# The Oldest Joke You Remember **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 15, 2008, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379 "2008-04-15T01:26:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Philster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/13edae/32.png) [@Philster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Philster)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2008, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/41 "2008-04-15T19:14:13Z")
I know first exact three jokes that were told to me and that registered in my small brain: Q. Why did the man bring a ladder to the baseball game? A. The Giants were playing! Q. Why did the man bring a ladder to church? A. It was a High Mass. Q. Why did the man throw butter out the window? A. He wanted to see the butter fly. When my son was just old enough to ‘get’ jokes, I told him the first and last ones from above. I don’t think anyone knows what a high mass is anymore. ---
**Author:** ![percussion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/43a26b/32.png) [@percussion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/percussion)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2008, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/42 "2008-04-15T20:06:10Z")
Dirty Joke Two white horses fell in the mud and three came out Had no idea why that was a joke… ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2008, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/43 "2008-04-15T20:10:39Z")
Though too long and funny to reproduce in full, the first one I remember (from about 1957) concerned a lion named Herman who ate up a family one by one (naughty, naughty Herman.) At the end the family is back. What happened? Herman burped. The second was about a person calling, saying “I am viper - I will come in one week” and so on until it gets to a few minutes. Then a person shows up and says “I am the viper, do you want your vindows vashed?” Is there a “that’s not funny” smiley around? ---
**Author:** ![An\_Gadai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@An\_Gadai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Gadai)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2008, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/44 "2008-04-15T20:36:06Z")
Two earliest ones I recall are: “I’ll tell you a joke, a bottle of coke.” “Spell hive without the e.” “h, i, v.” “Are you positive?” ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2008, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/45 "2008-04-15T21:29:13Z")
[QUOTE=grimpixie] The earliest jokes I can remember are “Mommy, mommy” jokes: Mommy, mommy, how far is it to America? Shut up and keep swimming! Mommy, mommy, I keep running in circles! Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor! [/QUOTE] I heard those as monster-oriented jokes, e.g., Mommy, mommy, what’s a werewolf? Shut up and comb your face! Mommy, mommy, what’s a vampire? Shut up and eat your soup before it clots. ---
**Author:** ![Faruiza](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecd19e/32.png) [@Faruiza](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Faruiza)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2008, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/46 "2008-04-15T23:02:00Z")
When I was two, (My mom has my delivery of it, dated, on a casette tape somewhere) my favorite joke was Groucho’s, “I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn’t have the patience! (patients)” Weird joke for a two year old…and I told it all. the. time. The other one I remember is not so much a joke, but a neat thing to memorize for the holidays. It came out of a book called “[The Lip smackin’, Joke Crackin’, Cookbook for Kids](http://www.biblio.com/details.php?dcx=147253181&aid=frg)” Which is a really bitchin’ kids book if you can get a hold of it. On with the show: May children who setsel all nug in beir theds Have hisions of pluger sums thance binder neds. Thank yew! Thank yew! I’ll be here all week, enjoy the buffet, and don’t forget to tip yer waitress! ---
**Author:** ![evangelinagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e495f1/32.png) [@evangelinagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/evangelinagirl)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2008, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/47 "2008-04-16T01:38:32Z")
Ok, sick humor of kids: A teacher called roll on the first day of school. She asked if she had missed anyone and a little girl in a pink dress raised her hand. “What is your name, dear?” “Happy Butt.” Shocked, the teacher sent the child to the principal. The principal smiled and said, “and what is your name?” “Happy Butt.” The principal frowned and said, “young lady, I seriously doubt your name is that. What is your last name?” The little girl cocked her head inquisitively. “Jenkins.” The principal looked in his book of registered students and said, “aaahhh. There you are…Jenkins. But your name isn’t what you told me it was. It is in fact, Gladys.” The little girl smiled. “Well, Happy Butt. Glad Ass. Same difference.” Yes, I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever heard. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2008, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/48 "2008-04-16T01:45:57Z")
Kindergarten…1969. “I bet I can make you speak Indian language.” “How?” “See?!” ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_fight\_the\_hypothetical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/59ef9b/32.png) [@Don\_t\_fight\_the\_hypothetical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_fight_the_hypothetical)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2008, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/49 "2008-04-16T02:13:08Z")
My dad had an old 45 that presented it this way: _“Be kind to your web-footed friends For a duck may be somebody’s brother. Be kind to the denizen of the swamp; He’s a dilly through and through. You may think that this is the end, But it isn’t 'cause there’s another chorus.”_ Further interest: [The book](http://cgi.ebay.com/George-Moorse-A-Duck-May-Be-Somebodys-Mother-OOP_W0QQitemZ8415464496QQcmdZViewItem) . ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2008, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/50 "2008-04-16T05:16:54Z")
