# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 47
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2010, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/921 "2010-09-20T15:52:41Z")
[This GQ thread on video dating](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=578940) actually got me thinking. I don’t look at many guys’ profiles, but I’ve never seen a woman offer a link to a Youtube video in her profile. Has anyone seen a guy do this? It seems like it’d be a brilliant way to make yourself stand out, provided the video is interesting and informative. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2010, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/922 "2010-09-20T16:28:25Z")
Since it’s come up again, I’ll just reiterate: guys (gals too), don’t start off a message by apologizing for being who you are. Seriously, it’s unattractive – I like people who are comfortable in their own skin, who realize and are okay with the fact that they’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, and are confident enough in themselves that it’s not going to emotionally cripple them if they find out that there’s someone out there that they don’t get along with. It happens and it’s not a big deal; all it means is that you don’t hang out with that particular person. So, anything that starts out with something that sounds like “I know you’re out of my league but I’m taking a chance,” just leaves me thinking… why did you write me then? Either you really think you’re awful – in which case please don’t use me for an ego boost, I’m a potential friend, not your therapist – or you have already decided I’m a snob, in which case why do you want to get to know me again? This sounds harsher than I mean it, but the jist is – there’s _nothing wrong with you._ Don’t act like there is. You won’t fit with everyone you meet, but that’s perfectly okay. No one does. You don’t need to. Just say hello, be yourself, like yourself, and _that’s_ how you find out if the two of you get along or not. The only thing you need to apologize for is if you actually do something rude, say like asking her (or speculating) about her favorite sexual positions as a means of introducing yourself. In which case, an apology is appropriate, but don’t expect her to ever speak to you. But please please, don’t apologize just for existing and digging her. Say “Hey, I think you’re neat!” not “Hey, I’m so sorry I think you’re neat!” Even if you fall outside of the preferences I’ve explicitly listed, I’ll respect you more if you just start a conversation or ask me a question about something we’re both interested in. (In fact I’m currently chatting with a guy who did exactly this. We’ll be meeting, as friends, this week.) If you start off with “I know I’m too old/too far away/too short/too tall/not manly enough/whatever, but…” I’m going: _so you read my preferences, apparently understood them, and are ignoring them anyway. You’re a no-means-maybe kind of guy, aintcha? Creep._ If you start a conversation, hey, we get to talk about something we both like to talk about. (Granted, odds are slim that you’ll convince me to change my preferences if they matter to me enough to mention them upfront. But I’ll talk to you and certainly would be happy to become friends if we get along and you’re friendly and civilized.) ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2010, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/923 "2010-09-20T16:40:08Z")
You may have noticed that I think the “in/out of my league” thing is utter bollocks. If you think your partner is intrinsically _better_ than you as a human being, what kind of relationship is that going to be? It sort of eliminates any potential for an equal partnership. Is s/he going to have to constantly prop up your self-esteem? How healthy can that possibly be? Not “better,” not “worse,” just _different._ ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2010, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/924 "2010-09-20T16:42:43Z")
It was something of an epiphany to realize that, if they were so much better than me, why are _they_ on OKC too? I’ve read a few profiles that sound like the second coming of Christ in female form, but…they’re single and they’re farting around online like me. They can’t be _that_ much cooler. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2010, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/925 "2010-09-20T18:55:06Z")
> [@Bosstone](#): > > Annd I just got an account disabled on me too. I never actually got a response to my message, but if she didn’t drop it because I was creeping her out I’ll be very surprised. I mean this in the nicest possible way: You’re not as important as you think you are. I am \*absolutely sure \*that the single message you sent this woman in no way caused her to disable her entire account. The corrolary to this, of course, being that you’re also not as creepy as you think you are. I think I’ve talked to you enough now that I can safely say that you’re \*not capable \*of unintentionally creeping the hell out of a woman online to the extent that she would stop participating in a site. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2010, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/926 "2010-09-20T19:06:41Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > > [@Bosstone](#): > > > > Annd I just got an account disabled on me too. I never actually got a response to my message, but if she didn’t drop it because I was creeping her out I’ll be very surprised. > > I mean this in the nicest possible way: You’re not as important as you think you are. I am \*absolutely sure \*that the single message you sent this woman in no way caused her to disable her entire account. The corrolary to this, of course, being that you’re also not as creepy as you think you are. I think I’ve talked to you enough now that I can safely say that you’re \*not capable \*of unintentionally creeping the hell out of a woman online to the extent that she would stop participating in a site. You’re such a sweet talker, **Guns**. 😃 It was awful coincidental timing, but I’m sure you’re right. I’m mainly just being mopey. I suspect she had just found someone else and realized she didn’t want to keep her profile up. A woman like that wouldn’t have lasted long without some good prospects showing up. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2010, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/927 "2010-09-20T21:06:23Z")
