# The Official SDMB Concession Stand **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 31, 2001, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057 "2001-08-31T02:15:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057/1 "2001-08-31T02:15:39Z")
It has come to my [attention](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=83744) that there are loads of cyber-money to be made here on this message board. But why should I limit myself to fleecing the throngs of sheep-porn fiends on the boards? I figure that there’s a broader market to be culled. So, have YOU been suffering from hunger and thirst while on the boards? All the discussions of Nazis and homosexuals and sex that goes on got you famished? Well, stop on by **Jester’s House o’ Eats!** We’ve got everything you need, from popcorn to malt liquor, and we’ve got it in Jester’s patented _X-treme Portions!!!_[sup]tm[/sup] Ever seen a cup of soda that was bigger than your torso? Tub of popcorn that can only be transported by forklift? Well, c’mon down to **Jester’s House o’ Eats** and you’ll see portions that would make Callista Flockhart explode just by looking at them! Here at **Jester’s House o’ Eats** , the only things bigger than our portions are our prices. But fear not! Loan officers are standing by, and will help you negotiate a payment plan that’ll have your hunger sated in no time! So get over here already, and never surf on an empty stomach again! **Jester’s House o’ Eats:** We put the “Con” in “Concesssion”! ---
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057/2 "2001-08-31T02:51:30Z")
Hm. Slow business night. Well, I now offer a new feature: The _Advice-Giving Bartender o’ Matic_! Pop in a quarter, pull up a stool and tell you what ails you! Problem-Solving advice in one post or guarunteed your money back!\* Oh, and Mods drink free. Gotta cater to the landlords. [sub]\*Not a guaruntee[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![katiekilldare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/838e76/32.png) [@katiekilldare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/katiekilldare)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057/3 "2001-08-31T02:58:58Z")
**Jester** , I tell you what… :: pulling up bar stool:: I would like something a kin to a “mind-eraser”. What have you got? Oooooh, we’ve got problems. Right here in River City! ---
**Author:** ![saepiroth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5ac83/32.png) [@saepiroth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saepiroth)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057/4 "2001-08-31T03:08:46Z")
[robot mentally reprogrammed voice] I-would-like-one-burger. would-you-like-my-morgage-now? but-jester-over-there-you-were-sprayed-by-flaming-napalm-when-my-flamethrower-exploded. shouldn’t-you-be-a-flaming-screaming-ash-heap-by-now? [/robot mentally reprogrammed voice] \ AIIGH! Run! He’s in with the neo-nazi oscar-mayer shocktroops! he supresses his competition with violence! don’t give him your patronage! \ beep! mind control reaffirming! \< **Saepiroth** collapse to the floor, where shock troops grab him and throw him into a white, unmarked van, which races off for parts unknown.\> [sub]to understand all that, read the second page of “Ewes Sluts”. it’s an epic![/sub] ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 10:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057/5 "2001-08-31T10:43:25Z")
Dear god, I need new glasses. I read the phrase as Jester’s House o’Cats and having XXX-treme portions. Just a cheeseburger and a cold showe…soda! I mean soda!!! [sub]Damn, I gotta find me a companion.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 10:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057/6 "2001-08-31T10:58:14Z")
Jester, I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a 64-gallon cup of Josta today. Hell, I’ll give you my fucking SOUL (on Tuesday) for Josta. Any amount of Josta. A teaspoon. A thimble. A single friggin’ molecule of Josta. PLEASE!!! ---
**Author:** ![Francesca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9fc348/32.png) [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 11:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057/7 "2001-08-31T11:43:50Z")
Can I have some peanuts? Salty peanuts. How big are the bags of peanuts? Because I don’t want none of your piddly-sized bags. I want a big-ass bag of salted peanuts. Oh yes. And a bucket of Dr Pepper to wash it down with please. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057/8 "2001-08-31T12:10:14Z")
