# The Most Generic Yet Fiendishly Brilliant Political Internet Comment **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 30, 2012, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-generic-yet-fiendishly-brilliant-political-internet-comment/620439 "2012-04-30T19:27:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Ashley\_Pomeroy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c68b51/32.png) [@Ashley\_Pomeroy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ashley_Pomeroy)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2012, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-generic-yet-fiendishly-brilliant-political-internet-comment/620439/1 "2012-04-30T19:27:31Z")
Now, newspapers and so on usually have comment areas beneath the stories, and it’s vitally important to be the _first_ comment, or near the top, otherwise you’ll be number two, or lower. The competition is so fierce that there’s no time to read the article and make a reasoned point, so I’ve been trying to come up with the ultimate general-purpose political news story comment. So that I can just paste it in and go somewhere else. And be first. It has to _seem_ relevant and substantial, without being either of those things - except coincidentally. It can’t be just “this is rubbish” or “I disagree”, because that would be weak. Conversely, a complicated copy-and-paste diatribe would be too reminiscent of blog spam, and it would be inelegant. Already in the first two paragraphs I have made a reference to overlooked superhero spoof _Mystery Men_ and I’ve used the word “diatribe”. I planned to use the word “elide”, but decided against it. Truly I am a cut above, and I deserve more. So I applied my great brain, and came up with (drum roll) whilst reading The Guardian this morning (drum roll) specifically about Spain’s economic woes (drum roll) and I came up with (cymbal smash) whilst I was half asleep (the sound of the cymbal fades to silence; there is a cough): _“Remember, lobsters don’t feel pain…”_ I think it’s a work of genius. It can be left as a comment on almost every possible news story, and it will seem relevant and/or purposeful instead of just being random nonsense. For example, and I’ll summarise the stories as if they were conversations: **Story** : _“Spain’s economy is in terrible trouble; should the country continue with its austerity measures?”_ **Comment one** : Remember, lobsters don’t feel pain… +243 **Comment two** : In my opinion the austerity measures are perfectly sensible, but only when they are applied equally to all strata of society, and only within a robust framework of social justice. +0 See how it works? It _almost_ seems relevant. 'cause, er, the people of Spain are lobsters, metaphorically. And they’re being cooked? Slowly? And they refuse to feel the… heat? Do lobsters feel pain? Isn’t it supposed to be frogs, not lobsters? Comment two was sensible but when two tribes go to war, I get 243 upvotes and you get none. Comment three was probably something about the gold standard and how David Cameron is a fool. **Story** : _“As part of its preparations for the Olympic games, the British government plans to site anti-aircraft missile batteries in residential areas. Is this a good idea, or not?”_ **Comment one** : Remember, lobsters don’t feel pain… +23 **Comment two:** Barackommunist O’Dumbo, _more like_ +225 Because in this case the people of Britain are… being cooked. And they… something. Notice how comment two has more votes. This is because it insults Barack Obama. Well-played, comment two. **Story** : _“Pound sterling has hit a two-year high against the Euro. Strong pound, or weak Euro?”_ **Comment** : Remember, lobsters don’t feel pain… +145 **Story** : Trivial Rubbish about Jordan and Peter Andre Dressed Up as an Intelligent Article about Divorce, or Something. **Comment** : Remember, lobsters don’t feel pain. +145 Obviously that one works better if you can see the [headline picture](http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/apr/30/cant-stop-divorce-judge-paul-coleridge). I realise you haven’t got a flaming clue who Jordan and Peter Andre are, and what they mean, but - dammit - by rights I _should_ have no idea who Anderson Cooper is AND YET I DO, because I made an effort to find out about new cultures. No, not Michael Jordan. TITS! See, I was inspired by The Onion’s “Kelly” cartoons, which are [immensely clever](http://www.theonion.com/articles/january-24-2011,18921/). They’re designed to have the form of an overheated parody of a certain type of political cartoon, in such a way that the best of them are incoherent, viz the linked example. Because I’ve always been fascinated with things that mimic the form of other things, without having any of the substance. Because people only glance at the surface when they make their judgement. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Miskatonic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mr.miskatonic/32/310_2.png) [@Mr.Miskatonic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Miskatonic)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2012, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-generic-yet-fiendishly-brilliant-political-internet-comment/620439/2 "2012-04-30T19:32:57Z")
