# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 31
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/601 "2010-07-14T14:30:06Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > IME and IMO, LDRs \*\*\*rarely \*\*\*work out unless you know each other before you start dating. Talking on the phone or sending emails just won’t let you connect the same way–or evaluate a person as well–as being around someone in person. I guess mine was one of the exceptions. Although we did meet in person once before we started dating (depending on how you retroactively interpret “being her museum buddy basically all day because the other 3 people in the meetup were busy with other stuff”). 'Course, that one didn’t stay LD for very long, either. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/602 "2010-07-14T15:08:54Z")
> [@Mauvaise](#): > > I even said he should be honest. But he asked why he wasn’t getting replies so I gave my opinion - I can’t be the only woman that doesn’t want a partner that “sometimes” does drugs and is only interested in casual sex or a short-term relationship (which is the impression that can come across). Those are reasons that \*you \*wouldn’t be interested; IMO, those aren’t reasons that \*women in general \*aren’t responding. > [@](#): > > I mean if you were at a party where there were several attractive people you might be interested in, you wouldn’t proclaim “Sex is one of the most important things in my life. Who wants to talk to me?” A profile on a dating website is not remotely comparable to a party. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/603 "2010-07-14T15:22:45Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Those are reasons that \*you \*wouldn’t be interested; IMO, those aren’t reasons that \*women in general \*aren’t responding. Did I like steal your lunch money in kindergarten or something? I don’t know why you seem to be ignoring what I write, but in my initial post on this topic I wrote **“…but the things in your profile that are issues for me (and this is just for me, I don’t speak for all women)”** before I listed the items in his profile that would give _me_ pause. So I’m not sure why you’re clarifying that when I’ve already said it. The guy asked for opinions - I gave him mine. What’s the issue? 😕 Instead of iterating that these are only my reasons of why _I_ am not interested, why don’t you give your opinion why he’s not getting the responses he desires? > [@](#): > > A profile on a dating website is not remotely comparable to a party. But it is the first impression you give someone, and TO ME (not anyone else, but only me) it is equivalent to introducing yourself in person to someone with the statement, “I like sex!” I don’t know how to make it any clearer, but I try to be very careful to make sure I express that these are MY opinions only, not blanket statements for all women every where that ever lived. I am in the correct forum aren’t I? ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/604 "2010-07-14T15:48:05Z")
> [@Mauvaise](#): > > The guy asked for opinions - I gave him mine. What’s the issue? 😕 Because he wasn’t asking why \*you \*wouldn’t date him; he was asking why he wasn’t getting responses, period. So I was simply reiterating the fact that in \*my \*opinion, it would be good for him to leave those parts of the profile alone. If you _didn’t_ expect him to make any changes to his profile based on your feedback, why would you have said anything in the first place? > [@](#): > > Instead of iterating that these are only my reasons of why _I_ am not interested, why don’t you give your opinion why he’s not getting the responses he desires? Because I post from work and OkC is blocked here. > [@](#): > > But it is the first impression you give someone, and TO ME (not anyone else, but only me) it is equivalent to introducing yourself in person to someone with the statement, “I like sex!” IMO, there’s a world of difference between the way you introduce yourself at a party–a social event–versus on a dating website–where you create a profile specifically designed to attract other people for the purposes of dating them. Introducing yourself with “I like sex!” at a party is inappropriate, because the primary purpose of the party is (at least theoretically) not to find someone to date or fuck. Introducing yourself with “I like sex!” on a dating website, when you are on that dating website to find people to have sex with, is perfectly reasonable–and, IMO, it would be unfair of you \*not \*to include that information if what you’re really looking for right now is casual hookups. > [@](#): > > I am in the correct forum aren’t I? You posted \*your \*opinion on what was wrong with his profile. I posted \*my \*opinion that the fact that you thought those things were wrong means that they are, in fact, right–not because you’re a bad person, but because you’re a bad person \*for him \*and it’s better to find that out as quickly as possible. ---
**Author:** ![umop\_ap\_sdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/dbc845/32.png) [@umop\_ap\_sdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umop_ap_sdn)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/605 "2010-07-14T17:36:26Z")
I think **EvilTOJ** ’s profile is witty and portrays a good sense of humor, but doesn’t stand out as one of those profiles that makes me think OMG we have so much in common I must write to this person. I don’t understand why people aren’t at least looking, because to me there’s nothing wrong with your main photo. Some of us simply have a hard time getting responses. _shrug_ May want to take out the ugh do I have to list six things part though. 😉 I’ve been wondering about something I did with [my profile](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/moondragons). Since I’m moving out of state soon it wouldn’t make much sense to meet new people where I’m at now; I’m hoping to open the lines of communication sooner with people in the area I’m moving to so that I’ll develop some friendships more quickly. I preemptively set my location field to the new vicinity. Is this wise? I’ve had a few people contact me so apparently at least _some_ folks don’t think it bizarre, but I still have to wonder. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/606 "2010-07-14T17:44:23Z")
