# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 130
**Author:** ![Tanaqui](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3bc359/32.png) [@Tanaqui](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tanaqui)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2012, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2582 "2012-03-07T05:21:36Z")
So I’m pretty proud of myself. I suggested OKCupid to one of my best friends and she’s now been dating someone she met there for 6 months! Which is awesome. Sadly, I’ve had less luck myself. I’ve hooked up plenty in the approximately 1 1/2 years I’ve been on OKCupid, but I’ve never met anyone I’ve really clicked with. A month or two ago I met this really great guy and I thought we were really getting along well–but he’s stopped calling and I’m through with chasing after guys who aren’t interested, so I think that’s done. I’m so tired of the whole OKCupid thing. Maybe I should just try to meet someone in real life? Who knows. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2012, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2583 "2012-03-08T13:46:12Z")
LESSON LEARNED: Don’t message new people while I’m at work. Yesterday afternoon I was bored and decided to answer some questions using the OKC app on my phone, and while I was at it I checked out my Quiver. One of the guys seemed promising, but instead of waiting until I got home to focus and think a little about my opening message I decided to dash something off that I _thought_ was both flattering and funny. Then last night I re-read it. :eek: It’s…bad. The closing joke might have been ok if the first paragraph hadn’t been a disaster, but all I could think while I was reading it was, “I wouldn’t write back to this chick.” Oh, well. 😃 > [@Tanaqui](#): > > I suggested OKCupid to one of my best friends and she’s now been dating someone she met there for 6 months! Yay! > [@Tanaqui](#): > > Sadly, I’ve had less luck myself. Boo! ---
**Author:** ![2gigch1](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/2gigch1/32/3313_2.png) [@2gigch1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/2gigch1)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2012, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2584 "2012-03-08T14:19:57Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > It’s…bad. The closing joke might have been ok if the first paragraph hadn’t been a disaster, but all I could think while I was reading it was, “I wouldn’t write back to this chick.” And thats what drives me batshit insane about the idea of internet dating, and well, dating in general - how I could be expected to develop a proper opinion about somebody over a paragraph or a sentence I cannot conceive. I understand you can’t hear the tone of delivery on the internet. I know people have bad days and sometimes just say the wrong thing. One of my favorite authors Patrick O’Brian (Master & Commander series) wrote something to the effect that “a person’s identity hovers halfway between himself and the person looking at him”. I always keep in mind we do not own how the world sees us, and that the world does not really have a chance to see us for who we are, especially at a distance. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2012, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2585 "2012-03-08T18:33:42Z")
My wife and I originally met on eHarmony. All my interesting dates came from there. I think it worked out because of many common sense things- -We arranged to meet as soon as possible -We met in a neutral place for coffee -We both agreed on major issues Duh, right? But looking back, I can’t count how often I didnt follow these rules. Also, I dont get people who are deceptive about their appeatance. I actually picked unflattering pictures, because the people willing to meet me in person were surprised to see how much more handsome I was :smug: . ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2012, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2586 "2012-03-08T19:43:29Z")
> [@2gigch1](#): > > how I could be expected to develop a proper opinion about somebody over a paragraph or a sentence I cannot conceive. I don’t think that’s an expectation at all: the point of an opening/early message is simply to catch someone’s eye, and see if we like each other enough on the surface to meet in real life and start getting to know each other. _Then_ we can develop proper opinions about each other. So it really doesn’t matter whether someone likes me in writing enough to want to take that next step; nor does it matter whether I have an off day and wind up not liking _myself_ in writing. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2587 "2012-03-09T15:03:31Z")
Last night’s date went surprisingly well: we sat down to dinner and next thing I knew it was three hours later, and at the end of the night it seemed natural to share a (very nice) kiss. We already have plans to see each other again next weekend. 🆒 WHY YES I WILL KEEP THIS TREAD GOING SINGLEHANDEDLY IF NECESSARY WHAT’S YOUR POINT ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2588 "2012-03-09T16:27:49Z")
Congrats **Misnomer** , on the surprisingly good date and don’t worry about this thread dying. It may go dormant from time to time, but someone will always bring it back to life. ---
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2589 "2012-03-09T16:45:18Z")
