# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 116
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2011, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2302 "2011-10-10T18:07:07Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > Sex aids such as apple butter are best not offered on the first date. See? Not much practical experience. I thought it was something you _ate_. šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![Rex\_Goliath](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bcef8e/32.png) [@Rex\_Goliath](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rex_Goliath)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2011, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2303 "2011-10-10T18:14:37Z")
Fellow men, what is the standard rate of reply for the messages you sent out? Iā€™m lucky if I get one response in 10 and itā€™s starting to get really, really frustrating. I also canā€™t stand the small-talk aspect of it all, where everyone Always Ends With A Question. I suppose that, as a feller, I have a different perspective of online dating, but dangit, if I see someone with a cool profile, I want to just meet for coffee real quick, not spend weeks schmoozing for the chance to not like them in person. :mad: And whatā€™s the deal with people asking to be my facebook friend before weā€™ve even met in person? Are they trying to verify that I am, in fact, single, and who I say I am? By the way, we have a LOT of lurkers in this thread. I posted my profile and got nearly 30 hits from people not in my area over the next three days. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2011, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2304 "2011-10-10T18:27:54Z")
> [@Rex\_Goliath](#): > > Fellow men, what is the standard rate of reply for the messages you sent out? Iā€™m lucky if I get one response in 10 and itā€™s starting to get really, really frustrating. IIRC, according to OkTrends, OkCupidā€™s blog, the average response rate for men is ~25-33%. > [@](#): > > I also canā€™t stand the small-talk aspect of it all, where everyone Always Ends With A Question. I suppose that, as a feller, I have a different perspective of online dating, but dangit, if I see someone with a cool profile, I want to just meet for coffee real quick, not spend weeks schmoozing for the chance to not like them in person. :mad: It has nothing to do with being a feller. There are women in this very thread whoā€™ve expressed the same desire to meet ASAP. ---
**Author:** ![Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jimmy_Chitwood)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2011, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2305 "2011-10-10T19:09:03Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > Second question: I am making a batch of apple butter, inspired by [this thread.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=626949) I was chatting with my brother on FB, and one of the first things he said was not to take a little jar for her, if it was the first date. He dropped off before I had a chance to ask why. Why is that not a good idea? I was actually kind of leaning towards taking some. Faint heart never won fair lady. Here is a story to explain why I disagree with the others about this: When I was active on OKC, I had a first meeting/lunch date thing with a girl who is really, really good at baking, like professional-on-the-side kind of good. At the end of the date, she produced a cupcake from somewhere and handed it to me. I said something about how nice that was since her cupcakes were a hot commodity, and she said well, I wasnā€™t going to give it to you unless I liked you. Smooth, right? And after two hours getting to know each other it wasnā€™t awkward the way it could have been if she had come around the corner holding it out; it was just nice. I totally believed her, too - if she thought (noticed) that I was a dumbass she would have just kept her cupcake and Iā€™d never have known any better, and since I knew that was true I didnā€™t feel guilty or pressured because of it - the pressure was already off. And from her perspective, she knew there was no way I wouldnā€™t be super impressed, so everybody won. So thatā€™s what Iā€™d recommend. Donā€™t spring it on her. Just happen to have it with you so you can choose to make the gesture if it seems appropriate once you know each other. You can give it to this person youā€™ve been talking to, rather than this person youā€™re just meeting right this second. Itā€™ll be nice. Plus itā€™s a bridge to the next date this way, since then she has to try it. Of course, if you donā€™t have a bag or a car or somewhere to leave it that might be difficult. ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2011, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2306 "2011-10-10T19:14:40Z")
> [@Rex\_Goliath](#): > > I suppose that, as a feller, I have a different perspective of online dating, but dangit, if I see someone with a cool profile, I want to just meet for coffee real quick, not spend weeks schmoozing for the chance to not like them in person. :mad: > > And whatā€™s the deal with people asking to be my facebook friend before weā€™ve even met in person? Are they trying to verify that I am, in fact, single, and who I say I am? Ask! Just ask! Iā€™m afraid Iā€™m one of those women who will schmooze away happily for months on end just because I like chatting and I enjoy the attention, but I will normally meet someone for a coffee or drink or video-Skype if they are further away if they ask me straight up. Why not ask and if they donā€™t want to meet, move on? As for the other question. I donā€™t ask anyone to be FB friends before weā€™ve met, but I do usually check the account if the date leaves any info to be found. Call me a stalker, but these people are just voices on the internet and if I can verify that they at least resemble who they say they are, I will. ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2011, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2307 "2011-10-10T20:16:30Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > IIRC, according to OkTrends, OkCupidā€™s blog, the average response rate for men is ~25-33%. I donā€™t know if I believe this or not. At least not for the mid/late 30 age group. I would send out 10-15 messages and get 1 back. Of those most wouldnā€™t respond back later on. I do know that on Match I got even fewer then that, probably 1 for ever 20-30 or more. In the year I used Match I got all of one date. I would say that the 1 in 10 isnā€™t all that out of line. ---
**Author:** ![interface2x](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@interface2x](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interface2x)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2011, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2308 "2011-10-10T23:48:23Z")
Iā€™ve been on Match for maybe five months now and in that time I received I think one message and one wink. Night before last, I updated my profile to describe a little bit more of my recent travels and since then, Iā€™ve received a couple of messages and couple of winks (though at least two of them were clearly spam). Whatā€™s up with that? Did my profile get featured in daily emails to some girls when I added more text or something? ---
**Author:** ![Trom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@Trom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trom)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2011, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2309 "2011-10-10T23:58:03Z")
Iā€™m batting 100%! Granted, Iā€™ve only sent one message, and it was to someone I already knewā€¦ ---
**Author:** ![The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_wind_of_my_soul)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2011, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2310 "2011-10-11T00:30:55Z")
> [@Rex\_Goliath](#): > > I also canā€™t stand the small-talk aspect of it all, where everyone Always Ends With A Question. I suppose that, as a feller, I have a different perspective of online dating, but dangit, if I see someone with a cool profile, I want to just meet for coffee real quick, not spend weeks schmoozing for the chance to not like them in person. :mad: Iā€™ve said no to some men who have asked me out too soon. My reasoning goes something like this: I have friends to hang out with, friends whose company I KNOW I enjoy. If Iā€™m going to decide to spend an evening with you instead of my friends, I want to be at least mildly confident that I will enjoy your company as well, and without a little small talk, I have no way of knowing that. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2011, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2311 "2011-10-11T01:27:06Z")
> [@Edward\_The\_Head](#): > > I donā€™t know if I believe this or not. At least not for the mid/late 30 age group. I would send out 10-15 messages and get 1 back. Of those most wouldnā€™t respond back later on. I do know that on Match I got even fewer then that, probably 1 for ever 20-30 or more. In the year I used Match I got all of one date. > > I would say that the 1 in 10 isnā€™t all that out of line. I would think the older the better response rate because people are more desiring of settling down. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2011, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2312 "2011-10-11T02:51:37Z")
The reason why you donā€™t pull out the apple butter on the first date is that she hasnā€™t had a chance to get to know you, so if you start busting out the tricks (ā€œIā€™m a great cook! I give good head! I can afford expensive wineā€) she will assume that is all there is to you. Sheā€™ll start thinking youā€™ve already played all of your good cards, and will mentally turn off since there is no longer an intellectual challenge. She doesnā€™t have to win you over, because she already did just by showing up. What a yawn. If you wait a bit, sheā€™ll have developed a bit of an intellectual and emotional bond with you. _Then_ you can start with the sweet gesture that show you care- because you really do care, not for a generic ā€œwoman,ā€ but for her as a person. In the girl with the cupcake anecdote, that is basically what she did. Picture, for a moment, you go on a first date and the girl has brought a dozen red roses. Youā€™d be taken aback, right? Youā€™d think there must be something wrong with her, or sheā€™s already invested too much in a relationship that doesnā€™t exist yet, or that she is compensating for something. You probably wouldnā€™t be too interested in cracking her mystery, would you? Whatā€™s she going to do next, skywrite ā€œI love you?ā€ The apple butter obviously isnā€™t on the same scale, but the basic concept is the same. > [@Rex\_Goliath](#): > > I also canā€™t stand the small-talk aspect of it all, where everyone Always Ends With A Question. I suppose that, as a feller, I have a different perspective of online dating, but dangit, if I see someone with a cool profile, I want to just meet for coffee real quick, not spend weeks schmoozing for the chance to not like them in person. :mad: Just ask. If she replies to your first message, that means she looked at your profile and is interested in getting to know you. Iā€™m always willing to meet people Iā€™ve messagedā€¦thatā€™s what the ā€œdatingā€ in online dating is all about, but I will wait for them to ask. Itā€™s a good sign of how interested they are. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2011, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2313 "2011-10-11T02:58:52Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > The reason why you donā€™t pull out the apple butter on the first date is that she hasnā€™t had a chance to get to know you, so if you start busting out the tricks (ā€œIā€™m a great cook! I give good head! I can afford expensive wineā€) she will assume that is all there is to you. Hey now, I have some class and tact. Nobody gets head until at least after dinner. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2011, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2314 "2011-10-11T03:04:58Z")
