# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 45
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/881 "2010-09-16T18:12:24Z")
> [@Bosstone](#): > > Yeah, I work hard at not treating constructive criticism about myself as an actual insult, but it’s understandably very hard not to. And there’s nothing to guarantee that the reasons that women aren’t interested in you would be anything constructive, either. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/882 "2010-09-16T18:22:38Z")
Fair point. I just hate not knowing what’s going through someone else’s head. I suppose I shall have to suffer, as always. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/883 "2010-09-16T18:23:19Z")
And I probably wouldn’t take being told that I’m _too_ attractive very well. 😛 Every time someone fails to respond to a message of mine I know it’s because I’m either not attractive enough or my profile reveals me to be a douche. I really don’t need to be told that by every person who rejects me. So yeah, I’m glad that people don’t generally respond with a list of reasons. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/884 "2010-09-16T18:32:00Z")
> [@Bosstone](#): > > I suppose I shall have to suffer, as always. Moohoohahahahahahaha. Erm. I mean, “yes.” ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/885 "2010-09-16T23:46:45Z")
I’ve had an OKCupid profile for about two years, but I only put a pic up and filled out the profile essays last month(meanwhile, I have answered nearly 600 questions.) I had a really bad profile pic at first. Then using OKTrends own advice, I put up a much better pic of me not smiling or looking at the camera. I got a lot more visitors immediately, including six in one day. Still haven’t sent anyone a message. I haven’t responded to any of the three messages I’ve gotten. I’m slightly interested in one of them, but she’s a lawyer, which I find intimidating. My real life problem, that is one of the major reasons that I am single, that I am really shy, isn’t any better online. I guess I am going to die a lonely old man. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/886 "2010-09-16T23:56:19Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > I’ve had an OKCupid profile for about two years, but I only put a pic up and filled out the profile essays last month(meanwhile, I have answered nearly 600 questions.) I had a really bad profile pic at first. Then using OKTrends own advice, I put up a much better pic of me not smiling or looking at the camera. I got a lot more visitors immediately, including six in one day. Not to burst your bubble, but when you put up the new picture it said “Invisible Chimp just added a new picture” on front page of the girls in your area. One of the little tricks with OKC is to make small changes to your profile from time to time so it mentions it on other peoples pages. You’ll notice that if you go and answer a handful of questions, add a picture, make a change to your profile or add a caption you’ll suddenly have a bunch of visitors. ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/887 "2010-09-17T00:46:57Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > but she’s a lawyer, which I find intimidating. What, you think she wants to talk shop when she gets home? Hell that’s probably the furthest thing from her mind. Email her dude. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/888 "2010-09-17T00:51:44Z")
> [@Edward\_The\_Head](#): > > > [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > > > but she’s a lawyer, which I find intimidating. > > What, you think she wants to talk shop when she gets home? Hell that’s probably the furthest thing from her mind. Email her dude. In fairness, the SDMB _does_ have quite a few lawyers who _do_. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/889 "2010-09-17T00:58:19Z")
> [@Bosstone](#): > > > [@Edward\_The\_Head](#): > > > > What, you think she wants to talk shop when she gets home? Hell that’s probably the furthest thing from her mind. Email her dude. > > In fairness, the SDMB _does_ have quite a few lawyers who _do_. 😛 But they’re not _his_ lawyers and they don’t live in _his_ state and they start every conversation with a disclaimer. ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/890 "2010-09-17T01:14:10Z")
> [@Bosstone](#): > > In fairness, the SDMB _does_ have quite a few lawyers who _do_. 😛 Yeah but look at where you’re at. We’re some sort of freak zone here. Oh and the woman who’s profile was gone said she’d like to get together for coffee. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/891 "2010-09-17T02:46:30Z")
The SDMB can’t be considered normal or average by any stretch. You have thread upon thread of people bragging about their low-key inexpensive weddings - something you never, and I mean NEVER experience in real life. Women talking about how they love gaming, sports, boning more than their partners, etc. Tons of people in interracial relationships and relationships with disparate ages of the partners. In short, don’t hesitate to email her. You have nothing to lose! ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/892 "2010-09-17T04:05:59Z")
