# The new Superman movie......There is no God **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 24, 2004, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-new-superman-movie-there-is-no-god/230784 "2004-02-24T00:04:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![B.Serum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/b.serum/32/14266_2.png) [@B.Serum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/B.Serum)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2004, 6:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-new-superman-movie-there-is-no-god/230784/21 "2004-02-24T06:56:25Z")
> [@Ilsa\_Lund](#): > > M. Night Shyamalan’s _Superman_: A young newspaper reporter has strange nightmares and hallucinations leading to freakish encounters with an ambiguosly gay muscly guy who saves people while wearing lots of Lycra. This is so deeply unsettling, he vows to kill this ‘Superman.’ At the end, in a horrible twist, he finds that _he_ is Superman and has been doing all of these things himself and then blanking out. > > Darren Aronofsky’s _Superman_: Superman, depressed by his life on earth, enters a downward spiral of drug and alcohol abuse while being chased by Lex Luthor, who is trying to extract the secrets of the planet Krypton from his head. The movie ends with Superman’s arm being chopped off and used as a double ended dildo which he and Luthor take up the ass to feed their smack addictions. Oooh! Oooh! What fun! **Ethan and Joel Coen’s _Superman_:** Set in fictional 1930’s Kansas, amidst a backdrop of colorfully eccentric small-town types, Clark Kent (George Clooney) is the well-liked reporter for the “Smallville Gazette.” In the middle of his usual beat of farm reports, he stumbles upon what appears to be a kidnapping of popular folk singing local celebrity Lana Lang (Frances McDormand) that threatens to rock Smallville to the core. Taking it upon himself to solve the mystery and rescue the girl, Kent encounters a series of bizzare characters that only deepen the plot in this screwball comedy. Upon determining that the kidnapper is his old high school nemesis Lex Luthor (John Turturro), Kent is shocked to discover that Lana was merely on tour with Kent’s estranged twin Mark (John Goodman) who engineered the plot as payback for being nicknamed “Bizarro Clark” as children. Also stars Steve Buscemi as Brandon “Braniac” Ackerson, who suffers an untimely death involving a milking machine. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2004, 7:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-new-superman-movie-there-is-no-god/230784/22 "2004-02-24T07:51:56Z")
> [@Revtim](#): > > At least Nicolas Cage is no longer gonna play big blue. I don’t want to a see a Superman that says “Dude! No Way!”. You think that’s bad? I heard that there was once a _Superman_ movie in production that starred **Christopher Reeve**! I mean, come on, that guy can’t even walk! Oh, wait … ---
**Author:** ![Weird\_AL\_Einstein](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c67d28/32.png) [@Weird\_AL\_Einstein](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weird_AL_Einstein)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2004, 8:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-new-superman-movie-there-is-no-god/230784/23 "2004-02-24T08:51:39Z")
> [@Hey you!](#): > > Oooh! Oooh! What fun! > > **Ethan and Joel Coen’s _Superman_:** > > (snip) So…are we trying to start a “What if Superman had been written by someone else…” thread? ---
**Author:** ![DoctorJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctorj/32/2904_2.png) [@DoctorJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoctorJ)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2004, 11:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-new-superman-movie-there-is-no-god/230784/24 "2004-02-24T11:24:50Z")
> [@](#): > > Darren Aronofsky’s Superman: Superman, depressed by his life on earth, enters a downward spiral of drug and alcohol abuse while being chased by Lex Luthor, who is trying to extract the secrets of the planet Krypton from his head. The movie ends with Superman’s arm being chopped off and used as a double ended dildo which he and Luthor take up the ass to feed their smack addictions. There’s also a subplot in which Superman is terrorized by his refrigerator. ---
**Author:** ![slu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/74df32/32.png) [@slu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slu)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2004, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-new-superman-movie-there-is-no-god/230784/25 "2004-02-24T15:02:31Z")
I don’t know…I kinda like The O.C.!!! ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2004, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-new-superman-movie-there-is-no-god/230784/26 "2004-02-24T16:32:23Z")
I just about broke down and cried when I heard the Ashton Kutcher rumor–I hadn’t thought anything could be worse than Nicolas Cage. And as much as I love all things Superman (hell, I even watch _Smallville_), the only time I was even vaguely excited about a new movie was back when Kevin Smith was involved. Please, please, _please_, Hollywood, don’t mess with a good thing. _sigh_ ---
**Author:** ![kung\_fu\_lola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f4b2a3/32.png) [@kung\_fu\_lola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kung_fu_lola)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2004, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-new-superman-movie-there-is-no-god/230784/27 "2004-02-24T18:36:30Z")
> [@Hüsker Düde](#): > > You forgot the best part – polar bear guards at the Fortress of Solitude and the Giant Spider. Look up, **Dude**. I already beat both of you to it. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2004, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-new-superman-movie-there-is-no-god/230784/28 "2004-02-24T20:24:39Z")
Oh please. If that giant spider had been named “Shelob” you drooling fanboys woulda been all over it. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2004, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-new-superman-movie-there-is-no-god/230784/29 "2004-02-24T20:25:28Z")
> [@Draelin](#): > > And as much as I love all things Superman (hell, I even watch _Smallville_), the only time I was even vaguely excited about a new movie was back when Kevin Smith was involved. Jay and Silent Bob as Kryptonian criminals? ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2004, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-new-superman-movie-there-is-no-god/230784/30 "2004-02-24T20:26:33Z")
> [@Otto](#): > > Oh please. If that giant spider had been named “Shelob” you drooling fanboys woulda been all over it. Only if Shelob had had eyes made out of Kryptonite. ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2004, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-new-superman-movie-there-is-no-god/230784/31 "2004-02-24T20:28:13Z")
> [@tracer](#): > > Jay and Silent Bob as Kryptonian criminals? _“Come, son of Jor El, kneel before the snoochie noochies!!!”_ ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2004, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-new-superman-movie-there-is-no-god/230784/32 "2004-02-24T20:32:34Z")
> [@Draelin](#): > > _“Come, son of Jor El, kneel before the snoochie noochies!!!”_ If he won’t kneel before me, I’ll swing down and smash him over the head with a sock full of quarters! Sup, bitch? ---
**Author:** ![Mojo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Mojo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mojo)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2004, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-new-superman-movie-there-is-no-god/230784/33 "2004-02-24T20:40:23Z")
> [@Weird\_AL\_Einstein](#): > > So…are we trying to start a “What if Superman had been written by someone else…” thread? I’ve been saving my “Todd Solondz’s Superman” for just such a thread. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-new-superman-movie-there-is-no-god/230784.md?page=1)