700/9 "2011-09-27T13:28:20Z")
A while ago I came up with the following verse for the song Just get up and go, Joe You gotta be brave, Dave It’s easy to leave, Steve, just set yourself free. Just get on the train, Duane, don’t stop to explain. Just make yourself gone, Ron, set yourself free. I asked the other dopers for contributions. You can see the results below. > **[find 50 ways to leave your lover.](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=481147)** > > Paul Simon said there were 50 ways to leave your lover, but only listed 5 of them. some people have complained about that. The five given are: You just slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. You don’t need to be coy, Roy, Just get... deary, deary, me. ---
**Author:** ![postcards](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8e8cbc/32.png) [@postcards](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/postcards)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2011, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-efficient-fifty-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597700/10 "2011-09-27T14:11:08Z")
> [@Peter\_Morris](#): > > …Just make yourself gone, Ron, set yourself free… A [true Ron](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=495672) would never do such a thing… ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-efficient-fifty-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597700/11 "2011-09-29T04:05:05Z")
Trek, Beck. Hike, Mike. Cruise, Cruz. Mosey, Rosie. Run, Hon. ---
**Author:** ![willthekittensurvive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/91b2a8/32.png) [@willthekittensurvive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/willthekittensurvive)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 10:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-efficient-fifty-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597700/12 "2011-09-29T10:55:48Z")
Evaporate, Nate ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Q](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/898d66/32.png) [@Johnny\_Q](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Q)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-efficient-fifty-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597700/13 "2011-09-29T20:29:57Z")
Stick her with the bill, Phil. ---
**Author:** ![Blake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a9a28c/32.png) [@Blake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blake)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2011, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-efficient-fifty-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597700/14 "2011-10-01T08:03:52Z")
Away, Jay ---
**Author:** ![Steophan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steophan/32/9595_2.png) [@Steophan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steophan)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2011, 8:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-efficient-fifty-ways-to-leave-your-lover/597700/15 "2011-10-01T08:58:28Z")
Fly, Si would work. “Si” is an acceptable shortening of Simon, in my opinion.