# The most insensitive remark, ever **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 31, 2004, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-insensitive-remark-ever/226932 "2004-01-31T18:00:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![TeaElle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8491ac/32.png) [@TeaElle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TeaElle)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2004, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-insensitive-remark-ever/226932/21 "2004-02-01T05:13:54Z")
> [@county](#): > > I don’t know as I would want to kill or maim her only care-taker. I do know that this situation has enough pain involved without inflicting more. Wow, I’m agreeing with county. Wonders shan’t cease. I hurt like hell for that kid, but also for the dad. Clearly he’s not handling this well. **choosybeggar** , can you refer him to a support group or some kind of respite assistance that might give him some relief and help him learn how to handle his apprehensions and channel his concerns into more positive outlets? ---
**Author:** ![IWLN](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b5ac83/32.png) [@IWLN](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IWLN)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2004, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-insensitive-remark-ever/226932/22 "2004-02-01T05:22:10Z")
> [@TeaElle](#): > > Wow, I’m agreeing with county. Wonders shan’t cease. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone agree with **county**. Are you _sure_ you understood what he said? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Teelo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8491ac/32.png) [@Teelo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Teelo)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2004, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-insensitive-remark-ever/226932/23 "2004-02-01T06:19:32Z")
Holy shit, that is unbelievable! :mad: Like **Guinastasia** , I’m also interested in what happened next. (If you don’t mind.) ---
**Author:** ![choosybeggar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8c91f0/32.png) [@choosybeggar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/choosybeggar)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2004, 6:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-insensitive-remark-ever/226932/24 "2004-02-01T06:50:08Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Holy SHIT!!! Did the little girl react? > > ☹ No, no reaction at all. I looked over at her, too. Not even an, “I know my Dad is an asshole,” eye roll. My plan is to call the primary treating physician (I’m only a consult), and discuss the matter. ---
**Author:** ![DoctorJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctorj/32/2904_2.png) [@DoctorJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoctorJ)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2004, 7:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-insensitive-remark-ever/226932/25 "2004-02-01T07:47:44Z")
One of the other residents working with me in clinic last month asked me to see a patient for her. “They hate me,” she said. This is one of the most pleasant, well-spoken, competent doctors in our program, and I couldn’t imagine what she must have done to piss these people off. The patient in question was a 93 year old lady with moderate dementia who had been in the hospital a few months ago with a rather nasty pneumonia. Gretchen (the resident in question) was asked to come up and answer some questions for the patient’s son. The son–no spring chicken himself–turned out to have completely unrealistic expectations about his mother’s potential recovery; he seemed to think that treating her pneumonia would also cure much of the cognitive and functional decline she had been experiencing for years. At some point in her explanation of what was causing what, Gretchen said, “She’s 93 years old.” At that point, the son flew off the handle with a loud, profane rant about what a horrible doctor Gretchen was for writing his mother off like that, and she ought to have her license taken away, and he hoped her family treated her better than that, and that God would smite her. (She’s not sure he used the word “smite”, but it was at least a synonym.) Gretchen and her team were scared, because it would not be unprecedented for a 93-year-old admitted for pneumonia to, you know, die, and it was clear that this man would have not only taken it poorly, but would have raised as much of a stink as humanly possible. Fortunately for all, she recovered after a while and got to go back home. When I went in to see them in the clinic, the son talked for five minutes (he does all the talking, while his mom sits in her wheelchair and smiles–she’s pleasantly demented) before talking about that horrible doctor they saw in the hospital. So for every parent who talks casually about his eleven-year-old’s potential death, there’s a son who refuses to accept that his 93-year-old mother might not return to the picture of health. As a primary doc myself, it is 100% essential that you call up the primary and explain this. Dr. J ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2004, 8:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-insensitive-remark-ever/226932/26 "2004-02-01T08:08:36Z")
> [@Qadgop the Mercotan](#): > > If we physicians were expected to never discuss the sorts of situations and people we encounter, and how we deal with them, we’d go mad. You’d be far worse off than that, at least WRT patient treatment and procedures; if you never got to discuss new methods or learn about them or anything like that (and I told that sometimes these new methods arise from something new happening with a patient), your entire profession would be less informed. That bodes poorly for the population as a whole. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2004, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-insensitive-remark-ever/226932/27 "2004-02-02T02:40:27Z")
