# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 25
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/481 "2010-06-25T22:08:11Z")
> [@Mauvaise](#): > > Hahaha - I just got an email from a (much) younger man who started out stating that he was younger than my age requirements, but he was taking a chance on writing anyway. I was very :dubious: that he was a real person and not one of you all playing a prank. A quick look at his profile assured me that he was real, or at least not one of you. > > What got me to post here is he wrote also: > > At first I thought maybe English wasn’t his first language, and I’m still leaning that way, but he only lists English and C++ as languages he speaks, so :: shrug :: > > I replied (as politely as I could) that proactively accusing anyone that doesn’t want to be his friend as being a racist probably wasn’t the best approach. I explained that I had no issues with being friends with people in their 20’s, or “non whites”, but that in looking at his profile I didn’t see much common ground and I wished him luck and happiness in all his pursuits. > > Maybe I should have ignored him, but on the off chance that his… blunder (IMO) was based on not being comfortable with English, I wanted to help him out for future communications with people that might be interested. > > Did I handle that ok? How would you have done differently? I do try to reply to anyone that contacts me, because I know how it feels to put yourself out there and make the first contact. I, like the other 99.9% of people on OkCupid, ignore people I’m not interested in. But if a woman sent me a message hinting that she’d consider me a racist for not considering her I’d probably respond rather… ah, well, less cordially? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/482 "2010-06-26T04:07:50Z")
Well apparently I handled it correctly - he messaged me back thanking me for helping him and that he had let a few bad experiences change how he did things. He said he even changed his profile. He used to have (under the “you should contact me if” section) “Blah blah blah\*” and “if you’re not a racist.” He took that last part out. Good god, I feel like I kicked a puppy! 😃 \*Though he used actual words. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/483 "2010-06-26T04:21:06Z")
Since I almost never log on from home, I decided to take the opportunity to skim back through the thread and do a drive-by on every profile link I could find. If you had a random visit from some 20-something white chick in Milwaukee, that was probably me. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/484 "2010-06-26T04:24:26Z")
> [@Mauvaise](#): > > Well apparently I handled it correctly - he messaged me back thanking me for helping him and that he had let a few bad experiences change how he did things. He said he even changed his profile. He used to have (under the “you should contact me if” section) “Blah blah blah\*” and “if you’re not a racist.” He took that last part out. > > Good god, I feel like I kicked a puppy! 😃 > \*Though he used actual words. Huh. I don’t see how saying you don’t want to be a with a racist is calling anyone a racist\*. It’s still stupid to put on your profile, since self-identified racists are few and far between, so you won’t be weeding out anyone. But I would never assume a boilerplate dismissal was a slight against individual me. ETA: \* Except maybe the people he dated in the past. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 6:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/485 "2010-06-26T06:32:18Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > It’s still stupid to put on your profile, since self-identified racists are few and far between, so you won’t be weeding out anyone. Yeah, this is the point. There aren’t going to be any racists who read your profile and say to themselves “Wow, this guy is interes- wait. No racists? Shit. Oh well.” Instead, you’re just going to make people think that you’re some bleeding heart who complains about racism all the time. That shit’s a downer and nobody wants to date someone like that. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2010, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/486 "2010-06-28T04:28:17Z")
So, since I’ve joined, I’ve now received three emails (and a few others that have winked) from girls that have lived anywhere from 5 to 15 hours away. My only guess is that they have there search set to something like 500 or 1000 miles and either are willing to get into a long distance relationship or didn’t realize how far away I was. I wish people would say "I realize we live far away but: 1)I’m in your city every other week for work. 2)I’m okay with a LDR if you are. 3)I’m moving to [your area] next week/month/year/after I graduate//back home soon 3a)I don’t really have any ties to this city and/or I’m willing to move for a promising relationship. 4)Or in some other way acknowledge the 500 mile distance between us. And Bump. ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2010, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/487 "2010-06-28T12:27:14Z")
I can understand your concern, **Joey P**. To me, someone that chooses you when you are so far away may be looking for an online thing or searching for a key word vs. a distance. I used to search 100 miles of my location, because I was indeed willing to travel a few hours for a good relationship. I don’t think it’s a bad thing for you to ask them what they are looking for, given the distance. ---
