# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 71
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2011, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1402 "2011-02-02T20:28:55Z")
> [@cuauhtemoc](#): > > Another thing I wanted to say, regarding the area I live in: Anybody who’s familiar with New York probably knows that inter-borough dating can be tough. For example, if you live in Queens, as I do, and you’re dating someone in Brooklyn, that is a long-distance relationship, even though you may only be five miles away. So why should a Brooklyn woman date a Queens guy when there are plenty of eligible guys in Brooklyn? I wonder if you get the same thing I get. I live in Maryland right near DC and the Potomac. I get way more people in Virgina then I do Maryland. I’m pretty sure it has to do with the search and it doesn’t care if there’s a river in the way. I’d love to be able to just search on people in Maryland, or in certain zip codes. It’s 10 times easier to get an hour away in Maryland then 15-20 miles into Virginia. ---
**Author:** ![cuauhtemoc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecb155/32.png) [@cuauhtemoc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cuauhtemoc)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2011, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1403 "2011-02-02T21:03:24Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > **cuauhtemoc** , are you young? (Brooklyn tends to skew young) Could it just be your age range perhaps? Have you tried other zip codes in Queens? No, I’m 35. But I tried with both wide and narrow age ranges, with the same results. And it doesn’t matter what zip code you use in New York, because they only allow you to search within 25, 50, 100, 250, or 500 miles. There are probably zip codes in Connecticut that are 25 miles from me. And you can’t search by borough. So I can’t, for example, exclude Brooklyn and Manhattan from the results. But the point is that if I could, there would be hardly anyone left. That just seems very strange to me. Not that I wouldn’t date someone from another borough, of course. For whatever reason, I was destined to be invisible on that site. I started out writing to every woman I liked, then figured they weren’t writing back because of location, so I started writing only to the very very few women in Queens. Nothing. I figured I was trying to fit myself into a model of social interaction that just doesn’t work for me. So I gave up. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2011, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1404 "2011-02-02T21:09:04Z")
I live at the top of a long lake in a small city, with very few outlying communities (a.k.a. “the middle of nowhere”). The other side of the pond is only a hundred miles away as the crow flies, but a nine hour drive going around the coast. I live half a day’s drive from the nearest small city other than my small city and an eight hour drive from the nearest large city, but both of these are in another country. The nearest large city in my own province is a thousand miles away. As a result, most potential matches presented to me are geographically impractical, unless I restrict the criteria to only 25 miles. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2011, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1405 "2011-03-05T05:18:15Z")
Well, it’s been a month, so I’m gonna bump this thread with another question even though it isn’t specifically related to _online_ dating. This one’s been nagging at me for a while, but I’m not sure how to put it into (written) words, but I’ll do my best. My question is about a first (or second or third or fourth or whatever) date. Basically, long before you’re in any kind of an exclusive or established relationship. You’re still in the ‘getting to know each other’ phase. We’re talking early enough that you haven’t met each other’s friends or family. The most physical you’ve been with each other is a good night kiss. This could even be something that comes up within the first hour of meeting each other in the normal course of conversation. So you’re talking, getting to know each other and she (or he) asks you a question about your lifestyle. A question that will involve your future significant other and will likely change during the different phases of the relationship. For example. She could ask you how often you spend time with your family. For (single) me, I see my family about 3-4 times a week. But in a new, established, exclusive relationship, during the ‘honeymoon’ phase, I’d expect that number to drop significantly as I’d expect to be spending quite a bit more time with my new girlfriend. Once that phase is over and the relationship has ‘settled down’ so to speak, I’d imagine that we’d, as in the two of us as a couple, would see my family at least once or twice a week for dinner (and hers as well if she’s close with them). Okay, now, that specific scenario is really unimportant, so we don’t need to pick it apart. My question is, when a date asks you a question about your life that’s likely to evolve with the relationship\* how do you answer it? Specifically, would you say something like “Well, I spend a lot of time with my family and I’d hope the person I’m dating would join me” or “I spend a lot of time with my family and I’d hope that down the road, you’d join me” Does that make sense? Let me see if I can phrase that differently. If your date asks you something about your life and it’s clear that she’s asking because she wants to know how it jives with her values do you use phrases like “my girlfriend/SO/wife” or “you/us/we” This was just something that dawned on me a few weeks ago. For some reason I had a hypothetical conversation with a mystery date in my head and she asked me a question and I answered it along the lines of “Well, let’s say we’ve been together for X months and we’re basically living together or at least spending the night at each others houses more often then not, I’d …” and as I thought about that sentence it made me realize that saying that on a first date might kind of scare someone off or come off as desperate or clingy when really it just seemed like the best way to word it. OTOH, saying “Well, I like to think that by the time I’ve been with someone for X months and we’re…” makes me wonder if she’d be sitting there thinking “Someone?” I know, I’m over thinking this. Besides every person would react to either of these statements totally differently and I’m guessing most people would be _indifferent_ to either. I’m just curious as to what you guys have to say about it. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2011, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1406 "2011-03-07T20:00:01Z")
