# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![jsc1953](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@jsc1953](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jsc1953)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/201 "2010-06-04T20:39:24Z")
> [@Nutty\_Bunny](#): > > That makes so much sense! Thank you! You’re welcome! If you’re not doing anything, you wanna talk further over dinner? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Nutty\_Bunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d07c76/32.png) [@Nutty\_Bunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nutty_Bunny)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/202 "2010-06-04T21:16:52Z")
> [@jsc1953](#): > > You’re welcome! > > If you’re not doing anything, you wanna talk further over dinner? > > 😉 I’d love to, but that would be an expensive dinner! I’m in NY. Just don’t expect me to make out with you. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/203 "2010-06-04T21:26:06Z")
> [@Macnbaish](#): > > If a guy is pushing you out of your comfort zone, then he’s probably not a guy you want a relationship with, in my opinion. Agreed. At best, it indicates he’s bad at reading even basic body language. At worst, it indicates that he can, but thinks what he wants is more important than your comfort. Neither of these two things are attractive to me. Also, I don’t, personally, think of first meetings as “dates” – I’m not going on a “date” with someone when I’ve never met him and don’t even know if I like him yet. My expectations are low; I usually “read” people well enough online that I’m fairly confident I’ll get a friend out of the deal (otherwise I wouldn’t make a point of meeting him), but I have no expectations beyond that. I’m also in your demographic, and I’ve never kissed on a first meeting (nor did any of them try); although I have hugged, and in one case held hands. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/204 "2010-06-04T23:37:22Z")
> [@Munch](#): > > HEAD’S UP EVERYONE! > > OKCupid has changed their website, in a pretty major way. First and foremost, it’s now broadcasting what your latest search criteria were when someone views your profile. 44-year-old guy looking for 29-49 year-old women, does that raise any red flags? And what happened to my three adjectives? I liked my adjectives. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2010, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/205 "2010-06-04T23:43:29Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > Also, I don’t, personally, think of first meetings as “dates” – I’m not going on a “date” with someone when I’ve never met him and don’t even know if I like him yet. I don’t either. My ex (still one a very good friend), on the other hand, does. It was a running joke during our relationship (and even still once in awhile) to “argue” over whether meeting for coffee (even though it did turn in to dinner) as an introduction is a “Date” or not. > [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > 44-year-old guy looking for 29-49 year-old women, does that raise any red flags? > > And what happened to my three adjectives? I liked my adjectives. It doesn’t for me. We all have an age range we feel comfortable with, and your bottom range isn’t that young or far apart from you to give me pause. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2010, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/206 "2010-06-05T05:09:26Z")
> [@pricciar](#): > > Usually, on a first meeting I try to go somewhere simple and casual - coffee, or a bar for drinks. I also try to make it so we meet at the place. That really depends on your comfort level with a person, and in general. That way I don’t have to worry about a crazy person knowing were I live and they don’t to worry about crazy me knowing where they live. Dr. Date from the TV show Blind Date always recommends that a first date take place somewhere casual during the daytime. I have no idea why, but he’s a clinical psychologist. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2010, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/207 "2010-06-05T05:24:35Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Dr. Date from the TV show Blind Date always recommends that a first date take place somewhere casual during the daytime. I have no idea why, but he’s a clinical psychologist. I heard about a FOAF’s first date. He took her to this out of the way hole in the wall restaurant. There’s only two ways to get there, the first is by boat, the second (the way most people get there) is around the back of some buildings in a warehouse district then down a little back alley. It’s a fun place, but very strange to drive there your first time. The FOAF looked at the date and said something along the lines of “Don’t ever take someone here on their first date again, I thought I was going to get raped or mugged or killed” From the “Where the hell are you” section on their website… > [@](#): > > Simply Put… > From I-94 (coming from North or South) > Exit at Becher Street > Head East to Kinnickinnic Ave > Turn Left at KK > Make 1st Right at Stewart (about 1/2 block) > Make 1st Left at Hilbert > Head over RR Crossing and through Warehouses > Find a Place to Park near the Fence > We are on the other side of the 2nd aluminum warehouse Yeah, I wouldn’t take someone I didn’t know to a place that had directions that ended like that. (Fun fact, Bob Uecker keeps his boat in that second aluminum warehouse. Takes it out every morning and has it put back in every night) ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2010, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/208 "2010-06-05T05:41:06Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > 44-year-old guy looking for 29-49 year-old women, does that raise any red flags? > > And what happened to my three adjectives? I liked my adjectives. Not a red flag, but it would definitely be something I noticed. Seems pretty typical of men, though. ---
