# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 119
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2362 "2011-10-24T20:18:08Z")
Congrats, **AClockworkMelon**! > [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > I’ve now exchanged 40+ messages including emails with a woman from OkC in a month and a half. She asked me out, but I turned her down because of my money situation. Yet we still are chatting. I’m getting bored of the online thing, still think she sounds interesting, but I’m still too broke to date. I’m not sure what to do next. Get off the dating site until you can afford to go on dates? ---
**Author:** ![MareIt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ea666f/32.png) [@MareIt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MareIt)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2011, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2363 "2011-10-25T00:13:05Z")
Just a PSA… If you message me with some particularly egregious spelling, text speak and grammar, you had better have a decent profile already created. Not, no pictures, no details and none of the sections filled in, not even the “your favorite foods” question. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2011, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2364 "2011-10-25T15:11:52Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Uh… > > An introductory message from a girl usually means “Hey, check out my profile and if you find me attractive, let’s talk.” An introductory message (from anyone) isn’t “You are cute.” It is ridiculous to suggest that this is acceptable just because she’s a woman. Or that IC is on some sort of false high ground because he’s reluctant to respond to that. One-liners as an introductory message can be okay, but at least make them profile specific. > [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > I was hoping that **even sven** would be the one to handle that question. I was kind of hoping the opposite. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2011, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2365 "2011-10-25T16:32:11Z")
> [@Mauvaise](#): > > An introductory message (from anyone) isn’t “You are cute.” It is ridiculous to suggest that this is acceptable just because she’s a woman. Or that IC is on some sort of false high ground because he’s reluctant to respond to that. Can you see, for a moment, the hint of resentfulness that I think is not very well adapted to a happy dating life? A “Your cute” message may not be effective. It doesn’t really communicate a lot about yourself as a person or sell you as a potential date. But of course it’s acceptable. How can a dating strategy (short of deception and ethical breeches) be unacceptable? When you start saying “it’s not acceptable” or “she shouldn’t be able to get away with it” or “I don’t reward bad behavior” you are implying that women you’ve never met somehow owe you, on some kind of moral level, a certain amount of attention. And women can spot that self-pitying chip-on-shoulder nice-guy resentfulness a mile away, and it’s really unattractive. If **IC** , as he apparently does, has lots of options, by all means use whatever criteria you want to weed them out. You gotta do it somehow, and a lame intro message does usually mean that person might not be a great date. But if he does think she would be a good date, and is simply not replying to make some kind of grand point about “Women shouldn’t have it so easy in dating it’s just not faaaaaaaair!” well, then, the point is going to be lost and he’s going to miss out on something that might be good to make a point that nobody is going to hear. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2011, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2366 "2011-10-25T16:43:53Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > When you start saying “it’s not acceptable” or “she shouldn’t be able to get away with it” or “I don’t reward bad behavior” you are implying that women you’ve never met somehow owe you, on some kind of moral level, a certain amount of attention. And women can spot that self-pitying chip-on-shoulder nice-guy resentfulness a mile away, and it’s really unattractive. But it’s ok for women to some how feel owed a certain amount of attention? In the same posted I quoted, you went on to say: > [@](#): > > The reason why girls want guys to mention something specific is that a lot of guys just spam any female, and it’s not fun to end up in a conversation with someone who isn’t actually specifically interested in you personally and actually has no idea which of the 1,000 ladies he’s spammed you are. Which to me seems to be saying that women shouldn’t be held to the same standards as men on dating sites. That men should somehow be required to prove themselves in their introductory message that they are worthy of a woman’s attention, but a woman, just because she’s a woman, should merely have to say “Hi”. As though just be deigning to acknowledge a man is enough work on her part? :rolleyes: I could be wrong, but that is the perception I get from your posts, both here and elsewhere, when it comes to dating. It’s hypocritical and I think we should hold both men and women to the exact same standards. For the record, when I say it’s not acceptable, I meant that I would never respond to a man who sent me a “You are cute” introduction. If I had previously noted his profile and thought he was interesting, that type of email would kill attraction for me. As would bad grammar and spelling. I certainly don’t fault IC (or any other man) for feeling the same about a woman who would send a similar first email. ---
