# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 137
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2012, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2722 "2012-04-04T01:26:01Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > No one’s saying that your journal isn’t there anymore, merely that there is no link to it anywhere on your profile (which I just verified: the “Journal” tab does not appear at all). So if you want people to see it, you need to include a link – especially in the part of your text where you direct the reader to your journal. 🙂 Hmm, when I click “My profile”, I expect to see it as other people do. There’s the “Journal” link right where it’s always been. Rather devious of them, really. And if they’re not linking to it, I wouldn’t be too surprised if they just deleted it altogether. (I tried to log out view my profile that way, but it wouldn’t let me see anything without logging in or creating a new account. Does OKC not allow any anonymous browsing anymore?) ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2012, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2723 "2012-04-04T02:03:28Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > Does OKC not allow any anonymous browsing anymore? It depends on your account settings: you can choose to let your profile be public, or viewable only by other OKC members. You can change it as often as you want. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2012, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2724 "2012-04-04T02:27:17Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > It depends on your account settings: you can choose to let your profile be public, or viewable only by other OKC members. You can change it as often as you want. I don’t know how my account is set as the browsee, but how does the browser get to it? Once I’ve logged out, the site doesn’t give me any options except logging in or creating a new username. ---
**Author:** ![Jaguars](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jaguars/32/5879_2.png) [@Jaguars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaguars)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2012, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2725 "2012-04-04T05:27:39Z")
Hi all, Thinking of throwing my hat into the ring. Could anyone tell me if there is a decent amount of profiles for South Auckland, NZ? NZ can be weird sometimes by using local equivalent sites (e.g we use trademe.co.nz instead of ebay and have low twitter use rates.) Would OK cupid be the best service to use? ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2012, 7:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2726 "2012-04-04T07:40:52Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > Fellow dating Dopers, tell me, how do you deal with the disappointment? I spent a lot of time and energy with this guy and I feel I deserve at least a “not interested” response. > > Hugs would also be appreciated 😉 _hugs_ I can’t speak for everyone, but I’d deal with it by not dwelling on him, and start making plans with your back-up guy. (you do have one, right?) 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2012, 7:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2727 "2012-04-04T07:48:39Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Meh. Sorry. Good luck with beardy-ginger-man. 🙂 Thank you - I’m seeing him on Friday for coffee! Nothing like getting back on the horse, eh? **Jaguars**! - I just did a quick search on OKCupid and lots of men aged between 20 and 50 came up within 25 miles of Auckland. Apologies if you’re looking for women 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2012, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2728 "2012-04-04T12:47:53Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > I don’t know how my account is set as the browsee, but how does the browser get to it? Once I’ve logged out, the site doesn’t give me any options except logging in or creating a new username. You have to know the username associated with the profile that you want to view; then, you browse to the URL (for example, [http://www.okcupid/profile/RobotArm2](http://www.okcupid/profile/RobotArm2)). > [@hermette](#): > > Thank you - I’m seeing him on Friday for coffee! Nothing like getting back on the horse, eh? Good on you! 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2012, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2729 "2012-04-04T12:50:10Z")
> [@hermette](#): > > Nothing like getting back on the horse, eh? A lot of ladies seem to find this alternative preferable to dealing with men. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2012, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2730 "2012-04-04T19:48:16Z")
> [@misnomer](#): > > Ouch…sorry. I second Robot Arm’s “hang in there.” > > However, it’s not “online dating” that sucks: dating sucks. Thanks, yes agreed dating SUCKS! (all caps!) > [@hermette](#): > > _hugs_ > > I can’t speak for everyone, but I’d deal with it by not dwelling on him, and start making plans with your back-up guy. (you do have one, right?) 😉 Thanks so much **hermette**. I am trying not to dwell on him but I’m having a hard time picking my jaw up off the ground that someone would act so rudely. I really thought he was a nice guy, and he went from nice to uber-douche so quickly. It’s very surprising, and I can’t help but feeling angry at being treated so rudely. I guess I just feel like I was being treated as a commodity, not as a human. I’m just honestly very curious what happened, why he went from interested to not interested so fast, and how he thinks it’s OK to just go radio silence so suddenly. It’s so cowardly! I keep going through every detail of our last date to try to figure out if I did something wrong. It’s a real bummer. :mad:\ And **hermette** , I suppose I do have a “backup,” but I just hate that I spent so much effort cultivating a relationship with “Zed,” to have all my energy just wasted, for some unknown reason. Lastly, Dopers, what say you – should I say anything else to him? Any classy way of telling him what he did was shitty? Or should I just leave it be? ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2012, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2731 "2012-04-04T19:55:20Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > Thanks, yes agreed dating SUCKS! (all caps!) > > Thanks so much **hermette**. I am trying not to dwell on him but I’m having a hard time picking my jaw up off the ground that someone would act so rudely. I really thought he was a nice guy, and he went from nice to uber-douche so quickly. It’s very surprising, and I can’t help but feeling angry at being treated so rudely. I guess I just feel like I was being treated as a commodity, not as a human. I’m just honestly very curious what happened, why he went from interested to not interested so fast, and how he thinks it’s OK to just go radio silence so suddenly. It’s so cowardly! I keep going through every detail of our last date to try to figure out if I did something wrong. It’s a real bummer. :mad:\ > > And **hermette** , I suppose I do have a “backup,” but I just hate that I spent so much effort cultivating a relationship with “Zed,” to have all my energy just wasted, for some unknown reason. > > Lastly, Dopers, what say you – should I say anything else to him? Any classy way of telling him what he did was shitty? Or should I just leave it be? I guarantee, you did nothing wrong. Were I to guess, I would say that he was having similar experiences with at least one other woman, and just decided to choose. Definitely shitty for him to just drop off the face of the Earth, though. A simple e-mail would at least have been nice. Well, little thick skin built up, but don’t let it scare you off. And I’d delete his number and e-mails…there’s nothing you can say to him that will make a difference. “Zed’s dead baby. Zed’s dead.” ETA > [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > Thanks, yes agreed dating SUCKS! (all caps!) It does, except for when it doesn’t. Stick with it. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2012, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2732 "2012-04-04T19:58:13Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > That’s odd. I can still get to it. Here’s the link if you’d like to try: > > [OkCupid](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/RobotArm2/journal) **Robot Arm** , I just want to say, how you doin’? 😉 If I lived near you, I’d totally be winking at you! ---
**Author:** ![pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2012, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2733 "2012-04-04T20:01:56Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > Or should I just leave it be? +1 on this. Sooner you move on, the better off you are. Look at it this way: he’s a rotten person, and you got to learn this sooner rather than later. Onward and upward! ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2012, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2734 "2012-04-04T20:03:08Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > I guarantee, you did nothing wrong. Were I to guess, I would say that he was having similar experiences with at least one other woman, and just decided to choose. > > Definitely shitty for him to just drop off the face of the Earth, though. A simple e-mail would at least have been nice. > > Well, little thick skin built up, but don’t let it scare you off. And I’d delete his number and e-mails…there’s nothing you can say to him that will make a difference. > > “Zed’s dead baby. Zed’s dead.” > > ETA > > It does, except for when it doesn’t. Stick with it. **Sicks Ate** , your words really have made me feel better, thank you so much. And thanks for the laugh 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2012, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2735 "2012-04-04T20:04:17Z")
> [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](#): > > +1 on this. Sooner you move on, the better off you are. Look at it this way: he’s a rotten person, and you got to learn this sooner rather than later. Onward and upward! THANK YOU **pseudotriton ruber ruber**! I love you guys! ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2012, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2736 "2012-04-04T20:10:29Z")
Ugh. Checked my messages at POF and I get shit like this: > [@](#): > > Dnt fll in lv w a strgr > [@](#): > > Hello how are you? I like your pics. > [@](#): > > Hello,there Seriously?? :rolleyes: Is anyone else using POF? I am also doing OKCupid, but I am not getting as many “bites” at OKCupid as I am with POF. I probably need to work on my profile at OKC. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2012, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2737 "2012-04-04T21:25:43Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > Hello fellow online dating Dopers, I need you all to commiserate with me. I am so frustrated by a recent dating experience. > > I met a guy, let’s call him “Zed,” on Plenty of Fish. He messaged me first, and we messaged for about a week, and talked about a bunch of shared interests. Then he asked me out. Our first date (a Saturday) we met for drinks. I thought we’d be done by 10 or 11pm, but we stayed out until 1am. It went well, and he asked me for another date. Next date (a Wednesday) was dinner and a movie. He kissed me, and asked me for another date, to go hiking at a park. Third date (a Saturday) was good, the hike was nice and we went to dinner after. Again, he kissed me. We made tentative plans for a fourth date mid-week (this