# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 134
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2012, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2662 "2012-03-19T15:35:33Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > (If you want to judge me/give me shit for trying to have sex with someone I just met, please take it elsewhere. Thanks!) Can I judge you for getting to attempt to have sex when I’ve not had the opportunity to even try for nearly two years? Oh wait, that’s “jealousy” not “judging”, dammit! That’s the crap thing about my situation - I’m seeing this guy tomorrow night, in other circumstances, after a few drinks I’d happily hop back to his place if things were going well. But given I have a babysitter waiting with my 15 month old at home, I’d need to pre-arrange it if I wanted to stay out, and I’m not \*quite \*that arrogant/confident! (oh, and any idea what I should wear?) 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2012, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2663 "2012-03-19T16:03:53Z")
> [@amanset](#): > > There is no easy answer to this but, from my perspective, trying to plan strategies just makes things worse. Yeah, I’d already decided not to go there (for all of the reasons you mention); glad I seem to be on the right track. Thanks. 🙂 > [@amanset](#): > > Try and read his signals. If things get hot but it looks like it may not work down there, then slowly (not immediately) back off, let it calm down. Let him do some stuff to you instead. I didn’t think it was necessary to detail everything that we’ve done so far; please don’t assume that you know. I/we have already done all of the above. There was porn, too (at his request/suggestion). > [@amanset](#): > > Without wanting to sound all new agey and shit, sex isn’t just about putting a stick in a hole. Again, please don’t assume that you know what you’re talking about. 🙂 You’re not sounding new agey, just condescending. > [@hermette](#): > > Can I judge you for getting to attempt to have sex when I’ve not had the opportunity to even try for nearly two years? Oh wait, that’s “jealousy” not “judging”, dammit! LOL! It’s been nearly three years for me, so don’t be so jealous. 😉 > [@hermette](#): > > (oh, and any idea what I should wear?) 😉 Sorry, I’m horrible at figuring out even my _own_ date outfits. _grin_ ---
**Author:** ![amanset](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8dc957/32.png) [@amanset](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amanset)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2012, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2664 "2012-03-19T16:40:04Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Yeah, I’d already decided not to go there (for all of the reasons you mention); glad I seem to be on the right track. Thanks. 🙂 > > I didn’t think it was necessary to detail everything that we’ve done so far;\*\* please don’t assume that you know\*\*. I/we have already done all of the above. There was porn, too (at his request/suggestion). > > **Again, please don’t assume that you know what you’re talking about**. 🙂 You’re not sounding new agey, just condescending. From my first reply: > [@](#): > > Clearly I don’t know everything that has been going on Seems to me someone didn’t read what I wrote, just what they thought I wrote. Just trying to give you a male perspective and try and be supportive towards someone that sounded like she was going to throw in the towel on the current prospect. Good to hear that such things are apparently looked down on upon around here. Or would you rather I just give you want you want to hear? “You’re too good for him. He doesn’t deserve someone as good as you. (((huggles)))” That better? ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2012, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2665 "2012-03-19T16:53:02Z")
_sigh_ Yes, you’re right; you win. Can we move on now? ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2012, 8:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2666 "2012-03-20T08:35:55Z")
Moving on, I’m really liking OKCupid’s little tricks to keep you active and involved. Every time I visit the site, there’s an unobstrusive suggestion: “Why not complete your profile by answering 50 questions?” Okay thinks I, and spent 10 minutes ticking boxes. “Why not complete your profile by rating 25 profiles?” Yeah, sure, and then I spent 15 minutes crushing mens hopes by mostly giving them less than 3 stars (I’m choosy!) “Why not complete your profile by answering 100 questions?” Hang on a minute… “Why not complete your profile by rating 50 profiles?” Yeah, now I see what you’re doing there. The only one I don’t really like is “Contact 25 new people!”. I find it difficult to keep track of too many conversations, I did that on Plentyoffish and was losing a feel for which guy was which. On OKCupid I have a deep involved chat going with ginger-non-kids-wanting-guy, and a light hearted books chat with a geek-guy, so that combined with my real-life drink tonight are enough to keep me occupied. I don’t want to start 25 more conversations! I’m not quite public enough to stick a link to my profile up and ask for comments like **ataraxy22** but I would appreciate feedback on what I could do to improve it, so if anyone reading this thread has 5 mins to spend criticising a stranger, send me a PM and I’ll give you the link. Probably 🙂 If I recognise your username from this thread 😉 ---