> [@umop\_ap\_sdn](#): > > I’ve been wondering about something I did with [my profile](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/moondragons). Since I’m moving out of state soon it wouldn’t make much sense to meet new people where I’m at now; I’m hoping to open the lines of communication sooner with people in the area I’m moving to so that I’ll develop some friendships more quickly. I preemptively set my location field to the new vicinity. Is this wise? I’ve had a few people contact me so apparently at least _some_ folks don’t think it bizarre, but I still have to wonder. So that was you who visited me a while ago. I think preemptively changing your location is wise and I’ve seen quite a few people who’ve done that. ---
**Author:** ![umop\_ap\_sdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/dbc845/32.png) [@umop\_ap\_sdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umop_ap_sdn)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/607 "2010-07-14T17:53:12Z")
Whew - good to know! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![tr0psn4j](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@tr0psn4j](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tr0psn4j)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/608 "2010-07-14T18:10:27Z")
I don’t get too many responses either, you’ll get used to it. 🙂 > [@umop\_ap\_sdn](#): > > I’ve been wondering about something I did with [my profile](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/moondragons). Since I’m moving out of state soon it wouldn’t make much sense to meet new people where I’m at now; I’m hoping to open the lines of communication sooner with people in the area I’m moving to so that I’ll develop some friendships more quickly. I preemptively set my location field to the new vicinity. Is this wise? I’ve had a few people contact me so apparently at least _some_ folks don’t think it bizarre, but I still have to wonder. Yeah that’s a pretty good idea. ---
**Author:** ![pricciar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@pricciar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pricciar)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/609 "2010-07-14T18:23:08Z")
**EvilTOJ** , nothing jumps out at me as to why you aren’t getting replies. Although, I have to say having “Casual Sex” selected as a relationship interest is like having a movie rated NC-17. It might be great, and it might be art, and it might not be a porno, but it still isn’t going to play in mainstream movie chains. I doubt the drug thing is that big of a deal, though. **umop ap!sdn** , I think that is a fantastic idea! Now, if you meet some people who seem interesting you have built in friends before you even get there. Also, putting my Chuck Woolery cap on, did you two notice you both have the same location? Maybe you should write each other! ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/610 "2010-07-14T18:56:10Z")
Way to set up an awkward “Uh, I don’t find him/her attractive” moment, **Pric**. 😛 But seriously, I like me some marijuana and I’ve had casual sex before but I’d never put either on my profile. I thought it was common sense. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/611 "2010-07-14T19:16:09Z")
I wouldn’t lie, but I think if you’re an adult, it can be safely assumed that sex will be important to you in a relationship. You don’t need to say it explicitly. If you’re not even getting views, I’d look into different photos, and an attention-grabbing self-description. That’s usually the things that are displayed in a match search – that’s how you’re making your first impression. As for me, personally: I wouldn’t consider someone with “casual sex” in their profile either, nor am I looking for short-term anything. I also agree that you shouldn’t lie about it, because doing so won’t get you laid in any case, and you’ll piss the girl off when she finds out. The other thing that stood out for me is that you don’t come across as having ambitions, goals, or passions. Again, if you don’t actually have any, you shouldn’t lie, but I personally wouldn’t hang out with someone who wasn’t passionate about _something._ It just doesn’t seem like you’ve got anything that you’re actively working on or pursuing… it feels like (to me) that you drift to work, drift home, sometimes hang out with friends, mostly hang out on the internet, and that’s pretty much it. I actually think you could make a lot more of remodeling your home. Right now it comes across as you fix things when they break because, well, you have to. It doesn’t come across like you bought this house and are devoting yourself to making it so much more than it was. Or… you hang out at SCA and _do what?_ Historical dance? Combat? Cooking? Any of those things would pique my interest. Right now it doesn’t really sound like you do anything other than show up, and maybe sit in front of your tent drinking beer. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/612 "2010-07-14T19:26:01Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Those are reasons that \*you \*wouldn’t be interested; IMO, those aren’t reasons that \*women in general \*aren’t responding. No one can speak for other women or “women in general.” I have no earthly idea why other women don’t write him. I have some idea why I wouldn’t. The “sometimes” to drugs wouldn’t really give me pause – but I do assume you mean marijuana and not something like cocaine. If someone “sometimes” does hard drugs… well, it’s probably not something I could find out before meeting them, in any case. I don’t think anyone is going to write “I do coke on the weekends” in their profile. Try changing your photos or adding one once a week or so, too. People look at new things, just because they’re new. Also… six months is nothing, really. It gives me some pause that no one is _looking_ at your profile, but really… it takes a fucking long time, unless you are obscenely lucky. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/613 "2010-07-14T19:29:15Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > I wouldn’t lie, but I think if you’re an adult, it can be safely assumed that sex will be important to you in a relationship. You don’t need to say it explicitly. Different adults have different needs and expectations when it comes to sex. For some people, sex is more of an afterthought–it will probably happen, but it’s not a defining part of the relationship. For others, good sex is absolutely essential to a good relationship. I see no problem with advertising that it’s very important to you, \*especially \*if you’re specifically interested in a casual sexual relationship. Yes, it \*will \*certainly cause some people to lose interest in you, but if sex is important enough that you include it in your profile, those are probably not people who would be a good match for you in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/614 "2010-07-14T19:41:19Z")
