# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 36
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/701 "2010-07-28T22:26:47Z")
> [@Bosstone](#): > > Oooh, yeah, it’s a lot clearer now that you shared the text. He thinks he’s asserting control and being Big Man Dom. “I’m a dom, you’re a sub, now chop chop obey me!” I love how he _repeatedly_ says that he doesn’t like me. But continues to write me anyway. Way to be decisive, man! That doesn’t reek of desperation at all! Oh my gods, I’m LOLing all over again. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/702 "2010-07-28T22:27:31Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > Uh, NO, you can’t watch. :rolleyes: Yeah. What idiots. Can I? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/703 "2010-07-28T22:29:20Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Can I? > > 😃 No, but I’d be willing to hogtie and blindfold you and stick you in the closet so you can listen. If you’re good. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/704 "2010-07-28T22:35:02Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > > Can I? > > > > 😃 > > No, but I’d be willing to hogtie and blindfold you and stick you in the closet so you can listen. If you’re good. 😃 You aren’t a true submissive. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/705 "2010-07-28T22:40:21Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > You aren’t a true submissive. :mad: Very true! 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/706 "2010-07-28T22:48:42Z")
> [@Bosstone](#): > > Oh…oh man. My sympathies, dude. I’m about as clueless as a child when it comes to picking up subtle cues, but even I could have seen that. “Going out for coffee” isn’t about coffee, it’s just a casual meeting that barely qualifies as a date. I thought I had written saying sure, lets get together. But I was totally off. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me lately. I just totally blew it. I did email her back saying as such, don’t think it’s going to help. Yes I’m an idiot. ---
**Author:** ![tr0psn4j](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@tr0psn4j](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tr0psn4j)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/707 "2010-07-28T22:49:28Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > > Can I? > > > > 😃 > > No, but I’d be willing to hogtie and blindfold you and stick you in the closet so you can listen. If you’re good. 😃 I don’t think you know what submissive means. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/708 "2010-07-28T23:02:37Z")
> [@tr0psn4j](#): > > > [@Kaio](#): > > > > > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > > > > Can I? > > > > > > 😃 > > > > No, but I’d be willing to hogtie and blindfold you and stick you in the closet so you can listen. If you’re good. 😃 > > I don’t think you know what submissive means. 😉 And I don’t think you know what switch means. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/709 "2010-07-29T12:09:44Z")
**Edward** , I hope she writes back. I really do. If for no other reason it would make for a very cute “how we met” story. “\*He and I met online and it was going pretty well so I asked him out for coffee. Then he said he doesn’t drink coffee . . .I thought he was blowing me off, but he really doesn’t - he drinks tea! We’ve been together for 347 years now . . . \*” **Kaio** - thanks for sharing - it cracks me up! ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/710 "2010-07-29T14:25:40Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > Your preachy judge mental issues are not becoming and are not allowed by me. I’m sorry to hear that you suffered the pain of chemo but it is time to let that go. > > And I did not, in fact, choose to waste time by checking out his answers. Guess I was too lazy. 😃 You are much stronger than I am. It would have tested all my willpower to not reply with (at the very least), “Judgemental is one word, asshole.” Edward, I also hope she writes back. I would if someone had done that to me. But I would also tease you about it mercilessly. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/711 "2010-07-29T15:27:09Z")
> [@Mauvaise](#): > > You are much stronger than I am. It would have tested all my willpower to not reply with (at the very least), “Judgemental is one word, asshole.” Oh, believe me, I was tempted to write back with something very similar to what I did above. I just figured that 1\> he wasn’t worth the time or effort and 2\> he’d totally miss the point anyway. If a guy has never interacted with real live human beings, trying to convince him that reality is different from chatroom pr0n would be pretty futile. He seems like the kind of guy who desperately clings to his fantasies no matter what. Trying to teach a pig to sing, and all that… ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/712 "2010-07-29T15:30:41Z")
pearls before swine aka bling before bacon, etc. I agree, **Kaio**. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/713 "2010-07-29T16:04:55Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > Okay, honestly, too good not to share. What is that I don’t even > [@Edward\_The\_Head](#): > > Dumb ass me meant to say, I don’t like coffee, but I’ll get tea. :smack::smack::smack::smack: This is why you leave the inconsequentials of \*what \*you’ll be ordering to when you actually order. FWIW, if someone I was actually interested in did this and followed up with a very sincere “This is what I meant to write, sorry I screwed it up, no clue what I was thinking, I really hope you didn’t think I was blowing you off, because I’d still really like to get together” message, I’d probably still meet you. Here’s hoping she’s reasonable! ---
**Author:** ![Mississippienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d2c977/32.png) [@Mississippienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mississippienne)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/714 "2010-07-29T16:26:28Z")
Okay, folks. I must be doing something wrong. I’ve been getting very few messages, and when I send messages I rarely get a reply back. What makes a good message? I’ve been trying mentioning something interesting in their profile, asking them a question about it, and telling them a little about me. I’ve been keeping it to like 2 paragraphs; I figured that was short enough for an introductory message without looking like fishing. But something’s wrong! What sort of message would make YOU want to respond? ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/715 "2010-07-29T17:20:31Z")
