# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 48
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2010, 11:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/941 "2010-09-24T11:30:56Z")
Regarding the stars, if one of the 9 people they show you is the last person who visited your profile, I think it’s safe to assume that it was that person. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2010, 11:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/942 "2010-09-24T11:39:55Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > Regarding the stars, if one of the 9 people they show you is the last person who visited your profile, I think it’s safe to assume that it was that person. Yup. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2010, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/943 "2010-09-24T11:48:42Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > > > Oh, yes, I’ve gotten those “someone rated you highly” messages, too. But, they don’t tell you who it is, yet. > > Nope. But they show you nine pictures. It was easy enough to go from there and find the one who’d rated me. > > > [@Robot](#): > > > > That does sound suspiciously free of content. What’s the point? Once she gets you on IM, is that when the “my roommate Ingrid and I are from Sweden” stuff starts? > > I don’t know. I’ve never responded to a spammer. I was spammed twice within a few minutes of creating my profile. I mentioned it in my [scientific analysis](http://www.theinfamousnick.com/blog/okcupid1.html), actually (you made an appearance!). > > I figure that if I were to IM her she’d link me to a site that’d have spyware or something on it. Not necessarily even spyware, just that you’d be linked to a (legit or not) pay site. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2010, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/944 "2010-09-24T12:36:31Z")
So, EHarmony, if I find someone I like, do I follow the guided communication, sending out 5 questions and going from there? To me, and maybe it’s from being on the other sites, that feels like a ‘wink’ where you’re basically asking the other person to do the work. I understand I can skip that and just send an email, would that be better? I’d prefer to just do that. Some of the questions I’ve received are a bit hard to answer since they’re multiple choice…OTOH, I fear some people that are used to doing it this way might see an email as being to forward and shy away from it. I wish EHarmony would tell me how long a user has been there (or at least more or less then, say 2 months). I hate it when someone only has one picture and I have know way of knowing if they’re new and will probably upload more soon or if they’ve been there for 6 months and this is likely all I’m going to get. And since I have no way of knowing how many pictures they have without opening their profile, I have to keep checking it. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2010, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/945 "2010-09-24T17:48:12Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > > > Oh, yes, I’ve gotten those “someone rated you highly” messages, too. But, they don’t tell you who it is, yet. > > Nope. But they show you nine pictures. It was easy enough to go from there and find the one who’d rated me. Wait, what the hell is the point of telling you someone “rated you highly” but not actually telling you _who it is?_ Isn’t one of the main selling points of internet dating the fact that it’s supposed to be a bit more efficient than trying to find parties to meet people at and then take your chances that you’ll get along? How is it helpful _at all_ to know someone is interested, but have no (easy) way of actually finding them so you can talk to them? (Of course I don’t like the game-playing this implies, either. If you’d like to talk to me / meet me, send me a goddamn message so I can reply to it. If you wanna be coy, I’m sorry, I just don’t have time for that. I’ve got a Real Life offline that I need to be living. Use Your Words, and say what you want.) OKC is mostly okay a lot of the time, but jeez, some of the stuff they build into the system is just stupid as hell. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2010, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/946 "2010-09-24T17:59:07Z")
Missed the edit: “Icebreakers” are similarly stupid. I get messages from people who have never seen my profile. It’s hidden from them, and all they know about me is some random in-common keyword that the robot pulled from our profiles… so woo, I have all of one thing in common with a total stranger, _that never happens!_ So they in actual fact have _no idea_ if they’d like me or not. What’s the freakin point of doing this blindly? Just give the guy/gal my profile along with the keyword so they can make an informed choice about it. That’s the point of filling out a profile. Otherwise it’s just wasting our time. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2010, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/947 "2010-09-24T18:07:33Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > Wait, what the hell is the point of telling you someone “rated you highly” but not actually telling you _who it is?_ Isn’t one of the main selling points of internet dating the fact that it’s supposed to be a bit more efficient than trying to find parties to meet people at and then take your chances that you’ll get along? How is it helpful _at all_ to know someone is interested, but have no (easy) way of actually finding them so you can talk to them? The “someone rated you highly” message includes nine pictures, and a link to their quickmatch section. That shows you random profiles and you rate each one (1 to 5 stars) to get to the next profile. They’re not totally random, they’re nearby, the preferred sex, and I’m pretty sure that the secret admirer from the original message gets put near the head of the queue. Give that person a high rating, and you both get a message identifying the other. As **Joey** said, you can use other info on the site to get an idea of who it is. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2010, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/948 "2010-09-24T18:18:16Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > > [@Kaio](#): > > > > Wait, what the hell is the point of telling you someone “rated you highly” but not actually telling you _who it is?