# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 173
**Author:** ![DingoelGringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9d8465/32.png) [@DingoelGringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DingoelGringo)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3444 "2014-07-15T01:18:46Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > Long convulted version > Okay, as long as this is turning into a pseudo-advice thread. Here’s my dilemma (\<-is that spelled right?). > I exchanged a few emails with a girl over the course of a night (two each way), she didn’t reply to my last one. The next day I sent another one with just a question in (what kind of movies do you like, or something like that), no reply, the next day I sent her another email along the lines of “It was nice talking to you, if you’re still interested etc etc etc”, nothing. Then about 3 weeks later I sent her one more (what do I have to lose at this point) email telling her I’m still interested if she still wants to talk. The next day she apologized and said that she’s been REALLY busy and just hasn’t had time (despite the fact that she’s online for at least an hour a day…just while I’m on) and that it would be easier if she could call me, and asked for my phone number. I replied and tried to carry on the conversation but didn’t send my number. Haven’t heard back since. That was a few days ago. Just an hour ago, I sent her another “if you’re still interested” email. > So, do I just let this go? Do I send her my phone number and accept that even though she’s online all the time, maybe she really has been busy. It’s entirely possible she just signs on but walks away from the computer, or she just signs on for a second but [match.com](http://match.com) takes a while to update her online/offline status. > > My plan, at the moment has been wait for her to have her IM’s turned on and just send her an IM. > She’s one of the only people I’ve had any interest in pursuing…perhaps an email that says “Wow, totally forgot to put my phone number in that email, sorry about that. xxx-xxx-xxxx, I’ll be at home tonight and tomorrow after work if you want to chat.” I don’t know why, but I’d prefer to just jump right in and meet her face to face. > > TLDR version > We’ll exchange a few emails, then I won’t hear from her again for a while, I’ll send another email, she’ll reply, I’ll reply, then I won’t hear from her again. Do I pursue this or let it go? I’m trying to chalk it up to her just being really busy in life…as opposed to being flakey. Maybe she works online. A lot of us do in the 21st century. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3445 "2014-07-15T01:19:42Z")
It’s possible you (AT) sort of misread that. She might just mean that she’s sick of talking to people online that aren’t really interested in ever meeting IRL…or not that they’re not interested, but they’re never going to work up the nerve to make it to that point. Basically, if you’re not willing to meet her in meatspace just keep moving, don’t waste her time. As opposed to ‘ask me on a date in the first email’ There’s a question on OKC somewhere that says something to the effect of ‘how willing are you to meet someone you met on OKC in real life’ I’ve found that if they don’t put “Totally willing” the discussion tends to fizzle out after a while and I’ve learned to not even bother with the people that put ‘not willing’. ---
**Author:** ![DingoelGringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9d8465/32.png) [@DingoelGringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DingoelGringo)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3446 "2014-07-15T01:21:29Z")
> [@Agent\_Foxtrot](#): > > So I found someone on OKCupid whose profile I really liked and we highly rated each other. She mentions that people should message her if they’re interested in going out on dates and talking face-to-face instead of through internet text. I decide to take a chance and suggest we meet for coffee in the first message. She responds back a few hours later, basically saying: > It sounds to me like she’s willing to meet, but wants to swap messages a bit first, which kind of flies in the face of what she said in her profile. What should I say? I want to show her that I’m understanding of her busy schedule, but I also don’t want to appear to be unconfident or pushy. I’ve had a history of letting my some of my SO’s completely dictate the pace and nature of our relationships, and I want to be assertive (but not aggressive) this time. Tell her you have no intention of quitting coffee within the next few weeks, so let me know when you are free, Babe. And don’t forget the Babe or Hon or some such. ---
**Author:** ![DingoelGringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9d8465/32.png) [@DingoelGringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DingoelGringo)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3447 "2014-07-15T01:25:35Z")
> [@jayrey](#): > > Can someone explain OKcupid’s percentage of match algorythym to me? I got a message a week or so ago from a man who was all a twitter because we were at 99% match. We have both answered lots of the questions that the system bases its match percentage on and I have not shied away from indicating the match areas that were mandatory for me. I am a **nonChristian** female who **loves dogs and who is seeking a man at least 5"9’** (my height), height/weight appropriate, **no older than 62** , \*\*within 25 miles \*\*of me. The only area in which this man and I matched was the 25 miles. He was 67, 5’5", 200 lbs, hates dogs, and attends a Christian church regularly. Sure, maybe we matched in some other, much less important areas, like the kind of food we liked or whether we thought Goth chicks were cool or lame. But on the other stuff, no way. What gives? It is how you and him answer all their goofy questions such as Do you wash your underwear in the sink or in the washing machine with your other clothes. ---