week). > > During this whole time, we emailed each other at least once a day. After our last date on Saturday, I texted him that I had a good time, and he texted back that he did too. Then Sunday night I emailed him a short “how are you?” email. Then nothing. Haven’t heard from him since. It’s been 2 days. > > I know he’s been online, I can see that he was on Plenty of Fish yesterday and today. He even looked at my profile yesterday. > > I thought we had a spark. All indications were that he was interested, and I was definitely interested in him. I just don’t understand why he would go to complete radio silence if he were not interested. That is just so rude, and cowardly, IMO. > > I emailed him again today saying, “I have not heard from you, have you maybe changed your mind?” I have heard nothing back yet. > > I am disappointed, but also pretty angry that someone would just do an about face and not even bother to say anything. Maybe I am reacting too soon, but we have emailed each other every day for over 2 weeks, why would he stop responding, especially when we were supposed to make plans for our 4th date this week? > > Fellow dating Dopers, tell me, how do you deal with the disappointment? I spent a lot of time and energy with this guy and I feel I deserve at least a “not interested” response. > > Hugs would also be appreciated 😉 If it makes you feel any better, I recently had this exact same thing happen to me (except I am male). I can’t explain it either. The communication line went dead so abruptly that I thought something might have happened to her so I wrote to check three times just telling her to say she wasn’t dead or something. Nothing. Now I am pissed not because I liked her that much but because I didn’t know the game I was being sucked into. She is a lawyer though. Maybe they really don’t have a soul. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2012, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2738 "2012-04-04T21:38:33Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > If it makes you feel any better, I recently had this exact same thing happen to me (except I am male). I can’t explain it either. The communication line went dead so abruptly that I thought something might have happened to her so I wrote to check three times just telling her to say she wasn’t dead or something. Nothing. Now I am pissed not because I liked her that much but because I didn’t know the game I was being sucked into. She is a lawyer though. Maybe they really don’t have a soul. Shagnasty, thank you so much for sharing your story. It is nice to know I am not alone. At first I thought it was so out of character to not hear from him, that I worried he was run over by a bus or something, but then I saw on POF that he has logged into his account each day since. :rolleyes: He’s in banking, so maybe they have no souls either. Perhaps your lawyer and my banker got together and will live unhappily ever after? But yeah, it is infuriating to write a “hello? are you there?” email only to be ignored. It shows big time narcissism and lack of empathy. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2012, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2739 "2012-04-04T22:36:27Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > **Robot Arm** , I just want to say, how you doin’? 😉 If I lived near you, I’d totally be winking at you! Doin’ pretty well these days, thanks. Next time I’m in Northern Virginia, the coffee’s on me. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2012, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2740 "2012-04-05T00:15:41Z")
I forgot to mention this earlier: I was hanging out with the new guy on Sunday night, watching _Game of Thrones_, and my phone buzzed in a way that meant I had a new OKC message (I have the app installed). I laughed and told him what the notification meant, and he laughed, too. But since then I’ve gotten two more! Three messages in two days! For now I’m just replying with polite “thanks but no thanks” notes, but I’m thinking about deactivating my profile. > [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > Ugh. Checked my messages at POF and I get shit like this \ It’s not PoF: I get a lot of similar “hi”/“how r u”/“hey beautiful” messages on OKC (including one of the three that I mentioned above). Just the nature of the beast, I’m afraid. 🙂 > [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > Next time I’m in Northern Virginia, the coffee’s on me. I hear there are good women there. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![ataraxy22](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ataraxy22/32/307_2.png) [@ataraxy22](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ataraxy22)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2012, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/2741 "2012-04-05T01:20:26Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > Is anyone else using POF? I am also doing OKCupid, but I am not getting as many “bites” at OKCupid as I am with POF. I probably need to work on my profile at OKC. I’m using POF as well as Okcupid, but definitely have been liking Okcupid more. I think the open-ended essay format on POF discourages people from writing much, and thus it’s really hard to get a sense of who people are. For me, this means I don’t often initiate contact with anyone. I think there are some diamonds in the rough there, and a good first message to someone probably really stands out from the crowd, moreso than on Okcupid, but almost everyone that seemed interesting to me on POF, I’ve also come across on Okcupid. That said, I am supposed to be meeting someone from POF tomorrow evening, assuming she confirms between now and then! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=136) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=138)