**Author:** ![lel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8797f3/32.png) [@lel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lel)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2010, 7:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/209 "2010-06-05T07:20:52Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > 44-year-old guy looking for 29-49 year-old women, does that raise any red flags? > > And what happened to my three adjectives? I liked my adjectives. I wouldn’t even think about it. Now if a guy age 44 was looking for women aged 18-27 or something like that, that would be a red flag to me. Which reminds me, I need to change my parameters. A 30-year-old woman looking for guys as young as 22 might look a bit odd. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2010, 8:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/210 "2010-06-05T08:08:44Z")
> [@Aesiron](#): > > Not a red flag, but it would definitely be something I noticed. Seems pretty typical of men, though. See, it’s different if the search criteria are private. I haven’t contacted any 29-year-olds. I wouldn’t write to anybody if I though I wasn’t who they were looking for, too. The computer can’t be expected to do all the work; you have to sift through the results for yourself. It would be a rare 29-year-old that I’d have my eye on, but that doesn’t mean she can’t exist. And then they change the interface and I look borderline skeevy, or worse, _typical_. ---
**Author:** ![tr0psn4j](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@tr0psn4j](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tr0psn4j)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2010, 9:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/211 "2010-06-05T09:25:17Z")
I’ve posted it in a different thread, but [here’s a link to my profile](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/TheTrope) if you want to check it out, or critique it, or just admire my three crappy pictures! > [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > See, it’s different if the search criteria are private. I haven’t contacted any 29-year-olds. I wouldn’t write to anybody if I though I wasn’t who they were looking for, too. The computer can’t be expected to do all the work; you have to sift through the results for yourself. It would be a rare 29-year-old that I’d have my eye on, but that doesn’t mean she can’t exist. > > And then they change the interface and I look borderline skeevy, or worse, _typical_. What about trying 18-1000 or something silly like that? ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2010, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/212 "2010-06-05T10:41:52Z")
> [@tr0psn4j](#): > > I’ve posted it in a different thread, but [here’s a link to my profile](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/TheTrope) if you want to check it out, or critique it, or just admire my three crappy pictures! In your default you look like Temuera Morrison. +1 ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2010, 11:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/213 "2010-06-05T11:41:20Z")
Just so everyone knows, the age range at the bottom of your profile has nothing to do with what you searched for, it’s what you said in your profile that you are looking for. Which is good since sometimes my searches have nothing to do with trying to find a date, but more to do with trying to fine a specific person (friend, relative, co-worker). ---
**Author:** ![The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_wind_of_my_soul)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2010, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/214 "2010-06-05T12:11:20Z")
Hey guys, I know I’m kind of late to the party but I just wanted to thank everyone for the encouraging words to me upthread. I feel a lot more comfortable about meeting him tomorrow (and tremendously excited!). I just wanted to add that I don’t feel comfortable posting my profile up here, but if you had a 23 year old female from VA looking at your profile, that would have been me because I clicked the links in this thread. And finally, I just wanted to add my two cents about the looking for criteria. I’m looking to talk to people who have common interests and can converse about that. If my profile really catches someone’s eye on a couple different levels with regards to that, screw proximity, screw age range, screw what I SAY I’m looking for. I feel like if anyone is really going to be that judgmental about what you post in the looking for section, they really weren’t that blown away by everything else you had to say anyways. ---
**Author:** ![jsc1953](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@jsc1953](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jsc1953)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2010, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/215 "2010-06-05T13:55:54Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Dr. Date from the TV show Blind Date always recommends that a first date take place somewhere casual during the daytime. I have no idea why, but he’s a clinical psychologist. eHarmony says the same thing. Primarily just to reduce the pressure; a cup of coffee in the afternoon can be short & sweet and with no pressure for after-date monkey business. Just an anecdote from my online experience: I was matched with a woman who said in her profile that she liked action movies, and especially WWII movies. OK, interesting and unusual… so we go through the preliminary exchange of information and start emailing periodically. One day I let her know that The Guns of Navarone was on TCM; I watched it and wondered if she had, too. She’d never heard of it. Clang! Aaooogah!! I think she had used the feminine equivalent of a guy saying that he loved long walks on the beach and shopping for antiques. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2010, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/216 "2010-06-05T14:40:07Z")
One thing I’m finding (or maybe rediscovering) about Eharmony (and online dating in general) is how damn judgmental I am. Maybe that’s not the right word, but as I’m closing matches left and right, it sure feels like I am which is disheartening because I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty accepting person. For example, here are three recent closes and the reasons: I closed (1) match solely because he said Rush Limbaugh was his most influential person. Because “he showed me how to think logically about politics, policy and personal responsibility.” Personal responsibility?! Rush Limbaugh? :smack: I’ve closed (3) matches in the last couple days because they mentioned they had grandchildren. :eek: Ok, it’s enough of a stretch to imagine my dating someone with children (I don’t have any and have never wanted to have any) - but I just don’t think I can bring myself to date someone’s grandfather - I’m only 40, ffs! And I’m about to close a match another match (though I’m trying to be fair because most of the rest of his profile shows him to be intelligent with good humour) because under his list of things he’s thankful for is this nugget: “eHarmony matches who post current pics of both close-ups and full length views.” Why is that so bad? Because he has ZERO pictures of his own posted. And I had a very :dubious: moment when reading one profile who mentioned the last book he really enjoyed reading was War & Peace. ---
