# The Oldest Joke You Remember **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 15, 2008, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379 "2008-04-15T01:26:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Sangahyando](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f14d63/32.png) [@Sangahyando](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sangahyando)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2015, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/61 "2015-07-31T20:56:55Z")
Must be pretty near the first joke I ever heard – courtesy of my dad. “The shortest fairy tale in the world”. Once upon a zebra, there was a tsetse fly. And the tsetse fly bit the zebra. And the zebra said, “ow”. ---
**Author:** ![pudytat72](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@pudytat72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pudytat72)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2015, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/62 "2015-08-01T00:37:18Z")
What happens to an illegally parked frog? They get toad away. ---
**Author:** ![usedtobe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ec9cab/32.png) [@usedtobe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usedtobe)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2015, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/63 "2015-08-01T06:07:51Z")
Why did the moron throw the clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly. (yeah, the medicine chest one is rattling around somewhere I don’t want to look) ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2015, 10:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/64 "2015-08-01T10:35:28Z")
Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling? He wanted to go where no man had gone before. ---
**Author:** ![usedtobe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ec9cab/32.png) [@usedtobe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usedtobe)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2015, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/65 "2015-08-01T21:51:09Z")
Looked it up: Why did the moron tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? He didn’t want to disturb the sleeping pills. ---
**Author:** ![tapu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/49beb7/32.png) [@tapu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tapu)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2015, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/66 "2015-08-01T21:58:20Z")
Why does Santa Claus have a garden? So he can Ho Ho Ho! I must have been 4-5. ---
**Author:** ![campp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@campp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/campp)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2015, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/67 "2015-08-01T22:21:37Z")
How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? By the footprints in the pizza! ---
**Author:** ![P-man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/p-man/32/3606_2.png) [@P-man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/P-man)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2015, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/68 "2015-08-02T00:50:08Z")
> [@JKellyMap](#): > > Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling? > > He wanted to go where no man had gone before. What did Mr. Spock see when he looked in the toilet? The Captain’s log. ---
**Author:** ![excavating\_for\_a\_mind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e8c25b/32.png) [@excavating\_for\_a\_mind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/excavating_for_a_mind)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2015, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/69 "2015-08-02T02:12:50Z")
Q: What did the pig say when the Farmer grabbed him by the tail? A: That’s the end of me! ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2015, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/70 "2015-08-02T04:33:10Z")
> [@uncle\_squeegee](#): > > What’s the first joke/riddle/pun you remember learning? > For me it’s: > What’s big and red and eats rocks? > A big red rock eater. > Which came from a book called “The Big Red Rock Eater and Other Jokes.” I had that book out of the library so much, you should have seen the card in the pocket in the back. All me. First grade Catholic school (1966) joke: Why can’t Jesus eat M&Ms? They fall through the holes in His hands. ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2015, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/71 "2015-08-02T05:55:28Z")
The first jokes I remember are these classics: Why does a fireman wear red suspenders? To keep his pants up. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. > [@GuestIGuess](#): > > Oh I have been looking for someone who remembers this joke. My mom used to tell me and I remember telling my kids but have since forgotten it. Can you please help me? Here’s Tiny Tim’s version: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSdhFsm0NpU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSdhFsm0NpU) ---
**Author:** ![Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ac8455/32.png) [@Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Your_Great_Darsh_Face)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2015, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/72 "2015-08-02T18:09:01Z")
A Frenchwoman goes up to a taxi. The taxi driver says “Do you want a ride?” "_Oui, oui!"_ says the Frenchwoman. “Not in my car you don’t!” says the taxi driver. –circa 1963-4 when I was three or four. Which allowed me to learn my first word of French. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2015, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/73 "2015-08-02T18:39:20Z")
What time is it when a Chinaman goes to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie. (my apologies, for more than one reason) ---
**Author:** ![Ignatz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/3be4f8/32.png) [@Ignatz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ignatz)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2015, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/74 "2015-08-03T00:55:49Z")
Oh, Jack, let’s not stop here. Oh, Jack, let’s not stop. Oh, Jack, let’s not. Oh, Jack, let’s. Oh, Jack! Oh! ---
**Author:** ![Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/son_of_a_rich/32/5439_2.png) [@Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Son_of_a_Rich)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2015, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/75 "2015-08-03T03:53:29Z")
Oldest joke I remember: Q. What were Tarzan’s last words? A. Who greased the grapevine? ---
**Author:** ![MickNickMaggies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/59ef9b/32.png) [@MickNickMaggies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MickNickMaggies)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2015, 11:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/76 "2015-08-03T11:41:18Z")
> [@P-man](#): > > What did Mr. Spock see when he looked in the toilet? > > The Captain’s log. How is the Enterprise like toilet paper? It circles Uranus, looking for Klingons. ---
**Author:** ![Megumi\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/96bed5/32.png) [@Megumi\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Megumi_1)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2015, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/77 "2015-08-03T16:01:16Z")
A blonde goes to a hair stilist with headphones on. The mad does what he cans than asks: “Miss can you take the headphones off?” “Oh no! I cant. If I do I’ll die!” He tryes to avoid the headphones but fails and he asked again reciving the same answer. The man takes the headphones off and the woman dies. He listenes to what was said into the headphones and heard: inhale, exhale, inhale… 😃 No ofense blonde persons ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2015, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/78 "2015-08-03T20:47:39Z")
From a book by Bennett Cerf, from when I was early in the single digits: Q: Why did the boy throw the alarm clock out the window? A: Because he wanted to see time fly. You said “first,” not “best.” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![bibliophage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bibliophage/32/7615_2.png) [@bibliophage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bibliophage)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2015, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/79 "2015-08-03T21:36:19Z")
Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby? Mr. Bigger’s baby is just a little Bigger ---
**Author:** ![yawuntz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a5b964/32.png) [@yawuntz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yawuntz)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2015, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379/80 "2015-08-03T22:00:16Z")
Almost kicked the slats out of my crib when I heard this one. A bee is flying around a field of clover, lands on a flower and is promptly devoured by a bull grazing in the area. The bee, angry and looking to settle the score, flies around the bull’s stomach looking for the best place to sting him. But it’s so dark and warm in there, the bee soon falls asleep. When he wakes up, the bull is gone! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-oldest-joke-you-remember/445379.md?page=5)