Shopkeep! An egg creame please! ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057/9 "2001-08-31T12:58:21Z")
I’d kill for a chocolate donut and some coffee, please. Robin ---
**Author:** ![Pucette](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/278dde/32.png) [@Pucette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pucette)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057/10 "2001-08-31T13:06:35Z")
I’d love a heaping pile of nachos, and a banana milkshake, for later. ---
**Author:** ![Gravity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gravity/32/14322_2.png) [@Gravity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gravity)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057/11 "2001-08-31T13:06:45Z")
**SPOOFE** , what’s Josta? I would like a double thick malted, please. And some gravy fries. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057/12 "2001-08-31T13:28:52Z")
Gimmeee–ummm–[ul] [li]A flagon of mead, _and make dat mead Celtic, wit cream![/li] [li]Some haggis, extra entrails[/li] [li]Hi **Opal**! Wat’choo want?[/li] [li]Deep fried long pork[/li] [li]A nice cool glass o’ Kraut Juice.[/li] [li]10 poundsa Circus Peanuts[/li] [li]plain grits, double helping.[/li] [li]Some raw zucchini[/li] [li]A Bucket O’ Spam[sub]tm[/sub][/li] [li]Dat stuff from da drains[/li] [_]And a deep fried Yak. WIT BAR-B-CUE SAUCE, YA BUM! [/ul] ---
**Author:** ![caveman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/caveman/32/7242_2.png) [@caveman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/caveman)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057/13 "2001-08-31T13:32:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Francesca \* > \*\*Can I have some peanuts? Salty peanuts. How big are the bags of peanuts? Because I don’t want none of your piddly-sized bags. I want a big-ass bag of salted peanuts. Oh yes. And a bucket of Dr Pepper to wash it down with please. \*\* You were country when country wasn’t cool… I’ll take one of them 18" foot-longs…mustard and **ketchup** , please… ::runs for cover:: ---
**Author:** ![Skelji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b38774/32.png) [@Skelji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skelji)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057/14 "2001-08-31T13:57:23Z")
Let’s see what’s on the menu here at **J-Hoe**. (Aren’t acronyms fashionable nowadays?) I’ll have… Hmmm… Hey, quit shoving back there, ya bastid! OK Jester, gimme 2 dirty water dogs with onions and mustard. A giant salty pretzel, bigger than a sofa cushion. 3 Eskimo Pies A plate of Nachos dripping with gooey cheese An industrial size bag of Circus Peanuts Um…a shopping bag full of greasy fried onion rings… And a Diet Pepsi! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057/15 "2001-08-31T14:52:18Z")
Right. Now, about those orders. The plane with all the fixings just landed, so I’ll start unloading. **katiekilldare** , one of Jester’s Patented **Liquid Lobotomies** coming right up, heavy on the Ny-Quil. Is 84 ounces enough? Hey! Slow down there, you don’t want to dissolve all your brain cells at once, do you? Everyone just ignore **saepiroth**. He sucked down a Liquid Lobotomy too fast and he hasn’t been quite right since. **screech-owl** , the House o’ Cats is coming soon, down the street. As for XXX portions, well, I’m afraid I can’t help you there. [sub]psst…look in the back room. \[/sub] And here’s your cheesburger. I figure, why go quarter pound, or half pound, when you can have TEN pound? And I dipped the whole thing in grease, just for effect. Enjoy! **SPOOFE** , you came to the right place. Here’s a lil’ something that I’ve been saving for just somebody like you… \ Ahhhhhhhh, mid-nineties. Good vintage. **Francesca** , what do you mean “bag” of peanuts? You don’t think I’d limit myself to something that small, do you? We’re at **Jester’s House o’ Eats** here! Your flatbed full of peanuts is waiting out back. **spooje** , I’m not a shopkeep, I’m a food connesieur. But, since I’m also a nice guy, one egg creame the size of your head coming right up. **MsRobyn** , here ya go. Chocolate donuts are my specialty; I call this one the “gargantuan”. And