Just reading the text of the OP I’m wondering\* how\* the father said the sentence. She had it for two years so “They don’t live too long when they get it so young, right?” Could be, my daughter is in mortal danger and I’m pretty scared about it. Or, she should have died but she hasn’t yet, so that’s means she might beat it. The phrase _too long_ may mean that he thought she had \ **Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2004, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-insensitive-remark-ever/226932/28 "2004-02-02T03:07:23Z") > [@Qadgop the Mercotan](#): > > Speaking as a doctor and as a parent of a child with Cystic Fibrosis, that caretaker needs remedial education in sensitivity. My first educational tool of choice would be a tire iron. I need a [LART](http://foldoc.doc.ic.ac.uk/foldoc/foldoc.cgi?LART), stat! And it would take more self-control than I usually have not to go off on the father had I been in the room. ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2004, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-insensitive-remark-ever/226932/29 "2004-02-02T16:04:09Z")
Calling the father cruel implies that he wants to make his daughter feel like shit and would rather be rid of her, but I don’t think that’s the case here. Yeah, it’s an incredibly moronic and insensitive thing to say, but it seems like he’s trying to help her. ---
**Author:** ![Cosmopolitan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/94ad74/32.png) [@Cosmopolitan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cosmopolitan)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2004, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-insensitive-remark-ever/226932/30 "2004-02-02T17:10:24Z")
I dunno… I’m having a hard time seeing the father as “cruel”, in the sense of the word that implies an _intent_ to cause pain. I surely think that he should’ve thought about what he was about to say & then not said it. Then again, I dunno what mental state I’d be in if I were in his shoes. ---
**Author:** ![choosybeggar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8c91f0/32.png) [@choosybeggar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/choosybeggar)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2004, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-insensitive-remark-ever/226932/31 "2004-02-03T04:48:09Z")
> [@Cosmopolitan](#): > > I dunno… I’m having a hard time seeing the father as “cruel”, in the sense of the word that implies an _intent_ to cause pain. I surely think that he should’ve thought about what he was about to say & then not said it. Then again, I dunno what mental state I’d be in if I were in his shoes. Several posters have alluded to the abiguity of the situation. Dad clearly is “the guy” in this girls life; he knows her medical history well and he’s taking her to see me essentially for an itch. OTOH, he looks sketchy (I assumed substanse abuse, but who knows), he clearly lacks a rapport with his daughter, and, well, I already told you what he said. The situation struck me as being near-crisis. I tried calling the pediatrician today but she’s out of town. I’ll fill y’all in when I reach her. ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2004, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-insensitive-remark-ever/226932/32 "2004-02-03T23:22:21Z")
> [@choosybeggar](#): > > Several posters have alluded to the abiguity of the situation. Clearly not the remark, but the context that makes it so offensive. Poor little lamb. I am totally depressed now. ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2004, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-insensitive-remark-ever/226932/33 "2004-02-03T23:46:50Z")
No question the guy shouldn’t have said it, but let’s not be glib and simply condemn his as a creep (although he may be). Unless I totally misunderstood, he’s the primary and maybe sole caregiver to a patient with a disease that takes a lot of attention. If she were in an institution, she’d be getting care from staff that can go home after a shift is over. A family member doing the job alone is always on duty and can’t really have another life. I think I can understand resentment of the situation turning over time into resentment of the patient herself, then growing hatred, and then even a wish for her to die not only to end her pain but to allow the caregiver to simply have a life again. If that becomes a normal way to think, it can become a normal way to talk, too. Not only that, but the girl most likely understands and accepts the reality of her short lifespan, and may not have been all that hurt anyway - it’s just not possible for a normal parent-child relationship to exist under the circumstances. Not to criticize you doctors unduly, but I hope you can find the time in such cases to consider that you’re dealing with the entire family affected by a disease, not just the particular person who has it. Have you, or would you, discuss that with the parent, and do you have a family counseling program to gently offer? ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2004, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-insensitive-remark-ever/226932/34 "2004-02-04T03:12:39Z")
> [@Qadgop the Mercotan](#): > > My first educational tool of choice would be a tire iron. If you would be so kind as to call in the prescription for that I will happily make sure he takes his medicine :D. Ferroprophylaxis, when you need to make sure the the problem is . ---
**Author:** ![county](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ce7236/32.png) [@county](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/county)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2004, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-insensitive-remark-ever/226932/35 "2004-02-04T03:26:56Z")
> [@choosybeggar](#): > > The situation struck me as being near-crisis. I tried calling the pediatrician today but she’s out of town. I’ll fill y’all in when I reach her. Crisis or near crisis, probably has been for quite a while and will continue to be for quite a while. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-insensitive-remark-ever/226932.md?page=1)