Remember, Lobsters don’t feel pain. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2012, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-generic-yet-fiendishly-brilliant-political-internet-comment/620439/3 "2012-04-30T22:57:33Z")
If a lobster tried to parse that OP, he would. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2012, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-generic-yet-fiendishly-brilliant-political-internet-comment/620439/4 "2012-04-30T23:13:44Z")
> [@Mr.Miskatonic](#): > > Remember, Lobsters don’t feel pain. I know ways. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2012, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-generic-yet-fiendishly-brilliant-political-internet-comment/620439/5 "2012-04-30T23:49:04Z")
> [@Bryan\_Ekers](#): > > If a lobster tried to parse that OP, he would. I feel your pain. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2012, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-generic-yet-fiendishly-brilliant-political-internet-comment/620439/6 "2012-04-30T23:51:55Z")
[Emo lobster disagrees with this thread.](http://i.imm.io/fqkC.jpeg) ---
**Author:** ![The\_Tao\_s\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@The\_Tao\_s\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Tao_s_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-generic-yet-fiendishly-brilliant-political-internet-comment/620439/7 "2012-05-01T00:26:47Z")
Let’s go the quarry and throw things down there! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Man\_With\_The\_Golden\_Gun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dc4da7/32.png) [@The\_Man\_With\_The\_Golden\_Gun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Man_With_The_Golden_Gun)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-generic-yet-fiendishly-brilliant-political-internet-comment/620439/8 "2012-05-01T01:24:18Z")
Considering that 95% of all of the people who do comment in earnest there believe that there is not a single problem on this Earth, from global warming to the zoning dispute between Dingbat, Kansas and the surrounding Ape Anus Township, to the existence of Rebecca Black’s “Friday” that cannot be blamed on Barack Obama, I’d say your comment would be pretty smart for those places. If you want to blend in better though, do something like say _"Remember, lobsters don’t feel pain because Buttcrack Obummer removed their nervous system._ Do that and I guarantee you’ll be at +1000 before you know it. Be sure to throw in a dig about “Mudslimes” or “Muslums” or even “sand people” as well if you really want to go for the gold. ---
**Author:** ![tomndebb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@tomndebb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tomndebb)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-generic-yet-fiendishly-brilliant-political-internet-comment/620439/9 "2012-05-01T02:36:35Z")
I see no debate, nor even a poll, here. Off to MPSIMS. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-generic-yet-fiendishly-brilliant-political-internet-comment/620439/10 "2012-05-01T02:54:04Z")
A lot of people suspect that lobsters do feel pain, actually. [Obligatory link to the “Consider the Lobster” essay](http://www.gourmet.com/magazine/2000s/2004/08/consider_the_lobster?printable=true) But yeah I understand the desire to try to rise above some of the completely inane and stupid comments on news stories. ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-generic-yet-fiendishly-brilliant-political-internet-comment/620439/11 "2012-05-01T02:56:13Z")
> [@tomndebb](#): > > I see no debate, nor even a poll, here. But do you feel pain? ---
**Author:** ![MOIDALIZE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@MOIDALIZE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MOIDALIZE)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-generic-yet-fiendishly-brilliant-political-internet-comment/620439/12 "2012-05-01T03:00:39Z")
So it’s a shaggy dog comment? ---
**Author:** ![septimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/septimus/32/410_2.png) [@septimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/septimus)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-generic-yet-fiendishly-brilliant-political-internet-comment/620439/13 "2012-05-01T05:17:44Z")
Kudos to OP. Brilliant post! The lobsters are LOL’ing in their steam pot today! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-generic-yet-fiendishly-brilliant-political-internet-comment/620439/14 "2012-05-01T05:44:03Z")
Ouch! That was a painful OP. Clearly I am not a lobster. Remember, lobsters feel no pain. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 9:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-generic-yet-fiendishly-brilliant-political-internet-comment/620439/15 "2012-05-01T09:44:56Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > I feel your pain. Totally NSFW video, but it’s just too perfect: [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPlya4TImmk](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPlya4TImmk)