# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 103
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2011, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2042 "2011-08-12T00:57:28Z")
> [@pricciar](#): > > I was going to say something similar to **Invisible Chimp**. He said it first, so he’s smarter. But, I’ll say it anyway. Thanks. Another thing, if I really connect with someone personality wise, they start to look better physically. I suppose I start to overlook their physical flaws. It can work in reverse, unfortunately, where someone is so good looking you overlook their personality flaws, too. You never really know until you meet them IRL. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2011, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2043 "2011-08-12T15:52:15Z")
> [@elmwood](#): > > How do you politely reject someone when you’re not physically attracted to them, but they’re otherwise a great match? 1.) As advised, you might want to try at least one date. Sometimes people are much more attractive in person. 2.) “I had fun/you seem interesting/maybe we could hang out as friends, but I don’t think we’d make a good romantic match.” You’re not specifying why, so you’re being honest without being hurtful. ---
**Author:** ![elmwood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmwood/32/3060_2.png) [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2011, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2044 "2011-08-12T16:14:25Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > 1.) As advised, you might want to try at least one date. Sometimes people are much more attractive in person. > > 2.) “I had fun/you seem interesting/maybe we could hang out as friends, but I don’t think we’d make a good romantic match.” You’re not specifying why, so you’re being honest without being hurtful. That seems to make a lot of sense. Thanks! I’m always on the lookout to expand my circle of friends, but I want to make it clear that that’s all I’m really interested in with that person. I know firsthand that some people can be far more attractive in person than in their photos. Still, when I see profile photos with nothing but MySpace angles or face-only shots, I start seeing red flags in a May Day parade quantities, especially if the profile description reads “a few extra pounds”, “curvy”, or the like. > [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > Another thing, if I really connect with someone personality wise, they start to look better physically. I suppose I start to overlook their physical flaws. I tried that, really, and I just can’t get over it, especially if the issue is weight. I’m trying to lose 10-15 pounds, and don’t mind if my partner is a little soft. I’m not looking for a “Barbie.” It’s when they have a larger physical presence than me, though, that it becomes an issue. ---
**Author:** ![Atomic\_Alex](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/atomic_alex/32/175_2.png) [@Atomic\_Alex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atomic_Alex)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2011, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2045 "2011-08-12T22:00:57Z")
Thanks for your replies Tony and Joey P. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2011, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2046 "2011-08-12T22:50:56Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > 1.) As advised, you might want to try at least one date. Sometimes people are much more attractive in person. > > 2.) “I had fun/you seem interesting/maybe we could hang out as friends, but I don’t think we’d make a good romantic match.” You’re not specifying why, so you’re being honest without being hurtful. Weird. This post gives me a sense of deja vu. ---
**Author:** ![elmwood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmwood/32/3060_2.png) [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2011, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2047 "2011-08-13T15:41:13Z")
Are cougars the new normal? The majority of women in my age range (late 30s-late 40s) in my area have age ranges from 10 to 15+ years younger to two to three years older. I get excited when I see a new WSM profile from a woman that’s … oh, 41, only to be let down when I see that her desired age range is 28 to 43. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2011, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2048 "2011-08-13T20:02:22Z")
> [@elmwood](#): > > Are cougars the new normal? The majority of women in my age range (late 30s-late 40s) in my area have age ranges from 10 to 15+ years younger to two to three years older. I get excited when I see a new WSM profile from a woman that’s … oh, 41, only to be let down when I see that her desired age range is 28 to 43. Not for me. I’m 41 now and I wouldn’t actively seek to date anyone more than 3 years younger than me, and even that I’m not to sure. 28? I didn’t 28 year olds when I was 28. I can’t think of what I would possibly have in common with them. * * * I think I’m going to take a break from dating. I am about to get my braces, and last week I had four teeth extracted. Bicuspids, so close enough to the front of my mouth that I feel very self-conscious about it, that is only going to increase once the braces are on next week. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2011, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2049 "2011-08-15T17:18:25Z")
> [@elmwood](#): > > Are cougars the new normal? I see that same kind of age pattern on a lot of guys (their age rage extends much further younger than them than it does older). I generally see it as a small pink flag as regards the guy’s general level of maturity. > [@Mauvaise](#): > > I think I’m going to take a break from dating. I am about to get my braces, and last week I had four teeth extracted. Bicuspids, so close enough to the front of my mouth that I feel very self-conscious about it, that is only going to increase once the braces are on next week. I can understand not wanting to date if you’re really not feeling sexy. But if it’s the kind of self-consciousness that hasn’t impacted your own desire to date, why not let the guys actually respond to you on their own, instead of assuming that they’re going to reject you? ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2011, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2050 "2011-08-15T17:22:31Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > I see that same kind of age pattern on a lot of guys (their age rage extends much further younger than them than it does older). I generally see it as a small pink flag as regards the guy’s general level of maturity. Totally! I’ve seen so many guys who are older than me and I’m past the high end of their dating range. > [@](#): > > I can understand not wanting to date if you’re really not feeling sexy. But if it’s the kind of self-consciousness that hasn’t impacted your own desire to date, why not let the guys actually respond to you on their own, instead of assuming that they’re going to reject you? Oh, I’m not like deleting my profile or anything, I’m just going to take a passive approach for a while as I’m not feeling the confidence to be the instigating party (so to speak). But as it’s seemed to have slowed down (for me) in terms of being contacted (by legitimate people), it will result in a break. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2011, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2051 "2011-08-15T17:25:13Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > I see that same kind of age pattern on a lot of guys (their age rage extends much further younger than them than it does older). I generally see it as a small pink flag as regards the guy’s general level of maturity. I’m not ready to leave the 20s behind. I barely got to experience them the first time around. ☹ Plus women in their 30s look too much like my mother. I’m sure that says more for my mother than those women (she looks _awesome_ for her age), but that’s like a massive roadblock when it comes to possible relationships. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2011, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2052 "2011-08-15T21:00:40Z")
