# The most ridiculous thing you've ever heard from a customer **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 14, 2006, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344 "2006-03-14T18:58:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2006, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344/81 "2006-03-15T18:21:27Z")
> [@SmartAleq](#): > > I just loved the customers who’d call in to Care with minute overage on their wireless phone, and when I’d carefully explain that I could make it all go away with backdating if they’d just change their rate plan to something more realistic for their usage patterns I’d get the immortal line: > > “But I don’t want to pay that much!” > > Arrgh, you ignorant fucktard–you’re telling me you’d rather pay for two hundred bucks of overage rather than go to a rate plan that’s twenty bucks more than your current one? Are you STUPID? Which would end up costing them $240 over the course of the year, rather than (possibly) a 1-time overage fee of $200. Where’s the stupidity? ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2006, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344/82 "2006-03-15T19:30:19Z")
> [@Aangelica](#): > > A gentleman shouldn’t take a picture of a lady’s ass without permission! Yet, sadly, they fail to teach this in etiquette schools. 😃 And I gotta agree with **cbawlmer** , you win hands down! ---
**Author:** ![Katriona](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/katriona/32/113_2.png) [@Katriona](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katriona)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2006, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344/83 "2006-03-15T19:31:35Z")
> [@McNew](#): > > Which would end up costing them $240 over the course of the year, rather than (possibly) a 1-time overage fee of $200. Where’s the stupidity? If it’s a one-time thing, sure, but if SmartAleq’s customers are anything like my company’s were, there’s a goodly portion who will go through the same rigmarole every month, but somehow think it’s ‘too expensive’ to just change their damn plan. ---
**Author:** ![Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2006, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344/84 "2006-03-15T20:17:15Z")
More humor from the land of medical billing: Crazy Froot Loop: Whose Toyota is that out there? me: Mine. Why? CFL: You want to sell it? me: No. CFL: Why not? me: Because I need it to get to work. CFL: If you were going to sell it, what would you ask for? me: I’m not selling it. CFL: I had a car like that before my accident and you know what the insurance company gave me for it? me: Did you have a _billing question_ I could answer? CFL: No, really, what do you think your car’s worth? me: I’m not here to answer questions about my car. What is your question? CFL: That’s what insurance does, it screws you. I have all these bills and they don’t pay anything. It’s organized extortion. me: Who are you? CFL: I’m [Crazy Froot Loop]. me: It looks like you were seen in the Emergency Room at [hospital]. You have a balance of [$X.XX]. CFL: How come I’m getting bills from you? me: Our radiologists read X-rays that [hospital] takes, so we split the billing. CFL: I called [hospital] and they sent me to some place in [city]. me: That’s where their billing office is. CFL: So you’re saying I have to pay three different people for services I didn’t even have? me: Aren’t you [Crazy Froot Loop]? CFL: Yes. me: Then these are your bills to pay. CFL: See, this is illegal. The laws are on your side, they protect you. This is extortion. They make you pay and pay. me: Did you have those services done? CFL: Yeah. me: Then you owe the money. CFL: I should call the cops, this is illegal extortion. This is all a conspiracy with the insurance companies to screw you out of money. me: Have a nice day. ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2006, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344/85 "2006-03-15T20:31:44Z")
> [@Katriona](#): > > If it’s a one-time thing, sure, but if SmartAleq’s customers are anything like my company’s were, there’s a goodly portion who will go through the same rigmarole every month, but somehow think it’s ‘too expensive’ to just change their damn plan. I see your point. You’ll have to forgive me though, because I’ve been in several protracted battles with mobile service providers for mistakes that were in fact theirs, but when I complain their “solution” is to offer me a more expensive plan with the specious argument that it’ll be cheaper than paying the overcharge in the first place. And I work for a mobile carrier. ---
**Author:** ![FatBaldGuy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecd19e/32.png) [@FatBaldGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FatBaldGuy)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2006, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344/86 "2006-03-15T20:37:44Z")
And don’t forget, if you change your plan then you are locked in to your contract for another year, so you can’t change to another provider without paying some ungodly cancellation fee. I swear that some of these marketing practices should be illegal. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2006, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344/87 "2006-03-15T20:44:20Z")