**Author:** ![DingoelGringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9d8465/32.png) [@DingoelGringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DingoelGringo)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3448 "2014-07-15T01:35:57Z")
I met a gal on OK Cupid and drove 100 miles to meet her in Boston. We went out a dozen times. She claimed to be a retired doctor from the Dominican Republic and we decided to go there and live together. She also claimed she had her own house we could live on free and she had a pension of about $500 USD, but in pesos. So we arrove in the Dominican Republic and it was all lies. The house wasn’t hers, but belonged to her brother. She had been living there for free, but he expected me to pay $350.00 a month rent, and she had no pension. I don’t know if she had ever actually been a doctora or not. So I moved out, but am still in the Dominican Republic. I can almost survive on my social security and have found a gal only 44 years old who earns all of $200 a month, but with my pension we get by. ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3449 "2014-07-15T01:45:49Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Set your date. Say “I’m free on Wednesday after 7:00. Bobs coffee in Halfwayville has amazing biscotti. Could you do 7:30?” I ended up saying, “I can relate to a 60ish-hour workweek. Are you on a rotating schedule?” I figured it showed some confidence that I understood the nature of her job but allowed her to give me another clue. ---
**Author:** ![DingoelGringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9d8465/32.png) [@DingoelGringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DingoelGringo)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3450 "2014-07-15T01:51:21Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Or they can just really like their dog? Dogs are pretty kick ass animals, for one, and for another, I’ve found that those most enamoured with their pets and also under the impression that others will be too, are essentially always dog owners. How many of your friends’ dogs have Facebook profiles? Maybe two? Now how about cats? Zero? > > I love dogs and don’t care for cats at all, but I respond with some combination of rolled eyes and bewilderment to the constant stream of dog updates on Facebook. Really, dog owners, get a grip. And if a gal has a pic of her dog on the dating website you can know she isn’t really looking for a man,just wanting to showcase her dog!!! ---
**Author:** ![FBJJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8e8cbc/32.png) [@FBJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FBJJ)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3451 "2014-07-15T02:03:01Z")
I had a date from online on Sat night. sent a text when I arrived home telling herI hope she made home ok and wished her luck on her presentation She responded 2 days later with “Thanks for the message. I got home safely and it was a pleasure meeting you. My presentation went very well” Sounds like she is interested? ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3452 "2014-07-15T02:03:57Z")
You know you’re [DingoelGringo] answering questions that are really old (in some cases 4 years), right? And not being all that helpful. ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3453 "2014-07-15T02:06:36Z")
> [@FBJJ](#): > > I had a date from online on Sat night. sent a text when I arrived home telling herI hope she made home ok and wished her luck on her presentation > She responded 2 days later with > > “Thanks for the message. I got home safely and it was a pleasure meeting you. My presentation went very well” > Sounds like she is interested? Hard to say. The message comes off more coldly professional than romantically casual. Ask her about a second date and see what she says. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3454 "2014-07-15T02:06:51Z")
> [@FBJJ](#): > > I had a date from online on Sat night. sent a text when I arrived home telling herI hope she made home ok and wished her luck on her presentation > She responded 2 days later with > > “Thanks for the message. I got home safely and it was a pleasure meeting you. My presentation went very well” > Sounds like she is interested? A)Yes, otherwise she wouldn’t have responded. B)Her response is why you should always ask a question. What do you have to go on now. C)Text is even better since you don’t have to write a whole big email. It’s perfectly appropriate to say ‘glad it went well, any interest in meeting again next week?’ You could send a similar email to her as well. If she’s not interested she’ll either shoot you down or just not reply. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3455 "2014-07-15T02:08:25Z")
> [@Agent\_Foxtrot](#): > > Hard to say. The message comes off more coldly professional than romantically casual. Ask her about a second date and see what she says. That could be the case as well. I’ve talked to some people (online) that are just terrible at holding up their end of the conversation. I’ve felt more like I’m interviewing them than talking to them. That is, they just answer my questions and don’t discuss them or ask me anything. ---
