# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 132
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2012, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2622 "2012-03-16T17:35:33Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > OKC filters for similar attitudes about sex, but I thought the article was talking about the actual physical act. Those two things are strongly related. OkC doesn’t just ask about how you feel about sex though, but also about possible kinks you might or might not be into. Those questions don’t come up right away, so if you haven’t answered a lot of questions, you don’t see them. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2012, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2623 "2012-03-16T18:00:06Z")
> [@ArrMatey](#): > > So, one of the people I met on SoulGeek has now said she never wants to talk to me again. I gotta admit, it’s that blatant, harsh level of rejection that makes me nervous to move forward. (In the interest of disclosure; I made a joke in poor taste, and, even after apologizing for it, it was apparently too much.) Aww, come on: you _know_ you made a tasteless joke, so it doesn’t seem like the resultant rejection was actually harsh. No cause for nervousness. Simply either rein in your sense of humor next time, or be glad that you’re weeding out the humorless bitches. 😃 > [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > Those two things are strongly related. But not the same. You can be a good match for someone on paper when it comes to kinkiness, attitudes, experience, etc., and also be attracted to them in person, yet still have the actual sex just…not…quite…_work_. IME there is absolutely no predictor for sexual compatibility. (Not that I think sexual compatibility is rare or anything; it’s just that you can never know how sex with another person will be until you do the deed.) ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2012, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2624 "2012-03-16T18:38:06Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > But not the same. You can be a good match for someone on paper when it comes to kinkiness, attitudes, experience, etc., and also be attracted to them in person, yet still have the actual sex just…not…quite…_work_. IME there is absolutely no predictor for sexual compatibility. Of course that _can_ happen, but how often does that really happen? If I match someone in all those ways and we find each other sexually attractive it might not work, but it _probably_ will work. There are no guarantees in life, but I think saying there are no predictors is silly. If I see an attractive woman who I match really highly on OkC’s subcategory, assuming she finds me attractive too, then it probably will _work_ in the bedroom. I can only recall seeing four women in all of OkC that I had really high scores with on the sex subcategory(97%+) though. I sent a message to one and she didn’t reply. The other three initiated contact with me and were my longest, best online conversations on OkC. Unfortunately I haven’t slept with any of them: three of them were long distance. The one I messaged lives in Canada. One lives in Hawaii, one lives here in Portland, and the fourth is **Shot From Guns**. Portland girl and I actually talked about what we were into, bedroom-wise, and obviously we were in sync. ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2012, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2625 "2012-03-16T18:41:52Z")
Well it seems that I went from 4 possible dates to none. My helicopter pilot never called me back and one of my dates canceled on me last minute. The other two dates went ok, but I’m not sure if they were interested in me. Is it just me or do people expect a spark on the first date? It seems that there should be some interest there, but I can’t imagine some sort of magic spark right away. I also think something is wrong with eHarmony. While both of my dates this week came from there, I keep getting matched up with people who are a good 50-60+ miles away as the crow flies, and in the DC area that means two plus hours of driving. I know I told it only 30 miles so I don’t know why it’s not listening. On the plus side there is the swim meet this weekend so at least I get so see what I’m shopping for, but then again so do they. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2012, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2626 "2012-03-16T19:22:59Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > Of course that _can_ happen, but how often does that really happen? See “Not that I think sexual compatibility is rare or anything.” > [@Edward\_The\_Head](#): > > Is it just me or do people expect a spark on the first date? It seems that there should be some interest there, but I can’t imagine some sort of magic spark right away. You’ve never been attracted to someone on the first date?? While I do believe that chemistry can eventually develop between two people when there wasn’t any/didn’t seem to be any at first, when it comes to online dating I’m typically not interested in a second date if there isn’t at least _some_ chemistry when we meet. At most I’ll agree to a second date if everything but the chemistry seems to be right, but then if there’s still no spark I’m outta there. ---
**Author:** ![GIGObuster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gigobuster/32/421_2.png) [@GIGObuster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GIGObuster)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2012, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2627 "2012-03-16T19:26:42Z")
So this year my economic situation got better and I’m going to the dating circle again. After skimming the thread it seems OK Cupid is recommended, but is [Match.com](http://Match.com) a good option? Previously I contacted some doper girls and I even invited one to dinner but she reported that she is not interested in changing her single status; oh well, just starting and reading some of the cases here this is typical. So, currently what dating service or local groups are recommended for people looking for serious relationships? ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2012, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2628 "2012-03-16T19:41:52Z")