Congrats, Nomer! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2590 "2012-03-09T18:46:27Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Last night’s date went surprisingly well: we sat down to dinner and next thing I knew it was three hours later, and at the end of the night it seemed natural to share a (very nice) kiss. We already have plans to see each other again next weekend. 🆒 Yay!! Those are the best! Not that I’ve had that happen a ton, but it’s always a good sign. Hope that works out 🙂 Out running last night, I saw a sign for a ‘Community Service Singles’ group. Sounds ok on the face of it, I’m all about community service and all…but isn’t the objective of that group to get out of the group as soon as possible? 😃 How depressing to be the club president…you’re it by default because you’ve been there longest. Serving your community, one failed relationship at a time.. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2591 "2012-03-09T19:24:41Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > Congrats **Misnomer** , on the surprisingly good date and don’t worry about this thread dying. It may go dormant from time to time, but someone will always bring it back to life. Thanks! But nah, that’s not what I meant: I just mean that I’m _finally_ seeing some online dating action, so I’m going to keep posting here even if no one else does. 😃 > [@ArrMatey](#): > > Congrats, Nomer! 🙂 Thank you! > [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > Yay!! Those are the best! Not that I’ve had that happen a ton, but it’s always a good sign. Hope that works out 🙂 Thanks! I’m feeling cautiously optimistic. 🙂 > [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > Out running last night, I saw a sign for a ‘Community Service Singles’ group. Sounds ok on the face of it, I’m all about community service and all…but isn’t the objective of that group to get out of the group as soon as possible? 😃 How depressing to be the club president…you’re it by default because you’ve been there longest. Serving your community, one failed relationship at a time.. LOL! Back when I was doing a lot of volunteer work I’d hear a lot about a group called “Single Volunteers of DC.” I wondered similar things! I didn’t like the idea of volunteering with an ulterior motive, so I never checked them out. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2592 "2012-03-09T19:59:48Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Thanks! But nah, that’s not what I meant: I just mean that I’m _finally_ seeing some online dating action, so I’m going to keep posting here even if no one else does. 😃 Isn’t that backwards? This is “The Ongoing Online Dating _Advice_ Thread,” not “The Ongoing Online Dating _Success_ Thread.” Shouldn’t it be the people who aren’t getting any online dating action who do most of the posting in this thread and keep it alive? ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2593 "2012-03-09T20:01:05Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > Isn’t that backwards? This is “The Ongoing Online Dating _Advice_ Thread,” not “The Ongoing Online Dating _Success_ Thread.” Shouldn’t it be the people who aren’t getting any online dating action who do most of the posting in this thread and keep it alive? Seems like the ones who are getting the action would the best ones to get advice from… ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2594 "2012-03-09T20:02:32Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > Shouldn’t it be the people who aren’t getting any online dating action who do most of the posting in this thread and keep it alive? Trust me, I’ll still need advice. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2595 "2012-03-09T20:17:07Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > Seems like the ones who are getting the action would the best ones to get advice from… I said those who are unsuccessful should do most of the posting, not all of it. **Joey P** is the most prolific poster in this thread and he is still single, as far as I know. **Shot From Guns** is next and I think she wasn’t single for most of the time she was posting. Poor, pitiful me is third. Then there is **AClockworkMelon** and **Mauvaise**. He hasn’t posted much lately, but he last said he found some short-lived success, while she found some offline success. It’s a strange coincidence that the top two posters in this thread are from the same city and the fourth and fifth are from the same city. Is there something in the water in Milwaukee or Phoenix? ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2596 "2012-03-09T20:31:09Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > Is there something in the water in Milwaukee or Phoenix? [Cryptosporidium](http://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJM199407213310304) ---
**Author:** ![ataraxy22](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ataraxy22/32/307_2.png) [@ataraxy22](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ataraxy22)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2012, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2597 "2012-03-10T02:58:46Z")
> [@ataraxy22](#): > > Dating website profiles tend to all blur together in my mind, but I found one that really stood out last Monday and sent her a message post haste. She wrote back almost immediately saying that she liked my profile too. We exchanged a couple more messages over the next few days. I gave her my email address, and she sent a long message within 2 hours, ending with her saying that I was the cutest guy that had contacted her in a long time. I emailed her back the next day (that would be last Thursday), but so far have heard nothing more. Perhaps I should have been more aggressive and asked her out then, or at least given her my phone number? It’s been a 3-day weekend with the Monday holiday, and people travel sometimes or are busy, but nonetheless for the past couple days I’ve been running through my head all the possible scenarios for why she hasn’t written back yet. I do realize this is silly, yes, but I am nonetheless currently holding my breath here… I’m just updating. The fact that it is a Friday night and I am doing so is the part that sucks. So…The woman I mentioned back in January in the above, eventually did send me a GChat message, out of the blue about a week later. We ended up talking a really long time by GChat over the next few days, and she apparently thought I seemed promising, because she friended me on Facebook sight unseen. We met for coffee one weekend afternoon, but ended up talking for about 2 1/2 hours, which seemed pretty promising for just a “meet and