I need some help remembering. You’ll have to be older than most to have a clue, unless the joke lasted a long time. I already mentioned the Little Moron. The joke had something to do with a medicine cabinet. There was another one with a pun (of sorts) on Washington. And one more had to do with putting a cough drop on a coffin, but that may have been a ghost story. Coming down with CRS, I reckon. ---
**Author:** ![ToeJam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dfb087/32.png) [@ToeJam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ToeJam)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2008, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/51 "2008-04-16T05:55:42Z")
[QUOTE=Voyager] The second was about a person calling, saying “I am viper - I will come in one week” and so on until it gets to a few minutes. Then a person shows up and says “I am the viper, do you want your vindows vashed?” Is there a “that’s not funny” smiley around? [/QUOTE] Hey I remember that one, and it was a great joke! You have to tell it like a horror story though and not a Joke. So its about a woman who freaks out hearing on the phone that a Viper is coming to get her each day, and she dreads it more and more, until at the very end you have him show up to vipe ze vindows! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![ToeJam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dfb087/32.png) [@ToeJam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ToeJam)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2008, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/52 "2008-04-16T05:59:27Z")
[QUOTE=Zeldar] And one more had to do with putting a cough drop on a coffin, but that may have been a ghost story. [/QUOTE] I remember it as a quick joke too, but here’s the story of that one that I found with a bit of Googling: \* A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… behind him. Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him … BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him … faster… faster… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping … clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… on the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything … but all he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin … and lo and behold the coffin stops!\* ---
**Author:** ![chowder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/977dab/32.png) [@chowder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chowder)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2008, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/53 "2008-04-16T06:43:20Z")
“Stop messing about with that, you’ll have someones eye out” King Harold, 1066 ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2008, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/54 "2008-04-16T11:38:08Z")
[QUOTE=RoOsh] I remember it as a quick joke too, but here’s the story of that one that I found with a bit of Googling: \* A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… behind him. Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him … BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him … faster… faster… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping … clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… on the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything … but all he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin … and lo and behold the coffin stops!\* [/QUOTE] Well told. That’s close enough to the foggy remnants in my brain to be how I must have heard it. If any variations, they’re minor. ---
**Author:** ![brewha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@brewha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brewha)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2008, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/55 "2008-04-16T12:46:34Z")
**TDN** I can’t believe I fell for that stupid joke. ::writes it down to tell it later:: ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2008, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/56 "2008-04-16T16:27:08Z")
[QUOTE=Zeldar] I need some help remembering. You’ll have to be older than most to have a clue, unless the joke lasted a long time. I already mentioned the Little Moron. The joke had something to do with a medicine cabinet. [/QUOTE] Why did the Little Moron tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills. That’s one of the earliest ones I remember as well. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2008, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/57 "2008-04-16T16:58:25Z")
[QUOTE=brewha] **TDN** I can’t believe I fell for that stupid joke. ::writes it down to tell it later:: [/QUOTE] Hey, 40 years after first hearing it, I still love it. Here’s on for you – read the following list of words, but say the word “trains” before each word. Say it aloud. Trains About Talk Fool This Made I How Look Now read it again, but say the word “trains” AFTER each word. Now read it again, but say the word “trains” before AND after each word. Now read this list from the bottom up. ---
**Author:** ![GuestIGuess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f6c823/32.png) [@GuestIGuess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuestIGuess)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2015, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/58 "2015-07-31T15:43:42Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > Though too long and funny to reproduce in full, the first one I remember (from about 1957) concerned a lion named Herman who ate up a family one by one (naughty, naughty Herman.) At the end the family is back. What happened? Herman burped. > > The second was about a person calling, saying “I am viper - I will come in one week” and so on until it gets to a few minutes. Then a person shows up and says “I am the viper, do you want your vindows vashed?” > > Is there a “that’s not funny” smiley around? Oh I have been looking for someone who remembers this joke. My mom used to tell me and I remember telling my kids but have since forgotten it. Can you please help me? ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2015, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/59 "2015-07-31T19:38:40Z")
I liked elephant jokes. Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out flaming ducks. ---
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2015, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/60 "2015-07-31T20:22:05Z")
Knock Knock Who’s there? Orange Orange who? Orange you going to open the door and let me in? I’ve always had a low opinion of knock knock jokes. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379.md?page=4)