# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 11:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/181 "2010-06-04T11:42:59Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Go to the [match search page](http://www.okcupid.com/match) and take a look. You CAN’T search for people who are looking for casual sex. You can only flag that you yourself are looking for casual sex. Nothing has changed. They moved that from the sidebar to the meat of the profile. Sure you can. Click “Advanced” -\> “Looking For…” and check it off. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/182 "2010-06-04T13:03:10Z")
> [@Munch](#): > > Sure you can. Click “Advanced” -\> “Looking For…” and check it off. Oh nice, thanks for that. I’d somehow been blind to the entire ‘advanced’ bar thingie. :smack: But still, what’s being shown on your profile is what you had in your sidebar all along. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Macnbaish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Macnbaish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macnbaish)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/183 "2010-06-04T14:31:56Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > It means that he is only interested in people whose religion is important enough to them to warrant being mentioned on their dating profiles. If that’s what’s important to him, so be it. He hit the nail right on the head on this one. If it’s not important enough to mention **at all** , it’s not that important to you in my experience. > [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Rap is not a proper noun. You don’t have to capitalize it. Other than that, good job. If I were (1) single, (2) female, and (3) a Christian, I’d be all up in your inbox. > > ETA: Stop restricting your profiles to OKCupid users, people! :mad: Oops, I’ll have to get that fixed. Thanks! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Macnbaish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Macnbaish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macnbaish)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/184 "2010-06-04T14:40:23Z")
> [@pricciar](#): > > I like to snoop. And, in payment for snooping I will post my thoughts on the profiles I read. > > **Macnbaish** > I thought your profile was good. Very clear and concise. Putting out there what you are looking for and extolling your virtues without bragging. > I do agree with RNATB about the spelling of rap. And, and this is probably my neurosis more than anything else, I can’t stand when people go out of their way to say they hate rap. Not that I expect anyone or everyone to like it. But, I can’t tell you how many times I read “I love all music aside from rap.” or “I love all music aside from country” or a combination of the two. Enough already, people! Just say you love most music and keep it at that! > Ahem. Sorry. > On the capital letters note shouldn’t Christian be capitalized? > I would think about removing this line “God first, spouse second, other family third. The rest is just details.” When you don’t have a spouse it seems sort of presumptuous to talk about one. Someone reading the profile, in spite of your earlier stated desires to take things slow, might take that as you are on the fast track to find a spouse. Like you were shopping for a new suit. Not like you are looking to meet someone and see where it goes. > Going by the pictures you don’t look overweight at all! Thanks for the feedback. I’ll look at the capitalization - and I do have the tendency to be too serious up front and scare people away - I can see how that statement could imply that. At the same time I like how it communicates my priorities in life. I’ll have to think about that one. Maybe I can clarify it a bit more. ---
**Author:** ![Macnbaish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Macnbaish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macnbaish)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/185 "2010-06-04T14:47:52Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > _I_ wouldn’t exclude people based on that, but he wants people whose lives revolve around God. He didn’t mention frustrations at not being able to find people who mention God so I’d say his exclusionary style is doing fine. The only alternative is that, as you suggested, he message people asking about their religion. As I responded to that, there are plenty of people who do, in fact, mention God so it’s not a problem. > > So yes, he is potentially excluding people who might be good with him. But it doesn’t matter because there’s a large enough selection of people whose profiles meet his standards. I realize it may be exlusionary. Basically when I’m rating profiles on OKC, the max you can get with no mention of God is 3, because of how important that is to me. Now often after rating a three I’ll go check the details on the right banner and see what they answered to the religion question - if they put Christianity there I might bump them up. I just want to see it somewhere! Now on the other hand if a woman contacted me and struck up a conversation I wouldn’t ignore her if there was no mention of God - if she’s interested in me with how prominently I feature religion in my profile, there’s a pretty good chance it’s important to her, even if it’s not mentioned on her profile at all. ---
**Author:** ![Nutty\_Bunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d07c76/32.png) [@Nutty\_Bunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nutty_Bunny)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/186 "2010-06-04T17:47:22Z")
Ok, I’ll play. Here’s me. [http://www.okcupid.com/profile/kikibean1](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/kikibean1) I just started this online dating thing about a week ago. I’ve been out of the dating scene for 11 years and I need advice. I had one date last night with a 47 year old man (I’m 39) and we went to a neighborhood bar for a drink and food. He drove, since we live so close to each other and when he dropped me off, he leaned in for a kiss. So I kissed him, but he seemed to want a full-on makeout session. What exactly is the appropriate way to end a first date? Or maybe I should say: Guys, what do you expect at the end of a first date? BTW, he was more attracted to me than I was to him. Do people generally make out on the first date? I have no idea how to date! ---
