# The nicer the guy, the darker the sexual secrets? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 20, 2013, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-nicer-the-guy-the-darker-the-sexual-secrets/650866 "2013-02-20T05:39:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2013, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-nicer-the-guy-the-darker-the-sexual-secrets/650866/81 "2013-02-20T19:21:21Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > We’ve recently suffered threads wherein guys who behave suspiciously are regarded with suspicion. Pick-up artists, catcallers, men who lurk around women at work have been picked apart lately. > > We haven’t had any recent threads about men who conduct themselves with wit, courtesy, or philogyny mainly because it isn’t extraordinary to expect human beings of both sexes to employ empathy and generally be awesome to one another. I’m pretty sure we’ve had recent threads about males feeling conflicted\* in offering emergency assistance to female strangers, lost children, etc - which is what I was talking about. \*ETA: I mean conflicted between the obvious risk of not helping, and the perceived risk of being misunderstood if you do help. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2013, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-nicer-the-guy-the-darker-the-sexual-secrets/650866/82 "2013-02-20T19:36:44Z")
It sounds to me like this author is trying to justify his asshole behavior by demonizing “nice”. “I may be called a jerk now and then but at least I’m not a pervert like those nice guys!” And why is pedophilia now the only “dark” secret? Maybe the nice guys just want to tie you up? Or get spanked? Or want to pee on you? Or wants to pretend she’s his sister? Or maybe have a necro sex? Or just wants to watch you masturbate? Things that aren’t illegal but not “normal”. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2013, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-nicer-the-guy-the-darker-the-sexual-secrets/650866/83 "2013-02-20T19:43:20Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > I’m pretty sure we’ve had recent threads about males feeling conflicted\* in offering emergency assistance to female strangers, lost children, etc - which is what I was talking about. > > \*ETA: I mean conflicted between the obvious risk of not helping, and the perceived risk of being misunderstood if you do help. Unfortunately profiling isn’t limited to gender. Everything from style of clothing to the color of one’s skin can arouse suspicion, and it isn’t the fault of defensive women. It’s unfortunate when someone is insulted by guarded behavior or feels the need to inconvenience himself by crossing the street to avoid spooking the jogger or the photographer who feels bummed out that he’s missing a great shot of joyful kids playing, but these aren’t strictly male problems. I could no more get away with photographing the children of strangers or shopping in a high end store wearing pjs and missed hair than you could. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2013, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-nicer-the-guy-the-darker-the-sexual-secrets/650866/84 "2013-02-20T19:50:11Z")
\*mussed hair ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2013, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-nicer-the-guy-the-darker-the-sexual-secrets/650866/85 "2013-02-20T20:30:30Z")
Definitely true in my case. I’m one of the nicest guys you’ll meet. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2013, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-nicer-the-guy-the-darker-the-sexual-secrets/650866/86 "2013-02-20T21:10:47Z")
> [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > It seems pussy is like the God of the Calvinists; bestowing salvation according to its own mysterious criteria and not as a reward for good works alone. This is one of the best posts ever, anywhere! Back To The OP So a guy who already thinks badly of Nice Guys finds some stuff to confirm it and then makes broad generalizations and publishes a book? Yawn. ---
**Author:** ![lisiate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f05b48/32.png) [@lisiate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisiate)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2013, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-nicer-the-guy-the-darker-the-sexual-secrets/650866/87 "2013-02-20T21:32:27Z")
Indeed, perhaps **Slithy Tove** ought to write a treatise on Calvanistic Pussy to console all the Nice Guys out there. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2013, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-nicer-the-guy-the-darker-the-sexual-secrets/650866/88 "2013-02-20T21:36:54Z")
> [@FrankJBN](#): > > …If I do everything right, then I will have a smooth, problem-free life." Again, only someone mentally disturbed believes that such a thing as a problem free life exists. > > As I reject the bases of his premise, I must in turn reject his conclusions. The author would agree that those “covert contracts” are actually inaccurate. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2013, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-nicer-the-guy-the-darker-the-sexual-secrets/650866/89 "2013-02-20T21:52:27Z")
Besides the two other books/materials I mentioned: “No More Christian Nice Guy: When Being Nice - Instead of Good - Hurts Men, Women And Children” > **[No More Christian Nice Guy: When Being Nice—Instead of Good—Hurts Men, Women and...](https://www.amazon.com/More-Christian-Nice-Guy-Nice-Instead/dp/0764200925)** > > No More Christian Nice Guy: When Being Nice—Instead of Good—Hurts Men, Women and Children \[Coughlin, Paul\] on Amazon.com. \*FREE\* shipping on qualifying offers. No More Christian Nice Guy: When Being Nice—Instead of Good—Hurts Men, Women and Children “Overcoming the Nice Guy Syndrome: How to Stop Being Shy Without Becoming A Jerk” > **[howtosucceedwithwomen.com](http://ww12.howtosucceedwithwomen.com/tapes/shyguy.html?usid=27&utid=12189026218)** There’s also “Without Embarrassment” - it talks about “toxic shame” - e.g. feeling too ashamed/embarrassed to flirt with a girl, etc. I felt like that. No More Mr Nice Guy also mentions toxic shame: > [@](#): > > …Because of their toxic shame, it is impossible for Nice Guys to grasp that people might like them and love them just for who they are. They believe they are bad (the “I’m So Good” Nice Guy is unconscious of this core belief, but it is a core belief nonetheless), therefore they assume that if anyone really got to know them, these people would discover the same thing… ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2013, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-nicer-the-guy-the-darker-the-sexual-secrets/650866/90 "2013-02-20T22:00:26Z")