> [@Edward\_The\_Head](#): > > On the plus side there is the swim meet this weekend so at least I get so see what I’m shopping for, but then again so do they. 😃 Good luck at the swim meet! > [@Misnomer](#): > > See “Not that I think sexual compatibility is rare or anything.” My main objection to what you said was, as I said, that there were NO predictors. If you meet someone at a bar, there aren’t. Dating sites, especially OkC, give you at least some predictor, which is better than nothing. > [@GIGObuster](#): > > So, currently what dating service or local groups are recommended for people looking for serious relationships? Besides OkCupid, I recommend [meetup.com](http://meetup.com). It’s not a dating site, per se, but you do get to meet people with similar interests, which can lead to romance. Both are free, which is good for someone whose financial situation has just improved. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2012, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2629 "2012-03-16T19:49:00Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > My main objection to what you said was, as I said, that there were NO predictors. If you meet someone at a bar, there aren’t. Dating sites, especially OkC, give you at least some predictor, which is better than nothing. I wasn’t misunderstanding you: I continue to maintain that there is absolutely no way to predict how compatible you will _actually_ be with someone in bed. Shall we agree to disagree? ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2012, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2630 "2012-03-16T20:02:20Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > I wasn’t misunderstanding you: I continue to maintain that there is absolutely no way to predict how compatible you will _actually_ be with someone in bed. > > Shall we agree to disagree? I never thought you misunderstood me, I just think you’re wrong. Sure, agree to disagree. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2012, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2631 "2012-03-16T20:32:12Z")
> [@Edward\_The\_Head](#): > > Is it just me or do people expect a spark on the first date? It seems that there should be some interest there, but I can’t imagine some sort of magic spark right away. Yep, I expect a spark on the first date. C’mon, how many dates are you going to give it to see if something ‘develops’? When I think of a relationship developing, I tend to picture two people who have casual contact in their everyday lives, or mutual friends and run into each other on a regular basis; nothing there initially, but eventually something extra appears. I don’t think that online dating is the place to start with maybe something there and see if anything develops. ---
**Author:** ![GIGObuster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gigobuster/32/421_2.png) [@GIGObuster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GIGObuster)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2012, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2632 "2012-03-16T22:38:48Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > Besides OkCupid, I recommend [meetup.com](http://meetup.com). It’s not a dating site, per se, but you do get to meet people with similar interests, which can lead to romance. Both are free, which is good for someone whose financial situation has just improved. Mmm, before getting advice here I noticed several interesting prospects at [Match.com](http://Match.com) and someone was interested, but $20 a month fee sounds stiff, will check OkCupid. ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2012, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2633 "2012-03-16T23:02:19Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > When I think of a relationship developing, I tend to picture two people who have casual contact in their everyday lives, or mutual friends and run into each other on a regular basis; nothing there initially, but eventually something extra appears. I think this is what I mean. I think it takes at least a couple of times of going out to see if there’s anything there. Now granted if you’re not interested at all then that’s different, but it seems to me that people expect there to be sparks flying all over the place and not with an attraction. I think I might be a bit cynical too as the last time that happened to me it was a bad relationship. I’d rather have a good date and then try a couple of more to see where things go then worry about thinking ‘Damn this is the one’. ---
**Author:** ![ataraxy22](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ataraxy22/32/307_2.png) [@ataraxy22](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ataraxy22)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2012, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2634 "2012-03-17T03:46:26Z")
I can decide if I DON’T like someone after one date; However, I often require several dates before I know if I DO like them. Thus, I will happily go out with someone a second time, or even more. Worst thing that happens is we end up friends. I feel that I am in the distinct minority in this opinion. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2012, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2635 "2012-03-17T04:13:01Z")
> [@ArrMatey](#): > > (In the interest of disclosure; I made a joke in poor taste, and, even after apologizing for it, it was apparently too much.) I know how you feel. The one I was chatting with said she did some bike riding last weekend. I asked if she was a mountain biker, or road. Won’t make that mistake again. And there was someone at the curling club; wicked cute, laughed at my jokes, reached out and touched me on the arm while we were talking, no ring,… …but pretty sure she’s actually married. ---
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2012, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2636 "2012-03-17T05:31:17Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Aww, come on: you _know_ you made a tasteless joke, so it doesn’t seem like the resultant rejection was actually harsh. No cause for nervousness. Simply either rein in your sense of humor next time, or be glad that you’re weeding out the humorless bitches. :D) Yeah, at an intellectual level I know I should feel this way. Thing is, for me there’s a big difference between “This isn’t working out”-level endings and “I never want to talk to you again!”. It was the later. Shook me pretty hard, and makes me feel kinda gunshy. Of course, I know that if I don’t get back on the horse, nothing will come at all. I think I just need a pep-talk or something (or a good experience…). ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2012, 7:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2637 "2012-03-17T07:36:06Z")