**Author:** ![FBJJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8e8cbc/32.png) [@FBJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FBJJ)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3456 "2014-07-15T02:51:32Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > A)Yes, otherwise she wouldn’t have responded. > B)Her response is why you should always ask a question. What do you have to go on now. > C)Text is even better since you don’t have to write a whole big email. It’s perfectly appropriate to say ‘glad it went well, any interest in meeting again next week?’ You could send a similar email to her as well. If she’s not interested she’ll either shoot you down or just not reply. well I tried to call and never heard the voicemail to leave a message so I’m done with it if she wants to talk she has my number ---
**Author:** ![Jaguars](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jaguars/32/5879_2.png) [@Jaguars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaguars)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3457 "2014-07-15T03:23:35Z")
> [@FBJJ](#): > > well I tried to call and never heard the voicemail to leave a message so I’m done with it > if she wants to talk she has my number I don’t know what she’ll make of a random phone call from you but it just sounds like she’s busy or doesn’t carry her phone round all the time. I would have just sent her a reply text, possibly asking if she wanted to see you again. Agent Foxtrot, That girl is just making a distinction between chatting for flirting and chatting to organise something. go for it. ---
**Author:** ![pancakes3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ba9def/32.png) [@pancakes3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pancakes3)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3458 "2014-07-15T03:33:10Z")
Re: Foxtrot’s question -\> 99% sure that she’s just having a busy week or a week with prior engagements scheduled so she’s waiting for you to ask her out some time next week. The “we can chat for a bit” is more or less a throwaway line. Edit to add: Is that story for real Dingo?? ---
**Author:** ![FBJJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8e8cbc/32.png) [@FBJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FBJJ)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3459 "2014-07-15T03:46:32Z")
> [@Jaguars](#): > > I don’t know what she’ll make of a random phone call from you but it just sounds like she’s busy or doesn’t carry her phone round all the time. I would have just sent her a reply text, possibly asking if she wanted to see you again. > > Agent Foxtrot, That girl is just making a distinction between chatting for flirting and chatting to organise something. go for it. That’s my next move in a few days ---
**Author:** ![Trom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@Trom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trom)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3460 "2014-07-15T14:23:14Z")
I’ve had a decent time on [Coffee Meets Bagel](https://coffeemeetsbagel.com). I like that it only gives each person one match per day. I live in a major metro area, and with things like Tinder I think a lot of people jump from one online profile to the next without much thought (including me). CMB forces people to slow down a bit. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3461 "2014-07-15T14:53:05Z")
My friend uses that site, but what’s with it having to go through Facebook? My friend said to me, and I’m pulling this directly from a text, to “stop being a paranoid asshole,” but I automatically don’t bother with anything that needs to link to a social media account. I’m not “paranoid,” I just don’t like it. Should I get over it? He’s having bad luck with it, but it could very well be him. He’s… weird. ---
**Author:** ![Trom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@Trom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trom)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3462 "2014-07-15T15:24:34Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > My friend uses that site, but what’s with it having to go through Facebook? My friend said to me, and I’m pulling this directly from a text, to “stop being a paranoid asshole,” but I automatically don’t bother with anything that needs to link to a social media account. I’m not “paranoid,” I just don’t like it. > > Should I get over it? He’s having bad luck with it, but it could very well be him. He’s… weird. Yeah, the Facebook thing sucks. I used to fight that battle, but eventually gave in. I just try to limit the stuff I share as much as I can - not show apps on Facebook, etc. I’ve definitely noticed a different demographic with the people on CMB compared to OkC. A lot of OkC matches are 25 year old baristas/artists/students. CMB appears to be composed of 30 year old lawyers/consultants/account supervisors. I’ve heard the male population is heavily skewed towards Asian/Indian dudes. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/3463 "2014-07-15T15:53:09Z")
Hmm, well that’s encouraging. By the time I quit OKC I was like, “Is anybody a grown up with a real job?” I don’t get hung up on what people do for a living in general, but I was getting tired of every guy with a ratchet-ass beard calling himself an artist. Maybe I’ll give CMB a chance. The idea of going back to online dating gives me mild heartburn, but I can take some Tums and get over it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=172) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=174)