**Author:** ![Clumsy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Clumsy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clumsy)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2011, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2367 "2011-10-25T17:07:20Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > (short of deception and ethical breeches) You demand trousers of high moral character? o.O ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2011, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2368 "2011-10-25T17:37:50Z")
> [@Mauvaise](#): > > But it’s ok for women to some how feel owed a certain amount of attention? Well, anyone can feel owed any amount of attention they feel like feeling owed. I don’t think there are a lot of “shoulds” or “standards” in dating (beyond basic human decency). There is no moral element in this, there is just what is an effective or ineffective way to end up on a date with a partner you find attractive. For women, in most cases, a one-liner generally isn’t going to lead to a date with a partner they find attractive, because most one-liners are spam and spam doesn’t lead to fun dates with potential long term partners. Responding to them isn’t a good dating strategy. For men, there are fewer one-liners and few first approaches in general. A one-liner is less likely to be spam and more likely to lead to a date. **IC** apparently found this partner physically attractive and liked her profile. In my thinking, if the goal is to go one a date with a parter he finds attractive, it seems counterproductive to then pass up an opportunity to go on a date with a partner he finds attractive. If he has some visceral reaction against one-liners, or has better candidates and can’t waste time on someone with a mark against them, or if he genuinely feels that she has demonstrated in a real way that a date with her would be unpleasant…well, by all means don’t follow up. You seem like you fall into this category. I usually do, too. But to be sitting at home when you could be out with a cute girl with a nice profile seems like a poor dating strategy. That’s really all there is to it. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2011, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2369 "2011-10-25T18:18:17Z")
> [@Mauvaise](#): > > For the record, when I say it’s not acceptable, I meant that I would never respond to a man who sent me a “You are cute” introduction. If I had previously noted his profile and thought he was interesting, that type of email would kill attraction for me. As would bad grammar and spelling. I certainly don’t fault IC (or any other man) for feeling the same about a woman who would send a similar first email. This is where I slightly differ with you. If I hadn’t noticed her profile before, I would have immediately dismissed this message and not given it another thought. Because I had noticed her profile and found it interesting, I was willing to give her another chance. I checked out her profile again and it is interesting and well written. In fact, she prides herself on being a good writer. That is why I find her messages so irritating that I posted about it here. > [@even\_sven](#): > > For men, there are fewer one-liners and few first approaches in general. A one-liner is less likely to be spam and more likely to lead to a date. **IC** apparently found this partner physically attractive and liked her profile. In my thinking, if the goal is to go one a date with a parter he finds attractive, it seems counterproductive to then pass up an opportunity to go on a date with a partner he finds attractive. > > If he has some visceral reaction against one-liners, or has better candidates and can’t waste time on someone with a mark against them, or if he genuinely feels that she has demonstrated in a real way that a date with her would be unpleasant…well, by all means don’t follow up. You seem like you fall into this category. I usually do, too. > > But to be sitting at home when you could be out with a cute girl with a nice profile seems like a poor dating strategy. That’s really all there is to it. I get plenty of one liners. They are often the most effective openers as long as they aren’t totally generic. I can’t remember who said it in this thread and can’t be arsed to look it up, but someone suggested, half-jokingly I believe, but there is a lot of truth to it, that there are three parts of wanting to be in a relationship with someone: 1)You want to have sex with them. She is attractive. Check. 2)You enjoy spending time with them. Based on her profile, we have a lot in common. Check. 3)You enjoy talking to them. Based on her messages, this is a fail. ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2011, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2370 "2011-11-05T11:38:53Z")
I am getting really sick of girls putting pictures up with more than one person in them. There was one I saw where all it was was multiple blondes who all looked like fraternal twins. I was actually so annoyed I wrote her and told her to take all her pictures off and put up at least one of only her. Jesus women, you may know what you look like, but I don’t give a shit about your friends just yet, I want to see you! GRRRRRR ---
**Author:** ![alexandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e68b1a/32.png) [@alexandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alexandra)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2011, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2371 "2011-11-05T12:02:29Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > A 96% match on OkC had been stalking my profile lately. Tonight she finally messaged me the one liner, “You are cute.” At least it wasn’t “Ur cute.” I had checked out her profile before and liked what she wrote there. I’m puzzled how someone who wrote a great profile could sent such a shitty message. I’m tempted to reply, but I don’t want to reward bad behavior. Just because she’s an attractive chick it shouldn’t be that easy. If I do reply, I think I’ll go with the simple “So are you.” What do you think? I’m with you here. It’s a shitty message. I dunno about not rewarding bad behaviour, but it just makes me think that the sender isn’t very interesting. I got a message from a girl the other day which amounted to ‘how are you today’. I messaged her back because her profile made her seem pretty cool, but her second message was so generic, I gave up. As a woman who gets numerous shitty messages from men (not trying to sneak boast here - I’m pretty confident they are most likely emailing any 20-35 year old woman whose profile says looking for casual sex) I always include something referencing the recipient’s profile when I write to people. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2011, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2372 "2011-11-05T14:04:25Z")
> [@EvilTOJ](#): > > I was actually so annoyed I wrote her and told her to take all her pictures off and put up at least one of only her. Did she obey you? ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2011, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2373 "2011-11-05T14:10:35Z")
