# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 122
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2012, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2422 "2012-01-16T22:47:38Z")
> [@Dervorin](#): > > What’s the best way of telling them that “Thanks, but unfortunately someone else came along and I’m no longer single” Actually, I think you should say pretty much just that. Rather than nothing. I personally _hate_ being ignored - it really makes me anxious. I much prefer a polite, clear and respectful rejection. You don’t need to apologize or anything, no one is obliged to date anyone else and especially at a dating site it is accepted that there’s always a good possibility that someone finds someone who isn’t you. But personally, I would appreciate the closure, the certainty and the respect and it’s just a few minutes of your time. ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2012, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2423 "2012-01-25T18:30:27Z")
Is it okay to join this thread, although I’ve not read all 49 pages? 🙂 I’ve been on the UK plentyoffish site for over a year now, had a few casual chats, made facebook friends with two guys, but never made it to meeting in person. I’ve now got my sister/best friend agreeing to babysit so I might actually make it out on dates. The main reason I’m joining now is, I had long chats with a guy two cities away who had various good qualities, but also (a) still lived in the house with his wife, although divorce paperwork had allegedly been filed (b) sent me rambling incoherent emails in the middle of the night a few times, (c) seemed to work 6 days a week, 12 hours a day, (d) repeatedly asked how many other men I was emailling, and (e) even when I’d told him it was just the one, referred to how he suspected I had a “large scale approach” to dating. He was the most intriguing of the chats I’ve had, but tell me I did the right thing when I politely told him that actually, the distance was too big to maintain a relationship over? Especially seeing as he took it okay and sent me a nice message back ☹ ---
**Author:** ![dublos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f08c70/32.png) [@dublos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dublos)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2012, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2424 "2012-01-25T21:54:54Z")
> [@hermette](#): > > (a) still lived in the house with his wife, although divorce paperwork had allegedly been filed (b) sent me rambling incoherent emails in the middle of the night a few times, (c) seemed to work 6 days a week, 12 hours a day, (d) repeatedly asked how many other men I was emailling, and (e) even when I’d told him it was just the one, referred to how he suspected I had a “large scale approach” to dating. Asking once is reasonable.. though it can still get my hackles up. Asking repeatedly.. Danger Will Robinson Danger! (Which is mildly sad since it reminds me that the voice behind that quote recently died.. ) I’m a very strong advocate of listening to your gut in those situations.. you wouldn’t have put the paragraph that way if you didn’t already have a strong feeling about that being wrong, and hence your letting him down nicely. ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2012, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2425 "2012-01-26T18:37:07Z")
> [@dublos](#): > > I’m a very strong advocate of listening to your gut in those situations.. you wouldn’t have put the paragraph that way if you didn’t already have a strong feeling about that being wrong, and hence your letting him down nicely. Thanks, yeah, you’re right, I did the right thing, listened to my gut, gave him a nice let-down, didn’t have him go psycho on me, so why am I suffering dumpers-regret now? Dammit, why can’t I like the nice-boring-normal guys, rather than the possessive-messed up one! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2426 "2012-01-30T00:52:14Z")
So, is it generally awkward to use Facebook like it’s Okcupid? i.e. send someone you recently met casually/didn’t get much of a chance to talk to, friended on Facebook (they accepted with alacrity), and are interested in, a PM like ‘we should hang out sometime’? Or should one give it time as FB friends and attempt to establish some sort of relationship first? This seems difficult because I have a complex about ‘bothering’ people through chat… and I comment on all sorts of people’s posts, so it wouldn’t be clear I liked him like _that_ if I just reply to a lot of his statuses. Also I don’t want to seem like a stalker. My inclination is to go for it since I’ll never see him again IRL and if I make him feel weird he can just unfriend me. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2012, 7:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2427 "2012-01-30T07:00:49Z")
Yup, I’d go for it! ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2012, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2428 "2012-02-02T02:31:35Z")
Seconded: Go for it. Well I was off the market for a couple months there, but I’m back on OKC, Match, and POF. Actually met somebody who was really a pretty awesome match…but she was still married, her husband it an alcoholic prick, and there will be drama there for a while. So unfortunately, not something that would work out right now. I understand now why women had no interest in dating a guy who was still in the process of a divorce 🙂 And honestly, I’m in such a better place now, anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2012, 8:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2429 "2012-02-02T08:17:56Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > I understand now why women had no interest in dating a guy who was still in the process of a divorce 🙂 And honestly, I’m in such a better place now, anyway. Thank you, I’ve just updated my profile to say I’m now fully divorced - wonder if that had been putting men off! ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2012, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2430 "2012-02-03T02:25:02Z")
Guess you’ll know shortly! ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2012, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2431 "2012-02-03T02:31:15Z")