Oh yes, and **Jimmy Chitwood,** that is an excellent anecdote. I would like to say that I would have played it like that, but this is probably imagination! Think sheā€™d guess something was up if I walked around with a pint canning jar in my pocket the whole time? ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2011, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2315 "2011-10-11T03:12:22Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > I would think the older the better response rate because people are more desiring of settling down. Wanting to settle down makes you a lot more picky. Older people also tend to be busier, are less likely to be ā€œnew in townā€ and looking for new social circles, and generally just less given to being randomly social. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2011, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2316 "2011-10-11T03:14:45Z")
> [@Edward\_The\_Head](#): > > I donā€™t know if I believe this or not. At least not for the mid/late 30 age group. I would send out 10-15 messages and get 1 back. Of those most wouldnā€™t respond back later on. I do know that on Match I got even fewer then that, probably 1 for ever 20-30 or more. In the year I used Match I got all of one date. > > I would say that the 1 in 10 isnā€™t all that out of line. I am probably around 1 in 10 on average. Sometimes I do better, but right now itā€™s a little dry. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2011, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2317 "2011-10-12T18:00:01Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > The reason why you donā€™t pull out the apple butter on the first date is that she hasnā€™t had a chance to get to know you, so if you start busting out the tricks (ā€œIā€™m a great cook! I give good head! I can afford expensive wineā€) she will assume that is all there is to you. Funny, my thinking is almost the opposite: donā€™t give gifts to people until you know ā€“ or at least have an idea of ā€“ whether they will like it. If I get a flower or a clock (yes, it happened) on a first date, to me it says that the guy cares more about what he likes than what I likeā€¦it also says that heā€™s trying too hard. (Just goes to show that weā€™re all indiviudals, and that thereā€™s no ā€œhow to date womenā€ handbook. ;)) ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2011, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2318 "2011-10-13T13:11:45Z")
For the women in the thread, a (work safe) Venn diagram for your enjoyment: [Men](http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/305229_684269750856_8500893_35056960_1857384523_n.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![elmwood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmwood/32/3060_2.png) [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2011, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2319 "2011-10-13T13:40:11Z")
Well, I finally did it. In the small town that Iā€™ll probably be calling home for the next couple of decades, on Match and OkCupid, there are no more peer women (e.g. educated, not uber-crunchy hippies, not grannies, not land whales) that would consider dating anyone my age. For the peer women that were out there, I either met them, or they ignored or rejected my messages. The online dating pool has completely dried up. Itā€™s going to be a long, cold winter. Either that, or a lot of hour-long treks to Syracuse to hear the same ā€œyouā€™re a great guy, but there just wasnā€™t any chemistryā€ lines I get from the women here. Strangely, I seem to generate a lot of interest from women who are much older than me. No. Weā€™re talking the age of AARP eligibility and older. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2011, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2320 "2011-10-13T14:33:36Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Funny, my thinking is almost the opposite: donā€™t give gifts to people until you know ā€“ or at least have an idea of ā€“ whether they will like it. If I get a flower or a clock (yes, it happened) on a first date, to me it says that the guy cares more about what he likes than what I likeā€¦it also says that heā€™s trying too hard. I think itā€™s the same concept- ā€œI donā€™t have much to offer- Quick, hereā€™s a shiny gee-gaw!ā€ ---
**Author:** ![elmwood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmwood/32/3060_2.png) [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2011, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2321 "2011-10-13T15:01:36Z")
> [@elmwood](#): > > Strangely, I seem to generate a lot of interest from women who are much older than me. No. Weā€™re talking the age of AARP eligibility and older. Aaaaaaand ā€¦ I just got a message from a 59 year old woman. Iā€™m 45. FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=115) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=117)