greet” over coffee, especially because at the end she suggested we get together and do stuff together again soon. We emailed and talked by Gchat over the next week, and I invited her out to a museum, but a couple of days before our scheduled date, she cancelled, saying she was too busy. Since then, she hasn’t contacted me at all, except to respond to a couple of emails I sent, although she is still a Facebook “friend”. Presumably I seemed good on paper, but she didn’t find me attractive in person. I was feeling bummed after she cancelled, so on a lark I emailed the woman who had postponed a first meeting over dinner twice a few weeks prior and who had not tried to reschedule since. Surprisingly, she wrote back a few hours later and invited me out to a movie the next night. Not my favorite choice for a first date, but we actually ended up having a really nice time. I really felt a connection with her and she seemed enthusiastic about me too. That was in early February; we’ve been out a few more times since then, including a long day trip last weekend. After that trip, she seemed to pull back subtly. I’ve been wondering what’s been going on, but didn’t want to seem clingy or needy by asking and I haven’t seen her in person since then. Nonetheless, sigh: She sent me an email a few hours ago basically saying she thinks I’m a great person, but she’s realized that she’s at a point in her life where she can be in a relationship with anyone because of uncertainty about her job situation and some lingering trauma from an ex from about a year ago. It kinda really sucks, because I was starting to like her. I’m not sure what she means even. I’ve never been at a point where I’ve felt that way except when I was stuck in the throes of unrequited love for someone and incapable of noticing anyone else. Is this code for not feeling attracted to me, but not wanting to hurt my feelings? Although I’ve been out with a couple of other people since the beginning of the year, I had stopped looking to meet new people, because I am not the sort of person who is able to focus on dating multiple people at once, even in the early stages before the “exclusivity discussion” happens. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2012, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2598 "2012-03-10T03:10:27Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > [Cryptosporidium](http://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJM199407213310304) ahhhh, memories. That was some nasty shit. I somehow managed to avoid it though. I did see a lot of people get sick though. However we do now have a [state of the art water treatment plant](http://www.jsonline.com/news/milwaukee/119159644.html) because of it. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2012, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2599 "2012-03-10T05:34:25Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Go get 'em, tiger! 🆒 Let’s see… One of them is 200 miles away. One of them traded a couple messages, then I told her that one of my pictures (of three) was a bit old. She sent a rather curt reply that I should be more upfront and have recent pictures posted, and nothing else. One of them asked about a recipe I mentioned in my profile, and in her second message to me sent a similar recipe she had made. Then when I didn’t say “thank you” quickly enough, she sent a rather nasty message that I wasn’t welcome and deleted her account. I still think I’ll be the last person standing in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2012, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2600 "2012-03-10T13:39:25Z")
> [@ataraxy22](#): > > She sent me an email a few hours ago basically saying she thinks I’m a great person, but she’s realized that she’s at a point in her life where she can be in a relationship with anyone because of uncertainty about her job situation and some lingering trauma from an ex from about a year ago. > > It kinda really sucks, because I was starting to like her. I’m not sure what she means even. I’ve never been at a point where I’ve felt that way except when I was stuck in the throes of unrequited love for someone and incapable of noticing anyone else. Is this code for not feeling attracted to me, but not wanting to hurt my feelings? It _could_ be code – that’s always a possibility – but if she’s already been out with you a few times I doubt that’s the issue. In fact, I think it’s the opposite: she’s realized that she might really like you, but doesn’t feel able to commit to anything “real” due to her personal and work issues. That’s actually the space I’ve been in with IRL Guy #1 for the past five months. It totally sucks. Sorry. > [@ataraxy22](#): > > I had stopped looking to meet new people, because I am not the sort of person who is able to focus on dating multiple people at once, even in the early stages before the “exclusivity discussion” happens. I’m much the same way; now I’m really glad that I sent such a crappy message to the other guy. 😉 And if date #2 goes well, IRL Guy #1 is going to be OBE. > [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > I still think I’ll be the last person standing in this thread. Aww. ☹ (Those last two chicks…woah.) ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2012, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2601 "2012-03-10T19:32:56Z")
Well when it rains it pours. I have two dates/get togethers with people. I also asked one but haven’t heard back but would think we would get together. I was also at a Women in Flight week at the local airport and meet a pilot. She gave me her number. That’s four dates in the next week or so. :eek: 😃 Funny enough I have a friend that just started on OKCupid who has a date with one of those women Sunday. Funny how that happens. I also have a swim meet next weekend where there are tons of people, and probably single women, I might just get a 5th date. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=129) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=131)