# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 28
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/541 "2010-07-06T16:43:28Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > And another thing. I’ve changed my view of “winks” I used to send them. To _me_, it meant, “Hey, I’m interested in you, but I’m not sure I’m you’re type, if you like me, wink back and I’ll send you a formal email, but you’re looking for someone that’s 4 inches taller, makes $30,000 more then me and doesn’t smoke, so unless I get the go ahead, I’m not going to spend an hour figuring out what to write” I know others basically view it as a cowards emails or a cop out or whatever, but that’s what it meant to me. Well, now I don’t like them anymore. I don’t send them and I don’t really think much of them (unless the person seems like someone I’d really like to meet). This is probably a good thing, because to me getting a “Wink” would mean, “I noticed you’re female, which is the sum total of my interest in you. In fact, my interest in you as an actual person is so tepid, I can’t even be arsed to spend 30 seconds writing an actual sentence.” I just end up wondering why he thought I should be interested in something like that; if I make any kind of effort at all in my response, it’s already lop-sided/one-sided, and we haven’t even spoken yet! As far as I’m concerned, your level of interest is directly proportional to your level of effort. I’m not interested in wasting time on someone who’s barely interested in me. ---
**Author:** ![tr0psn4j](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@tr0psn4j](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tr0psn4j)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/542 "2010-07-06T17:53:43Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > This is probably a good thing, because to me getting a “Wink” would mean, “I noticed you’re female, which is the sum total of my interest in you. In fact, my interest in you as an actual person is so tepid, I can’t even be arsed to spend 30 seconds writing an actual sentence.” I just end up wondering why he thought I should be interested in something like that; if I make any kind of effort at all in my response, it’s already lop-sided/one-sided, and we haven’t even spoken yet! > > As far as I’m concerned, your level of interest is directly proportional to your level of effort. I’m not interested in wasting time on someone who’s barely interested in me. So what is an acceptable length for the first message? ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/543 "2010-07-06T18:03:05Z")
> [@tr0psn4j](#): > > So what is an acceptable length for the first message? In my opinion - a few sentences - at max, 2 paragraphs. You don’t want to scare them off with your life story, you don’t want to be so cryptic as to make them unsure why you bothered to write. Just something saying hi, commenting on something they said in their profile that interests you (to show you paid attention to more than just the photo). Maybe a funny comment or story about yourself to show you have a sense of humor. And a couple of starter questions in case they are interested in writing back. The most important thing is to show that you are not a spambot or Nigerian scammer and that you are a sem-intelligent creature who occasionally showers and walks on 2 legs . . . . ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/544 "2010-07-06T18:19:31Z")
> [@tr0psn4j](#): > > So what is an acceptable length for the first message? I’m not counting words, my friend. Did you make some attempt to start a conversation? Did you ask me about an interest of mine, or relate your experience with an interest we have in common? Did you give me any sort of indication that you want to know me better (me, in particular, as a human being; not just me, has vagina) – you know, through conversation? Bonus points if you put across some level of genuine enthusiasm for having found my profile. You could pull that off in one sentence if you craft it well/ask the right question. Normally it’s two or three paragraphs, but that tends to be just because those who are enthusiastic and interested tend to ask/tell me more. On the flip side, a multi-page form letter will get you absolutely nowhere with me. Commentary on my tit size is not a conversation-starter, btw. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2010, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/545 "2010-07-06T21:28:52Z")
> [@Edward\_The\_Head](#): > > The other day I went and played water polo with a women I meet online. She did the inviting. Later that day I wrote a quick note saying I enjoyed meeting her and gave her my email and numbers. She never responded and later changed her relationship to in one. Just seems odd to invite me in the first place. Two thoughts: 1.) She invited you out as friends, but you interpreted it as a date. She was already in a relationship but just hadn’t remembered to change her relationship status until you did or said something to make it clear you were interested in being something other than friends. 2.) You were one of several people she was going on dates with, and after her date with you, things got more serious with one of the other guys (see also: reconnected that evening with an old ex). ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2010, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/546 "2010-07-07T23:13:50Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > 1.) She invited you out as friends, but you interpreted it as a date. She was already in a relationship but just hadn’t remembered to change her relationship status until you did or said something to make it clear you were interested in being something other than friends. If this is the case, it’s her problem, not yours. She invited you to meet her after she met you on a dating site. > [@Shot](#): > > 2.) You were one of several people she was going on dates with, and after her date with you, things got more serious with one of the other guys. I’m certain that this is what happened. She found something else on the buffet line. Sorry. ---
**Author:** ![elmwood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmwood/32/3060_2.png) [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2010, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/547 "2010-07-08T01:22:11Z")
> [@pricciar](#): > > **Mississippienne** , I don’t know much if anything about New York City and it’s boroughs, but I wonder if your hard luck is geographical. The stereotype I have of Queens is that it is inhabited with a more conservative type of person than Manhattan or Brooklyn. That’s my only guess. I didn’t think of that. In the Northeast, the perception of time related to travel is much different than it is in the rest of the country. When I lived in Colorado and New Mexico, people would think nothing at driving three or four hours for something mundane; even Denver, El Paso, Las Cruces and Albuquerque residents didn’t flinch at long drives. Here in Upstate New York, city and suburban dwellers consider a drive of more than 30 minutes to be a long-distance haul. To a Manhattan dweller, Queens might as well be in Pennsylvania. Also, New York, along with other cities in the Northeast and Great Lakes region, tend to be more geographically insular. Consider the New Yorkers who are proud that they seldom venture beyond their neighborhood or borough. Cleveland has the legendary East Side/West Side divide. ---