> [@Edward\_The\_Head](#): > > > [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > > > but she’s a lawyer, which I find intimidating. > > What, you think she wants to talk shop when she gets home? Hell that’s probably the furthest thing from her mind. Email her dude. Wouldn’t client confidentiality specifically preclude talking shop at home? Of all the things that might potentially stop me from responding to a woman’s profile (not that I ever do, of course), “lawyer” is not one of them. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/893 "2010-09-17T20:12:57Z")
Annd I just got an account disabled on me too. I never actually got a response to my message, but if she didn’t drop it because I was creeping her out I’ll be very surprised. ☹ I’m thinking about changing tactics and start looking at [Meetup.com](http://Meetup.com) and try to move things away from online dating. It’s got to be an easier way to get a foot in the door, even if the pool is smaller. ---
**Author:** ![Rala](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@Rala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rala)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2010, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/894 "2010-09-18T16:08:49Z")
I finally got around to making a [profile](http://www.okcupid.com/profile). Anyone care to offer constructive criticism? ETA: When I click on my link I just get told to login, so I’m not sure if it’s working. How do you link to your own profile? ---
**Author:** ![pricciar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@pricciar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pricciar)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2010, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/895 "2010-09-18T17:10:02Z")
Easiest way is to click on someone else’s profile copy the URL and then remove their name and put your name in. Easiest way I know of. There are probably much easier ways. [http://www.okcupid.com/profile/YourUserName](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/YourUserName) (Put your name there) ---
**Author:** ![A\_Spoonful\_of\_Awesome](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3be4f8/32.png) [@A\_Spoonful\_of\_Awesome](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/A_Spoonful_of_Awesome)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2010, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/896 "2010-09-18T21:28:26Z")
I’m far from an online dating expert but I’ve had a bit of success so I guess I’ll chime in here. I’ve been on OKC for about two years now (mostly just for kicks) and I’ve found that most worthwhile women get so over-saturated with responses that they simply don’t have time to read them all. It doesn’t matter how well-written or pithy your actual message may be if she just skims her box (heh) and deletes people based on the little thumbnail pic. For me, the trick is in the subject line. Just like introducing yourself to someone IRL, this is going to be her first real impression of you. Try to give it something to make it stand out a bit when she’s looking over her hoards of admirers. It’s worked pretty well for me so far. I’ve sent out lots of messages and I get a return much more often than not. If you want examples, I’m happy to share a few. Mostly I’m just silly and stupid, but it works for me. But then I tend to go for the oddish sorta women because, well, I’m an oddish sorta dude. 😉 YM will obviously V depending on your particular flavor of female, but you get the idea. At least it gets them to open your actual message. As for the message itself, I generally mix together equal parts compliment, random humor, obscure references to her profile that I think nobody else catches (to prove I’ve actually read it) along with a few mildly-interesting factoids about myself. People tend to be drawn towards those who reinforce the image they already have of themselves, so I’ll generally try to keep my messages pointed in that direction. If she’s done her profile properly, it’s pretty easy to make an informed assessment of her self-image. Not that I offer false praise, mind you, but it provides a good horizon to focus on when I’m writing. Considering that the majority of guys (at least in my age category, 20-30) write like they’re composing a pre-teen text message, you don’t really have to be that impressive. Just a simple grasp of the written word (i.e. the proper usage of ‘your’) already puts you a step ahead of the masses. Here are some general guidelines I try to follow in sending an intro message. Take or discard them at your leisure: Above all, (and I know it’s a horrendous cliche), the most effective messages are those that are completely honest and authentic. Girls have an incredible BS detector, especially when it comes to meeting new guys. Don’t over-compliment her. What truly intrigues you about this person? She obviously stood out for some reason or another. Identify that which makes her unique and then elaborate. And girls absolutely love to hear why they are more impressive than other girls. Just sayin’. Don’t worry so much about sounding like everyone else. You are not everyone else so just be yourself and it will naturally come out unique. If you are feeling funny at the moment, then obviously use that, but if you’re not, don’t try to force it; you’ll fail. Don’t try to be impressive, it will generally come out forced and fake. Don’t put too much importance on a