> [@Mississippienne](#): > > Okay, folks. I must be doing something wrong. I’ve been getting very few messages, and when I send messages I rarely get a reply back. What makes a good message? I’ve been trying mentioning something interesting in their profile, asking them a question about it, and telling them a little about me. I’ve been keeping it to like 2 paragraphs; I figured that was short enough for an introductory message without looking like fishing. But something’s wrong! > > What sort of message would make YOU want to respond? That’s what I’ve been asking. So far it hasn’t been much. I’ve responded to everything I’ve gotten except one, and that was from a woman 3000 miles away and she basically said hey. Then again I’ve gotten all of two messages in the last month or so. ---
**Author:** ![tr0psn4j](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@tr0psn4j](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tr0psn4j)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/716 "2010-07-29T17:28:39Z")
> [@Mississippienne](#): > > Okay, folks. I must be doing something wrong. I’ve been getting very few messages, and when I send messages I rarely get a reply back. What makes a good message? I’ve been trying mentioning something interesting in their profile, asking them a question about it, and telling them a little about me. I’ve been keeping it to like 2 paragraphs; I figured that was short enough for an introductory message without looking like fishing. But something’s wrong! > > What sort of message would make YOU want to respond? That’s what I usually do but I’m not very successful either. Then again, I haven’t bothered messaging anyone for about a month. I should probably start doing that again. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/717 "2010-07-29T19:11:22Z")
> [@Mississippienne](#): > > What makes a good message? I’ve been trying mentioning something interesting in their profile, asking them a question about it, and telling them a little about me. I’ve been keeping it to like 2 paragraphs; I figured that was short enough for an introductory message without looking like fishing. Wait, you have boobs, right? I thought that was all you needed to be swarmed with attention online. 😃 What kind of stuff are you putting in the “about you” part of the message? Could it be making it look like you’re just tossing a token question their way as an excuse to talk about yourself? Are you giving info they could easily find from your profile? Otherwise, if you’re sharing information about yourself that flows out of the question you’re asking, I got nothin’. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/718 "2010-07-29T19:14:44Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > > [@Mississippienne](#): > > > > What makes a good message? I’ve been trying mentioning something interesting in their profile, asking them a question about it, and telling them a little about me. I’ve been keeping it to like 2 paragraphs; I figured that was short enough for an introductory message without looking like fishing. > > Wait, you have boobs, right? I thought that was all you needed to be swarmed with attention online. 😃 No kidding. I’m having a fair bit of trouble understanding the problem, really. ---
**Author:** ![Mississippienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d2c977/32.png) [@Mississippienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mississippienne)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/719 "2010-07-30T04:42:08Z")
> [@Bosstone](#): > > > [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > > > > [@Mississippienne](#): > > > > > > What makes a good message? I’ve been trying mentioning something interesting in their profile, asking them a question about it, and telling them a little about me. I’ve been keeping it to like 2 paragraphs; I figured that was short enough for an introductory message without looking like fishing. > > > > Wait, you have boobs, right? I thought that was all you needed to be swarmed with attention online. 😃 > > No kidding. I’m having a fair bit of trouble understanding the problem, really. Contrary to Doper belief, most guys don’t seem terribly grateful to me for showing up with boobs. Here’s a message I sent to a guy on Okcupid recently, from which I did not receive a response. I think its pretty typical of my messages. Please let me know if anyone sees something a guy might perceive as a ‘red flag’. > [@](#): > > “and honestly believe my life has just begun (except for that it hasn’t).” > > People who are older and hopefully wiser than I have told me not to wait around for my life to begin, but to realize that I’m already living it. I will say that advice is easier given than taken. Sometimes it really did feel like I was waiting for some mystical thing to happen so that _poof_ my real, adult life could start. > > Where do you volunteer with kids? I did Americorps twice so I’ve worked with a LOT of different non-profits. I love working with kids! They’re so funny and weird and make me remember I was also smarter at that age than adults liked to think. > > Are you a native NYer or a transplant like me? ---
**Author:** ![pricciar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@pricciar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pricciar)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2010, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/720 "2010-07-30T05:07:52Z")
**Mississippienne** , this is admittedly a dumb question. But, are you checking that the guy’s you are writing are actually using the site? When you look at someone’s profile you can see when the last time they logged on to OkCupid. I have noticed that sometimes when I do searches people will pop up who have not logged in for a very long time. I have never noticed that problem with a Quiver match or Quick Match, though. I say this because I am really perplexed by the lack of replies. With guys, I expect it. (I am used to it. I would bet I get responses maybe 5 percent of the time.) But, you are a pretty girl who wrote an intelligent profile, so I don’t understand the total lack of reply. My only guesses are that you are writing people who aren’t using the site, or you are writing people who are too far away. Other than that I have no idea. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=35) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=37)