# The Night Before Christmas (from a woman's point of view) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 24, 2000, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-night-before-christmas-from-a-womans-point-of-view/47048 "2000-12-24T02:12:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2000, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-night-before-christmas-from-a-womans-point-of-view/47048/1 "2000-12-24T02:12:57Z")
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen; I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin. I’ve been here for hours, I can’t stop to rest. This room’s a disaster, just look at this mess! Tomorrow I’ve got thirty people to feed. They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need! My feet are both blistered, I’ve got cramps in my legs. The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs. There’s a knock at the door and the telephone’s ringing; frosting drips on the counter as the microwave’s dinging. Two pies in the oven, dessert’s almost done; my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs. I’ve had alI I can stand, I can’t take anymore; Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor. He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady; then grins as he chuckles “The egg nog is ready!” He looks all around and with total regret, says, “What’s taking so long… aren’t you through in here yet?” As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life! He flees from the room in terror and pain and screams, “MY GOD WOMAN, YOU’RE GOING INSANE!!” Now what was I doing, and what is that smell? Oh darn it’s the pies! They’re burned all to hell! I hate to admit when I make a mistake, but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE. What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead? If this is good living, I’d rather be dead. Lord, don’t get me wrong, I love holidays; It just leaves me exhausted, all shakey and dazed. But I promise you one thing, If I live 'til next year, You won’t find me pulling my hair out in here. I’ll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter; and if that doesn’t work, I’LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED! ---
**Author:** ![Harris](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c37758/32.png) [@Harris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harris)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2000, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-night-before-christmas-from-a-womans-point-of-view/47048/2 "2000-12-24T02:20:42Z")
😃 😃 😃 I like it. ---
**Author:** ![Mahaloth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mahaloth/32/1079_2.png) [@Mahaloth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahaloth)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2000, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-night-before-christmas-from-a-womans-point-of-view/47048/3 "2000-12-24T02:23:11Z")
Just remember, clean up the day after Christmas like you’re supposed do. :o Hey, don’t call me a macho-pig. At least you get to wait until the 26th to clean. (ducks to dogdge the knives being thrown at him from kitchen) ---
**Author:** ![Erika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/47e85d/32.png) [@Erika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Erika)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2000, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-night-before-christmas-from-a-womans-point-of-view/47048/4 "2000-12-24T02:25:02Z")
::aplauds:: I like it! {{{Ayesha}}} ::smacks Mahaloth:: ---
**Author:** ![Kricket](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f14d63/32.png) [@Kricket](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kricket)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2000, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-night-before-christmas-from-a-womans-point-of-view/47048/5 "2000-12-24T02:33:04Z")
Printing it and stapling it to my husbands forehead as I type. Then I am going to hand it out on christmas eve. You are a Goddess! ---
**Author:** ![Lissa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lissa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissa)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2000, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-night-before-christmas-from-a-womans-point-of-view/47048/6 "2000-12-24T02:35:33Z")
Did you write that? It’s great! You will be getting a bill in 5 to 10 working days from my computer guru who will have to clean the Pepsi that spewed from my nose out of the keyboard and CPU. ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2000, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-night-before-christmas-from-a-womans-point-of-view/47048/7 "2000-12-24T04:07:10Z")
Ayesha, that was wonderful. And people wonder why I don’t have company more often 😉 Robin ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Griffin-Kentzel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_griffin-kentzel/32/14787_2.png) [@Larry\_Griffin-Kentzel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Griffin-Kentzel)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2000, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-night-before-christmas-from-a-womans-point-of-view/47048/8 "2000-12-24T04:35:18Z")
Brava, **Ayesha**! ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2000, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-night-before-christmas-from-a-womans-point-of-view/47048/9 "2000-12-24T04:54:32Z")
I can’t take credit for writing this, it was sent to me via e-mail by a friend. Who got it from a friend who got it from a friend and so on and so on. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Griffin-Kentzel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_griffin-kentzel/32/14787_2.png) [@Larry\_Griffin-Kentzel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Griffin-Kentzel)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2000, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-night-before-christmas-from-a-womans-point-of-view/47048/10 "2000-12-24T05:10:35Z")
Well, Brava for posting it, **Ayesha**! * * * [_Seasons Greetings_](http://home.nyc.rr.com/gaycouple/xmas.html) “I don’t want realism. I want magic!” - Blanche DuBois ---