Like I said, little pink flag. Personally, I can barely imagine dating someone my little\* brother’s age (25), let alone younger, and I’m only 28 myself. \*6’2", married, Master’s degree, just bought a house. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2011, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2053 "2011-08-15T22:01:40Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > I see that same kind of age pattern on a lot of guys (their age rage extends much further younger than them than it does older). I generally see it as a small pink flag as regards the guy’s general level of maturity. Men tend to date younger and women older. I’m 32 and my stated age range in my looking for is 21-37. Would you give me a pink flag? 23 is my age/2 + 7. It’d have to be a special woman to make me actually go lower than 23. It would also have to be a special woman to go as high as 37. 21 and 37 are probably my absolute limits. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2011, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2054 "2011-08-15T23:45:13Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Like I said, little pink flag. Personally, I can barely imagine dating someone my little\* brother’s age (25), let alone younger, and I’m only 28 myself. > > \*6’2", married, Master’s degree, just bought a house. I put my lower range at 25. At first it was just that I didn’t think I would feel ‘right’ dating someone under 25, then later I realized I also wouldn’t want to date someone younger then my sister (I have a 21 and 25 year old sister as well as a 27 year old brother). ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2055 "2011-08-16T00:31:21Z")
People seem to use their siblings as guidelines. I think 37 is my upper limit because my older sister turns 37 this year. My younger brother is 30, so if I used that as a measure, I couldn’t date any twentysomethings. The youngest of my stepbrothers turns 25 this year. I could use his age as a lower limit. ---
**Author:** ![MareIt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ea666f/32.png) [@MareIt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MareIt)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2056 "2011-08-16T01:19:21Z")
So, this is going back several pages (or more than a several) but for those who panic about the girl/guy who has logged on since you sent them a message/winked/blinked/waved/gave a high-five. Now that I am a smart-phone gal, I’ve realized that some people (aka me, myself and I) will read a message on their phone, but won’t reply. I HATE typing much of anything via my phone, so will hold off until I am back on my home computer before replying. That might mean a day or three depending on how life goes… ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2057 "2011-08-16T14:38:59Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > I’m 32 and my stated age range in my looking for is 21-37. Would you give me a pink flag? 11 years under you but only 5 years over? Yeah, that would make me raise an eyebrow, especially since the lower end of the range can fall on college students. I think life stages are generally more important than strict ages (e.g., a 20 year old who’s been supporting themself with a full time job since high school can be more mature than a 22 year old college senior). FWIW, my range is 25-38 (3 under, 10 over). > [@MareIt](#): > > Now that I am a smart-phone gal, I’ve realized that some people (aka me, myself and I) will read a message on their phone, but won’t reply. Same here. It’s especially problematical since OkC fucked up the Android app so that there’s no way to compose a reply while still being able to read the message you’re replying to. (You have to literally cut out everything you’ve typed, go back, re-read the message, and then start a \*new \*reply and paste in what you’ve previously written… _every time_ you want to go back and read something again.) ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2058 "2011-08-16T16:07:12Z")
I keep my age range at an even +/- 10 years, though I have found that I tend to enjoy the company of those near my age or older. Since it’s even, surely that shouldn’t raise any flags. After all, my age/2 + 7 = 25…if that formula is valid. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2059 "2011-08-16T16:14:52Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > 11 years under you but only 5 years over? Yeah, that would make me raise an eyebrow, especially since the lower end of the range can fall on college students. I think life stages are generally more important than strict ages (e.g., a 20 year old who’s been supporting themself with a full time job since high school can be more mature than a 22 year old college senior). I agree with SFG says above. It’s not so much the age difference but the life stage difference. I would say this is much less difference between someone who is 50 and someone who is 40 than between someone who is 32 and someone who is 22. This, even though there is only a ten year difference in both examples. And, as noted, there can be exceptions. My age ranges is in the same lines as SFG’s: 10 years older, but only 3 years younger. I wouldn’t automatically rule someone younger out, but it would be a really tough sell. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2060 "2011-08-16T16:15:07Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > I keep my age range at an even +/- 10 years, though I have found that I tend to enjoy the company of those near my age or older. Since it’s even, surely that shouldn’t raise any flags. Yeah, mostly even ranges don’t bother me, just ones that are heavily weighted toward younger people. And, as always, this is simply my personal preference. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2061 "2011-08-16T16:41:34Z")
Because women tend to date older and men younger, my eleven years younger, five years older isn’t that different than three years younger, ten years older. It’s complementary. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=102) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=104)