# The most horrible similies you can think of. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 8, 2004, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659 "2004-11-08T16:27:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazon_Floozy_Goddess)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659/1 "2004-11-08T16:27:50Z")
I read something awhile back that nearly had me peeing my pants. It was excerpts from short stories written by highschoolers, containing unintentionally hilarious and bad similies. I do paraphrase a bit here as I can’t remember the exact wording, but this is the kind of stuff there was: “McDuff fell 10 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag full of vegetable soup.” “John and Sarah were like two hummingbirds that would never meet.” “The bricks of the house were the colour of a brick-red Crayola crayon.” If I can find that list again, I’ll post more. Have you heard of any awful similies? Have your own creations to post? ---
**Author:** ![Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazon_Floozy_Goddess)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659/2 "2004-11-08T16:38:45Z")
Oh, sweet Og. I didn’t find what I was looking for, but these are worse. “Worn down at the edges like a Times Square hooker, the caretaker’s last tooth lay on the floor like a yellow Chiclet.” “The information imbedded on the stolen computer chip was like an explosive so explosive it could explode, creating a massive explosion.” “His face looked like an ice sculpture. Not one of those pretty ones in the middle of a cruise ship buffet, but the kind they do in a contest with a chainsaw – and it had been out in the heat too long.” “The air of danger perversely made Nina’s nipples harden, like that Magic Shell stuff on a bowl of ice cream.” “The bullet burned Gilmore’s gut like the first piss after a long night in a Singapore brothel.” “His .38 barked fire, like John Goodman’s butt after a chili cookoff.” “Unable to contain his rage, he burst like a pimple of emotion, the pus of his fury streaking the mirror of calm in the bathroom of his life.” ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659/3 "2004-11-08T16:39:42Z")
I’m probably misquoting, but I saw one once that was along the lines of, “The boat floated over the water in exactly the same way as a brick wouldn’t.” ---
**Author:** ![UrbanChic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9dc877/32.png) [@UrbanChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UrbanChic)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659/4 "2004-11-08T16:40:50Z")
> [@](#): > > “His face looked like an ice sculpture. Not one of those pretty ones in the middle of a cruise ship buffet, but the kind they do in a contest with a chainsaw – and it had been out in the heat too long.” That’s awesome. ---
**Author:** ![JoeSki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b487fb/32.png) [@JoeSki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeSki)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659/5 "2004-11-08T16:59:18Z")
> [@Amazon Floozy Goddess](#): > > “The air of danger perversely made Nina’s nipples harden, like that Magic Shell stuff on a bowl of ice cream.” Lol! Funniest thing I’ll probably read all day. ---
**Author:** ![asterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4da419/32.png) [@asterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asterion)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659/6 "2004-11-08T17:01:01Z")
> [@Crunchy Frog](#): > > I’m probably misquoting, but I saw one once that was along the lines of, “The boat floated over the water in exactly the same way as a brick wouldn’t.” I think that’s Douglas Adams or Terry Pratchett. Making it an intentionally bad simile instead of an unintentionally bad one. ---
**Author:** ![FatBaldGuy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecd19e/32.png) [@FatBaldGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FatBaldGuy)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659/7 "2004-11-08T17:02:29Z")
[http://www.tallrite.com/LightRelief/similes.htm](http://www.tallrite.com/LightRelief/similes.htm) > [@](#): > > Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. This is similar, but not quite the same as a list I saw from school kids some time back. ---
**Author:** ![Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazon_Floozy_Goddess)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659/8 "2004-11-08T17:02:41Z")
Oh, oh, I’m dying! “His body was hard - not hard like Milosevic, the Serbian strongman, but hard like the marble on your shower floor, when you fall and bang your knee.” “Her shoulders heaved like the tiny sobs of Snuggles the cat being run through with a roasting spit.” “Her petticoats dropped to the ground, rustling like a cockroach in a sugar bowl.” “As she kissed her way down his manly chest, he felt his Amalgamated Crane Company stock increasing in value.” “…then he kissed her, like a butterfly kisses the windshield of a Porsche on the Autobahn.” “His manhood stood at full attention, stiff and stony like the vice president.” “He awoke my slumbering womanhood with his double tall loin latte. “Starbuck!”, I cried.” “His finger, weathered and rough from years on the ranch, danced in and out of his nose like a slimy ballerina.” ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659/9 "2004-11-08T17:10:22Z")