A few days ago I spent _twenty minutes_ explaining to a patron that I couldn’t give her the address of the American embassy in Puerto Rico because there _is_ no embassy there because it is _not a foreign country_. I kept trying to find different ways to word it, but it just wasn’t getting through to her. Finally I figured out that she really just needed an address for her daughter to write to for a school project and shut her up with the Tourism Board. ---
**Author:** ![Elret](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Elret](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elret)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2006, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344/88 "2006-03-15T20:59:16Z")
I used to work for a company that picked up and sold old cars for charity. Most of the cars were actually worth less than the cost of the tow, but it always resulted in at least a few bucks for the charity. We had a very simply-written, one page contract that outlined the (surprisingly low, to some) amount one could generally expect their vehicle to bring in to the charity, and most donors were just thrilled to get the old junkers off their property. I got a call one day from a woman who was absolutely shocked at the small amount her car had sold for, and was just beside herself with rage. I explained to her why older cars that aren’t running sell for what they do, but she would hear none of it. She was claiming to be a lawyer and was threatening to sue. I reminded her of the contract she had signed which had clearly stated the amount she could expect her vehicle to sell for, and offered to send her a copy to review. She was absolutely outraged at this idea, and sputtered, “Well, I didn’t _read_ it! I have to read things all day at work, I shouldn’t be expected to have to read things on my own time.” ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2006, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344/89 "2006-03-15T21:07:47Z")
Here are two from my days bagging groceries: I took a customers bags out to her car and were loading them into the trunk while she buckled her toddler into the car seat. Right as I’m about to close the trunk she reaches in, grabs a beer and winks at me, saying, “One for the road!” Geez lady, go ahead and drive the curvy mountain road while drinking. Oh, and make sure your kid is in the car while you do it. Another time a “Floridiot” (The term for snowbirds while they’re in NC) was buying a big salmon steak and had gotten a small bag of ice to put in the paper gracery bag with it. This was not one of those 10lb bags of ice cubes. This was a little one pound or so of shaved ice the meat dept guys gave her. As I bagged the fish she says to put the little ice bag on top because the bags were going to be in the trunk _for the weekend_. What can one say but, “Nice knowin’ ya?” ---
**Author:** ![mrklutz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ebca7d/32.png) [@mrklutz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrklutz)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2006, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344/90 "2006-03-15T21:13:36Z")
> [@Amazon Floozy Goddess](#): > > And wood DOES NOT grow on trees. Everybody knows that if you offer a bowl of Cool Whip to Knotholimus the Lumber God on a full moon at midnight, a slab of wood will appear somewhere in the world the next morning. And thus is the phenomenon of “morning wood” explained… ---
**Author:** ![JustAnotherGeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/58f4c7/32.png) [@JustAnotherGeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JustAnotherGeek)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2006, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344/91 "2006-03-15T21:28:37Z")
> [@Aangelica](#): > > I went through nearly a case of Coke one day when I was working in the garden in a sports bra and short-shorts (hey - it was 75 degrees and humid!). Mostly I aimed to near-miss, but a few were offensive enough I actually hit them. So, how _you_ doin? 😃 ::ducks:: ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2006, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344/92 "2006-03-15T23:12:12Z")
> [@Mouse\_Maven](#): > > I’m sure the vendor heard me asking my principle investigator if this order was for real. \ Principal Investigator, even though they may be invetsigating principles. The most annoying one of a series of doozies from our clients at the family shelter (funded in most part by city tax dollars): after complaining about how we weren’t doing enough of her work for her in finding her a new apartment, she lets fly with: “My welfare check pays your salary!” 😕 Yeah, I have no clue where those Federal, state and city tax withholdings go… ---
