# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 104
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2062 "2011-08-16T16:49:22Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > Because women tend to date older and men younger, my eleven years younger, five years older isn’t that different than three years younger, ten years older. It’s complementary. I agree with SFG’s ‘life stages’ comment, but you make one hell of a point, there. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2063 "2011-08-16T17:07:16Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > Because women tend to date older and men younger, my eleven years younger, five years older isn’t that different than three years younger, ten years older. It’s complementary. Like I said, \*personally \*I’m wary of guys who want to date more younger women than older. And again, the problem (for me) isn’t necessarily dating someone 10 years younger than you (if so, there go like half the guys I’ve been involved with)–it’s \*exclusively \*looking at people that much younger than you while also neglecting those that much older. For me, this attitude dates back to something I noticed as a teenager. When you’re in high school, you think it’s really awesome when someone has a college boyfriend or girlfriend. And then when you get to college, you realize that your classmates who are dating high school students (excepting relationships that were carried over after graduation) are generally (a) creepers or (b) socially retarded. I’m not saying that this applies to every person who dates someone younger–far from it–but just that IME \*chronically \*dating people who are much younger than you (especially ones at different life stages) can be an indicator of someone who is immature in a way that will be a bad match _for me_. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2064 "2011-08-16T17:27:39Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Yeah, mostly even ranges don’t bother me, just ones that are heavily weighted toward younger people. And, as always, this is simply my personal preference. It matters enough to you that you even wrote a question about it. You have another question about Rocky Horror Picture Show, I believe. Anybody else write any questions for OkC? I haven’t. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2065 "2011-08-16T17:33:35Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > It matters enough to you that you even wrote a question about it. You have another question about Rocky Horror Picture Show, I believe. Anybody else write any questions for OkC? I haven’t. I wrote one. But when you write a question does it go out to the public or do people only see if when they view your profile? I ask because I was looking at someone’s profile and noticed they had written a question, later on I decided I wanted to answer the question and try as I might, I couldn’t find it. But when I clicked back to her profile, went to her questions and used the same search terms, it came right up. Also, I think there’s about 3K questions, I’d imagine there would be more then that. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2066 "2011-08-16T17:35:14Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > It matters enough to you that you even wrote a question about it. You have another question about Rocky Horror Picture Show, I believe. Anybody else write any questions for OkC? I haven’t. I wrote one, too. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2067 "2011-08-16T17:35:20Z")
I wrote a question as well. OKC said that it was accepted, even made sure that it wasn’t a duplicate. I could never find it after that day. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2068 "2011-08-16T19:58:42Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > It matters enough to you that you even wrote a question about it. You have another question about Rocky Horror Picture Show, I believe. Anybody else write any questions for OkC? I haven’t. 1.) Yup, it matters _to me_. I’m just saying that it might be a neutral thing or even a positive one for other women. 2.) I’ve written several questions, actually. The one you’re thinking of isn’t \*\*about \*\*_Rocky Horror_, it’s about whether or not you think it’s acceptable to talk/text/etc. during a movie in a public theater, with a note that I’m not referring to shows where talkback is expected, such as \*RHPS \*or _The Room_. > [@Joey\_P](#): > > But when you write a question does it go out to the public or do people only see if when they view your profile? It goes out to the public. Whether or not it will be given to any particular person to answer, who the heck knows? OkCupid’s algorithms for that stuff are unknown. > [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > I wrote a question as well. OKC said that it was accepted, even made sure that it wasn’t a duplicate. I could never find it after that day. Sometimes it takes them a while to go live. Try going to your own profile, looking at the questions section, and then clicking the link on the righthand sidebar that’s something like “Questions I’ve Asked.” If you have one or more live questions, they should all be viewable there. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2069 "2011-08-16T21:24:49Z")
I feel I should come up with a question now. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2070 "2011-08-16T21:25:58Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > I feel I should come up with a question now. Seriously - like half the people in this thread have done so. Slacker. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2071 "2011-08-16T22:58:27Z")
