# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 121
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2011, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2402 "2011-12-01T20:46:16Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > I would believe you were just being nice unless and until you contacted me later. Would you be annoyed that (in your opinion) I felt the need to make some kind of excuse? Should I just have said “thanks but no thanks,” then worried about contacting him later if/when it came up? (Again, I know none of this really matters; it’s not like I’m losing sleep, I’m just curious. :)) ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2011, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2403 "2011-12-01T22:41:40Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Would you be annoyed that (in your opinion) I felt the need to make some kind of excuse? Should I just have said “thanks but no thanks,” then worried about contacting him later if/when it came up? > > (Again, I know none of this really matters; it’s not like I’m losing sleep, I’m just curious. :)) It is almost always a better idea to be nice than not, although sometimes guys on dating sites take a polite rejection as a challenge. If you said thanks, but no thanks and then tried to contact me later, I’d ignore you. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2011, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2404 "2011-12-02T22:00:28Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > It is almost always a better idea to be nice than not, although sometimes guys on dating sites take a polite rejection as a challenge. If you said thanks, but no thanks and then tried to contact me later, I’d ignore you. So I might actually have done the right thing…cool! 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2011, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2405 "2011-12-02T23:45:00Z")
So…I just had something odd happen. I just got off the phone with someone from Match. The odd thing is the the only reason we were on the phone is because it was a wrong number. She clearly meant to pick someone else in her contacts list named Joe. Me: Hello Her: Hi Joe It’s Norma (made up name). _I quickly thought about this. I only know two Normas. One of them was from college and his a thick Texas drawl, and the other one is from Match and never made it beyond the phone call stage. I was only about 50% sure it was the Match girl as opposed to a random wrong number, but I also assumed it was a misdial on her part and sort of wanted to give her the option of hanging up with some dignity if that was the case._ Me:Norma? Her: Is this Joe Smith Me: No Her: Sorry, must have the wrong number Me: Ok, bye. I’m assuming after we hung up she figured out who she actually called. Luckily the only reason that phone call didn’t get _really_ awkward is because her number is one of a handful that, for some odd reason, didn’t transfer over from my old phone. If it had when she said “Hi Joe, it’s Norma” instead of saying “Norma?” I would have something more along the lines of “Hi there, how’s it going.” Depending on who she thought she was calling the call may have made it a few sentences in before she realized I wasn’t who she thought I was and had to stop the conversation. ---
**Author:** ![elmwood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmwood/32/3060_2.png) [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2011, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2406 "2011-12-26T17:07:04Z")
A strange observation: about 20% of the women with profiles on OkCupid around claim to own a motorcycle, more often than not a Harley. It’s not just the “simple country girls”, but also educated city-dwellers. Of all the women I know, none have ever owned a Harley. Sure, they might fantasize about it if they win the lottery, but in reality, no. Do biker chicks have a greater tendency to use online dating? Do large numbers of middle-aged women run out and buy motorcycles after they get divorced? ---
**Author:** ![Trom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@Trom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trom)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2011, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2407 "2011-12-26T17:28:51Z")
> [@elmwood](#): > > A strange observation: about 20% of the women with profiles on OkCupid around claim to own a motorcycle, more often than not a Harley. It’s not just the “simple country girls”, but also educated city-dwellers. > > Of all the women I know, none have ever owned a Harley. Sure, they might fantasize about it if they win the lottery, but in reality, no. Do biker chicks have a greater tendency to use online dating? Do large numbers of middle-aged women run out and buy motorcycles after they get divorced? 90% of twenty-somethings LOVE LOVE LOVE Davis Sedaris! ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2011, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2408 "2011-12-26T17:42:53Z")
> [@elmwood](#): > > A strange observation: about 20% of the women with profiles on OkCupid around claim to own a motorcycle, more often than not a Harley. It’s not just the “simple country girls”, but also educated city-dwellers. > > Of all the women I know, none have ever owned a Harley. Sure, they might fantasize about it if they win the lottery, but in reality, no. Do biker chicks have a greater tendency to use online dating? Do large numbers of middle-aged women run out and buy motorcycles after they get divorced? Hmmm, I’ve run across a very small handful of girls on OKC and Match with motorcycles (not just claiming to own one, but actually in pictures with their bikes). Probably about the same percentage of girls I know IRL with bikes (and some of them are Harleys). ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2011, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2409 "2011-12-28T13:20:49Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > > [@elmwood](#): > > > > A strange observation: about 20% of the women with profiles on OkCupid around claim to own a motorcycle, more often than not a Harley. > > Hmmm, I’ve run across a very small handful of girls on OKC and Match with motorcycles So has **elmwood** : 1/5 (of the profiles that he’s seen) is not a lot. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2012, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2410 "2012-01-12T21:38:43Z")