Well, he’s already saying it by checking off “casual sex.” I don’t think he needs to say it again. Also, in my mind it puts the cart before the horse. Find out if you like each other first; presumably sex wouldn’t happen anyway if you can’t stand each other. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/615 "2010-07-14T19:47:52Z")
I dunno 'bout that. Ain’t no fuck like a grudge fuck, as my old ma used to say. 😃 ETA: Are you now or have you ever been interested in casual sex? If the answer is “no,” you may want to consider that you may not be the best person to opine on what should or should not be included in the profile of someone who is. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/616 "2010-07-14T20:02:42Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > ETA: Are you now or have you ever been interested in casual sex? If the answer is “no,” you may want to consider that you may not be the best person to opine on what should or should not be included in the profile of someone who is. Which leads me to the conclusion that if the answer is “yes”, are we free to opine away? I guess my previous posts stand. ---
**Author:** ![jsc1953](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@jsc1953](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jsc1953)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/617 "2010-07-14T20:13:06Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Different adults have different needs and expectations when it comes to sex. For some people, sex is more of an afterthought–it will probably happen, but it’s not a defining part of the relationship. For others, good sex is absolutely essential to a good relationship.. In my age bracket (geezer) I wanted to make sure I was getting matched up with women who still felt it was important. eH has a fairly good way to do this…you don’t have to list it as one of the things you can’t live without (which is a bit forward, I admit). I listed it among my 10 Must Haves/Cant Stands – must have nookie on a regular basis; can’t stand someone who doesn’t. Or words to that affect. And an interesting side story…so I’m dating this woman I met on eH, who listed as her first name on her profile what was actually a never-used nickname – just as an experiment. Lo & behold, we were picking up her mail one day recently, and she got mail addressed to the nickname. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/618 "2010-07-14T20:22:37Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > The other thing that stood out for me is that you don’t come across as having ambitions, goals, or passions. This is my biggest problem as well. ([Link](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Srdje65), even though it’s been posted in the thread before.) I’m not exactly passionate about anything anyone would find interesting, and I damn well know better than to go on about stuff like WoW at length in a public profile. I’m not currently active or creative, which is obvious if you read between the lines in the “I’m really good at” section, which badly needs rewriting. I _am_ a good person, and I’m confident I can be in a healthy relationship and be interesting, but there’s nothing to draw the eye and make me stand out. It’s like with job hunting: I’m absolutely certain I can nail the interview, but getting my resume noticed in the first place is extremely difficult. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/619 "2010-07-14T21:12:00Z")
> [@Bosstone](#): > > I’m not currently active or creative, which is obvious if you read between the lines in the “I’m really good at” section, which badly needs rewriting. Okay, so then the obvious question is, why not? I’m not saying you have to make yourself be creative if you’re not, but why aren’t you active? Book club? Pickup baseball? Soup kitchen? Going to museums? Anything? There’s got to be _something_ you like to do well enough to pursue it. I mean, you’ve got the old cliche that you’ve got to be a “complete” (although I prefer “well rounded”) person by yourself before you’re going to be capable of having a good relationship. Maybe you need to work on yourself before you can work on your profile? As for WoW: why do you like it? Is it a strategy game to you? Is it a brain-teaser/puzzle game? You can spin it into interesting things, unless you just play because you’re bored and have nothing better to do with yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/620 "2010-07-14T21:22:57Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > Okay, so then the obvious question is, why not? I’m not saying you have to make yourself be creative if you’re not, but why aren’t you active? Book club? Pickup baseball? Soup kitchen? Going to museums? Anything? There’s got to be _something_ you like to do well enough to pursue it. > > I mean, you’ve got the old cliche that you’ve got to be a “complete” (although I prefer “well rounded”) person by yourself before you’re going to be capable of having a good relationship. Maybe you need to work on yourself before you can work on your profile? I mentioned in the emotional struggle thread, although it got lost in the upswell of drama, that it’s hard not to see this as a Catch-22, at least for myself. I need to be an active and outgoing person to be interesting, but it’s incredibly difficult to work up the interest without someone else coming along. I can take an interest in nearly anything, but there’s got to be a reason for it, usually because someone I know also has an interest. I’m sure that’s a clue that I don’t “know who I am” yet, but I’ll be damned if I can see a way around it. I’m keenly aware that what I see as flexible and easygoing, others see as wishy-washy and passive. > [@](#): > > As for WoW: why do you like it? Is it a strategy game to you? Is it a brain-teaser/puzzle game? You can spin it into interesting things, unless you just play because you’re bored and have nothing better to do with yourself. Now that’s an idea worth pursuing, actually. Gives me an idea for fleshing out the profile without coming across as a hideous nerd. (Although I guess the math comments in the profile took care of _that_ already.) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=30) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=32)