# The Offensive Joke Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 2, 2010, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883 "2010-08-02T13:35:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 7:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/61 "2010-08-03T07:00:36Z")
> [@Khaki\_Campbell](#): > > So, at noon, this very hungry guy is on the prowl for a good meal. Unfortunately, all the restaurants seem full. He enters into a small Italian mom-and-pop, where he sees a free chair in front of a man reading his journal. On the table is a plate full of fuming spaghettis with parmesan. > > He sits down, but no waiter comes. ‘Dammit, this guy is so absorbed reading his journal that he doesn’t see his plate ! Well, too bad for him…’ he thinks, as he starts devouring the spaghettis. He heartily eats and eats, he has soon finished, and suddenly he sees a comb lying in the bottom of the plate. That comb is full of hairs, lice, crabs, dandruff, etc. So he can’t hold it, he pukes all the contents of his stomach in front of him, i.e. in the plate. > > Then, the man in front of him lowers his paper, nods sadly and says : > > ‘Yeah, the comb.’ I don’t understand the punchline. ---
**Author:** ![GHO57](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/df788c/32.png) [@GHO57](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GHO57)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/62 "2010-08-03T07:18:01Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > I don’t understand the punchline. For reals? Like adult real? The other guy already had eaten the food and found the comb… and had the exact same reaction. ---
**Author:** ![Agnostic\_Pagan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c4cdca/32.png) [@Agnostic\_Pagan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agnostic_Pagan)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 7:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/63 "2010-08-03T07:59:52Z")
I am already going to hell for other reasons, so I might as well post in here… but for the record i do not endorse any of these… Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares? What was she doing out of the kitchen. How do you piss off your SO during sex? Call them on the phone - (or these days, send them a video email) First heard during the first Gulf War - why do Arabs wear robes? Because camels can hear a zipper a mile away. Turned that one around though - why do farmers where Levi’s 501 jeans? Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away also. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/64 "2010-08-03T12:55:17Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > [@Khaki\_Campbell](#): > > > > So, at noon, this very hungry guy is on the prowl for a good meal. Unfortunately, all the restaurants seem full. He enters into a small Italian mom-and-pop, where he sees a free chair in front of a man reading his journal. On the table is a plate full of fuming spaghettis with parmesan. > > > > He sits down, but no waiter comes. ‘Dammit, this guy is so absorbed reading his journal that he doesn’t see his plate ! Well, too bad for him…’ he thinks, as he starts devouring the spaghettis. He heartily eats and eats, he has soon finished, and suddenly he sees a comb lying in the bottom of the plate. That comb is full of hairs, lice, crabs, dandruff, etc. So he can’t hold it, he pukes all the contents of his stomach in front of him, i.e. in the plate. > > > > Then, the man in front of him lowers his paper, nods sadly and says : > > > > ‘Yeah, the comb.’ > > I don’t understand the punchline. If the guy saw [the comb] that was on the bottom of the plate… ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/65 "2010-08-03T13:33:59Z")
What does a black man wearing a suit say?“Not guilty, Your Honor.” Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/66 "2010-08-03T13:54:41Z")
> [@KennerTheGreat](#): > > What should a wife give a man to ensure a happy marriage? > > A hot daughter. _Groan_ ---
**Author:** ![pancakes3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ba9def/32.png) [@pancakes3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pancakes3)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/67 "2010-08-03T13:56:17Z")
what do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys? coach what do you call a white guy surrounded by 10 black guys? fucked what do you call a white guy surrounded by 500 black guys? warden ---
**Author:** ![ivan\_astikov](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@ivan\_astikov](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivan_astikov)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/68 "2010-08-03T14:02:03Z")
Q. When is the only time you can spit in a Persian woman’s face? A. When her mustache is on fire! ---
**Author:** ![ivan\_astikov](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@ivan\_astikov](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivan_astikov)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/69 "2010-08-03T15:34:12Z")
Q. What do you call a white guy surrounded by 25 Native Americans? A. Bartender. ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/70 "2010-08-03T15:40:39Z")
Why did Christ die on the cross? He forgot His safe word. ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/71 "2010-08-03T15:44:44Z")
What has 5000 legs and can’t walk? Jerry’s kids. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/72 "2010-08-03T15:53:45Z")
A minister goes to a religion conference. Checking into his hotel, he asks, "Is the pornography in my room disabled?’ “No, its just the regular kind, ya sick fuck”. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/73 "2010-08-03T15:56:02Z")
That’s the best one yet. ---
**Author:** ![ivan\_astikov](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@ivan\_astikov](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivan_astikov)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/74 "2010-08-03T16:00:40Z")
Q. What do you say if you come downstairs in the middle of the night and see your tv floating in mid air? A. Drop that tv, nigger. Q. What do you call 60,000 niggers on a plane heading back to Africa? A good start ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/75 "2010-08-03T16:29:41Z")
> [@Enderw24](#): > > Would you like me to tell some defensive jokes now? Brilliant. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/76 "2010-08-03T16:46:46Z")
I have posted these umpteen times but still… What’s blue and fucks old people? Hypothermia. What’s blue and fucks children? Me, in my lucky blue suit! What do you get if you stick a fork in a baby’s eye? An erection What’s the difference between a baby and an apple? You don’t cum all over an apple before you eat it. ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/77 "2010-08-03T16:58:30Z")
This guy is pacing, chain-smoking, downing cup after cup of black coffee, for what seems like hours in the Maternity Waiting Room. Every vein in his forehead is throbbing, his eyes are bloodshot, and he’s trembling something fierce. A kindly middle-aged nurse enters the room and gently calls his name. He almost faints from the sound of her voice. Guy: How’s my wife, my baby? Is everything all right? I’ve been waiting forever! Nurse: Calm down and relax, Mr. Whoozit. You have a healthy 6 pound 7 ounce baby girl with all 20 of her digits and she’s grinning big time to be on this planet with us. Guy: What about my wife? How’s she doing? Nurse: Just as fine as could be. She’s holding your daughter and cooing to her now. Guy (collapsing into the nearest chair): Oh, Thank God! I’ve been about to go crazy with all the waiting. Nurse: April Fool! They’re both dead. ---
**Author:** ![ivan\_astikov](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@ivan\_astikov](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivan_astikov)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/78 "2010-08-03T17:07:36Z")
If dead baby jokes don’t do it for you, you’re totally desensitised: Q: What’s the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup? A: A dead baby doesn’t harm the atmosphere when you burn it. Q: Why do you put a baby in the blender feet first ? A: To see the expression on its cute little face! Q: What’s more fun than strapping a baby to a washingline and then spinning it around at 200km/h? A: Stopping it with a shovel. Q: What do you do when there’s no time to rape a dead baby? A: There’s ALWAYS time to rape a dead baby. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/79 "2010-08-03T17:21:24Z")
Why did the Jews wander the desert for 40 years? Someone dropped a quarter. What’s the perfect woman? She’s 3 feet tall, has no teeth, and there’s a flat spot on her head where you can set your beer. ---
**Author:** ![tr0psn4j](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@tr0psn4j](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tr0psn4j)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883/80 "2010-08-03T17:41:52Z")
> [@](#): > > Q: What do you do when there’s no time to rape a dead baby? It’s my first time hearing/reading that one but I managed to guess the answer correctly. I’m a little proud of that. 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-offensive-joke-thread/548883.md?page=5)