> [@Bosstone](#): > > I’m mainly just being mopey. Yup, which is why I took it upon myself to do the neighborly thing and kick you out of it. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2010, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/928 "2010-09-22T04:10:36Z")
Alrighty, I just canceled my Match subscription. I have 42 days left on it and plan to send out as many emails as I can in that time…which won’t be many I’m sure. After that I’ll decide if I want to re-up or more likely move over to E-Harmony. I’m not necessarily expecting better luck over there, just fresh blood. Now, I’m trying to decide if I want to change my caption/status to “My last day is 11/3/10” On the one hand, there have been people I’m thought about emailing that upon seeing that I’ve sent a message (or a second one) instead of waiting. OTOH, if anyone catches my eye, I plan to send them an email, I’m not going to wait for anyone to contact me…OTOOH, maybe some of the girls I’ve sent emails to that were on the fence about me will reply. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2010, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/929 "2010-09-22T04:31:41Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > Now, I’m trying to decide if I want to change my caption/status to “My last day is 11/3/10” On the one hand, there have been people I’m thought about emailing that upon seeing that I’ve sent a message (or a second one) instead of waiting. OTOH, if anyone catches my eye, I plan to send them an email, I’m not going to wait for anyone to contact me…OTOOH, maybe some of the girls I’ve sent emails to that were on the fence about me will reply. I missed some commas, let’s try that again. On the one hand, there have been some people that I’ve thought about emailing, that when they changed their message to “I’m leaving on \_\_\_\_\_\_” I’ve decided to go ahead and send it (or send a second one). OTOH, I’m not waiting for anyone to send me messages anymore, if I see someone I like, they’ll get an email from me. OTOOH, maybe some of the people that I’ve already sent emails to, that may have been on the fence, will reply. When my subscription ends, I’ll edit my profile to have my email address in it (hidden, so the [match.com](http://match.com) bots don’t find it) and just mention that if anyone wants to contact me, skip the wink, send me an email. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2010, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/930 "2010-09-22T15:23:49Z")
Put your end date in, definitely. Could push someone to contact you. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2010, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/931 "2010-09-22T17:58:54Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Put your end date in, definitely. Could push someone to contact you. Yup, did it last night. I’ve been here long enough that I’m only getting one or two visitors a day, so anything to get more people to look. I think I’m going to change it to “My subscription ends 11/3/10, don’t waste a wink, send an email” When it get’s closer to the end, I’ll include my email address\* in any thing I send, as well as put it in my profile. \*I’ve found that if I send my email address in a [match.com](http://match.com) email it’ll change it to [myusername@matchtalk.com](mailto:myusername@matchtalk.com). So I’m going to setup a yahoo address that uses my match user name. Then I just have to tell people to add at yahoo to my username. Match will just downgrade me to a free subscription so I’ll still be able to see profiles and get (and send) winks. But I won’t be able to communicate via the match site. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 11:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/932 "2010-09-23T11:45:16Z")
Okay, I set up and EHarmony profile and something about it concerns me. It asked me “How many children under the age of 18 live with you full time” To which I answered “zero” since my 4 year old is only with me half the time. Now, on my profile it says “Kids at home: No” Well, that’s not entirely true. On Match it says “Kids? Yes (1) and they sometimes live at home” It is mentioned in my profile that my daughter is with my half the time and she’s in plenty of my pictures so it’s not like I’m hiding it. On the other hand, changing that to yes could alter the way it matches me with people and since the site is fundamentally different then match or OKC I’m not sure I want to screw with anything like that. ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/933 "2010-09-23T13:07:42Z")
I take the kid question to mean they live with me or are in my home a significant part of the time. I have kids, and I put that they don’t live with me because they don’t most days. Think of it this way; if you were going to go out tonight spontaneously, would you have to also find a sitter, or could you just go and that would be that? If most of the time you can answer “I’m outta here!” instead of “Fuck, I need a sitter!!” then mark it as “Kids at home; no” ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/934 "2010-09-23T13:58:31Z")