> [@asterion](#): > > I think that’s Douglas Adams or Terry Pratchett. Making it an intentionally bad simile instead of an unintentionally bad one. Ah, now that you mention it, it may be something I picked up from reading Adams. The only Pratchett I read was “Good Omens” and I don’t recall any boats being mentioned. But I’ve read Adams a lot and you’re right, it does sound like him now that you mention it. ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659/10 "2004-11-08T17:13:48Z")
My favorite - “He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree” ---
**Author:** ![Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazon_Floozy_Goddess)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659/11 "2004-11-08T17:14:21Z")
Ah! [Here’s](http://www.airynothing.com/humor/Bad_similie.txt) the list I was looking for. Now that I’ve found these other ones they seem to pale in comparison, but they’re still pretty good. ---
**Author:** ![scr4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@scr4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scr4)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659/12 "2004-11-08T17:21:05Z")
> [@Crunchy Frog](#): > > But I’ve read Adams a lot and you’re right, it does sound like him now that you mention it. The line is “The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.” It’s from _Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy_, describing the Vogon ships that came to demolish the earth. ---
**Author:** ![smilingscar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbe5ce/32.png) [@smilingscar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smilingscar)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659/13 "2004-11-08T18:02:01Z")
Your eyes glow like naked livers burning in the sun. WHEEEEEEEEEEEE…! 😃 (tee-hee) ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659/14 "2004-11-08T18:47:37Z")
I remember in high school co-writing a short story with a friend for our English class. We didn’t have much respect for the assignment, so we didn’t take it very seriously. But when one of us wrote, “A smile spread across his face like mayonnaise,” we both lost it. It was the high point of an otherwise unexceptional class. But it pales in comparison to some of those you gave, **Amazon** –thanks for the laugh! Daniel ---
**Author:** ![Kilvert\_s\_Pagan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c37758/32.png) [@Kilvert\_s\_Pagan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kilvert_s_Pagan)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659/15 "2004-11-08T18:54:48Z")
**Venus on the Half-Shell** , by Kilgore Trout (really by Philip Jose Farmer), is chock full of these… but then again, like those by Douglas Adams, they’re intentionally bad. My favorite: “…warm and nutritious as a diabetic’s urine.” ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659/16 "2004-11-08T19:03:39Z")
Ohhhh…s **i** milies…I was expecting descriptions of god-awful smilies. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659/17 "2004-11-08T20:39:05Z")
> [@Hal Briston](#): > > Ohhhh…s **i** milies…I was expecting descriptions of god-awful smilies. :smack: I first read it as ‘smilies’ too. Glad I’m not the only one. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Freejooky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ba8739/32.png) [@Freejooky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freejooky)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659/18 "2004-11-08T21:06:16Z")
Neal Pollack on 9/11 - “Like two cakes toppling over in an over-hot oven…” :smack: ---
**Author:** ![MLS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/919ad9/32.png) [@MLS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MLS)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659/19 "2004-11-09T01:40:23Z")
What you need to do is check out the results of the annual [Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest](http://www2.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2004.htm) . The 2004 winner: > [@](#): > > She resolved to end the love affair with Ramon tonight . . . summarily, like Martha Stewart ripping the sand vein out of a shrimp’s tail . . . though the term “love affair” now struck her as a ridiculous euphemism . . . not unlike “sand vein,” which is after all an intestine, not a vein . . . and that tarry substance inside certainly isn’t sand . . . and that brought her back to Ramon. Written by Dave Zobel of Manhattan Beach, CA. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2004, 6:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659/20 "2004-11-09T06:18:21Z")
I came here specifically to say “He hit the ground like a Hefty bag full of vegetable soup.” Somebody _always_ beats me to the punch, but it’s usually not the OP. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-horrible-similies-you-can-think-of/273659.md?page=2)