# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 127
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2012, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2522 "2012-02-25T18:17:23Z")
So I joined OKCupid. The first two guys who messaged me were a bit creepy, so after a brief exchange, I ended up discovering the block feature. I’ve not let that put me off though, I assume they’re just the saddos who prey on the newcomers to the site after striking out with everyone else. I’ve got chats going with two or three others, no major sparks flying, but you never know, there might be chemistry in person if I manage to grab a coffee with them sometime! But there’s an odd thing happening I’d like to pick your collective brains about: I check my recent visitors most days, and noticed the same name popping up everytime, usually they’ve visited me within the past 24 hours. I’d never had a message from them, or been advised they were a match, so I finally got around to visiting their profile to see what keeps them coming back, and I saw the profile is for a 36 year old straight woman. Now I’m a 34 year old woman looking for a man, not a woman. And she’s not even nearby. I sent her a message: Hello _username_, I’m curious, you keep looking at my profile. Do we know each other? 🙂 No reply, but she visited me twice yesterday. What on earth is that all about? ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2012, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2523 "2012-02-25T18:23:26Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > If someone said they wrote “No” to have kids as a way to ward off child molesters or some other odd excuse I’d probably stay away from them. I don’t think I could spend my life with someone that was that uptight. That seems like the same type of person that reposts crap on facebook and about one step away from being a conspiracy theorist. > [@Joey\_P](#): > > It certainly doesn’t sway my decision one way or the other, and I’m not really looking for sympathy, but once it’s nice to see a divorced person and think that they know what I’ve been through. Of course, it’s meaningless (and I try to treat it as such) since for all I know they cheated on their husband and he left her and that’s why they’re on a dating site…That’s not really what I’m looking for. So… you \*really \*don’t want to grab a coffee with me sometime then? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2012, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2524 "2012-02-25T18:24:31Z")
> [@hermette](#): > > But there’s an odd thing happening I’d like to pick your collective brains about: I check my recent visitors most days, and noticed the same name popping up everytime, usually they’ve visited me within the past 24 hours. I’d never had a message from them, or been advised they were a match, so I finally got around to visiting their profile to see what keeps them coming back, and I saw the profile is for a 36 year old straight woman. Now I’m a 34 year old woman looking for a man, not a woman. And she’s not even nearby. > > I sent her a message: Hello _username_, I’m curious, you keep looking at my profile. Do we know each other? 🙂 > > No reply, but she visited me twice yesterday. What on earth is that all about? Try doing an image search with her picture and see if it shows up somewhere else. It’s entirely possible it’s a fake profile that someone set up to look around (for any of a multitude of reasons). Some people don’t seem to realize that instead of setting up a fake profile you can just set up a blank profile and browse anonymously and no realizes your doing it (and reports you for it). Beyond that, it could just be someone that stumbled across your profile and keeps checking it for some reason that you’ll never know. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2012, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2525 "2012-02-25T19:05:51Z")
I’ve seen a lot of questions in this thread related to the profile visitor thing. I always browse anonymously, and frankly I don’t get it: why care who has looked at your profile, how many times, or why? Isn’t actual contact the only thing that really matters? > [@Joey\_P](#): > > I’m not really looking for sympathy That’s not what I meant; my bad. 🙂 I just meant does it matter/how much does it matter whether you have that experience in common with someone. (Asked as a woman who has never been married, but who – at 40 – finds herself meeting fewer and fewer men who haven’t been.) ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2012, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2526 "2012-02-25T19:23:44Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > That’s not what I meant; my bad. 🙂 I just meant does it matter/how much does it matter whether you have that experience in common with someone. As someone who’s dating people in the 25-35 range, I think a lot of them are looking/hoping to get married in the next 5 years. I’m not totally sure of my feelings about remarrying right now. And it’s not ‘trust’ issues or anything like that. It’s just more that the whole wedding thing is a lot of of crap and expense and to put yourself and your family(s) through and the engagement is a long drawn out thing. Often times when I see someone that’s divorced, part of me thinks that she may understand that sentiment and might also not be gunning to get (re)married again as well. Of course wanting to or not wanting to get married isn’t a deal breaker for me, but all things being equal, I’d rather date someone that wasn’t quite sure then someone who plans to be married in the next few years to someone. I get the feeling I’m more likely to find that in someone who’s already been down that road before…if that makes sense. Like I said, it’s not a sympathy thing. It’s more of a been there/done that thing. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2012, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2527 "2012-02-25T19:52:44Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > Of course wanting to or not wanting to get married isn’t a deal breaker for me, but all things being equal, I’d rather date someone that wasn’t quite sure then someone who plans to be married in the next few years to someone. Good point, and one I hadn’t considered. That’s much less of an issue for me, probably due both to not wanting my own kids and to looking for men in the 35-50 age range – and the kids thing is probably also why I’ve never been married (I’ve cohabitated, just never felt the need to make it legal). ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2012, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2528 "2012-02-25T22:15:16Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Do you think that’s a pretty common preference? **Sicks Ate** and **Joey P** , do you guys prefer/look for moms, too? Do you find that childless women really tend not to “get” the whole kid thing? > > It makes me a little sad to think that some single dads might never see my profile just because I have no kids, but then again I guess it’s no worse than someone never seeing my profile because I’m short (or whatever filter they might use). Also, from what I can tell I’m kind of unusual: childless by choice, but I sincerely like kids, I’m good with them, I have a lot of experience with babies and young children, etc. I’m a great babysitter and an excellent aunt, and I like to think that I’d probably be a decent stepmom. I can say that on OKCupid I look for women with kids, that want kids, or doesn’t want kids but it’s ok if I have them. I think they’ve changed the things around a little bit because the last time I looked there was all of one that fit that. I guess to me it’s a bit like dogs, I’m not a dog person, I’d rather not take care of one, yet a lot of women seem to have/like them. I’m not sure if people without children know what it’s like to have them and how much time it may take away and really understand that. Honestly at this age I’m having such a hard time even getting one date that it doesn’t really matter. Though I’m not really interested in a lot of short flings, I’d rather have a semi long term serious relationship. Being 38 I think a lot of women my age are wanting children and not interested in someone with them. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2012, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2529 "2012-02-26T03:03:31Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > This morning I got an OKCupid message from a born-again Christian looking to have a baby with someone – even though my profile clearly states that I don’t believe in god, and am not interested in having children of my own. He figures the chances of making a baby with you are pretty good, since you atheist women are all harlots. > [@Misnomer](#): > > Do you think that’s a pretty common preference? **Sicks Ate** and **Joey P** , do you guys prefer/look for moms, too? Do you find that childless women really tend not to “get” the whole kid thing? When I set up searches, I don’t use the child parameters at all. I do kind of tend to rule out women with more than one child when I run across them…not sure I have a good reason for it, other than it just seems like it would make scheduling even harder, see **JoeyP** s comment. I also am very cautious of women who say they definitely want children, because while I am open to it, I can’t say that it’s a must. When I actually took stock I realized that almost all of the women I have met have children, so perhaps I am discriminating toward women with children subconsciously. I absolutely find that childless women don’t ‘get’ it, for the most part. Or maybe it’s not that…maybe it’s the women with children ‘get it’ to more of an extent. > [@Joey\_P](#): > > No not at all. Whether or not someone has kids it’s just one aspect of their profile that I take into consideration and it’s certainly not from the POV of “They have kids so they’ll understand” or “They don’t have kids so they won’t understand”. In fact, it’s more along the lines of “Gee, she has two kids and I have one, that’s going to make scheduling really complicated…OTOH she…” Bingo. It’s already hard, and when you both have kids and funky schedules, it’s kind of interesting even finding time to get together. I have dropped things with one women I think was a fantastic match after we spent a month trying to get together for the third time…she has her boy full-time and lives 40 minutes away. Just wasn’t happening. > [@Misnomer](#): > > That’s why I never let a first meeting/date end without having either the “I’d like to see you again” or “I had a nice time but don’t feel that we connected” conversation. Good luck! 