> [@EvilTOJ](#): > > I take the kid question to mean they live with me or are in my home a significant part of the time. I have kids, and I put that they don’t live with me because they don’t most days. Think of it this way; if you were going to go out tonight spontaneously, would you have to also find a sitter, or could you just go and that would be that? If most of the time you can answer “I’m outta here!” instead of “Fuck, I need a sitter!!” then mark it as “Kids at home; no” I am childless Monday’s, Thursday’s and Friday’s (and Saturday until about 5:00, but I work on Saturday so I’m not sure if it counts). I answered “no” to “Do you have a child living in your house full time?” and I was surprised that there wasn’t a follow up question about if there are any children living in your house part time. Either way, she’s in plenty of my pictures and I mentioned that she’s with me part time in my profile. That’s another things, there’s not much space to write about yourself here. It was like trying to Twitter my life story. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/935 "2010-09-23T14:23:43Z")
**Joey** , I was on the fence until I read that you are childless Friday. That’s a typical date-night, so I’d say you’re just fine listing both as childless but then explaining within the profile somewhere. People are always saying what their “type” is, but then end up with someone else. The problem with dating websites is that it requires people to fundamentally know who they are and what they want - and that’s a tall order. I mean, your daughter is in your pictures - people will assume she’s yours, and not a niece. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2010, 7:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/936 "2010-09-24T07:38:17Z")
Edit: I’d typed up a long message about a beautiful girl who’d given me high stars that I was planning on messaging but I’ve discovered that she’s a spam account. That’ll teach me. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2010, 8:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/937 "2010-09-24T08:07:42Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Edit: I’d typed up a long message about a beautiful girl who’d given me high stars that I was planning on messaging but I’ve discovered that she’s a spam account. That’ll teach me. 😉 How did you know how many stars she’d given you (and which site), and how did you discover it was a spam account (beyond the obvious)? ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2010, 8:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/938 "2010-09-24T08:31:23Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > > Edit: I’d typed up a long message about a beautiful girl who’d given me high stars that I was planning on messaging but I’ve discovered that she’s a spam account. That’ll teach me. 😉 > > How did you know how many stars she’d given you (and which site), and how did you discover it was a spam account (beyond the obvious)? It was on OkCupid. I received an email saying that someone had rated me highly. I found her profile and rated her high in return. On OkCupid when two people rate one another highly they each receive a message on the site letting them know that they’ve been matched. At this point I typed my message here and returned to the site to find that she’d sent me one: > [@person](#): > > thanks for the add! i just came across ur profile, u seem a nice person and fun to hangout with. anyway up for a chat? on yahoo perhaps my sn is [jamieb042305@yahoo.com](mailto:jamieb042305@yahoo.com) ok? hit me up if u feel like chattin 🙂 1.) She sent me a generic message asking me to chat on YIM 2.) The girl in the photos is gorgeous- very definitely out of my league 3.) She hasn’t answered any questions on the site (so she’s got a 0% match rating with everyone) I’m confident the profile is a fake. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2010, 8:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/939 "2010-09-24T08:44:37Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > It was on OkCupid. I received an email saying that someone had rated me highly. I found her profile and rated her high in return. On OkCupid when two people rate one another highly they each receive a message on the site letting them know that they’ve been matched. Oh, yes, I’ve gotten those “someone rated you highly” messages, too. But, they don’t tell you who it is, yet. I didn’t realize you’d rated her as well; I’ve only ever gotten that message once. (Traded a couple messages (quite witty ones, I thought) and then she stopped replying.) > [@](#): > > 1.) She sent me a generic message asking me to chat on YIM > 2.) The girl in the photos is gorgeous- very definitely out of my league > 3.) She hasn’t answered any questions on the site (so she’s got a 0% match rating with everyone) > > I’m confident the profile is a fake. That does sound suspiciously free of content. What’s the point? Once she gets you on IM, is that when the “my roommate Ingrid and I are from Sweden” stuff starts? ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2010, 9:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/940 "2010-09-24T09:06:30Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > Oh, yes, I’ve gotten those “someone rated you highly” messages, too. But, they don’t tell you who it is, yet. Nope. But they show you nine pictures. It was easy enough to go from there and find the one who’d rated me. > [@Robot](#): > > That does sound suspiciously free of content. What’s the point? Once she gets you on IM, is that when the “my roommate Ingrid and I are from Sweden” stuff starts? I don’t know. I’ve never responded to a spammer. I was spammed twice within a few minutes of creating my profile. I mentioned it in my [scientific analysis](http://www.theinfamousnick.com/blog/okcupid1.html), actually (you made an appearance!). I figure that if I were to IM her she’d link me to a site that’d have spyware or something on it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=46) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=48)