**Author:** ![The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_wind_of_my_soul)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2010, 12:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/488 "2010-06-28T12:53:39Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > So, since I’ve joined, I’ve now received three emails (and a few others that have winked) from girls that have lived anywhere from 5 to 15 hours away. My only guess is that they have there search set to something like 500 or 1000 miles and either are willing to get into a long distance relationship or didn’t realize how far away I was. I wish people would say "I realize we live far away but: > 1)I’m in your city every other week for work. > 2)I’m okay with a LDR if you are. > 3)I’m moving to [your area] next week/month/year/after I graduate//back home soon > 3a)I don’t really have any ties to this city and/or I’m willing to move for a promising relationship. > 4)Or in some other way acknowledge the 500 mile distance between us. > > And > > Bump. Some of this comes with time. I’ve had guys contact me who were either moving to the area soon or who were cool with the travel time, but they didn’t reveal this information until after we had been talking for a little while. It makes sense when you think about it, because how much effort a person is willing to put in will depend on how much he/she ends up liking you after getting to know you. ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2010, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/489 "2010-06-28T15:25:11Z")
I guess I can try this as well. I’m outright new at this since my wife just left awhile ago. Unfortunately I’m the photographer of the family so I get very few shots of me. [My profile](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Kenderson), and be gentle on me. 😛 Is it ok to message people who fall outside my range? Someone looked at my profile, but she’s 26, which is a bit too young for me, but she has some interesting things in her profile, and she was cute. I’m just not sure if I would date someone that young. ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2010, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/490 "2010-06-28T15:29:58Z")
**Edward,** welcome back to the pool. Watch out for the blue spots - I hear that’s pee 🙂 If someone interests you, contact them. Age range, smage range, imho. I’m met some mature 26 year olds, and married a very immature 36 year old - so you never know! If she has some interesting things in her profile - tell her you see some interesting things in her profile. There’s nothing bad about starting a conversation. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, enjoy the results whatever they may be 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2010, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/491 "2010-06-28T15:31:57Z")
> [@Edward\_The\_Head](#): > > I’m just not sure if I would date someone that young. This is your first problem. 😉 But keep in mind that someone visiting your profile doesn’t mean anything. I’ve had a few hundred girls view my page since I first created it a few months ago. I doubt most of them are interested. ---
**Author:** ![tr0psn4j](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@tr0psn4j](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tr0psn4j)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2010, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/492 "2010-06-28T17:39:19Z")
> [@](#): > > Is it ok to message people who fall outside my range? Someone looked at my profile, but she’s 26, which is a bit too young for me, but she has some interesting things in her profile, and she was cute. I’m just not sure if I would date someone that young. Yeah, why not? IF you want to take the time to write a message, the worst thing that you’ll have happen is never getting a response and wasting five minutes of your life. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2010, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/493 "2010-06-28T18:37:48Z")
> [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](#): > > Some of this comes with time. I’ve had guys contact me who were either moving to the area soon or who were cool with the travel time, but they didn’t reveal this information until after we had been talking for a little while. It makes sense when you think about it, because how much effort a person is willing to put in will depend on how much he/she ends up liking you after getting to know you. Depends, though. I’m explicit in my profile that I’m only looking for locals, because I’m busy enough in real life that I’m just not going to invest a lot of time and effort on someone I may never meet. Nor am I interested in LDRs. If I can’t get to know you in person, it probably won’t happen; as far as I’m concerned the website is only a screening tool, and the actual human interaction portion still requires actual live human engagement. I still have gotten lengthy messages from folks who are 500 miles away, who say “let’s try this, what do you say?” and my only response to that is “exactly what I said in my profile – if I can’t get to know you in person, I don’t have time for you.” So in my case, if you don’t acknowledge the distance and have some sort of solution for it (which for me would be “I’m moving there in [a specific timeframe] anyway” because “I’d pick up my entire life and move across the country for someone I barely know” strikes me as rather, um, desperate), you’d get immediately shot down, if I respond at all. > [@Edward\_The\_Head](#): > > Is it ok to message people who fall outside my range? Someone looked at my profile, but she’s 26, which is a bit too young for me, but she has some interesting things in her profile, and she was cute. I’m just not sure if I would date someone that young. At this point you don’t know if you’d date her anyway, since you haven’t spoken to her and have no idea if she’s a jerk or not. 