Regarding this similar life stages idea. I dropped out out of college after one year. Supposing I went back, I’d be a college freshman again. **Shot From Guns** , would you be okay with me dating my 18 year old classmates because we’re both at a similar life stage, as long as I also was willing to date my 46 year old professors too? And that would be better to you than my current age split? ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2072 "2011-08-16T23:10:11Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > Regarding this similar life stages idea. I dropped out out of college after one year. Supposing I went back, I’d be a college freshman again. **Shot From Guns** , would you be okay with me dating my 18 year old classmates because we’re both at a similar life stage, as long as I also was willing to date my 46 year old professors too? And that would be better to you than my current age split? That’s like, haha, you’re kidding right? ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2073 "2011-08-16T23:19:57Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > Regarding this similar life stages idea. I dropped out out of college after one year. Supposing I went back, I’d be a college freshman again. **Shot From Guns** , would you be okay with me dating my 18 year old classmates because we’re both at a similar life stage, as long as I also was willing to date my 46 year old professors too? And that would be better to you than my current age split? I’m not SFG, but I never went to college and just started a couple years ago, taking a class or two a semester. Despite college as a being a new experience, there is no way that an 18 year old is in a similar life stage to me at 38\*. A person’s while way of thinking changes (hopefully) between early 20’s and their 30’s. Priorities shift, life matures you, even cultural references are different. Speaking for myself, it would be a pink flag if a guy felt they could relate more to someone like that than women their own age. This isn’t a personal attack, just people expressing how they perceive things through their own experiences. What does it matter to you if SFG doesn’t put her stamp of approval on men dating women that much younger than themselves? \*Age when I started college, not current age. ---
**Author:** ![gallan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ee59a6/32.png) [@gallan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gallan)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2074 "2011-08-16T23:51:30Z")
> [@Mauvaise](#): > > What does it matter to you if SFG doesn’t put her stamp of approval on men dating women that much younger than themselves. I can’t speak for others, but this whole age range thing is a shock to me because it never occurred to me that people actually use your listed age range in that way. I’ve never looked at a person’s age range for any reason except to see if I fall in that range. So it’s quite surprising to me to think that someone might see that I’m 30 and my age range goes down to 22 and somehow judge me for that (even if they don’t immediately discount me because of it). This isn’t meant to criticize SFG. It sort of makes sense to me that someone might come to certain conclusions based on that information, but it just never occurred to me before. For me personally, I expect different kinds of relationships from the people I might meet through a dating site. If I met a 22-year-old who was in college and started dating her, I’d have very different expectations for the relationship than I would if I met a 35-year-old single mom. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2011, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2075 "2011-08-16T23:54:35Z")
> [@Mauvaise](#): > > Speaking for myself, it would be a pink flag if a guy felt they could relate more to someone like that than women their own age. This isn’t a personal attack, just people expressing how they perceive things through their own experiences. What does it matter to you if SFG doesn’t put her stamp of approval on men dating women that much younger than themselves? I’m on my phone, or I’d mult-quote **Sicks Ate**. Of course, I’m being absurd. Poe’s law. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter if **SFG** puts her stamp of approval on it or not. According to OkC, she and I agree on 99% of stuff, or something. This is one of our few “unacceptable answers.” I get where she’s coming from most of the time, but not this time. I’m just trying to understand her position better. Shrug. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2011, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2076 "2011-08-17T13:05:21Z")
> [@gallan](#): > > So it’s quite surprising to me to think that someone might see that I’m 30 and my age range goes down to 22 and somehow judge me for that (even if they don’t immediately discount me because of it). For me the ‘pink flag’ wouldn’t come into play if you simply had 22 as the lower end of your range. It would if you’re 30 and your range was say, 22-28. Or, as I see a of: man my age (41) that has his range 25-35 (give or take a couple years). Sometimes I even get contacted by a person when I’m already out of their range and it does give me pause. > [@](#): > > For me personally, I expect different kinds of relationships from the people I might meet through a dating site. If I met a 22-year-old who was in college and started dating her, I’d have very different expectations for the relationship than I would if I met a 35-year-old single mom. And that’s fair. Also, I guess it explains it for me. I’m not looking for someone that wants the kind of relationship you will get with a 22-year-old. I’m so far past that and I would wonder if the person had the maturity to have an ‘adult’ relationship. This isn’t an attack on you, I’m looking at 40+ so when I read the above, that’s what I’m picturing. I just happened to use your quote as a jumping point. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2011, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2077 "2011-08-17T15:53:28Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > I feel I should come up with a question now. Eh, nothing wrong with being happy with the ones that already exist. Me having written more than one just means I’m a picky, judgmental bitch. 😃 > [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > Regarding this similar life stages idea. I dropped out out of college after one year. Supposing I went back, I’d be a college freshman again. **Shot From Guns** , would you be okay with me dating my 18 year old classmates because we’re both at a similar life stage, as long as I also was willing to date my 46 year old professors too? And that would be better to you than my current age split? Someone who dropped out of or never attended college and then goes back years later is not at the same “life stage” as someone who is going into college straight out of high school. You’ve already had the experience, at that point, of living on your own, supporting yourself, etc. I think you’re trying to take a few comments about my personal preferences and observations and twist them into some sort of bizarre set of absolute rules that I never intended nor implied. > [@gallan](#): > > I can’t speak for others, but this whole age range thing is a shock to me because it never occurred to me that people actually use your listed age range in that way. Probably just means you’re lucky enough not to have had experiences with people who make you wary of those kinds of preferences. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2011, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2078 "2011-08-17T16:28:41Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Someone who dropped out of or never attended college and then goes back years later is not at the same “life stage” as someone who is going into college straight out of high school. You’ve already had the experience, at that point, of living on your own, supporting yourself, etc. I already said I was being absurd. I know we wouldn’t be in the same life stage. > [@](#): > > I think you’re trying to take a few comments about my personal preferences and observations and twist them into some sort of bizarre set of absolute rules that I never intended nor implied. No, I know you said pink flag/raised eyebrow not red flag/ dealbreaker. We agree on most things, so I was just trying to understand this difference of opinion better. Your age range is just as nearly as lopsided to older men as mine is to younger women. I see it as complementary and simply as a difference between the sexes. That is all. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2011, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2079 "2011-08-17T17:03:58Z")
If you don’t see a difference between a 28-year-old having a relationship with someone who’s 38 and one who’s 18, I’m not sure what else I can say. ETA: And while it’s obviously not a universal guideline, the oft-quoted “half your age plus seven” rule tends to create acceptable age ranges that extend much higher above someone’s age than they do below. Per that guide, e.g., my acceptable dating range is 42 to 21: 14 years above me, but only 7 below. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2011, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2080 "2011-08-17T17:28:04Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > If you don’t see a difference between a 28-year-old having a relationship with someone who’s 38 and one who’s 18, I’m not sure what else I can say. You’re the one who is saying your age range should be balanced. I have no issue with your age range be lopsided towards older men. I absolutely wouldn’t expect you to be willing to date 18 year olds at 28. That 38 year old man who is willing to date you at 28 should also be willing to date 48 year olds in your mind. I disagree. I’m willing to date a 21 or a 37 under exceptional circumstances, so that’s what I put. Those are the absolute limits. TBH, I am mostly comfortable with 27-33. We really do agree on most things/ have so much in common, this is a silly thing to argue about. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2011, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2081 "2011-08-17T17:37:10Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > You’re the one who is saying your age range should be balanced. I never said this, and I can see why you would be confused if you somehow came to this (incorrect) interpretation. I said that I wouldn’t be concerned if a guy was looking for women much younger than him but \*that particular range \*was also balanced by the same age span above him. That’s not the same thing as saying that I think that \*all \*ranges \*should be \*balanced. (Plus, it would make me a hell of a hypocrite.) Basically, I’m saying that when I go out with a guy who’s 38, I’d prefer that his range is something more like 28-48 than 25-40. Also, as I keep trying to explain to you, having a 99% OkC match is not the same thing as saying that we “agree on most things” or “have so much in common.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=103) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=105)