**Author:** ![Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jimmy_Chitwood)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2010, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/548 "2010-07-08T02:00:38Z")
> [@elmwood](#): > > To a Manhattan dweller, Queens might as well be in Pennsylvania. Which is doubly interesting considering that OK Cupid thinks that Brooklyn actually _is_ in Pennsylvania, judging by the matches I get. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2010, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/549 "2010-07-08T19:52:08Z")
Ok, I added a comment on OKC under the “most personal thing you’re willing to admit” section" > [@](#): > > I think Vladimir Putin is kind of sexy. Which, while true, I personally find amusing which is I why I included it. I’m wondering if anyone else finds it funny or just horrifying. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2010, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/550 "2010-07-08T19:55:02Z")
_timidly raises my hand_ Now that you mention it, Putin is kinda sexy… ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2010, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/551 "2010-07-08T19:58:04Z")
I had to google Vladmir (i had a brain fart) and I think that’s awesome! I’d probably have something like “sparkly vampires need not apply.” because that’s my latest kick these days. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2010, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/552 "2010-07-08T20:02:52Z")
Apparently he likes to [go](http://www.siberianlight.net/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/putin-man-boobs-fishing.jpg) [shirtless](http://larussophobe.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/080620people_putin-121394861977409600.jpg)… ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/553 "2010-07-13T15:41:21Z")
Resurrecting for advice: Went out with a guy on Sunday (first meeting). Had a pleasant time and would definitely go out with him again but if it doesn’t happen I’m okay with that too. So we went out on Sunday and as we were parting he asked if I would email him my number. I also gave it to him verbally (neither of us had anything to write with or on). I followed up when I got home with the requested email, and we exchanged a couple after that (the first of his said he enjoyed our time together that day). Since then, I’ve heard nothing. I followed up yesterday morning with an email linking to something we’d talked about. But I’ve heard nothing back. The only reason this is “odd” is that the week or so leading up to our meeting, he was super quick with the response time. I’m not sure if it would come across as negative if I were to call him (he gave me his number before we met), maybe tomorrow. Or if I should take radio silence as the cue of “He’s just not that into me”. ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/554 "2010-07-13T15:51:45Z")
I would assume he’s just not that in to you. Of course, he could come back in a week and explain he had internet problems. But if he hasn’t called or written - let it go. At least, that’s my opinion. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/555 "2010-07-13T15:58:02Z")
Well, I know he did have internet issues over the weekend (he had emailed me from a friend’s house) that could have come back. But then he could have gone to the same friend’s house. I was leaning towards not doing anything further, but wanted to run it by third parties to make sure I wasn’t being silly. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/556 "2010-07-13T16:00:22Z")
Last week I found someone’s OKC profile that could have been a mirror image of mine, just with a few more outgoing interests, attractive, and ostensibly single. Strongest matches I’d ever seen for the OKC questions, too. So I took a chance and messaged her. Zip. I know online dating is like job-seeking, and you’ll go through 100 different possibilities before you find 1 strong candidate, but…yeesh. It’s disheartening when even people who seem like perfect matches don’t bother to respond. **Mauvaise** , that he asked you for your number doesn’t sound like a “he’s not that into you” situation; if it were and he was asking to be polite, I don’t think he’d have asked for an email. I’m not sure I’d call in the next day or two, but I don’t think it’s worth writing off yet. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/557 "2010-07-13T16:01:53Z")
@ **Mauvaise** : Don’t do anything further. Even if his internet is just out, it could come off as creepy-clingy to see a whole string of emails from you when he gets back online. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/558 "2010-07-13T16:05:08Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > @ **Mauvaise** : > > Don’t do anything further. Even if his internet is just out, it could come off as creepy-clingy to see a whole string of emails from you when he gets back online. Don’t worry - I definitely won’t send another email beyond the (1) I sent on Monday. I was just wondering if a single follow up phone call would come across as the same. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/559 "2010-07-13T16:06:04Z")
> [@Mauvaise](#): > > Don’t worry - I definitely won’t send another email beyond the (1) I sent on Monday. I was just wondering if a single follow up phone call would come across as the same. I’d proooobably wait until the weekend, or maybe Thursday if you’re interested in setting up another date for the weekend and don’t want it to be short notice. ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/560 "2010-07-13T16:27:04Z")
**Mauvaise** , I am not implying that he’s not in to you - just that it’s better to assume that rather than getting too invested at this point. I just get a little gunshy about people who seem to drop out of sight now and then. I know that kind of person is not a good fit for me, so I tend to move on. I have one guy, Mark, that I met on OKC and we had some great dates. But one day he’d be texting me regularly, and the next 3 days he’d disappear. There were always reasons - phone issues, work stuff, health stuff. I knew myself well enough to know that I needed more regular contact than that and so we became good, casual friends instead. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=27) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=29)