**Author:** ![elelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f0a364/32.png) [@elelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elelle)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2006, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344/93 "2006-03-15T23:21:34Z")
**One of Elvis’ Customers** A friend was the archivist at Graceland in Memphis,TN. One phone call was from a woman who proceeded to complain about political matters, and to “Tell the President” this and this and that and thensuch. Archivist friend said, with her sweet Southern politeness “M’am, this is Graceland. I think you want to talk to the White House.” Caller: “Yes, but I don’t **have** that phone number.” Lord-a-Mercy. ---
**Author:** ![GorillaMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/50afbb/32.png) [@GorillaMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GorillaMan)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2006, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344/94 "2006-03-15T23:33:06Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > A few days ago I spent _twenty minutes_ explaining to a patron that I couldn’t give her the address of the American embassy in Puerto Rico because there _is_ no embassy there because it is _not a foreign country_. A friend of mine lives in Bermuda, and has the opposite problem. She told me about one particuarly amusing (if frustrating) situation with a particular four-letter computer company: “X Y Z, Bermuda”…“What state is that?” “Errrr, Bermuda”…“Which state is that in?” …“Errrrrrrr…none of them?” “I need your state” etc. etc. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2006, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344/95 "2006-03-15T23:42:22Z")
I sometimes work at the library, where part of my job is to keep an eye on the Internet terminals. This is where people go when they do not have online access at home, so a good percentage of them don’t know how to navigate the Web and need help. We get a lot of elderly people who are bewildered by having to go online to do their Medicaid, etc. (stupid Medicaid, asking 80-year-olds to do that) or whatever. Anyway yesterday a regular patron came in, about 60, with a demeanor of barely controlled panic. Every few minutes she would rush up to my desk with a new crisis. PanickedLady: I’m trying to get my email and it won’t work! What do I do? me: (seeing that her IE window is on the library’s homepage and she hasn’t yet done a thing) Where do you get your email? PL: Here at the library! We figured out that her email account is at yahoo, so I got her there, and then she couldn’t figure out what her userID was. A few minutes later, she panicked again: did the printer work? She tried to print something out, but did it work? Did it all print? What if only part of it did? (The answer to this dilemma is to go and see what has come out of the printer.) Oh well, she left eventually. ---
**Author:** ![GIGObuster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gigobuster/32/421_2.png) [@GIGObuster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GIGObuster)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2006, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344/96 "2006-03-15T23:48:58Z")
> [@Tenar](#): > > As \*\*ladyfoxfyre \*\* isn’t online right now, I’ll answer. > > “Snowbirds” are elderly Northerners who travel to Florida for the winter. We call them like that here in Arizona too. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344/97 "2006-03-16T00:00:55Z")
As I’ve mentioned before, I’m in health insurance sales and most of my day involves talking to business owners, getting information from and writing quotes for policies. Some of it may be confusing if you’re not familiar with insurance but this little exchange was the most priceless. Me - Who am I speaking with? stupid person - What? me - what is your name please? SP - My name or the owners name? me - your name please. SP - The owners name is blah blah me - Ok, but I also need your name to show who I spoke with. SP - You need my name? me - Yes, Your name please, the person I am speaking with. SP - I’m Stupid Person From their tone etc I could tell it wasn’t that they just didn’t want to give their name, they seemed genuinely confused by the question. ---