I messaged him today, and feel a sense of relief. 😃 This being single thing is hard/weird. Definitely not ready to dip my toes into _real_ (online) dating. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2012, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2432 "2012-02-06T05:22:58Z")
Whoah…ok, I need another perspective here. The story up until now: Messaged somebody on Match on Wednesday. She messaged back and we traded several e-mails between Wed night and Thurs morning. We both are runners and agreed to go out for a run…the earliest we could both make it in the evening is this coming Wednesday (I was out of town Fri-Sun night). We mailed and texted a little more on Thursday, and I mentioned it would be nice to meet for coffee some time before our run. We looked at a couple options and were having a hard time coordinating, so the conversation moved on to other things. Later, she interjected in the conversation “Ok, we really need to meet before you leave this weekend”. Fantastic, thought I, and we worked out coffee on Friday morning. Coffee went great, really well…and the follow-up was fantastic. I mentioned yesterday that I might actually be able to make it for coffee tomorrow, and her response was ‘I would like that’, so now we’re meeting again first thing in the morning. Hammered out the exact details for Wed. tonight (she wanted me to show her the trails that I like to run on), and I asked if she had time after the run ,since it gets dark early and there’d be plenty of time for something after…figure what the hell, she seems to be in to me from the things she says so far. Her reply was she doesn’t have to be home any certain time, what am I thinking. So I threw out a couple of options: 1) split up and go home and clean up, then meet up again afterward 2) since I only live a couple miles away, just change at my place and hang out here and make a quick dinner. I figured I was giving her ‘outs’ if she wasn’t comfortable with anything. She said she’s not shy and is fine eating here. So, in my mind, things are going well. What am I not seeing or need to watch out for? It seems too easy… ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2012, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2433 "2012-02-08T07:35:44Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > Guess you’ll know shortly! Well, since then, I’ve had two new messages - one asking if I’m up for back-door action, and one wanting to know if I like to be dominated. I think I can conclude my new divorced status is not sending out the message I intended! ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2012, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2434 "2012-02-08T13:15:32Z")
> [@hermette](#): > > Well, since then, I’ve had two new messages - one asking if I’m up for back-door action, and one wanting to know if I like to be dominated. > > I think I can conclude my new divorced status is not sending out the message I intended! Wait, we can ask that kind of stuff? No wonder I’m not getting anyone responding to me, I’m asking about what they like to do, not if they want some back-door action. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2012, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2435 "2012-02-08T15:51:22Z")
> [@hermette](#): > > Well, since then, I’ve had two new messages - one asking if I’m up for back-door action, and one wanting to know if I like to be dominated. > > I think I can conclude my new divorced status is not sending out the message I intended! You’re on POF, right? I wonder if that has anything to do with it…I have heard from others that POF is kind of known as a hookup site, though that hasn’t been my experience. So, making yourself available on POF might be misinterpreted as a signal that you’re, um, ready? Just spectulating!! The women on POF that i have met were very nice. Does make you wonder if those lines are working for somebody. People send good thoughts my way tonight…second date tonight with potential 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2012, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2436 "2012-02-08T17:48:05Z")
_thread-lurker sending good thoughts your way!_ ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2437 "2012-02-09T04:08:42Z")
> [@ArrMatey](#): > > _thread-lurker sending good thoughts your way!_ Wow thanks! I think it worked… ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 7:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2438 "2012-02-09T07:41:05Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > You’re on POF, right? I wonder if that has anything to do with it…I have heard from others that POF is kind of known as a hookup site, though that hasn’t been my experience. So, making yourself available on POF might be misinterpreted as a signal that you’re, um, ready? Just spectulating!! The women on POF that i have met were very nice. > > Does make you wonder if those lines are working for somebody. > People send good thoughts my way tonight…second date tonight with potential 🙂 Ah, I hadn’t heard that. Would you recommend OK Cupid then? Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2439 "2012-02-09T12:21:41Z")
> [@hermette](#): > > Ah, I hadn’t heard that. Would you recommend OK Cupid then? > > Good luck! I would! Its actually kind of fun, with the questions and quizzes. Maybe not as populated as POF or Match, but I ended up meeting few from there. If I recall, they have been compared and contrasted a couple different times in the thread, but good luck finding where! ---
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2440 "2012-02-09T16:51:33Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > Wow thanks! I think it worked… Don’t mean to brag, but I’m magic like that- I have an uncanny knack for getting other people together. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2012, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2441 "2012-02-09T18:32:30Z")
> [@ArrMatey](#): > > Don’t mean to brag, but I’m magic like that- I have an uncanny knack for getting other people together. I could use someone like that, but you’re waaaaay over there. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=121) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=123)