# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 151
**Author:** ![Tanaqui](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3bc359/32.png) [@Tanaqui](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tanaqui)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2012, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3003 "2012-09-15T04:12:56Z")
> [@vandal](#): > > So I’ve been on match for a little over 4 months now. I haven’t had one date yet. > > I send roughly 20 messages and about 50 winks a month. In those 4 months, I’ve had 2 replies and 3 wink backs. Those messages and winks never went anywhere. > > I’ve also never been messaged first and I’ve only been winked at first three times. I wasn’t physically attracted to them so I politely declined the winks. > > The messages I send are not a generic “copy and paste” type of message either. They’re actually personalized and profile specific. > > It seems at this rate, it’s almost a certainty that I’m going to take advantage of the “6 month guarantee” that match is offering. > > Here’s my profile along with the pictures. > > [http://www.match.com/profile/showprofile.aspx?lid=1000005&TP=U&Handle=atm66&uid=Ez12J8Wggy+im3uyWtWzcg==](http://www.match.com/profile/showprofile.aspx?lid=1000005&TP=U&Handle=atm66&uid=Ez12J8Wggy+im3uyWtWzcg==) > > What the hell am I doing wrong? You’re cute, and your profile’s pretty good. I’d tone down on the kookiness a little bit perhaps, and try to be a little less generic (you’ve basically just put a slightly different spin on the classic but boring “likes to go out but loves to stay in too!!”)–but you’re 32 and searching for ladies 22-30 only? That’s pretty much an immediate “strike out” for me. Don’t know if that’s on purpose or not–if so, I applaud your honesty, but in discussions with my female friends, one thing we’ve been unanimous on is that guys looking only for younger women creep us out. For the record, I’m a 26 year old lady grad student, so pretty solidly in your demographic. If it wasn’t that whole age thing, I’d probably message you back. I’d also highly recommend OKCupid for you. It also has the benefit of being free. ---
**Author:** ![vandal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/858c86/32.png) [@vandal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vandal)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2012, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3004 "2012-09-16T03:11:21Z")
> [@Tanaqui](#): > > You’re cute, and your profile’s pretty good. I’d tone down on the kookiness a little bit perhaps, and try to be a little less generic (you’ve basically just put a slightly different spin on the classic but boring “likes to go out but loves to stay in too!!”)–but you’re 32 and searching for ladies 22-30 only? That’s pretty much an immediate “strike out” for me. Don’t know if that’s on purpose or not–if so, I applaud your honesty, but in discussions with my female friends, one thing we’ve been unanimous on is that guys looking only for younger women creep us out. Point taken. I’ll update my profile accordingly. Thanks for the critique. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2012, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3005 "2012-09-17T18:03:57Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > Annnnnnnd, I’m back out there. Me, too. Except, not really: part of why I broke up with him over the weekend is because I don’t think I want to be in a relationship with _anyone_ right now. So, I won’t be jumping back into OKCupid-land any time soon. I think. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2012, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3006 "2012-09-17T18:26:27Z")
Sorry to hear that anyway, **Misnomer**. Hope you’re okay about it. And window-shopping for a while can’t hurt 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2012, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3007 "2012-09-17T19:28:00Z")
> [@Tanaqui](#): > > one thing we’ve been unanimous on is that guys looking only for younger women creep us out. This is something I have trouble with too. I wouldn’t be opposed to dating someone a few years older than me, but I swear that every single woman above the age of 30 on OKCupid looks exactly like my mother, which creeps _me_ out. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2012, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3008 "2012-09-17T19:28:56Z")
> [@Cinnamon\_Imp](#): > > Sorry to hear that anyway, **Misnomer**. Hope you’re okay about it. Thanks! And I am. 🙂 We dated for 6 months, which was probably about 1 month too long (frankly). I feel bad about hurting him, but mostly I’m relieved. > [@](#): > > And window-shopping for a while can’t hurt 😉 LOL! Part of why I broke up with him this past weekend – instead of waiting a little while longer – is because my birthday is at the end of this week. I wanted to spare him having to buy me something and having to sit through a night of live jazz, but I have to admit that a tiny part of me is like, “Another birthday alone… **sigh** ” (I’ll be 41). That’s only 1% of how I’m feeling right now, though: the other 99% is totally ok. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3009 "2012-10-26T17:16:02Z")