one tub of coffee with that. As for the killing…well, if **saepiroth** comes in here again, you know what to do. **Pucette** , here’s your jumbo tub o’ nachos and one banana milkshake. But…I wouldn’t wait TOO long to drink that milkshake. Cuz if it melts…well, it IS kinda big…and we don’t want to flood any small towns, do we? **Gravity** , your lack of experience with the beauty of Josta makes me sad. Since you’ve obviously been deprived of one of the finer things in life, here comes the best durn double malt and gravy fries order I’ve ever made. Poor child. **Bosda** , you’ve finally given me an order worthy of my talents. Here we go: -One Celtic mead with cream, served in a nice big cauldron. -Haggis, nice n’ bloody. (What would **Scylla** think?) -I believe **Opal** can have a soda, on the house. -Hell, why not a whole deep-fried pig? Trust me, you’ll like it. -Freshly squeezed Kraut juice, comin right up. (Hold the Saur, eh? Sorry, bad joke) -I misread this next one. I’m afraid you now have 10 TONS of Circus Peanuts. What you do with them is your own damn business. -Double helping of grits, check. Though you might wanna eat these outside; the tables can’t hold em. -Raw zucchini, freshly picked by my personal zombi…err…helpers, out in the garden. -100 gallon Bucket o’ Spam, right here for ya. You might want to check the expiration date, though. -You’re in luck! I just cleaned the drains this morning. Enjoy! -One Yak, comin up. You’re lucky that I got my deep frier from the army. It can flash-fry a buffalo in 90 seconds. -Oh, and a tanker truck full of BBQ sauce. **caveman** , why are you running? Ketchup is the only way that it’s spelled around here. I refuse service to those who don’t speak of it correctly. One hot dog comin right up. And **Dire Wolf** , since you acronized my shop name, you get a %10 discount. (Note that the prices will _still_ probably put you out onto the street, but hey, you’ll be better off than all those OTHER poor saps, right?) Now, onto the orders… -2 artery cloggers, nice n’ dirty, with onions and mustard. -Why just a sofa cushion? I got you a pretzel the size of a SOFA. -3 Eskimo Pies the likes of which this world has never seen. -One plate of cheesy nachos, though the nacho-to-cheese ration might actually make it a plate of nachoey cheese. -You can have some of **Gravity’s** leftover Circus Peanuts. -Once again, you don’t aim high enough. I got you a shopping CART of greasy fried onion rings. -And a…\…Diet Pepsi. **Dire Wolf’s** post just reminded me, though: **Jester’s House o’ Eats** features a crack team of staff paramedics trained in heart attack treatment on duty all the time! So fear not, and eat all the grease you can hold! Phew! \ Next? ---
**Author:** ![clayton\_e](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c57346/32.png) [@clayton\_e](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clayton_e)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057/16 "2001-08-31T14:54:21Z")
Give me anything from the bar. ANYTHING! ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057/17 "2001-08-31T15:22:26Z")
> [@](#): > > _from **Jester** _Hell, why not a whole deep-fried pig? Trust me, you’ll like it. Long Pork is an ancient South Seas Delicacy. Unca Cecil did a article on it. Use yer search engine. I’ll give ya a hint…Soylent Green. :wally ---
**Author:** ![rundogrun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/5daacb/32.png) [@rundogrun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rundogrun)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057/18 "2001-08-31T15:25:57Z")
Ummm…I’d just like a cup of water. That’s free right? And could I get an extra cup with ice? Thanks…that’s it for now. Oh look…free samples… ---
**Author:** ![katiekilldare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/838e76/32.png) [@katiekilldare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/katiekilldare)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057/19 "2001-08-31T15:38:15Z")
I’ll have another. ---
**Author:** ![hardygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@hardygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hardygrrl)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057/20 "2001-08-31T16:00:56Z")
Can I get some funyuns and a diet coke? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-official-sdmb-concession-stand/79057.md?page=2)