# The Ninja Hypothesis **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 18, 2000, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ninja-hypothesis/25932 "2000-07-18T02:54:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![SwimmingRiddles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/43a26b/32.png) [@SwimmingRiddles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SwimmingRiddles)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2000, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ninja-hypothesis/25932/21 "2000-07-19T13:29:34Z")
Viva Las Vegas: Ninjas steal the spunky Ann Margaret, and Elvis has to hypnotize them with his hips in order to get her back. And there are race cars in there somewhere. ---
**Author:** ![Joe\_Cool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ecb155/32.png) [@Joe\_Cool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joe_Cool)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2000, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ninja-hypothesis/25932/22 "2000-07-19T17:11:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by APB9999 \* > \*\*I’m working on a script. > > **The Banana Warrior** > Tom Jones plays a simple country blacksmith whose teacher is killed by an evil gang. He leaves his beloved anvil to take up the ancient art of ninjana, the japanese art of stealth and murder by banana peel, and goes on to wreak revenge on his enemies. Angelina Jolie as the love interest. > > \*\* HAHAHA I love it! No theory is complete without a practical application! Just in case anybody doubts my theory, I offer proof: **Anvils** : Warner Brothers Cartoons. Enough said. But I saw a movie (I don’t remember which one, damn damn damn) where some guys were being chased by the cops, and so they steal a van to get away. As the van drives off, you can see the logo on the side: it’s from an Anvil company. Laughed my ass off) **Tom Jones** : Mars Attacks! **Banana peel** : TRansylvania 6-5000 (funny as hell, even without the banana peel scene). Also, Vaudville **Ninjas** : Almost any movie that has ninjas, but in particular, 80s comedies 9 1/2 Ninjas (a ninja spoof of 9 1/2 Weeks-Even the title is funny) and Ninja Academy (a mime, british spy ala james bond, nerdy girl, survival nut, really hot chick, and dorky-guy-who-eventually-earns-respect-and-gets-the-girl all go to school to learn how to be Ninjas) ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2000, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ninja-hypothesis/25932/23 "2000-07-19T21:44:59Z")
_My Dinner with Andre._ Exactly the same, except the waiters are ninjas. _Innerspace._ Dennis Quaid looks out the window of his capsule and sees that Martin Short’s bloodstream is full of microscopic ninjas. _Chicken Run._ Story is pretty much the same, except that to make the coop/prison scarier, every now and then a ninja runs across the background. _Altered States._ William Hurt goes into the isolation chamber a normal man. He comes out a ninja. _Gone with the Wind._ “Lawdie, Miss Scarlett, I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout fightin’ no ninjas!” _Them!_ Nuclear waste creates 100-foot ninjas. _2001: A Space Odyssey._ Several opportunities here. First: Ape-man gets beat up by rival tribe. Wanders dejectedly. Plays with animal skin made black by soot from fire. Discovers eye holes and puts it on face. Goes back to rival tribe and kicks some serious ass. Shrieks in triumph, throws mask into air, where it transforms into an orbiting Hollywood Video. …Second: Moonbase excavation discovers grave of Sho Kosugi. …Third: At end, Star Child’s face is seen with Earth. Pan back beyond the moon, and on the dark side is a Ninja Child. Oh, and yes, ninjas would make _Battlefield Earth_ better. Here’s how: Movie starts. Three seconds later, you hear a chorus of “HIKEEBA!” and meaty slashing sounds. Then the decapitated heads of the producers, the director, the screenwriters, and L. Ron Hubbard bounce into view. Beat. Fade to black. …And the crowd goes wild. ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2000, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ninja-hypothesis/25932/24 "2000-07-20T01:00:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Cervaise \* > Oh, and yes, ninjas would make _Battlefield Earth_ better. Here’s how: > > Movie starts. Three seconds later, you hear a chorus of “HIKEEBA!” and meaty slashing sounds. Then the decapitated heads of the producers, the director, the screenwriters, and L. Ron Hubbard bounce into view. Beat. Fade to black. …And the crowd goes wild. Oh no! _I_ wanted to do that part. The ninjas wouldn’t make them suffer enough–they should just busy themselves with stealing every copy of the film and destroying them all in creative ways. ---
**Author:** ![wacky\_ninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/58956e/32.png) [@wacky\_ninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wacky_ninja)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2000, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ninja-hypothesis/25932/25 "2000-07-20T13:29:24Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by Balance \* \*\* > [@](#): > > _I_ wanted to do that part. The ninjas wouldn’t make them suffer enough–they should just busy themselves with stealing every copy of the film and destroying them all in creative ways. \*\* OK Balance, you can dress up like a ninja and help them make heads roll. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2000, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ninja-hypothesis/25932/26 "2000-07-20T13:44:10Z")
OK, got my tabis, hood, kitana, stars, grappling hook, and my indispensable _1001 Ways to Torture an Entire Cast & Crew_ manual. Let’s go, **wacky**! ---
**Author:** ![wacky\_ninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/58956e/32.png) [@wacky\_ninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wacky_ninja)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2000, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ninja-hypothesis/25932/27 "2000-07-20T13:47:57Z")
WHOO HOO! Remember, quietly, they can’t know we are coming. We are ninjas. Quiet but deadly. Oh And intolerant of bad movies. \ ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2000, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ninja-hypothesis/25932/28 "2000-07-20T13:58:39Z")
\ Hollywood’s had this coming for a looong time. Make bad movies about us, will they? \ At last, we will have our revenge. ---
**Author:** ![wacky\_ninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/58956e/32.png) [@wacky\_ninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wacky_ninja)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2000, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ninja-hypothesis/25932/29 "2000-07-20T14:17:45Z")
MUAHahahahahahahahaha! \ ---
**Author:** ![APB9999](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e8cbc/32.png) [@APB9999](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/APB9999)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2000, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ninja-hypothesis/25932/30 "2000-07-20T20:13:57Z")
Rick: HAAAAIIIIIIIIII!!! Louis: Shogun Strasse has been disemboweled! Round up the usual suspects. Rick: Ilsa, you’re getting on that plane. It doesn’t take a genius to see that the problems of two little people don’t amont to a mound of tofu in this crazy world. But Victor-san needs you. We’ll always have Tokyo. Ilsa: Oh Rick, Rick! I don’t understand. Why don’t your lips match your words? Uh, I mean… I can’t leave you again! Rick: Hai! You go now! (bows) (Ilsa, seeing it’s no use arguing, bows and boards the plane. Plane takes off and is immediately destroyed by Mothra) Louis: I am student, you are sensai now. We fight evil gaijin Stormninjas. Rick: (Grunt.) I accept your loyalty. This is the beginning of beautiful socially stratified relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Lux\_Fiat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bc79bd/32.png) [@Lux\_Fiat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lux_Fiat)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2000, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ninja-hypothesis/25932/31 "2000-07-21T00:52:03Z")
[Requisite Onion article.](http://www.theonion.com/onion3535/disgruntled_ninja.html) How about _Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolfe?_ Can you see Richard Burton sneaking into the living room while Elizabeth Taylor mocks him for never being appointed master of his dojo, raising his dai-katana over his head while George Segal looks on in horror, and then flipping it into a paper umbrella or something? How much sake can one couple drink? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ninja-hypothesis/25932.md?page=1)