# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 13
**Author:** ![Nutty\_Bunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d07c76/32.png) [@Nutty\_Bunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nutty_Bunny)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2010, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/241 "2010-06-07T00:08:43Z")
After a 10 year marriage in which the last 4 were almost completely without sex, I have no idea what I’m doing. For the record, I did have a lot of fun and I do hope to do that again. I DID favorite the guy and invited him to chat tonight. 😉 Thanks for the shake of the shoulders and the slap in the face. I needed it! ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2010, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/242 "2010-06-07T00:14:03Z")
> [@Nutty\_Bunny](#): > > After a 10 year marriage in which the last 4 were almost completely without sex, I have no idea what I’m doing. None of us do. > [@Nutty Bunny](#): > > For the record, I did have a lot of fun and I do hope to do that again. I DID favorite the guy and invited him to chat tonight. 😉 > > Thanks for the shake of the shoulders and the slap in the face. I needed it! I’d like to think of it as a slap on the face and a slap on the… well, have fun! ---
**Author:** ![Nutty\_Bunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d07c76/32.png) [@Nutty\_Bunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nutty_Bunny)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2010, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/243 "2010-06-07T00:21:05Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > I’d like to think of it as a slap on the face and a slap on the… well, have fun! Oh, don’t get me started. I’ll get out of control! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2010, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/244 "2010-06-07T00:42:42Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > Make sure you keep an eye on your lawn…might be some whipper-snappers on it. Gadzooks, you’re right! Why, I’ve a good mind to go out there and shake my fist at those hoodlums; that’ll show them what for. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2010, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/245 "2010-06-07T01:18:17Z")
> [@Nutty\_Bunny](#): > > Oh, don’t get me started. I’ll get out of control! 😃 This isn’t a conversation you and I should be having for all the Dopers to read. I’m only 20. Feel icky? ---
**Author:** ![Nutty\_Bunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d07c76/32.png) [@Nutty\_Bunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nutty_Bunny)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2010, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/246 "2010-06-07T01:47:20Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > This isn’t a conversation you and I should be having for all the Dopers to read. > > I’m only 20. > > Feel icky? Is this a test? Um…no? Did I get it right? ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2010, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/247 "2010-06-07T01:54:14Z")
> [@Nutty\_Bunny](#): > > Is this a test? Um…no? Did I get it right? Now all you have to do is choose between the red pill and the blue pill. Guys and girls (primarily girls), which of these pictures do you like best? [Picture 1](http://k2.cdn.okcimg.com/php/load_okc_image.php/images/16/150x150/558x800/328x34/567x274/0/5242560572356737392.jpeg) [Picture 2](http://k0.cdn.okcimg.com/php/load_okc_image.php/images/16/150x150/558x800/249x12/535x299/0/12329974553382736949.jpeg) [Picture 3](http://k0.cdn.okcimg.com/php/load_okc_image.php/images/16/150x150/558x800/18x0/369x350/0/15697675762960393357.jpeg) Those are the three pictures I’m using on my [profile](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/AClockworkMelon) atm. I like the thumbnail that Picture 1 makes and My Best Face rates them all about the same. Figured I’d get input here. Disclaimer: I may disregard all your advice and keep Picture 1. ---
**Author:** ![Nutty\_Bunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d07c76/32.png) [@Nutty\_Bunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nutty_Bunny)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2010, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/248 "2010-06-07T01:59:34Z")
Picture number 2 is out. I like 1 or 3 but I would choose what is more representative of your face in person. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2010, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/249 "2010-06-07T02:03:48Z")
> [@Nutty\_Bunny](#): > > Picture number 2 is out. I like 1 or 3 but I would choose what is more representative of your face in person. Interesting… as I said, My Best Face rates them all nearly identically but 1 is actually the least popular followed by 3 and 2 is the most popular. ---