single person. Many women can look perfect on paper. Odds are, she has just as many flaws as you do and if she doesn’t like what you have to say, there is a whole internet full of others. Also, don’t come on too strong. Be friendly, but not over the top. Talk to them like a potential friend that you’d like to get to know better rather than a possible life-partner. Takes the pressure off you both and it makes for a more enjoyable message. And finally: If I read a profile and think “wow, this girl is WAY out of my league! No way could I possibly message her”, then the very next thing I do is force myself to drop her a line. Even if it’s stupid or embarrassing, I feel proud for making the leap. And I’ve been surprised more than once that a girl I thought was “out of my league” ended up playing on my team. 😉 Ok, that came out way longer than I’d planned. Sorry if this sounds overly-preachy or condescending. Just me bein’ me, I guess. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2010, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/897 "2010-09-18T23:40:20Z")
> [@A\_Spoonful\_of\_Awesome](#): > > Ok, that came out way longer than I’d planned. Sorry if this sounds overly-preachy or condescending. Just me bein’ me, I guess. 🙂 That’s okay. The first line didn’t really stand out, so I just skimmed over the rest of the post. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2010, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/898 "2010-09-19T02:43:32Z")
So, earlier we were talking about the perfect match. I mentioned that I had a few of them. A few months back I emailed one of them and as it turned out she never signed on again after I emailed her. A few days ago she showed up again. I immediately sent her another email (referencing the previous one). I was happy to see she actually checked my profile (possibly twice). Anyways, she’s since rewrote her profile and added a few pictures. Now I wish I had waited. The new profile gives me a ton more to ‘work with.’ It’s really tempting to write her another, but I don’t think I’ll do that. Luckily some of the things she mentions in her new profile, including one that I think is pretty important, are already in mine. So, we’ll see what happens. \*she mentioned something I very rarely see in profiles…that she prefers staying home over going out…something I mentioned in mine as well and I’m hoping a lot of other guys don’t say this, it’ll make me stand out. It’s okay, she’s too perfect, there’s gotta be something wrong (or so I’ll keep telling myself). ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2010, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/899 "2010-09-19T03:22:01Z")
> [@A\_Spoonful\_of\_Awesome](#): > > Don’t try to be impressive, it will generally come out forced and fake. Don’t put too much importance on a single person. Many women can look perfect on paper. Odds are, she has just as many flaws as you do and if she doesn’t like what you have to say, there is a whole internet full of others. Also, don’t come on too strong. Be friendly, but not over the top. Yeah, pretty sure this is where I went wrong with the last prospect. I’m fairly sure my message came off as fake, over the top, and more than a little creepy. I simply don’t do well approaching someone cold, but I suspect that’s true of everyone except those who work at being pick-up artists (to which there are like hundreds of [Meetup.com](http://Meetup.com) groups dedicated. Talk about creepy). I’m not so much worried about someone being out of my league as someone deciding they’re too good for my league. Even geeks looking for other geeks will have a ridiculously high standard for attractiveness. I try not to fall into that trap myself; I’ve managed to reorient my standards to find things about not-conventionally-pretty faces to like, although there’s still going to be aesthetics that just don’t quite attract me. This is another reason I’m leaning toward seeking out a social group; everyone has a vibrancy in person that never comes across fully in pictures, and someone who takes a shit picture can be perfectly attractive in person. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2010, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/900 "2010-09-19T03:25:02Z")
To add to my previous post, and keeping in mind that she’s recently checked my profile can I assume it wouldn’t be kosher to send her another email? The first one she got, now that I think about it she probably never read or at least doesn’t remember and this one, now that I re-read it wasn’t that great. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t _bad_ I was just a little eager and it could have been much better. I’m tempted to send another one that starts along the lines of “Hi there, I was glad to see you were back in the game that I kinda shot from the hip on that last email. Between that and reading your new profile I’m going to take a second shot at it…” and then write a new email. Ending with something along the lines of “Again, if you’re interested I’d love to talk to you, otherwise, have a great day” or some (BS) along those lines? Needy/smothering/clingy sounding or "What’s she going to do, ignore me _more_. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=44) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=46)