**Author:** ![ouryL](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ouryl/32/6067_2.png) [@ouryL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ouryL)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344/98 "2006-03-16T00:22:50Z")
> [@Roland Orzabal](#): > > Hoo boy, is this one ever a toss-up. I’m currently a telephone banker, and I used to wait tables and manage at a steakhouse. Off the top of my head, and in no particular order: > > **1.** “Why would I write a check if I had the money in my account?!” > > **2.** “I ordered this steak medium rare! Why the fuck is there _pink_ and _red_ in it?” > > **3.** [as customer holds up bottle of house BBQ sauce and points at label that says **TEXAS BBQ SAUCE**] “Is this steak sauce?” > > **4.** [after I tell that same customer that, no, it is in fact barbecue sauce] “…is this barbecue sauce?” > > **5.** Customer: “I want to pay my Sprint bill.” > > Me: “Certainly; would you like to set that up through your Online Billpay?” > > Customer: “…I just want to pay my bill.” > > Me: “Did you mean to call Bigass Corporate Bank?” > > Customer: “This is the bank, right?” (Ok, at this point I figure this guy is one of those people who think they need to call their bank to pay their bills for some reason. We get a couple of those each day.) > > Me: “Yes sir, it sure is. Did you want to pay your bill out of your BCB account?” > > Customer: "B-but…I don’t have any accounts with BCB. I just want to pay my Sprint bill. > > Me: “All right, sir, I’m afraid I’ll have to refer you to Sprint then. Would you like the telephone number?” > > Customer: “You’re the bank, right?” > > Me: [imagining myself reincarnated as the physical embodiment of a financial institution] “Yes.” > > Customer: “Can’t the bank pay my bill?” > That’s it for now. I’ll post more as they come to me. I suspect in some municipalities, one can pay one’s utilities through the local banks. 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Sierra\_Indigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Sierra\_Indigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sierra_Indigo)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344/99 "2006-03-16T00:39:36Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > As I’ve mentioned before, I’m in health insurance sales and most of my day involves talking to business owners, getting information from and writing quotes for policies. Some of it may be confusing if you’re not familiar with insurance but this little exchange was the most priceless. > > Me - Who am I speaking with? > stupid person - What? > me - what is your name please? > SP - My name or the owners name? > me - your name please. > SP - The owners name is blah blah > me - Ok, but I also need your name to show who I spoke with. > SP - You need my name? > me - Yes, Your name please, the person I am speaking with. > SP - I’m Stupid Person > > From their tone etc I could tell it wasn’t that they just didn’t want to give their name, they seemed genuinely confused by the question. I get the same problem all the time. I can almost forgive the ‘username’ kerfuffle, where they seem bent on giving me the account holder’s name, but when I ask “And who am I speaking with” I don’t need to know who owns the account, or who pays the bills or who owns the phone line. I would like to know who I’m talking to so a) I can tell if they’re authorised on the account so I can check billing or passwords or whatever, and b) so I know who I’m addressing and don’t just have to resort to saying “Hey, you!” But my favourite question of all time would have to be “Do I need a computer to access the internet?”, shortly followed by “Why do I have to have a phone line to dial up?” ---
**Author:** ![ouryL](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ouryl/32/6067_2.png) [@ouryL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ouryL)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2006, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344/100 "2006-03-16T00:40:52Z")
> [@Aangelica](#): > > My dad was seriously aggravated by that particular incident. So much so that he put up a large sign on the beach in front of our house (which is where the tourists had come from - they were visiting a sightseeing location 150 yards or so down the beachfront) informing people that if anyone else should do such a foolish thing, he’d be forced to shoot them. > > The sign lasted almost a whole week before my mom got tired of people knocking on her door asking if she and my dad would pose with the gun in front of the sign and took it down. > > My brother and I took the simpler, but more violent, expedient of winging whatever small object was at hand when tourists wandered onto our property sporting the assumption we were all part of AlaskaLand! ™. I went through nearly a case of Coke one day when I was working in the garden in a sports bra and short-shorts (hey - it was 75 degrees and humid!). Mostly I aimed to near-miss, but a few were offensive enough I actually hit them. Like the guy who was taking pictures of my ass. A gentleman shouldn’t take a picture of a lady’s ass without permission! Our “ancestral” home is at the end of the road, literally. Tourist would often get lost and end up there. My aunt’s husband’s father spent his time selling these tourist soda and potato chips and direction where to go. Made a pretty penny seeing how they felt obligated to buy something. 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-most-ridiculous-thing-youve-ever-heard-from-a-customer/348344.md?page=6)