> [@DocCathode](#): > > …So a guy who already thinks badly of Nice Guys finds some stuff to confirm it and then makes broad generalizations and publishes a book? Yawn. Like I just mentioned I’m aware of a few books/materials that say similar things. Also his messageboard has 430,000+ posts, he runs lots of workshops, he trains coaches/therapists… also it isn’t just about saying how bad it is… the full title is “A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want In Love, Sex and Life”. > **[No More Mr. Nice Guy | A Plan for Love, Sex, Dating & Career](https://www.drglover.com/no-more-mr-nice-guy.html)** > > Information regarding the Nice Guy Syndrome and Dr. Robert Glover's proven plan for breaking through and getting the love, sex and career you want. > [@](#): > > One of my favorite mantras is “What one man can do, another man can do.” I sincerely believe it. If one man can confront and overcome his Nice Guy issues and get what he wants in love, sex, and life, so can you. > > I know the way. Through trial and error, I have found a more accurate road map. I’ve shared it with thousands of recovering Nice Guys, and I’ll share it with you. > > Since beginning my own recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome, I have worked with thousands of Nice Guys. I have led up to five No More Mr. Nice Guy groups a week, lead seminars and workshops all over the world, taught online classes, and wrote the book, No More Mr. Nice Guy (Running Press, 2003). Also he gives dating advice: > **[Dating Essentials for Men](https://www.drglover.com/dating-essentials-for-men.html)** ---
**Author:** ![Weeping\_Wyvern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/858c86/32.png) [@Weeping\_Wyvern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weeping_Wyvern)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2013, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-nicer-the-guy-the-darker-the-sexual-secrets/650866/91 "2013-02-20T23:55:13Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > If you are hanging out with a woman you’d like to bone and she is not into you, do your self-esteem a favor and get out of there. Tell her, if possible, before you go. And then find someone else. Why should we no longer be allowed to enjoy each other’s company just because she doesn’t want to be my paramour? That’s an awfully cruel way of looking at the world. Sure, being with her may be slightly awkward since I wish she would like me, but I don’t see what it has to do with my “self-esteem”. She hasn’t done anything wrong by rejecting me, so I have no reason to punish her. ---
**Author:** ![epbrown01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ba0ec/32.png) [@epbrown01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/epbrown01)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2013, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-nicer-the-guy-the-darker-the-sexual-secrets/650866/92 "2013-02-21T00:21:25Z")
> [@Weeping\_Wyvern](#): > > Why should we no longer be allowed to enjoy each other’s company just because she doesn’t want to be my paramour? That’s an awfully cruel way of looking at the world. Sure, being with her may be slightly awkward since I wish she would like me, but I don’t see what it has to do with my “self-esteem”. She hasn’t done anything wrong by rejecting me, so I have no reason to punish her. If you think depriving a woman of your mere presence is punishment, your self-esteem isn’t as low as you think. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2013, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-nicer-the-guy-the-darker-the-sexual-secrets/650866/93 "2013-02-21T00:34:20Z")
> [@lisiate](#): > > Indeed, perhaps **Slithy Tove** ought to write a treatise on Calvanistic Pussy to console all the Nice Guys out there. Well, you see I already wrote that women’s self-help treatise titled Galvanized Pussy, so one with Calvinism in the title would confuse the readership or, worse: mislead them that Bill Watterson had come out of retirement; and weirdly. And anyway, social junk science is a mug’s game. Nobody wants to read a book when they can just pop a pill. The real money is in coming up with a pharmaceutical that cures each newly-excoriated personality trait. ---
**Author:** ![Weeping\_Wyvern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/858c86/32.png) [@Weeping\_Wyvern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weeping_Wyvern)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2013, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-nicer-the-guy-the-darker-the-sexual-secrets/650866/94 "2013-02-21T00:36:16Z")
> [@epbrown01](#): > > If you think depriving a woman of your mere presence is punishment, your self-esteem isn’t as low as you think. I’m talking about the specific case of women who are friends with me, not women in general. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2013, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-nicer-the-guy-the-darker-the-sexual-secrets/650866/95 "2013-02-21T00:36:21Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > And why is pedophilia now the only “dark” secret? Maybe the nice guys just want to tie you up? Or get spanked? Or want to pee on you? Or wants to pretend she’s his sister? Or maybe have a necro sex? Or just wants to watch you masturbate? > > Things that aren’t illegal but not “normal”. No, now I’m into something…darker… ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2013, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-nicer-the-guy-the-darker-the-sexual-secrets/650866/96 "2013-02-21T00:41:58Z")
I’m a super nice guy with deep dark sexual secrets. But my boyfriend is even nicer than me. Should I be worried??? ---
**Author:** ![lisiate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f05b48/32.png) [@lisiate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisiate)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2013, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-nicer-the-guy-the-darker-the-sexual-secrets/650866/97 "2013-02-21T04:43:06Z")
> [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > Well, you see I already wrote that women’s self-help treatise titled Galvanized Pussy, so one with Calvinism in the title would confuse the readership or, worse: mislead them that Bill Watterson had come out of retirement; and weirdly. > > And anyway, social junk science is a mug’s game. Nobody wants to read a book when they can just pop a pill. The real money is in coming up with a pharmaceutical that cures each newly-excoriated personality trait. Bah, but stringing half-baked cliches and solipsisms into a book has to be a lot easier than actual research and testing. Unless of course you jump onto the homeopathy bandwagon… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-nicer-the-guy-the-darker-the-sexual-secrets/650866.md?page=4)