> [@EvilTOJ](#): > > I am getting really sick of girls putting pictures up with more than one person in them. There was one I saw where all it was was multiple blondes who all looked like fraternal twins. I was actually so annoyed I wrote her and told her to take all her pictures off and put up at least one of only her. Jesus women, you may know what you look like, but I don’t give a shit about your friends just yet, I want to see you! GRRRRRR I don’t have a problem with that, what my problem is (and what I think you’re getting at) is when some has 10 pictures up and they’re all group pictures. Especially when it’s all more or less the same group of girls. I, honestly, have no idea when person I’m supposed to be looking at. At the very least, caption the damn pictures. (Third from the left. On the right. I have the baseball hat on…) I don’t mind pictures with friends, sometimes it’s good to get a feel for who they hang out with and what they look like ‘in the wild’. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2011, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2374 "2011-11-05T14:31:44Z")
> [@EvilTOJ](#): > > I am getting really sick of girls putting pictures up with more than one person in them. There was one I saw where all it was was multiple blondes who all looked like fraternal twins. I was actually so annoyed I wrote her and told her to take all her pictures off and put up at least one of only her. Jesus women, you may know what you look like, but I don’t give a shit about your friends just yet, I want to see you! GRRRRRR > [@Muffin](#): > > Did she obey you? ‘Telling’ a woman you don’t know to do something is odd behavior. ‘Telling’ a woman you DO know is as well, for that matter. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2011, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2375 "2011-11-16T03:21:18Z")
Zoosk: Just went to sign up for Zoosk, and they require either validation by Facebook or phone #. I don’t want a bunch of crap from them on either, anyone have any advice as to which is less intrusive? ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2011, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2376 "2011-11-16T04:10:11Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > Zoosk: > > Just went to sign up for Zoosk, and they require either validation by Facebook or phone #. > > I don’t want a bunch of crap from them on either, anyone have any advice as to which is less intrusive? Aren’t you already on OkC and Match? Do you need a third dating site? If you do need a third site, I’d validate via FB, then “unsubscribe” from them so they wouldn’t show up in my feed. YMMV ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2011, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2377 "2011-11-16T17:50:42Z")
Thank you for keeping track, I had almost forgotten where I have profiles. I am not currently active on Match. I have about milked OKC for all its worth. On POF, but POF hasn’t been much of a producer. Friend was talking about Zoosk this weekend, so I thought I’d look at it. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2011, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2378 "2011-11-16T18:01:18Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > Aren’t you already on OkC and Match? Do you need a third dating site? What does it matter? What’s the harm in being on a bunch of different sites? ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2011, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2379 "2011-11-16T18:10:01Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > What does it matter? What’s the harm in being on a bunch of different sites? If you’re active on a bunch of sites it’s a bit of a time commitment is all. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2380 "2011-11-27T03:14:18Z")
Ya know, I can usually spot a fake profile in a couple of ways. The pictures are usually somewhat generic and never local (duh). The English is always a bit spotty and almost every fake female profile loves to “go to cinema” as well as “treat her man well” etc. I really never understood why the people that set up these fake profiles can’t find someone that speaks English as a first language to clean them up (or write them to begin with). Whenever I read them, I swear, in my head, I can’t help but read them with a thick Romanian/Serbian/Russian/Central European accent…And even though I know the picture is fake and it’s not some cute girl from Milwaukee, I still have to remind myself that the person behind the profile isn’t Svetlana…it’s Peggy from the Discover Card commercials (who, as it turns out, is actually from Romania). Anyways, I just felt like posting this one as I’m pretty sure it’s the first profile that I’ve run across that appears to have been translated via babelfish. > [@](#): > > You are going to have one of those “very seldom” moments! I can force to smile you because all like I, and you will be, also! You are going to meet > someone who is not so captious as you possibly think, that I. My friends say, that I - that each woman wants. Physically, I think, that my best > feature - my eyes. The best relations which I had in the finished past because I wanted the partner which divides more than my interests. I wish, > that men would understand, that women are always in an impulse to marry and have children. If you think, that I seem the reference after reading of this profile, I hope, that you expect too much when we meet. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2381 "2011-11-27T03:41:21Z")
Quick update- I’ve been seeing a guy I met through OKC (and I also met, concurrently, in real life without knowing he was the guy I was chatting up on OKC) for a couple moths now, and it’s starting to look like it has potential to become pretty seriously. For those critiquing my dating technique, this is my “casual fling” guy. It turns out we were a pretty good match! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=118) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=120)