🙂 Also, 26-year-olds often have older friends. Make a friend of her (assuming she’s not a jerk) and you widen your net, even if you decide you wouldn’t date her. ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2010, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/494 "2010-06-28T22:19:28Z")
So why is it that the best match for me seems to be Robot Arm? ---
**Author:** ![DivineComedienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c67d28/32.png) [@DivineComedienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DivineComedienne)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2010, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/495 "2010-06-29T02:46:26Z")
I’m on OKC, and I’m a bit puzzled by it. I keep getting Winks and brief emails, some sound like they’re trying to be friendly, and others quite frankly sound like the guy sends the same email to every woman they see… …and then that’s it. I send them back a brief “Thanks for the compliment, why don’t you tell me about yourself”, etc. and either get another 10-word response, or nothing. I don’t get it! If they were interested enough in me to send me a message, why no follow-up? Am I supposed to pursue these guys? I guess I’m used to a guy showing an active interest in me, pursuing me, so to speak; and I don’t know if I’m not showing enough interest to get them to follow up. So, any guys out there who are on OKC (and I am also on Eharmony, and the same thing seems to happen there) who can tell me what’s going on? And while I’m asking…I’m in my mid-forties, and keep getting approached by 25-year-olds. Now, this is flattering, I admit; but am I correct to assume that they’re mostly looking to get laid by a (I hate using this word but it seems to fit here) “cougar”? ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2010, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/496 "2010-06-29T02:48:25Z")
> [@DivineComedienne](#): > > I’m on OKC, and I’m a bit puzzled by it. I keep getting Winks and brief emails, some sound like they’re trying to be friendly, and others quite frankly sound like the guy sends the same email to every woman they see… > > …and then that’s it. I send them back a brief “Thanks for the compliment, why don’t you tell me about yourself”, etc. and either get another 10-word response, or nothing. I don’t get it! If they were interested enough in me to send me a message, why no follow-up? Am I supposed to pursue these guys? I guess I’m used to a guy showing an active interest in me, pursuing me, so to speak; and I don’t know if I’m not showing enough interest to get them to follow up. So, any guys out there who are on OKC (and I am also on Eharmony, and the same thing seems to happen there) who can tell me what’s going on? I can’t speak for your specific situation but if I had half a dozen girls who responded I’d likely focus on the few that seemed most interested. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2010, 10:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/497 "2010-06-29T10:12:26Z")
> [@Edward\_The\_Head](#): > > So why is it that the best match for me seems to be Robot Arm? Because I’m just that awesome. ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2010, 10:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/498 "2010-06-29T10:23:45Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > Because I’m just that awesome. You must be dude, you must be. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2010, 12:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/499 "2010-06-29T12:17:21Z")
> [@DivineComedienne](#): > > And while I’m asking…I’m in my mid-forties, and keep getting approached by 25-year-olds. Now, this is flattering, I admit; but am I correct to assume that they’re mostly looking to get laid by a (I hate using this word but it seems to fit here) “cougar”? That happened to me too, and that was my assumption as well. The most annoying one was the 21-year old who couldn’t be bothered to speak real, full sentences. “How R U? U R Hawt. Wats up?” The worst part was his profile seemed half-way intelligent. When I encouraged him to use all the vowels and consonants this great country of ours provided - he was confused. And when I explained that if he couldn’t understand what I wanted in a conversation, how was he supposed to understand what I wanted in bed - he was more confused. “I lik u. Lets meat.” :smack::smack: ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2010, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/500 "2010-06-29T12:30:02Z")
> [@melodyharmonius](#): > > “I lik u. Lets meat.” You’re not appreciating the subtle humor of that clever pun. You let a real winner slip between your fingers. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=24) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=26)