_ Isn’t one of the main selling points of internet dating the fact that it’s supposed to be a bit more efficient than trying to find parties to meet people at and then take your chances that you’ll get along? How is it helpful _at all_ to know someone is interested, but have no (easy) way of actually finding them so you can talk to them? > > The “someone rated you highly” message includes nine pictures, and a link to their quickmatch section. That shows you random profiles and you rate each one (1 to 5 stars) to get to the next profile. They’re not totally random, they’re nearby, the preferred sex, and I’m pretty sure that the secret admirer from the original message gets put near the head of the queue. Give that person a high rating, and you both get a message identifying the other. > > As **Joey** said, you can use other info on the site to get an idea of who it is. Also, you then go through that and rate those people, anyone you give 4 or 5 stars to (that wasn’t the person that rated you) will get an email…the idea is that it kinda propagates and get’s people to keep rating each other which will spark conversations. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2010, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/949 "2010-09-24T18:19:28Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > Missed the edit: > > “Icebreakers” are similarly stupid. I get messages from people who have never seen my profile. It’s hidden from them, and all they know about me is some random in-common keyword that the robot pulled from our profiles… so woo, I have all of one thing in common with a total stranger, _that never happens!_ So they in actual fact have _no idea_ if they’d like me or not. > > What’s the freakin point of doing this blindly? Just give the guy/gal my profile along with the keyword so they can make an informed choice about it. That’s the point of filling out a profile. Otherwise it’s just wasting our time. Icebreakers are just stupid. I don’t even click on that button anymore. I’m always surprised when I get an ice breaker message (I can’t believe anyone would do that) and they always seem to live at least a hundred miles away. ---
**Author:** ![pricciar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@pricciar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pricciar)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2010, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/950 "2010-09-24T19:04:24Z")
Here’s something slightly annoying that has started to happen to me lately. Guys tell me if it ever happens to you. I have written to some women with fun profiles on OKCupid. I read their profile, send off a hopefully interesting message related to that profile, and then try to forget about the whole thing because I know that more likely than not they are not going to reply. With OkCupid you can see people who have looked at your profile. Often, after I send a message the person I sent it to will pop up on my list of stalkers. .And, I usually take that to mean they read my message and now are checking out my profile to see if they are interested. If they don’t reply soon after that I put them in the “Not” pile in my head and move on to other people. Lately, a couple of women have looked at my profile after I sent my message and didn’t reply. And, that happens all of the time. But, they have come back to my profile. One woman has returned once a week for two months. Another has been back 3 times this week after I wrote last week. I don’t understand it. Why keep coming back? It just gives me a momentary moment of hope, until i remember how long it has been since I have written. It’s just odd behavior. I think. Once I look at a profile I don’t go back. Unless a picture has changed or it has been a long time so I don’t realize I have seen the profile before. I can’t make any sense of it, at least. Anyone else ever notice this? Anyone ever do this? ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2010, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/951 "2010-09-24T19:09:40Z")
I dislike Icebreakers. I’m not really on OKC to make friends, so if I do an Icebreaker and the person turns out to be unattractive (not ugly, just someone who doesn’t do it for me), I’m already stuck. No thanks. > [@pricciar](#): > > Lately, a couple of women have looked at my profile after I sent my message and didn’t reply. And, that happens all of the time. But, they have come back to my profile. One woman has returned once a week for two months. Another has been back 3 times this week after I wrote last week. I don’t understand it. Why keep coming back? It just gives me a momentary moment of hope, until i remember how long it has been since I have written. It’s just odd behavior. I think. Once I look at a profile I don’t go back. Unless a picture has changed or it has been a long time so I don’t realize I have seen the profile before. I can’t make any sense of it, at least. Anyone else ever notice this? Anyone ever do this? More than once I’ve spotted a profile that I couldn’t remember if I had visited before or not, and checked it again. My memory is far from perfect and holes do appear at times. So I revisit. I would imagine it’s something like that. They could also be thinking about you but are too shy to respond. Hell, at the third visit I’d send them another message. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2010, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/952 "2010-09-24T19:20:43Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > Also, you then go through that and rate those people, anyone you give 4 or 5 stars to (that wasn’t the person that rated you) will get an email…the idea is that it kinda propagates and get’s people to keep rating each other which will spark conversations. Or you could just message each other and start a conversation that way (with words and stuff!), rather than making me jump through flaming hoops to talk to someone who can’t even balls up enough to say ‘hello.’ The whole “someone likes you, but we won’t say who! You gotta guess!” thing seems like a very junior-high style of dating; when I’d rather invest my limited free time in dating like a grown-up. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2010, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/953 "2010-09-24T19:29:54Z")
> [@pricciar](#): > > Lately, a couple of women have looked at my profile after I sent my message and didn’t reply. And, that happens all of the time. But, they have come back to my profile. One woman has returned once a week for two months. Another has been back 3 times this week after I wrote last week. I don’t understand it. Why keep coming back? It just gives me a momentary moment of hope, until i remember how long it has been since I have written. It’s just odd behavior. I think. Once I look at a profile I don’t go back. Unless a picture has changed or it has been a long time so I don’t realize I have seen the profile before. I can’t make any sense of it, at least. Anyone else ever notice this? Anyone ever do this? They’re probably just on the fence about it. Or it could be that they read it and glanced at your profile and are now getting back to take a better look. I hate to admit this, but I set up a second profile (no pictures, no text, private browsing) that I originally setup so that when I see the profile of someone I know I can flip over to this one and look at their profile without them knowing it’s me. Now, I use it for your reason. If I’m on the fence about someone I can check and re-check their profile all I want with this profile and they never know it. And, of course, I use it to [del]stalk[/del] look at a few profiles from time to time of people that I really liked that either never responded or stopped talking in the middle of a discussion. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2010, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/954 "2010-09-24T22:10:19Z")