🙂 Excellent. I have the say that I have never ended a date by telling someone it just wasn’t working, and I’ve never had it said to me. I wouldn’t mind it, though. > [@Misnomer](#): > > I’ve seen a lot of questions in this thread related to the profile visitor thing. I always browse anonymously, and frankly I don’t get it: why care who has looked at your profile, how many times, or why? Isn’t actual contact the only thing that really matters? I think that women kind of use the fact that it’s logged as a hint. I have had two women now tell me that they were kind of ‘stalking’ me for a while before I contacted them. Creepy? I donno. We already had a ‘creepy’ conversation 😛 Still, seeing who looks at you can work to your (meaning, my) advantage. I noticed a woman had looked at my profile a couple times with in a few days so I checked her out. Liked what I saw, so I favorited her to e-mail later. Within 15 minutes, she sent me a wink. Had our second date today, and a 3rd is in the works. See how I worked in that stealth brag? Yeah, I’ve been at this for a while. Ok, my turn now! Is it just me, or does it seem that a larger-than-average proportion of online dating women like their booze? Between seeing a ton of party pictures or just getting to know some, I feel like I’m running across more drinkers than I should. Now don’t get me wrong, I am sitting here with a delicious locally brewed ale, but if I’m right, do you think there’s a reason that women who have such a focus on partying and/or wine are single? Or appearing on dating sites? Maybe I’m just setting up my searches wrong :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2012, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2530 "2012-02-26T03:20:40Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > Ok, my turn now! Is it just me, or does it seem that a larger-than-average proportion of online dating women like their booze? Between seeing a ton of party pictures or just getting to know some, I feel like I’m running across more drinkers than I should. Now don’t get me wrong, I am sitting here with a delicious locally brewed ale, but if I’m right, do you think there’s a reason that women who have such a focus on partying and/or wine are single? Or appearing on dating sites? > > Maybe I’m just setting up my searches wrong :dubious: It could just be that they’re more likely to have their pictures taken when they’re in certain situations. I see pictures of women at bars, in costumes, as bridesmaids, on vacation, that sort of thing. My own pictures are in costume, on vacation, and chillin’ with the Easter Bunny. No one takes a picture of me sitting at home, reading. (I need some new ones, actually. I’ll have to see if someone at the curling club will take a few action shots.) The part I can’t figure out is why so many have pictures of themselves behind the wheel of their cars. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2012, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2531 "2012-02-26T03:21:50Z")
P.S. I suspect rain has stopped. Waiting for a message from OKCupid to confirm. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2012, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2532 "2012-02-26T03:24:44Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > It could just be that they’re more likely to have their pictures taken when they’re in certain situations. I see pictures of women at bars, in costumes, as bridesmaids, on vacation, that sort of thing. My own pictures are in costume, on vacation, and chillin’ with the Easter Bunny. No one takes a picture of me sitting at home, reading. (I need some new ones, actually. I’ll have to see if someone at the curling club will take a few action shots.) Are there ‘curling action shots’? 😛 > [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > The part I can’t figure out is why so many have pictures of themselves behind the wheel of their cars. Yeah…this. Anyone care to explain this? They usually look pretty together in those shots, though. Is it just that they feel good and don’t think to take a picture until they look in the visor mirror and think “g/d, I’m hot today!”? ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2012, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2533 "2012-02-26T03:28:23Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > P.S. I suspect rain has stopped. Waiting for a message from OKCupid to confirm. [It’s down in Africa.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09LQlfMmW7s) ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2012, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2534 "2012-02-26T03:55:50Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > P.S. I suspect rain has stopped. Waiting for a message from OKCupid to confirm. You could always check [the fucking weather](http://thefuckingweather.com/) for yourself. 😛 > [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > Bingo. It’s already hard, and when you both have kids and funky schedules, it’s kind of interesting even finding time to get together. I have dropped things with one women I think was a fantastic match after we spent a month trying to get together for the third time…she has her boy full-time and lives 40 minutes away. Just wasn’t happening. Waaaay back in this thread, waaaay back when I had mentioned that the SA forums got a hold of my profile I had mentioned (here) that I was concerned about a potential date because she had two kids but I was relived when she told me that she only had them every two weeks (she had them for two weeks then dad had them for two weeks). Someone over at SA said I was a hypocrite (or something along those lines) since I was judging her for having kids when I had one myself. It’s not really like that. I have a hard enough time trying to date. I only have three nights a week to myself, she had two kids a full time job and school, try working that into my schedule. Hell, the first person I got into a real conversation with on Match (on the phone) I never got to meet. After two or so weeks of talking on the phone we never managed to get our schedules to sync up because of our kids and the meet up was never scheduled. After a while I think we both just sort of lost our momentum.