**Author:** ![jsc1953](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@jsc1953](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jsc1953)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/187 "2010-06-04T17:55:37Z")
> [@Nutty\_Bunny](#): > > What exactly is the appropriate way to end a first date? Or maybe I should say: Guys, what do you expect at the end of a first date? BTW, he was more attracted to me than I was to him. Do people generally make out on the first date? I have no idea how to date! In my geezer demographic, a kiss would be nice but don’t expect it. I certainly don’t expect making out or beyond. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/188 "2010-06-04T17:57:57Z")
> [@Nutty\_Bunny](#): > > Ok, I’ll play. Here’s me. [http://www.okcupid.com/profile/kikibean1](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/kikibean1) > > I just started this online dating thing about a week ago. I’ve been out of the dating scene for 11 years and I need advice. I had one date last night with a 47 year old man (I’m 39) and we went to a neighborhood bar for a drink and food. He drove, since we live so close to each other and when he dropped me off, he leaned in for a kiss. So I kissed him, but he seemed to want a full-on makeout session. > > What exactly is the appropriate way to end a first date? Or maybe I should say: Guys, what do you expect at the end of a first date? BTW, he was more attracted to me than I was to him. Do people generally make out on the first date? I have no idea how to date! Hey, we’re 0% enemies! 1.) You might want to consider making the answers to your questions public. 2.) I don’t officially expect anything from my dates. But every first date I’ve been on has ended in at least a make out session so I guess that’s created a sort of expectation in my mind. I wouldn’t get in a huff if a chick didn’t want to make out with me, though (I mean, I’ll think she’s crazy, but whatever ;)). ---
**Author:** ![pricciar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@pricciar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pricciar)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/189 "2010-06-04T18:05:10Z")
Usually, on a first meeting I try to go somewhere simple and casual - coffee, or a bar for drinks. I also try to make it so we meet at the place. That really depends on your comfort level with a person, and in general. That way I don’t have to worry about a crazy person knowing were I live and they don’t to worry about crazy me knowing where they live. At the end of a first date a hug is fine. If you are feeling more - go for it. Don’t feel pressured to give more than you are comfortable with because of someone else’s expectations. It really depends on the circumstances. Making out on a first date isn’t unheard of, for sure. But, if you don’t make out that doesn’t say anything about either party’s interest. Just have fun! That’s the most important rule in all of this, I think. I agree with clockwork, reading other people’s answers are fun, so make them public! Other than that, I think your profile is good. Maybe some more answers in there. Because, you haven’t written much. But, good for a start for sure. ---
**Author:** ![Nutty\_Bunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d07c76/32.png) [@Nutty\_Bunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nutty_Bunny)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/190 "2010-06-04T18:19:29Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Hey, we’re 0% enemies! > > 1.) You might want to consider making the answers to your questions public. > 2.) I don’t officially expect anything from my dates. But every first date I’ve been on has ended in at least a make out session so I guess that’s created a sort of expectation in my mind. I wouldn’t get in a huff if a chick didn’t want to make out with me, though (I mean, I’ll think she’s crazy, but whatever ;)). 1. I’ll do that 2. Could it be that things are different for a 20 year old than they are for a 39 year old? When I was in my 20s, I would make out with someone on the first date, but for some reason it seems strange now. Or it could be that it’s because I’d been married for 10 years and it’s strange to be kissing someone. I just thought it odd that he was putting his tongue in my mouth after knowing each other for 2 hours. He IM’d me after the date and asked if I was nervous. So I figured he was expecting more from me and that maybe I was just being uptight. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/191 "2010-06-04T18:28:55Z")
> [@Nutty\_Bunny](#): > > 1. I’ll do that > 2. Could it be that things are different for a 20 year old than they are for a 39 year old? When I was in my 20s, I would make out with someone on the first date, but for some reason it seems strange now. Or it could be that it’s because I’d been married for 10 years and it’s strange to be kissing someone. I just thought it odd that he was putting his tongue in my mouth after knowing each other for 2 hours. > > He IM’d me after the date and asked if I was nervous. So I figured he was expecting more from me and that maybe I was just being uptight. It might be the age difference, I guess. Though I hope to still be making out with girls when I’m 39. 😛 If you didn’t want the kiss then there’s no question as to whether you should or shouldn’t do anything- don’t feel pressured to do what you don’t want to do. ---
**Author:** ![Nutty\_Bunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d07c76/32.png) [@Nutty\_Bunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nutty_Bunny)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/192 "2010-06-04T19:25:04Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > It might be the age difference, I guess. Though I hope to still be making out with girls when I’m 39. 😛 If you didn’t want the kiss then there’s no question as to whether you should or shouldn’t do anything- don’t feel pressured to do what you don’t want to do. Oh I’d love to make out and I look forward to it after an affectionless marriage! I just don’t want to do it 2 hours after meeting a man. Although, I guess if I’d been attracted to him, I probably would have wanted to. I suppose what I’m also wondering is what other women my age would do in that situation. In my 20’s I was a lot more free and had one night stands and generally didn’t respect myself. So I don’t want to do too much too soon so my date might assume he’ll get even more on the second date. But I don’t want to appear uptight either. I’m really clueless, aren’t I? ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/193 "2010-06-04T19:29:44Z")
> [@Nutty\_Bunny](#): > > I suppose what I’m also wondering is what other women my age would do in that situation. You shouldn’t base your behavior based on what a woman your age “should do.” What I’m getting from you, besides that you didn’t want to kiss the guy because you weren’t attracted to him, is that you don’t want to engage in behavior that you think you should have grown out of. ---