I might create a [del]stalker[/del] profile like that myself. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2010, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/955 "2010-09-24T22:56:45Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > I might create a [del]stalker[/del] profile like that myself. Ya know how sometimes you think it might be kinda neat to be invisible. This sort of feels that way. Okay, back to my other question. For those or you that are on EHarmony (or have used it in the past) is it kosher to skip the questions and just send someone an email? Or is that seen as a little to forward…or would it be a welcome relief from seeing the same question constantly coming up? ---
**Author:** ![jsc1953](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@jsc1953](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jsc1953)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2010, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/956 "2010-09-25T00:32:23Z")
[QUOTE=Joey P] Okay, back to my other question. For those or you that are on EHarmony (or have used it in the past) is it kosher to skip the questions and just send someone an email? Or is that seen as a little to forward…or would it be a welcome relief from seeing the same question constantly coming up? [/QUOTE] It happens to me about 10% of the time, and it always strikes me as a little forward; like, what’s the damn rush? Occasionally (but rarely) something on the canned questions, or more likely the Must Haves / Cant Stands, turns out to be a dealbreaker. And besides, I’ve got the answers to the canned questions down cold. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Rala](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@Rala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rala)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2010, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/957 "2010-09-25T05:41:31Z")
> [@Bosstone](#): > > It was something of an epiphany to realize that, if they were so much better than me, why are _they_ on OKC too? I’ve read a few profiles that sound like the second coming of Christ in female form, but…they’re single and they’re farting around online like me. They can’t be _that_ much cooler. Yeah. I ran into someone I’m vaguely acquainted with IRL and my first thought was concern that he’d mock me for being on a dating site. Then it occurred to me that he was on the exact same dating site, for the same reason. To those who suggested more pictures, that’s a good point. I’ll upload some once I find the batteries for the camera. I’ve been messaging a guy who seems to be very nearly perfect for me. One year out of my stated age range, but that doesn’t matter. 93% match and only 2% enemy. His profile is charming and well-written, his first message to me began with a silly pun, he quotes from The Princess Bride and we find more things we have in common with every message. And he lives in bloody China. I don’t know whether I’m thrilled or pissed about meeting him. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2010, 10:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/958 "2010-09-25T10:02:53Z")
Cool beans. I got _another_ “fake” high rating. This person, like the previous one, had browsing anonymously enabled for some reason (seems counterintuitive to her goal) and so I had to trudge through quickmatch for a few minutes. I finally found one of the people who was on my list of nine and it was a chick from California. I’m immediately uninterested but figured I’d rate her highly just to quickly check if it was her who’d rated me so that I could either continue my search or stop. Surprise surprise, it was her. Reading her profile I saw: > [@Person](#): > > hey… I’m doing private camshows in yahoo and skype to help me pay for school. if you’re interested and you’re willing to donate, hit me up at one of the screen names below. > > And don’t worry.. I’m real. I’m completely independent so I’m not going to push you to some website.. and I’ll even show you my cam before you pay anything so that you know I’m real. > > Oh and please don’t message me if you’re not interested in helping me out. If you do decide to message me, make sure you tell me where you’re from and that you’re form okcupid. Great. So she was highly rating everyone she saw so that they’d go to her page and perhaps become customers. We were both sent automated messages as usual so I responded to hers to head her off: > [@Me](#): > > Ignore this. Not interested in camming. I rated you to check if it was you who’d rated me. So I was fake rated for the first time and it happened again within like 12 hours. Way to get my hopes up, OkCupid! ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2010, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/959 "2010-09-27T18:12:06Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > Wait, what the hell is the point of telling you someone “rated you highly” but not actually telling you _who it is?_ To encourage more activity on the site. Obviously. > [@pricciar](#): > > Lately, a couple of women have looked at my profile after I sent my message and didn’t reply. And, that happens all of the time. But, they have come back to my profile. You interested them enough that they didn’t delete your PM, but not so much that they wanted to get in touch with you immediately, so they keep checking back to remind themselves who you are and why this PM is still sitting in their mail. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2010, 11:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/960 "2010-09-28T11:51:45Z")
Or rather, this one line from an email. “I was drawn to your headline, it made me smile!” The rest of the email is basically a glorified wink. I liked your profile, I’d write more but I have to get to bed…etc. She’s new, so I can cut her some slack. But what bothers me is that my headline is “My subscription ends 11/3/10.” I suppose that could make someone laugh/smile, but that’s really not why it’s there. I almost wondered if the profile was fake, but it doesn’t appear to be. My guess is that she’s new to the online dating thing and was reading on the internet about what to write in a first email. Either that, or she just sent the same thing out to a bunch of guys. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=47) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=49)