**Author:** ![amanset](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8dc957/32.png) [@amanset](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amanset)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2012, 9:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2667 "2012-03-20T09:19:01Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > _sigh_ > > Yes, you’re right; you win. > > Can we move on now? I apologise for trying to help. ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2012, 9:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2668 "2012-03-20T09:53:45Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > LOL! It’s been nearly three years for me, so don’t be so jealous. 😉 Okay, I’ve officially downgraded to “envious” 😉 > [@Misnomer](#): > > Sorry, I’m horrible at figuring out even my _own_ date outfits. _grin_ I’m thinking low(ish)-cut red peasant blouse, full knee-length black skirt, and new high heeled black ankle boots. We’re meeting in a rock pub, so I want to blend in, but not give too false an impression of myself, given that I normally live in jeans and trainers, or skirt and dresses, rather than the combats and Doc Martens that I think most of the girls he hangs around with wear. (TLDR - going for cute mumsy, rather than mutton-dressed-as-lamb!) Fingers crossed that he doesn’t cancel on me again! ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2012, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2669 "2012-03-20T14:12:59Z")
> [@hermette](#): > > Moving on, I’m really liking OKCupid’s little tricks to keep you active and involved. Funny, I always completely ignore those: I answer more questions whenever I’m bored and think of it, but I’ve never rated a profile or even really noticed those little prompts. > [@hermette](#): > > I’m thinking low(ish)-cut red peasant blouse, full knee-length black skirt, and new high heeled black ankle boots. We’re meeting in a rock pub, so I want to blend in, but not give too false an impression of myself, given that I normally live in jeans and trainers, or skirt and dresses, rather than the combats and Doc Martens that I think most of the girls he hangs around with wear. Hard to go wrong with red and black – in fact, those are the colors I’m wearing at work right now. _grin_ And I definitely wouldn’t worry about what those girls wear: he’s on a date with _you_, not one of them. 🙂 Fingers double crossed! ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2012, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2670 "2012-03-20T14:44:29Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > LOL! It’s been nearly three years for me, so don’t be so jealous. 😉 If this thread turns into a contest, you’ll lose. Let me just say “longer than three years” and leave it at that. ---
**Author:** ![breaking-reality](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a8b319/32.png) [@breaking-reality](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/breaking-reality)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2012, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2671 "2012-03-21T16:20:44Z")
I recently re-joined a dating site about a month ago and I have some general questions for anyone interested in answering. How long does it take messaging back and forth with someone before you know if you are interested? How long before you ask for their number, or ask them out? Do you find it a relief if the other person makes the first move, or do you prefer to be the one to make the move? If you don’t mind, please share your gender with your answer. I’m curious about the different approaches men and women take to online dating and what “rules” apply, if you have any. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2012, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2672 "2012-03-21T16:44:06Z")
> [@breaking-reality](#): > > I’m curious about the different approaches men and women take to online dating and what “rules” apply, if you have any. I think it’s less man vs. woman about how quickly to meet and more of an individual preference. I would prefer to meet the person after two or three decent email conversations. In my opinion, I don’t want to spend weeks getting to know someone online, feeling a spark in our conversations, if that spark won’t translate to a face to face meeting. But as much as I’ll be open to/ask for a meeting very quickly, I won’t talk on the phone before that initial meeting. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2012, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2673 "2012-03-21T18:37:33Z")
Here’s a Consumerist article about how some online dating sites will be starting to screen for sex offenders (tangentially, I had no idea that OKCupid and [Match.com](http://Match.com) had the same parent company!): [Match.com, eHarmony, Other Dating Sites to Screen for Sex Offenders](http://consumerist.com/2012/03/matchcom-eharmony-others-to-begin-screening-for-sex-offenders.html). > [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > If this thread turns into a contest, you’ll lose. Let me just say “longer than three years” and leave it at that. No contest; I was merely pointing out that **hermette** had no reason to feel jealous of me regarding a particular situation. > [@breaking-reality](#): > > How long does it take messaging back and forth with someone before you know if you are interested? How long before you ask for their number, or ask them out? Do you find it a relief if the other person makes the first move, or do you prefer to be the one to make the move? If you don’t mind, please share your gender with your answer. I’m a female, and my answers to all of the above are “What **Mauvaise** said.” 🙂 I wouldn’t say that it’s a “relief” when the other person makes the first move, but it’s usually a good sign. I don’t mind being the one to suggest meeting, though. ---
**Author:** ![breaking-reality](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a8b319/32.png) [@breaking-reality](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/breaking-reality)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2012, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2674 "2012-03-21T19:08:43Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > I’m a female, and my answers to all of the above are “What **Mauvaise** said.” 🙂 > > I wouldn’t say that it’s a “relief” when the other person makes the first move, but it’s usually a good sign. I don’t mind being the one to suggest meeting, though. I’m female, and I don’t mind contacting guys first. I do it pretty regularly and am selective about who I message and who I respond to. I’m not shy, and I am opinionated and not afraid to show it. But when it comes to meeting for the first time, or exchanging phone numbers, I tend to leave it up to the guy to make the first move. The times when I have made the first move, I have gotten negative feedback. I was actually told once, after asking guy if he’d like to go out, that he was sorry but he just didn’t like girls who were that forward. Fluke, possibly. But it left a lasting impression. Regardless of gender being a factor, I’m still curious how quickly someone decides they are interested in someone, compared to how quickly they’d like to meet the person. For instance, it’s pretty rare I message or reply to someone I’m not interested in, but it usually takes me a few emails to figure out if I’d like to meet them. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2012, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2675 "2012-03-21T19:27:17Z")
> [@Mauvaise](#): > > But as much as I’ll be open to/ask for a meeting very quickly, I won’t talk on the phone before that initial meeting. Why no phone calls? > [@breaking-reality](#): > > I’m female, and I don’t mind contacting guys first. I do it pretty regularly and am selective about who I message and who I respond to. I’m not shy, and I am opinionated and not afraid to show it. But when it comes to meeting for the first time, or exchanging phone numbers, I tend to leave it up to the guy to make the first move. The times when I have made the first move, I have gotten negative feedback. I was actually told once, after asking guy if he’d like to go out, that he was sorry but he just didn’t like girls who were that forward. Fluke, possibly. But it left a lasting impression. Besides biologically dictated things like pregnancy, I hate when people expect other people to behave a certain way because of their genitals. I don’t mind if people have personal preferences. If the dude had said that he preferred to make the first move because that’s the way he is, I wouldn’t have a problem with it, but saying almost the same thing because he’s the guy and you’re the girl is sexist. I suspect if everyone acted according to their personal preferences, they’d naturally conform to gender stereotypes more often than not, but gender stereotypes shouldn’t be the expectation. If you’re interested in someone else, you should be able to ask them out, regardless of what’s between your legs. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2012, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2676 "2012-03-21T19:30:36Z")
> [@breaking-reality](#): > > I was actually told once, after asking guy if he’d like to go out, that he was sorry but he just didn’t like girls who were that forward. Fluke, possibly. But it left a lasting impression. It’s a shame that the impression was “I shouldn’t do that again” instead of “that guy’s a tool.” If someone thinks that I’m being too forward when I ask to meet them, I feel like I dodged a bullet. 😃 For the record, though, that’s not to be confused with someone who simply isn’t ready to meet me as soon as I’m willing to meet him: I once waited about a month to meet a guy, including daily emails and I think one or two phone conversations, because he needed to feel like he knew me better before he was ready to meet in person. In his case my gut told me that a short wait might be worth it, and I was right: we wound up dating for a few months. He was definitely an exception, though. ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2012, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2677 "2012-03-21T19:32:02Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Fingers double crossed! Thank you - it went well, and we’re just working out when we’re free to see each other again! I may also have been giggling like a teenaged girl all day 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Trom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@Trom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trom)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2012, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2678 "2012-03-21T19:42:53Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > Why no phone calls? > > … I once had a friend get turned down solely because he proposed grabbing coffee via text message. I think we need an official rulebook. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2012, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2679 "2012-03-21T19:49:06Z")
> [@Trom](#): > > I once had a friend get turned down solely because he proposed grabbing coffee via text message. > > I think we need an official rulebook. I mentioned earlier in this thread(months ago) that a girl suggested meeting, I gave her my landline number and asked her to call me. She promptly deactivated her account. She later reactivated her account and now she is seeing someone(she wasn’t seeing someone when she first reactivated.) ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2012, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2680 "2012-03-21T19:59:19Z")
> [@hermette](#): > > I may also have been giggling like a teenaged girl all day 🙂 Yay!! And I know the feeling. 😉 > [@Trom](#): > > I once had a friend get turned down solely because he proposed grabbing coffee via text message. > > I think we need an official rulebook. A rulebook? Why? You _want_ to date picky bitches who would turn you down just because you don’t say or do something the way they prefer/think it should be done? ---
**Author:** ![Trom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@Trom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trom)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2012, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2681 "2012-03-21T20:06:38Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Yay!! And I know the feeling. 😉 > > A rulebook? Why? You _want_ to date picky bitches who would turn you down just because you don’t say or do something the way they prefer/think it should be done? It was a joke. I was pointing out that you don’t want phone calls. My friend was rejected because his potential date _did_ want a phone call before meeting. How’s a person supposed to know a person’s communication preferences prior to communicating? Granted, this applies more to numbers acquired in person… Sorry: Mauvaise, not you [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=133) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=135)