**Author:** ![Rasa](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rasa/32/3578_2.png) [@Rasa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rasa)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2010, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/217 "2010-06-05T15:08:40Z")
In my opinion, you really want to have photos that were taken by someone else. Someone mentioned the “bathroom mirror” shot upthread–yeah, don’t do that. Cameraphones and webcams make it real easy to pose it up in the privacy of your own room, and I don’t mean you shouldn’t have _any_ you took yourself. Definitely try to make sure you have a photo or two that were taken by someone else and that maybe even show you out and about in the world. Whenever I’d see a profile with all the photos obviously webcam/cameraphone shots taken by themself, I (personally, YMMV) found it offputting. It’s hard to put a finger on it exactly, but I felt (unfairly, I’m sure) that the person would be too shy/insecure/introverted for me. I’m not a socialite party animal, but I don’t want a partner who doesn’t leave their bedroom. As for being on OKC and not being actively in the dating pool, I think OKC has become a lot like Facebook, but with a focus on dating. It’s a social site. There’s forums and journals and the silly quizzes, and of course, it’s always fun to see who’s checking you out, or check out people friends are meeting on OKC. Years ago, eHarmony told me “We’re sorry, but we think you’re a godless heathen and can’t match you with anyone, sorry.” I can’t imagine going through their process, the more I hear about it! And, [this is me](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/asamsaktha), so you don’t wonder who the stalker from Providence RI is. I’m out of the dating pool, didn’t meet my partner online, but found that using OKC for dating was a good way to go on a lot of first dates with some really nice guys. I didn’t have anything lasting come out of it, but I did meet some wonderful men. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2010, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/218 "2010-06-05T15:29:10Z")
> [@Mauvaise](#): > > I’ve closed (3) matches in the last couple days because they mentioned they had grandchildren. :eek: Ok, it’s enough of a stretch to imagine my dating someone with children (I don’t have any and have never wanted to have any) - but I just don’t think I can bring myself to date someone’s grandfather - I’m only 40, ffs! There are a bunch of 40 year old grandparents. They had children when they were twenty and their children had children when _they_ were twenty. Consider now that some of your matches were probably a bit older (45? Even older?) and it’s not surprising that some of them are grandchildren. Yup. Sorry. You’re old. 😃 > [@Mauvaise](#): > > And I had a very :dubious: moment when reading one profile who mentioned the last book he really enjoyed reading was War & Peace. What’s wrong with this? 😕 > [@Rasa](#): > > In my opinion, you really want to have photos that were taken by someone else. Someone mentioned the “bathroom mirror” shot upthread–yeah, don’t do that. Cameraphones and webcams make it real easy to pose it up in the privacy of your own room, and I don’t mean you shouldn’t have _any_ you took yourself. Definitely try to make sure you have a photo or two that were taken by someone else and that maybe even show you out and about in the world. Whenever I’d see a profile with all the photos obviously webcam/cameraphone shots taken by themself, I (personally, YMMV) found it offputting. It’s hard to put a finger on it exactly, but I felt (unfairly, I’m sure) that the person would be too shy/insecure/introverted for me. I’m not a socialite party animal, but I don’t want a partner who doesn’t leave their bedroom. I agree with this 100%. Unfortunately for me, I don’t think I’m particularly photogenic. For every picture you see of me, there are a dozen more that didn’t make the cut- I don’t have the kind of friends who take dozens of pictures of me so I’m left with webcam and self-cellphone shots. ☹ > [@Rasa](#): > > Years ago, eHarmony told me “We’re sorry, but we think you’re a godless heathen and can’t match you with anyone, sorry.” I can’t imagine going through their process, the more I hear about it! There was a thread about this a month ago or so. It was full of atheists or people who knew atheists who had used eHarmony successfully. As much as I love to bash on religion and religious institutions, this doesn’t seem to reflect how eHarmony actually operates. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2010, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/219 "2010-06-05T15:53:27Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > There are a bunch of 40 year old grandparents. They had children when they were twenty and their children had children when _they_ were twenty. Consider now that some of your matches were probably a bit older (45? Even older?) and it’s not surprising that some of them are grandchildren. Yup. Sorry. You’re old. 😃 I have my matches up the 50 years of age, so yeah, I know it’s _possible_, but in my head it’s more, “I can’t be old enough to date someone’s _grandfather_!” :(:(☹ > [@](#): > > What’s wrong with this? 😕 I didn’t close the match for that, it was just a little dubious to me as though the person was trying too hard to appear intelligent and well-read. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2010, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/220 "2010-06-05T16:13:35Z")
> [@Mauvaise](#): > > I have my matches up the 50 years of age, so yeah, I know it’s _possible_, but in my head it’s more, “I can’t be old enough to date someone’s _grandfather_!” :(:(☹ Well. You are. 😛 And it’s not just possible, but when you’re dealing with 50 year olds, it’s sort of likely. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=10) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=12)