**Author:** ![Nutty\_Bunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d07c76/32.png) [@Nutty\_Bunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nutty_Bunny)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/194 "2010-06-04T19:40:47Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > You shouldn’t base your behavior based on what a woman your age “should do.” What I’m getting from you, besides that you didn’t want to kiss the guy because you weren’t attracted to him, is that you don’t want to engage in behavior that you think you should have grown out of. Yes. That and I don’t want to lead someone on by making out with him and later having to tell him I’m not that into him. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/195 "2010-06-04T19:43:46Z")
> [@Nutty\_Bunny](#): > > Yes. That and I don’t want to lead someone on by making out with him and later having to tell him I’m not that into him. Then by all means, don’t make out with him. But don’t do it because you think you’re too old for it. That’s silly. ---
**Author:** ![jsc1953](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@jsc1953](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jsc1953)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/196 "2010-06-04T19:54:05Z")
> [@Nutty\_Bunny](#): > > Yes. That and I don’t want to lead someone on by making out with him and later having to tell him I’m not that into him. I think this is a 100% bullet-proof reason for 1st date restraint. It’s extremely possible you would find that after 2 dates you’re JNTIH, which would be hard to reconcile with your behavior on Date #1. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/197 "2010-06-04T20:00:24Z")
> [@Nutty\_Bunny](#): > > What exactly is the appropriate way to end a first date? Or maybe I should say: Guys, what do you expect at the end of a first date? BTW, he was more attracted to me than I was to him. Do people generally make out on the first date? I have no idea how to date! Not a guy, but I am in your age bracket, single, and attempting to date (though sometimes it seems like way too much work when you don’t date from your pool of friends/acquaintances). 1. You’re a lot braver than I am. I would never have gotten in a car with someone I just met. I met my previous boyfriend on Eharmony and even though I trusted him (safety-wise) from the first meeting, I drove my own car and didn’t give him my address until like our 4th date. 2. I wouldn’t feel comfortable making out on a first date either - especially if it was someone I just met. A hug, and maybe a kiss (if the chemistry seems to be there) if I like the guy and want to see him again. I figure if the guy isn’t going to ask me out again because I won’t get overly physical right off the bat, then it’s good to rule him out early because chances are we aren’t compatible. 3. Conversely, I can see being so swept away by someone that I completely disregard #2, but even then I’d try to exercise a little will-power because I’m old enough that while sex is great and mega important in a relationship, unfortunately I also need to like and respect the person I’m with. Unlike when I was in my 20’s. Bottom line - do what you’re comfortable with, no more and no less. Anyone worthy of you will respect that. ---
**Author:** ![Macnbaish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Macnbaish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macnbaish)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/198 "2010-06-04T20:10:08Z")
As others have said - do what you’re comfortable with. Everybody is different. If it felt “weird” that he wanted a make-out session, then that’s a clear indication that you weren’t comfortable going that far with it. It’s also pretty clear from your other comments that you weren’t exactly swept off of your feet. If you had been, you may have found **yourself** leaning in to slip him some tongue. And as others have said, you don’t want to “give in” either. If you do, then he’ll have a natural assumption that you really like him, and if that’s not really the case, you’re just setting yourself up for drama. If a guy is pushing you out of your comfort zone, then he’s probably not a guy you want a relationship with, in my opinion. ---
**Author:** ![Macnbaish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Macnbaish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macnbaish)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/199 "2010-06-04T20:13:47Z")
> [@Nutty\_Bunny](#): > > What exactly is the appropriate way to end a first date? Or maybe I should say: Guys, what do you expect at the end of a first date? BTW, he was more attracted to me than I was to him. Do people generally make out on the first date? I have no idea how to date! To answer this specifically - in my opinion, I’m going on a date to have fun. I’d like to spend some time getting to know a person and having good conversation. It would have to be one heck of a connection with sparks flying in all directions for me to go for a big smooch on the first date, but I’m a conservative, old-fashioned type. Like so many things in life there is no “right answer,” it all depends on the individual that ends up across from you. The key is not to worry about what they might want or expect, you have no control over that. What you can control is what you want and expect, and to stand up for it. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Nutty\_Bunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d07c76/32.png) [@Nutty\_Bunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nutty_Bunny)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/200 "2010-06-04T20:35:44Z")
> [@jsc1953](#): > > I think this is a 100% bullet-proof reason for 1st date restraint. It’s extremely possible you would find that after 2 dates you’re JNTIH, which would be hard to reconcile with your behavior on Date #1. That makes so much sense! Thank you! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=11)