\* For that reason, ‘no children’ has a slight advantage. But I look for maturity more then anything. I’m not in college and I’m not looking to date anyone that acts like they are. I’m a homebody and that’s more or less what I’m looking for. Regarding wanting children. I also tend to stay away from people that make it very clear that they must have kids. I have one and I’m on the fence about another. I could go either way. That is I’m happy with one, I’d be happy with two but I know that if I had another my two kids would have a pretty big age difference (probably close to 10 years) making them both basically only children. I’m sort of looking for someone that’s either not looking to have kids or on the fence as well. Basically anything this side of “Yes, must have kids, lots of kids”. When I first started dating, I thought of it this way…Ya know those friends that had a baby that said they weren’t trying to have a baby but they weren’t trying not to have one…that’s what I wanted to do. Once I’d been in a relationship that I knew was going to last forever then maybe stop trying not to have one, but not actively try to have one if that makes sense. Since then I’ve changed a bit and decided that I’d rather be with someone who’s open to discussing it…again, just not YES MUST HAVE KIDS!!!1!. \*Funny thing…that was about a year and a half ago and a few weeks ago she called me by accident. She was clearly try to call someone else in her phone named Joe and got my number by mistake. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2012, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2535 "2012-02-26T03:57:24Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > The part I can’t figure out is why so many have pictures of themselves behind the wheel of their cars. I’ll second that. I’ve wondered that many many times myself. I can understand getting ready to go out, looking at yourself in the mirror and taking a picture, but why do so many people get in the car and say “Yup, I need to take a picture of myself”? ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2012, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2536 "2012-02-26T04:12:52Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > Are there ‘curling action shots’? 😛 In the traditional sense of the term, no. That won’t stop me from trying. Gotta do something to stand out from the crowd on OKC. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2012, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2537 "2012-02-26T04:29:12Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > In the traditional sense of the term, no. That won’t stop me from trying. Gotta do something to stand out from the crowd on OKC. As a somewhat competent photographer I can tell you that, assuming the place is well lit, have the person with the camera slow down the shutter and track you with the camera as you’re moving. That will give the appearance of movement and get you an “action shot” like [this](http://sacredcalf.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/curlingday10olympics-cheryl-barnard.jpg) (which was done by a pro, but it’s how it was done nonetheless). Or, shave someone and do [this](http://thisiscolossal.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/curling-2-600x337.jpg) which I found when looking for the first picture. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2012, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2538 "2012-02-26T04:42:59Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > As a somewhat competent photographer I can tell you that, assuming the place is well lit, have the person with the camera slow down the shutter and track you with the camera as you’re moving. That will give the appearance of movement and get you an “action shot” like [this](http://sacredcalf.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/curlingday10olympics-cheryl-barnard.jpg) (which was done by a pro, but it’s how it was done nonetheless). If I’m going to get that elaborate, I better take in my own camera. I have an ancient 35mm that might do the trick. > [@](#): > > Or, shave someone and do [this](http://thisiscolossal.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/curling-2-600x337.jpg) which I found when looking for the first picture. I’m surprised the ice crew let them get away with that. Body heat would tend to melt the pebble off. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2012, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2539 "2012-02-26T04:44:36Z")
**Moderating** Moved IMHO ----\> Cafe Society Not even sure I can say that legally. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2012, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2540 "2012-02-26T05:22:07Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > The part I can’t figure out is why so many have pictures of themselves behind the wheel of their cars. I don’t see this very often. Maybe it’s because of the city I live in, or maybe it’s because I don’t drive. Many of my matches are like me and don’t have cars. ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2012, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2541 "2012-02-26T06:54:53Z")
I can’t believe I forgot to say this - I’m going out for a drink tonight with a guy I saw[1] on Plentyoffish. I don’t think it’s a “date” date (even if he has been signing his texts to me with x) but if it was a date, it would be the first one I’ve been on since my husband ended things nearly two years ago. Wish me luck 🙂 [1] Yeah, I say “saw” because that’s not where I met him - I already knew him, just didn’t realise he was available and looking till he’d checked out my profile! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=126) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=128)