# The Offensive Joke Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 2, 2010, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883 "2010-08-02T13:35:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/21 "2010-08-02T19:00:26Z")
Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already in the US. ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/22 "2010-08-02T19:00:37Z")
> [@A Monkey With a Gun](#): > > What do all battered women have in common? Hehehe… What’s the best thing about fucking twenty one year olds? There’s 20 of them. ---
**Author:** ![AnalogSignal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/analogsignal/32/1085_2.png) [@AnalogSignal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnalogSignal)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/23 "2010-08-02T19:01:13Z")
Three black guys walk into a bar and order white wine … Oh wait, wrong thread! ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/24 "2010-08-02T19:02:34Z")
What’s with all the spoilering? If someone is opening this thread I think they should expect to see offensive jokes. OK, I have one. A man’s wife has gone into a coma. One of the nurses tasked with giving her sponge-baths notices that when she washes the woman’s private parts, there is a slight response on the monitoring machines. She calls the woman’s husband and tells him she has this crazy idea that oral sex may just be the solution for waking her up. He’s skeptical but agrees to it. The nurse shows the man into the woman’s room, closes the curtains for privacy, and sits outside to wait. Suddenly, the man bursts out of the room in a panic and tells the nurse that his wife has just flatlined! “Oh my God, what happened?” says the nurse. “I think she choked.” ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/25 "2010-08-02T19:03:58Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > What’s with all the spoilering? If someone is opening this thread I think they should expect to see offensive jokes. Defense Exhibit A: Chefguy I think it’s because then people actually have to make effort to read the punchlines so when they get all butt-hurt about how racist and sexist and anti-baby and pro-woman beatin’ we all are, we can laugh and call them tards. Plus it gives you a second pause to consider the punchline before getting to it. I don’t mind spoilers for one-liners but don’t like them much for jokes like yours; they ruin the flow. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/26 "2010-08-02T19:13:46Z")
> [@Silver\_Fire](#): > > Plus it gives you a second pause to consider the punchline before getting to it. I don’t mind spoilers for one-liners but don’t like them much for jokes like yours; they ruin the flow. Even in threads with clean, non-offensive jokes people do this. And I think you’ve stated the exact reason for it. I don’t want to accidentally read the punchline before I read the joke. You’d do the same thing if your name was Morfoffrrboord. Oh yeah – why did Helen Keller’s dog run out into traffic? ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/27 "2010-08-02T19:29:18Z")
> [@A Monkey With a Gun](#): > > What do all battered women have in common? What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You already told her twice. ---
**Author:** ![GHO57](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/df788c/32.png) [@GHO57](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GHO57)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/28 "2010-08-02T19:30:58Z")
Here’s a classic. What is 18 inches long, has a purple head and can make a woman scream all night? crib death ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/29 "2010-08-02T19:33:36Z")
How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a light bulb? You don’t know, 'cause you weren’t _there_, man! ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/30 "2010-08-02T19:38:40Z")
What’s yellow and goes “cheep, cheep”? a chinese prostitute ---
**Author:** ![ministryman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f6c823/32.png) [@ministryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ministryman)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/31 "2010-08-02T19:46:56Z")
> [@AnalogSignal](#): > > Three black guys walk into a bar and order white wine … Oh wait, wrong thread! lol… So the bartender looks at them and says… What is this, some kind of joke? ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/32 "2010-08-02T19:56:33Z")
So a fellow and his wife gi out in the desert looking for rare stones. Their buddy who’s been out there a few times gives the wife a call and says: “Hey, if you’re picking up larger rocks, be really careful, because I’ve seen rattlesnakes out there.” She and her husband both concur. As the day goes on, the fellow spots what looks to be the nicest piece of rose quartz he’s ever seen. So he crouches down to pick it up, and from underneath the stone come a big old rattlesnake, who proceeds to bite the fellow right on the tallywhacker. The wife immediately whips out her cell phone and calls their more experienced friend. She anxiously tells him the situation and asks him what to do. “Well,” the friend says, “you need to make an incision across the bite marks and suck the venom out.” “What will happen if I don’t?” asks the wife. “Well, then, your husband’s going to die.” So, she hangs up her cell phone and turns to her husband, still laying there in shock. “Well?” he chokes, “What did he say?” Replies the wife: “He says you’re going to die.” ---
**Author:** ![whole\_bean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/96bed5/32.png) [@whole\_bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whole_bean)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/33 "2010-08-02T20:04:02Z")
> [@A Monkey With a Gun](#): > > What do all battered women have in common? > > They don’t fucking listen Send them to the Tempura Women’s Shelter, but only if they’re _lightly_ battered. ---
**Author:** ![JoseB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/joseb/32/1530_2.png) [@JoseB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoseB)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/34 "2010-08-02T20:05:43Z")
“Mommy, mommy! I’m sick and tired of walking in ci-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ircles…!” “SHUT THE FUCK UP, or I’ll nail your other foot down!!!” ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/35 "2010-08-02T20:13:31Z")
What do you call a Mexican crossed with an octopus? I don’t know either, but _damn_ that thing can pick lettuce ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/36 "2010-08-02T20:17:25Z")
So Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the front desk, and says, “Can you put me up for the night?” ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/37 "2010-08-02T20:20:24Z")
Hey, I know when I’m outnumbered. But it’s not like I dissed ketchup or anything. ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/38 "2010-08-02T20:24:48Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > So Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the front desk, and says, “Can you put me up for the night?” :eek: Bwahahaha! ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/39 "2010-08-02T20:30:32Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > Hey, I know when I’m outnumbered. But it’s not like I dissed ketchup or anything. Three tomatoes are walking down the street. One tomato falls behind. The pair of tomatoes in front say… [link](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPcqgJBjmos) ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2010, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/40 "2010-08-02T20:33:57Z")
Hey, what do you get if you cross a soccer player and a mythical creature? A centaur forward. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883.md?page=3)