**Author:** ![Nutty\_Bunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d07c76/32.png) [@Nutty\_Bunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nutty_Bunny)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2010, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/250 "2010-06-07T02:48:09Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Interesting… as I said, My Best Face rates them all nearly identically but 1 is actually the least popular followed by 3 and 2 is the most popular. I think you look a little sad in #2. I’m actually leaning toward #3. Oh, my guy from earlier just sent me an IM…this shoud be fun! ---
**Author:** ![jsc1953](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@jsc1953](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jsc1953)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2010, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/251 "2010-06-07T02:57:40Z")
> [@tr0psn4j](#): > > I could probably remove the income, I never really put much thought behind it. Just answered the question when it came up. Actually, I’ll remove it right now! eHarmony handles this fairly well: when filling out the questionnaire, you state your income, then state how important it is that your matches match. The profile that appears to the public doesn’t show your income, but (if you trust the computers) you can be confident that the matches you’re getting are appropriate…if that’s important. (The same logic is applied to education and height, IIRC.) So if you make $100k and only want to see people with similar salaries, dammit, then that’s what you get without having to blatantly post your income. ---
**Author:** ![Tanaqui](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3bc359/32.png) [@Tanaqui](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tanaqui)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2010, 10:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/252 "2010-06-07T10:16:31Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > [Picture 1](http://k2.cdn.okcimg.com/php/load_okc_image.php/images/16/150x150/558x800/328x34/567x274/0/5242560572356737392.jpeg) > [Picture 2](http://k0.cdn.okcimg.com/php/load_okc_image.php/images/16/150x150/558x800/249x12/535x299/0/12329974553382736949.jpeg) > [Picture 3](http://k0.cdn.okcimg.com/php/load_okc_image.php/images/16/150x150/558x800/18x0/369x350/0/15697675762960393357.jpeg) > > Disclaimer: I may disregard all your advice and keep Picture 1. Well, I agree with you. I like picture 1 best, picture 3 least. Just in case everyone is wondering why the heck some random girl from Japan was looking at your profile, that was [me](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Tanaqui07). I’ve gone on 2 dates from OKCupid–one successful (in that we saw each other a few times and I kinda fell in love with him a little bit but it wasn’t mutual) and the other not. Since I live in Japan I get an awful lot of random people wanting to know about Japan but who live nowhere near Tokyo, and also a lot of military guys, which, some of them actually seem really nice but I just don’t think I’m interested in that “lifestyle,” heh. I will be moving back to the States soon so I’m thinking about when I should change my profile… I want to start meeting people as soon as possible (I’ve actually made a few friends from OKCupid–it’s not necessarily just a dating thing.) I need to update my profile a bit. I’m also curious about what everyone thinks–which pic is most appealing? They are all fairly recent–within 1 or 2 years. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2010, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/253 "2010-06-07T14:19:13Z")
> [@Tanaqui](#): > > I’m also curious about what everyone thinks–which pic is most appealing? They are all fairly recent–within 1 or 2 years. [This](http://k0.cdn.okcimg.com/php/load_okc_image.php/images/16/150x150/558x800/347x6/573x232/0/2703880017651738965.jpeg) is my favorite picture of yours. Your default is good but I really dislike the thumbnail that it creates. Don’t know why. ---
**Author:** ![tr0psn4j](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@tr0psn4j](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tr0psn4j)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2010, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/254 "2010-06-07T15:44:34Z")
All of her pictures are cool. Is that a submarine you were in **Tanaqui**? ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2010, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/255 "2010-06-07T16:52:24Z")
I have a beef with OkCupid: It keeps showing me people who live in California, Georgia, New York, Mexico, etc, despite my living in Phoenix, AZ and my having checked “Near me” in my settings. At least they’re all on the same continent, I guess… ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2010, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/256 "2010-06-07T17:08:31Z")