**Author:** ![wyldelf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/4491bb/32.png) [@wyldelf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wyldelf)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2000, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-night-before-christmas-from-a-womans-point-of-view/47048/11 "2000-12-24T07:35:41Z")
Excellent Ayesha!!! I am studiously avoiding feeling like that this year and have had our Christmas party already so we can all just mellow out on Christmas day. I got bored at work on Friday and quickly penned a Christmas poem of my own to invite some friends to our Christmas lunch/dinner. Nowhere near the same league as the one you posted but _shrugs_ summed up my feelings. It was just days before Christmas And all through the streets Were bright decorations (Had been for weeks). They sparkled and glimmered In the hot summer’s sun, As huge crowds of people Scurried past at a run. Christmas shopping was on And the bargains were rife, You could cut through the tension With a sharp carving knife. Shoppers jostled and nudged To get to the rack, That held the special toy For their kid’s Santa Sack. What’s going on And when would it stop? This rabid rat race It’s over the top. Why is it this occurs Most every year? Whatever happened to The ol’ Christmas cheer? I am sick of the nonsense The rotten spoilt brats, Sick of the noise And damn Santa hats. So this year I’ve decided To give it a miss And celebrate Christmas With a bottle of piss. A bottle of piss I’ll share with my friends And we’ll sit and drink Until Christmas ends. A nice cold buffet And some backyard cricket. A swim and B-B-Q Sounds just the ticket. Christmas this year will be Non-stress and all fun. Who gives a rat’s arse If the chook’s only half done? We’ll eat and we’ll drink And definitely be merry, Who knows we may even Break out the sherry. So I invite you, my friends To spend Christmas with me. No decorations, uh huh Not even a tree. Just warmth, friendship And a place to just “be”, A couple of friends Plus you and me. ---
**Author:** ![MikeG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mikeg/32/4329_2.png) [@MikeG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MikeG)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2000, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-night-before-christmas-from-a-womans-point-of-view/47048/12 "2000-12-24T16:22:54Z")
Now my Aussie slang is sadly lacking but I really hope “piss” is some kinda beer lingo! Now we all know Fosters _is_ actual piss, but perhaps you were referring to CastlemaineXXX? ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2000, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-night-before-christmas-from-a-womans-point-of-view/47048/13 "2000-12-24T16:34:48Z")
Deck the halls with advertising, falalalala lalalala. What’s the use in compromising, falalalala lalalala. Up the billboards, quit your griping, falala lalala lalala, Get those credit cards a swiping, falalalala lalalala. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2000, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-night-before-christmas-from-a-womans-point-of-view/47048/14 "2000-12-24T16:51:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by MikeG \* > \*\*Now my Aussie slang is sadly lacking but I really hope “piss” is some kinda beer lingo! > Now we all know Fosters _is_ actual piss, but perhaps you were referring to CastlemaineXXX? \*\* IIRC, yes, piss is slang. And getting pissed is getting drunk. Am I right **wyldelf**? And I _like_ Fosters! I just recently watched Monty Python live at the Hollywood Bowl, and as Eric Idle said, “American beer is like making love in a canoe.” Neil Innes: “Making love in a canoe?” Idle: “It’s fucking close to water!” As for the OP, shouldn’t all you female posters be getting ready to fix some dinner instead of playing on the computer right now? 😃 ::hauls ass before he is mobbed and beaten mercilessly:: ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2000, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-night-before-christmas-from-a-womans-point-of-view/47048/15 "2000-12-24T17:39:48Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by Crunchy Frog \* \*\* > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by MikeG \* > \*\* > > As for the OP, shouldn’t all you female posters be getting ready to fix some dinner instead of playing on the computer right now? 😃 > > ::hauls ass before he is mobbed and beaten mercilessly:: > > \*\* ::sneaking up behind Crunchy Frog with a rolling pin:: \*\* WHAAAP \*\* Too fricking late buddy ! Ladies, grab your weapons, let us teach Crunchy what a Blue Christmas is really all about. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2000, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-night-before-christmas-from-a-womans-point-of-view/47048/16 "2000-12-24T17:45:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ayesha \* > \*\*::sneaking up behind Crunchy Frog with a rolling pin:: \*\* Shouldn’t you be using that rolling pin to make some cookies for me or something? **WHAAP** No! I’m kidding! It’s was a joke! **WHAAP WHAAP WHAAP** ---
**Author:** ![wyldelf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/4491bb/32.png) [@wyldelf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wyldelf)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2000, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-night-before-christmas-from-a-womans-point-of-view/47048/17 "2000-12-25T00:45:56Z")
::Grabs Cheesegrater and a potato peeler and prepares to do some real damage to Crunchy Frog:: And yes - Piss is definately Aussie for Alcohol. Actually we imbided in the bourbon, schnapps, baileys, red wine, champagne and vodka rather than the beer. And I was doubly lucky this year - one of my male friends did all the cooking for our christmas dinner. MMMMMM he is so wonderful. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE. 😃 😃 ---
**Author:** ![wyldelf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/4491bb/32.png) [@wyldelf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wyldelf)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2000, 7:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-night-before-christmas-from-a-womans-point-of-view/47048/18 "2000-12-25T07:00:56Z")
Here Crunchy… Here Crunchy… ::Now this is what stalking is really about:: Here Crunchy Crunchy Crunchy. Come and play with the nice kitchen utensils…