I used to have a line in my OkC profile that said that I was unemployed and therefore not looking to date, but I was open to being pen pals. That was a mistake. I ended up dating a woman off-and-on for about six months. She kept breaking up with me, but we kept acting like a couple. We broke up for good two weeks ago. I think we will still be friends after a cooling off period. Shockingly, one of the major issues was my joblessness. I disabled my profile about a month ago. I have another job interview Monday. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3010 "2012-10-26T18:04:11Z")
I found a few profiles worth contacting, and sent some messages a few weeks ago. No replies, and none even bothered to visit my profile. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3011 "2012-10-26T20:04:26Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > none even bothered to visit my profile. As far as you know: they could have anonymous browsing turned on. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3012 "2012-10-26T20:29:39Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > Female perspective? If you were to send a message like that, what would your underlying motive likely be? Update? And as a female - my intentions would be 1) friendly/platonic while very much hoping for 2) potentially romantic. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3013 "2012-10-26T22:17:14Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > As far as you know: they could have anonymous browsing turned on. 🙂 I suppose that’s possible. Still sucks, though. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3014 "2012-10-26T22:41:01Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > As far as you know: they could have anonymous browsing turned on. 🙂 On Match, even with anonymous browsing, there’s a counter that will still increase each time someone visits your profile. For anyone of a number of reasons, a lot of people still won’t check out your profile after you send them an email. I get that on OKC they can browse anonymously, or log out and look at your profile or set up a fake profile or have a friend (that’s also on OKC) check you out…but you can’t do that on Match without the counter going up. Either way, just like you have to accept that you’ll get very few replies, you also have to accept that many of the people you send out messages to will even check out your profile. It’s just part of how it works. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3015 "2012-10-26T22:54:38Z")
[Here](http://www.reddit.com/r/OkCupid/comments/11yj0m/i_am_the_real_chriscoyne_cofounder_of_okcupid/) is a Q&A with OkCupid cofounder Chris Coyne that you might find interesting. The most interesting thing to me that he said is Special Blend is made up of people they think will respond to you. ---
**Author:** ![Curiosity\_Kills\_Her](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8c91f0/32.png) [@Curiosity\_Kills\_Her](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Curiosity_Kills_Her)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2012, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3016 "2012-10-27T03:33:56Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > I suppose that’s possible. Still sucks, though. I think anonymous browsing is very possible. That’s how I’d roll. Stealth mode! ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2012, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3017 "2012-10-27T13:20:22Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > I suppose that’s possible. Still sucks, though. Yeah, I know. It just seemed like the idea that they weren’t even looking at your profile was bumming you out even more. I know that when I’m active on OKC I always browse anonymously, so I don’t think you should infer anything based on what you see/don’t see in that regard. > [@Joey\_P](#): > > I get that on OKC they can browse anonymously, or log out and look at your profile or set up a fake profile or have a friend (that’s also on OKC) check you out…but you can’t do that on Match without the counter going up. I didn’t realize that **Robot Arm** had a Match account; I thought he was only on OKC. My bad! > [@Joey\_P](#): > > Either way, just like you have to accept that you’ll get very few replies, you also have to accept that many of the people you send out messages to will even check out your profile. Of course. My point was that, with anonymous browsing enabled on a site like OKC, you can’t know exactly who is – or isn’t – looking at your profile. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2012, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3018 "2012-10-27T13:42:17Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > [Here](http://www.reddit.com/r/OkCupid/comments/11yj0m/i_am_the_real_chriscoyne_cofounder_of_okcupid/) is a Q&A with OkCupid cofounder Chris Coyne that you might find interesting. The most interesting thing to me that he said is Special Blend is made up of people they think will respond to you. > [@](#): > > no, I don’t think so. We intentionally return people to special blend by default, which can be annoying, I know, because it does a very good job, relatively, at finding people who are likely to reply to you. I say relatively, because some people have a hard time getting replies no matter what. That’s interesting. I always change the search to Online Now/Last Online. Occasionally changing the terms to Online in the Last Day/Best Match. But, in the end, it’s always the Usual Suspects. I know who’s going to show up. Maybe I’ll look at special blend. It drives me nuts that it always goes back to that. Now, if could make the first part (the time) stop being random. Every time I go to search I think “Well, I’m pretty sure I didn’t leave that at ‘online in the past _year_’ last time I used it’.” I wonder if Special Blend weights ‘replies often’ more heavily. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2012, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3019 "2012-10-27T14:18:47Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Yeah, I know. It just seemed like the idea that they weren’t even looking at your profile was bumming you out even more. No, it just seemed to be adding insult to injury. Either that, or I’m just looking for something to complain about. > [@](#): > > I didn’t realize that **Robot Arm** had a Match account; I thought he was only on OKC. My bad! I’m not sure **Joey P** meant that reply exclusively to me, but I do have a profile on match as well. > [@Joey\_P](#): > > That’s interesting. I always change the search to Online Now/Last Online. Occasionally changing the terms to Online in the Last Day/Best Match. But, in the end, it’s always the Usual Suspects. I know who’s going to show up. Maybe I’ll look at special blend. It drives me nuts that it always goes back to that. Now, if could make the first part (the time) stop being random. Every time I go to search I think “Well, I’m pretty sure I didn’t leave that at ‘online in the past _year_’ last time I used it’.” > > I wonder if Special Blend weights ‘replies often’ more heavily. Just tried that search. The third result was one of the women I just wrote to a few weeks ago. ---
**Author:** ![HairyCactus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/2bfe46/32.png) [@HairyCactus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HairyCactus)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2012, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3020 "2012-11-01T18:18:24Z")
Here’s the deal. I met a girl about a year ago. We got on great together - movies, nights down the pub, etc. A couple of months ago, I asked her on a proper date and she said no. She said it was ‘complicated’ and she liked me as a friend - nothing more. Friend Zoned ☹ Fine I say. I enjoy her company, and we carried on having our nights out together and everything was good. Until 3 weeks ago when she dropped the bombshell. She was going on a date with someone. Not just anyone, but a barman of our local pub (who I was friends with). I thought I could handle it. I couldn’t. I’m trying to get over her, but it’s incredibly difficult. I’ve stopped all contact with her, however: 1. it’s the only pub within walking distance so going elsewhere is not an option, not only that but all my friends are there 2. he works there quite a lot so I’m going to have to see him regularly which reminds me of her 3. hi Opal! So what can I do apart from becoming a hermit? ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2012, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3021 "2012-11-01T18:31:07Z")
> [@Mauvaise](#): > > Update? > > And as a female - my intentions would be 1) friendly/platonic while very much hoping for 2) potentially romantic. 😉 It never came to fruition…without elaborating too much, the following week, reconciled with my g/f. Ended up being one of the rare good bumps in the road. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2012, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3022 "2012-11-01T21:35:46Z")
> [@HairyCactus](#): > > So what can I do apart from becoming a hermit? Frankly? You just have to suck it up. I know it hurts, but you’ve made it clear that you can’t/won’t stop going to that pub. Maybe that’s for the best, really: as long as you’re capable of acting like an adult when she’s/the barman’s around, even if you don’t feel like one, you shouldn’t change your life for her (except maybe avoid the pub just for a _little_ while if you’re really struggling?). It’ll get better soon. Sorry. > [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > It never came to fruition…without elaborating too much, the following week, reconciled with my g/f. Ended up being one of the rare good bumps in the road. Excellent! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=150) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=152)