Does anyone know if there’s a way to set the OKC IM so it’s only “on” for people in your contact list? If there’s a way to do so, I haven’t discovered it… the closest I’ve found is the “filter” settings, which still allows people through based on match % (and some other things). It irritates the crap out of me when I’m chatting with someone I know, to get interrupted by someone I don’t know – sometimes 2 or 3 extra windows popping up at once. Closing them is like playing whack-a-mole. It also irritates the crap out of me when people don’t message first so I can get an idea of who they are and why they’re interested, and respond when I actually have time. I’m usually only logged in to check my mail, not to get sucked into a lengthy IM conversation – I’m not planning to stick around for more than 10-20 minutes, most of which will be spent typing a response to someone. (I’m also not too interested in entertaining some guy I don’t know just because he’s bored.) Am I the only one who hates random IMs? Anyway, another thought that occurred to me over the weekend: I want to see your eyes in your photo. Preferably your main one, but _at least_ in one of them. No giant mirrored sunglasses, not a fuzzy out-of-focus photo where I can barely make out broad facial features, and no details at all. FWIW, I completely changed my mind about talking to someone simply because he changed his photo to one that was close enough to clearly see his face and eyes. Thinking about it, I realized I didn’t feel like I could get a “read” on his face without that. Attitude and personality does, in fact, come through in the eyes. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2010, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/257 "2010-06-07T18:02:02Z")
**Kaio** : [ul]Upper left-hand side of the screen there is a link to Settings [li]Tab over to IMs[/li][li]For your IM Filter, set it to filter out anyone who doesn’t have a 100% match with you (you’ll effectively be filtering out everyone)[/li][li]On the right-hand side of the screen there is a table of contents, go to Whitelist Options [/li][li]Check the box that says Whitelist My Favorites[/ul][/li] Now only people you’ve favorited and people who have 100% matches with you will be able to IM you. As for random IMs, I’m sure most women hate them but I’m glad whenever a woman contacts me considering how rarely it happens (I’ll get a message from a woman once a day or so - I’ll get an IM from a woman maybe once a week). ---
**Author:** ![kimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f0a364/32.png) [@kimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kimera)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2010, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/258 "2010-06-07T18:36:52Z")
[Here](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/kimeradae) is my profile. I wish I knew where I was going to end up next so I could search for guys there. I’m flexible in where I live. Here’s something I’m been debating over: I’m interested in marriage and kids, which I’ve tried to state pretty explicitly in my profile since I tend to keep coming across and getting paired with guys who are interested in neither. I’m also interested in being a stay-at-home mom while my kids are young, but I don’t think that’s something you state straight away. Because of that, my career interests are vague because I don’t intend to be working full time until after my kids are grown. When should I bring up the stay-at-home mom thing? ---
**Author:** ![pricciar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@pricciar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pricciar)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2010, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/259 "2010-06-07T19:16:08Z")
**kimera** : Your profile is 25 kinds awesome. Not just because monkeys kick ass in several major ways. But, mostly that. And, really, the picture were it looks like a monkey is on your head should be your main picture. The stay at home mom conversation is so far removed from initial dating that having it in your profile is likely to scare guys off - even guys who are interested in kids and marriage. These sorts of discussions - child rearing, when to meet the in-laws, how to raise the kids, where to live, how to cohabitate, what sort of monkey is the best sort of monkey - have their time and place. I just don’t think that is in the dating profile. These sorts of discussion happen naturally over time. This is similar to how I feel about talking about one’s future spouse in a profile. It’s like you are putting the cart before the horse. Someone (who is prone to overreaction) might read it and say "We haven’t even held hands and you are already talking about staying home with our babies! **Tanaqui** : It’s too bad it is blue, because I think your best picture is the Warp20 one. They are all nice, but that one just has that special something. ps: I am the oddball Patrick in Philadelphia snooping on everyone’s profile. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2010, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/260 "2010-06-07T19:22:08Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > **Kaio** : > > [ul]Upper left-hand side of the screen there is a link to Settings > [li]Tab over to IMs[/li][li]For your IM Filter, set it to filter out anyone who doesn’t have a 100% match with you (you’ll effectively be filtering out everyone)[/li][li]On the right-hand side of the screen there is a table of contents, go to Whitelist Options [/li][li]Check the box that says Whitelist My Favorites[/ul][/li] The max percentage on the IM filter is 90%, but I suppose that’s as good as I’m gonna get. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=12) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=14)