> [@ArrMatey](#): > > So, one of the people I met on SoulGeek has now said she never wants to talk to me again. I gotta admit, it’s that blatant, harsh level of rejection that makes me nervous to move forward. (In the interest of disclosure; I made a joke in poor taste, and, even after apologizing for it, it was apparently too much.) Okay, I’ve got to ask - was it a racist/sexist/rape-joke? Coz if so, just.. don’t. Or anything that implies she might be promiscuous either, I cut off a conversation with my best-find on Plentyoffish after he made such a “joke” too. Well, I’ve finally rescheduled for that drink with a different guy I saw on Plentyoffish (but already knew from my student days), so we’re meeting on Tuesday night. It’s not a date, we’re just going to bitch about our ex’s 😉 I’ve still got a promising chat with the non-wanting-kids guy on OKCupid, and I’m tempted to suggest meeting him for a coffee sometime. How very forward of me! And I have an… odd situation going on with a long-term, long distance male friend, who I always knew had a crush on me, and I was happy to accept being adored, but now it’s starting to get him down, and I’m not sure what to do. I do think about him a lot, but I can’t swear to feeling the same way about him, and it’s not like he’s just around the corner, it’d be a massive leap of faith to even meet in person again. (I saw him last year, but for various complicated reasons, there was really no spark from my side, but things could be different this year.) We used to chat online most days, now I’ve barely heard from him in weeks, and I miss him. And yes, I miss being adored, I’m selfish like that 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2012, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2638 "2012-03-17T13:38:25Z")
Date #2/3 (depending on whether last weekend’s coffee counts) with the latest OKC guy was at my place last night, and it went quite well…until his allergies forced him to leave before we finished watching the movie. He’d taken a Zyrtec and thought that my short-haired dog might not bother him much, but he started having symptoms within a few hours and got progressively worse until he had to go home (serious symptoms, not just sneeze/cough/watery eyes stuff: his heart races, his legs get tingly, he feels nauseated, etc.). This could be an issue, because it means that he can’t spend much time at my place _and_ spending the night together might be rare/tricky. I’m not willing to call it a deal-breaker just yet, because everything else seems to be kind of great, but we’ll have to see how this aspect of things goes. In the meantime, we’ve agreed to continue our date tonight at his place. 🙂 > [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > Yep, I expect a spark on the first date. C’mon, how many dates are you going to give it to see if something ‘develops’? Ditto. > [@Edward\_The\_Head](#): > > I think this is what I mean. I think it takes at least a couple of times of going out to see if there’s anything there. > [@ataraxy22](#): > > I can decide if I DON’T like someone after one date; However, I often require several dates before I know if I DO like them. I might need a couple of dates to determine whether I like someone/want to keep seeing him, but I pretty much know right away whether I’m attracted to him. > [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > The one I was chatting with said she did some bike riding last weekend. I asked if she was a mountain biker, or road. Won’t make that mistake again. I don’t get it…what was wrong with what you asked? 😕 > [@ArrMatey](#): > > Yeah, at an intellectual level I know I should feel this way. Thing is, for me there’s a big difference between “This isn’t working out”-level endings and “I never want to talk to you again!”. It was the later. Shook me pretty hard, and makes me feel kinda gunshy. > Of course, I know that if I don’t get back on the horse, nothing will come at all. I think I just need a pep-talk or something (or a good experience…). Meh, I didn’t know she’d been _that_ way about it. Sorry, dude. But knowing you need to get back on the horse is half the battle…you’ll get back out there when you’re ready. 🙂 > [@hermette](#): > > It’s not a date, we’re just going to bitch about our ex’s 😉 Heh! > [@hermette](#): > > I’ve still got a promising chat with the non-wanting-kids guy on OKCupid, and I’m tempted to suggest meeting him for a coffee sometime. How very forward of me! You should _definitely_ suggest meeting him! I’m all about meeting people sooner rather than later: IMHO, chemistry is too important/unpredictable to put off finding out about. Besides, being forward is good: lots of times guys are kind of relieved when it’s not completely up to them. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2012, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2639 "2012-03-17T14:29:29Z")
> [@hermette](#): > > Okay, I’ve got to ask - was it a racist/sexist/rape-joke? Coz if so, just.. don’t. Or anything that implies she might be promiscuous either, I cut off a conversation with my best-find on Plentyoffish after he made such a “joke” too. Oh ghods no. No no no. I like to think I have a better sense of humor than that. She was going through a tough situation, and I made a joke about it to lighten the mood over it, even immediately saying it was a joke. Then the explosion came. In hindsight, it’s less that she got upset over a joke- obviously people have different views of these things- and more the immediate, vitriolic cut-off. I’ll admit, I know I’m hyper-sensitive to rejection, but this I suspect would’ve been a bit much for a lot of folks. ---
**Author:** ![GIGObuster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gigobuster/32/421_2.png) [@GIGObuster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GIGObuster)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2012, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2640 "2012-03-17T15:24:37Z")
As it turn out I forgot I got an account at OKCupid back in 2008, but it was a bare bones one made to do a quiz that IIRC was part of a thread in the SDMB, the technical question here is: It is better to make a new account? I ask because it seems to me that old accounts would be less likely to attract attention and more matches, or would it be enough to just update the account and automatically the system will make new matches? ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2012, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2641 "2012-03-17T16:16:54Z")
> [@GIGObuster](#): > > As it turn out I forgot I got an account at OKCupid back in 2008, but it was a bare bones one made to do a quiz that IIRC was part of a thread in the SDMB, the technical question here is: > > It is better to make a new account? > > I ask because it seems to me that old accounts would be less likely to attract attention and more matches, or would it be enough to just update the account and automatically the system will make new matches? I too made my OkC account around 2008. I resurrected it in 2010 and have been using it off and on since then. Anytime you make changes it gets put in the Activity Feed and gets noticed. You can reset your questions and start over on those at anytime too. I regret not starting a new account in 2010 only because I used Invisiblechimp as my user name on OkC, making me a little too easily Googlable, but I don’t want to start over now. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=131) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=133)