Hallelujah! OkC has just made the their children option much more useful. Now you can select has a kid, has kids, or doesn’t have kids. I don’t have kids, which gave me more options: wants kids, might want kids, or doesn’t want kids. I was torn between might want kids and doesn’t want kids. I chose might want kids. ---
**Author:** ![ataraxy22](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ataraxy22/32/307_2.png) [@ataraxy22](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ataraxy22)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2411 "2012-01-16T07:02:58Z")
Wow, this thread is very, very long! I was in a two year, long-distance relationship that ended back in October. As it’s been a few months now, I’ve returned to looking for someone new on Okcupid. I’m looking to date someone close this time, as seeing each other once every two months is just not enough to sustain a relationship for me, especially when there is no end in sight to the distance. I updated my profile and added some decent, recent pictures of myself. To my pleasant surprise, a handful of women have contacted me on their own initiatives in the past few weeks. No dates yet, but one who contacted me postponed a dinner date from last week to this week due to being busy. I’d take that as a bad sign (fading interest) if I had contacted her originally, but I’ll just have to see how it goes this week, assuming we do actually meet as planned. Dating website profiles tend to all blur together in my mind, but I found one that really stood out last Monday and sent her a message post haste. She wrote back almost immediately saying that she liked my profile too. We exchanged a couple more messages over the next few days. I gave her my email address, and she sent a long message within 2 hours, ending with her saying that I was the cutest guy that had contacted her in a long time. I emailed her back the next day (that would be last Thursday), but so far have heard nothing more. Perhaps I should have been more aggressive and asked her out then, or at least given her my phone number? It’s been a 3-day weekend with the Monday holiday, and people travel sometimes or are busy, but nonetheless for the past couple days I’ve been running through my head all the possible scenarios for why she hasn’t written back yet. I do realize this is silly, yes, but I am nonetheless currently holding my breath here… ---
**Author:** ![Dervorin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Dervorin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dervorin)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2412 "2012-01-16T13:02:43Z")
Well, since I’m after some advice here anyway, I might as well extend this thread, rather than start a new one. In brief, here is the sequence of events: [ul] [li]Signed up to dating site[/li][li]Exchanged emails with various women[/li][li]Went on a couple of dates[/li][li]Got sent off to Abu Dhabi for work[/li][li]Told said women that this was going to happen, and that I’d get in touch with them when I got back at the end of January[/li][li]Midway through my work trip, got involved with a friend of a friend (and this has rather suddenly become more than just a fling)[/li][li]Haven’t got in touch with the various women mentioned above (though I’m not back home yet)[/li][/ul] What’s the best way of telling them that “Thanks, but unfortunately someone else came along and I’m no longer single”? I don’t want to just not say anything after saying I would; that seems rather rude. Or is that the best option? Ah, the irony. You spend over a year single and then have to turn down women. It doesn’t seem fair, somehow. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2413 "2012-01-16T17:12:35Z")
**ataraxy22** , you could always try a follow-up, but of you don’t get a response, don’t bother sending a third. **Dervorin** , you can tell them, but ignoring people - and getting ignored is a fact of life on dating sites, so don’t feel horrible if you decide to do that instead. If you’re on OkCupid, I would simply change my status to seeing someone if I were you and they would get the message. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2414 "2012-01-16T17:20:22Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > Hallelujah! OkC has just made the their children option much more useful. Now you can select has a kid, has kids, or doesn’t have kids. I don’t have kids, which gave me more options: wants kids, might want kids, or doesn’t want kids. I was torn between might want kids and doesn’t want kids. I chose might want kids. I always get confused with that. (Wait, let me finish). I have a kid so if I don’t want more and I pick (for example) “Doesn’t want children” it makes me feel like I’m saying I don’t want my children/child. I always wonder if I’m the only person confused by this. I just looked at the options on OKC and I see it’s _much_ clearer then on Match. If you chose that you have a kid then the options are might want more/don’t want more/want more. That’s much better. As of right now, there’s a question about looking for someone to have kids with and I explained my feelings about more kids in that question. Not that I’m expecting everyone that runs across my profile to look through all my answers, but if it’s important to them, I’d imagine they might check to see if I answered that one. I know there’s a few key questions I check to see if potential matches answered. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2415 "2012-01-16T17:21:10Z")
> [@Dervorin](#): > > [li]Went on a couple of dates[/li] > \ > > What’s the best way of telling them that “Thanks, but unfortunately someone else came along and I’m no longer single”? I don’t want to just not say anything after saying I would; that seems rather rude. Or is that the best option? If it was truly only a couple of dates and there was no physical intimacy (beyond kissing) I don’t think you you need to do anything more than send them an email letting them know you’re no longer available and you wish them well. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2416 "2012-01-16T17:27:38Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > I always get confused with that. (Wait, let me finish). I have a kid so if I don’t want more and I pick (for example) “Doesn’t want children” it makes me feel like I’m saying I don’t want my children/child. I always wonder if I’m the only person confused by this. I’m not confused by it, but I do notice how awkwardly phrased it is. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2417 "2012-01-16T17:31:52Z")
> [@Mauvaise](#): > > If it was truly only a couple of dates and there was no physical intimacy (beyond kissing) I don’t think you you need to do anything more than send them an email letting them know you’re no longer available and you wish them well. And that’s just if you want to be nice. I think if you met these people on a dating site, and you aren’t likely to run into them anywhere (that is, you don’t live 2 blocks from them, don’t shop at the same stores etc), they likely aren’t expecting you to email them again to begin with and have probably already moved on. Not only that, they might not want to hear from you after all this time just to be told you’ve found someone else. As IC said, if you just change your status to “Seeing Someone” they’ll get the idea. If you just never sign on again, they’ll get the idea as well. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2418 "2012-01-16T17:35:57Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > I’m not confused by it, but I do notice how awkwardly phrased it is. On Match you’re options are Have Children: Yes/No Want Children: Yes/No/Maybe. So if I have children, but don’t want more it would look like this: Have children: Yes Want Children: No. To me, that always looked odd and I wish it would be phrased as “Want (more) Children”. I wonder how many people on Match put “Yes” for “Want Children” just so it didn’t look like they didn’t want their own children. I like the way OKC has it. ---
**Author:** ![Dervorin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Dervorin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dervorin)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2419 "2012-01-16T18:03:58Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > **Dervorin** , you can tell them, but ignoring people - and getting ignored is a fact of life on dating sites, so don’t feel horrible if you decide to do that instead. If you’re on OkCupid, I would simply change my status to seeing someone if I were you and they would get the message. I’ve already taken down my profile and made it invisible, so that’s not a worry. It’s just the odd concatenation of circumstances that makes it a bit awkward, I guess. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2420 "2012-01-16T18:28:40Z")
> [@Dervorin](#): > > I’ve already taken down my profile and made it invisible, so that’s not a worry. It’s just the odd concatenation of circumstances that makes it a bit awkward, I guess. I would just move on then. As IC said, getting ignored is sort of par for the course on these sites. Also, if you find yourself back on OKC some time in the next few months you can email them _then_ and tell them what happened and that you’re still interested. But you might be burning a bridge if you show up after all this time just to tell them you’ve found someone else. Trust me, they’re not sitting there waiting for you. Besides, if they’re still active and if they happened to notice that you were online when you closed your account, they probably also noticed that your profile picture just disappeared in their inbox. That’s also a pretty good indication that someone is done with the site. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2421 "2012-01-16T18:44:05Z")
> [@ataraxy22](#): > > Dating website profiles tend to all blur together in my mind, but I found one that really stood out last Monday and sent her a message post haste. She wrote back almost immediately saying that she liked my profile too. We exchanged a couple more messages over the next few days. I gave her my email address, and she sent a long message within 2 hours, ending with her saying that I was the cutest guy that had contacted her in a long time. I emailed her back the next day (that would be last Thursday), but so far have heard nothing more. Perhaps I should have been more aggressive and asked her out then, or at least given her my phone number? It’s been a 3-day weekend with the Monday holiday, and people travel sometimes or are busy, but nonetheless for the past couple days I’ve been running through my head all the possible scenarios for why she hasn’t written back yet. I do realize this is silly, yes, but I am nonetheless currently holding my breath here… She’s probably just travelling. By all means, ask her out on your next exchange. It’s an online dating site, not a penpal service after all. If two people have established mutual interest, it should move on to an invite ASAP. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=120) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=122)