Personally, I’d probably phrase it as something like, “When I’m single, X. When I’m in a new relationship, Y. When I’m in a long-term relationship with someone, Z.” Adjusting options as necessary. As for how I’d react to a response coming from someone else, I think it’s way too subjective to comment–so much would depend on the question, how the response was phrased, even the inflection of it. ---
**Author:** ![pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2011, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1407 "2011-03-07T22:25:54Z")
Anyone know how to quit E-Harmony? I’m kinda pissed off because I bought three months on E-H, which expired on Monday but when I checked over the weekend (to cancel) I found that I had bought another month. Not the worst thing in the world, but I’d like to make sure that when April comes around I am off E-H. (Basically, they kept sending me highly inappropriate women–cat-owners, God-fearers, and a whole lot of very ugly women. I guess there isn’t any way to measure that last one, but I had almost no interest in 97% of the women EH brought to my attention. Also their screening questions are mostly dumb, and they allow people to maintain profile without pictures, which should be punishable by death, IMO, But I digress…) So, how to exit E-H? I need step by step instructions (“Push the ON button on your laptop, and access the E-H site…”) As to \*\*Joey P’s \*\*question, I’d handle it in terms of what you’ve done before. “Well, my last girlfriend really liked my family, so she and I would hang out with them nearly once a week, but my previous girlfriend had a lot of her own family wanting to hang out with us, so…” ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2011, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1408 "2011-03-07T22:30:55Z")
I’d say you should try to get a refund if you already took steps to cancel your account and they didn’t work. And if they don’t comply, get your CC company to do a chargeback. ---
**Author:** ![pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2011, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1409 "2011-03-07T23:15:39Z")
I’m thinking the problem may be that I took it right up to (and past?) their deadline–it said I was paid up through March 6th when I checked in late February, but then when I tried cancelling on March 4, it said I was now paid up through April 6th, so I expect I’m going to hear that I had to cancel at least 48 hours, not 48 minutes, before my expiration date. But I still have no idea how to cancel–they don’t make it easy to find on the site, and of course they have an automatic renewal if you don’t actively cancel, which always sucks big hairy moose cock… (No offense to those who like sucking big hairy moose cock) ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2011, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1410 "2011-03-07T23:33:19Z")
PRR, I’m not on EH anymore, but IIRC there’s a spot area to deal with your account. I think it’s the tab that has your CC info on it. From there you should be able to cancel/close your account. I don’t recall it being overly difficult to do so. And yes, EH was a huge waste of money. I would go days without getting a single match only to finally log on one day and find 3 or 4. They would either all be ‘flex’ matches, meaning waaay to young or old for me. They wouldn’t have pictures or they would be dead accounts. EH, could do so much better if they would make one small change. You don’t get matched with anyone unless you are a paying member and you’ve logged on at least once in the last month. > [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Personally, I’d probably phrase it as something like, “When I’m single, X. When I’m in a new relationship, Y. When I’m in a long-term relationship with someone, Z.” Adjusting options as necessary. As for how I’d react to a response coming from someone else, I think it’s way too subjective to comment–so much would depend on the question, how the response was phrased, even the inflection of it. Yeah, that’s kinda what I figured about 10 minutes after I wrote this, but I thought I’d leave it alone since this thread could use a bump and my luck hasn’t been so good on the online dating front. The last 3 or 4 girls I’ve emailed on match never even looked at my profile. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2011, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1411 "2011-03-10T20:58:53Z")
In my profile, at the very end, I have a line that says “Don’t wink, send an email.” Earlier in my profile, I mention that you should message me if, then I list a few things, then I say “You’ve read the last line of my profile, it’s important” Since I’ve done that, I still get a few winks each week. Now, I’ve never responded to a wink to begin with, and I don’t plan to now, especially now that I have the ‘don’t wink at me’ line in my profile. Though I do kind of worry that someone I like will wink at me, but I like to think that if I find someone I like, I’ll email her before she even stumbles across my profile on her own. Besides, if she only winks at me, she’s probably not someone I’ll be that interested in anyways. But that’s not what I came here to say. What I came here to say is what I WANT to put in my profile, but wouldn’t do, since it would be considered rude to people that don’t wink anyways. To the people who see my line about not winking at me and send me an email. Please don’t send an email that says [real email I received]: “wink” “hi” “you’re cute” “you’re kid is cute” “I like ur dog” “Check out my profile and hit me up if you like what you see” Those are nothing more then ‘winks’ in a few more words. Put some freakin’ thought into it. You’re trying to impress another person. That doesn’t cut it. Furthermore if you write like this [again, real emails] “Hi how u doin? i just saw u online,so i decided to message u , i tried to chat u here but it seems like the chat here isnt workin anyway u got yahoo lets chat there my sn is [deleted] ok? hit me up im online.” Okay, done ranting. Just had to do this, since I just looked at my email and I saw an email from someone on match that said literally nothing more then “hi” and that’s it. Luckily, I’ve seen her around on Match and it’s not someone I’m interested in so I won’t even give her the satisfaction of looking at her profile. Same goes for the two people that winked at me last night. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2011, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1412 "2011-03-10T21:07:55Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > I > Furthermore if you write like this [again, real emails] > “Hi how u doin? i just saw u online,so i decided to message u , i tried to chat u here but it seems like the chat here isnt workin anyway u got yahoo lets chat there my sn is [deleted] ok? hit me up im online.” Oh god, yes. I don’t care if you’re the equivalent of Mike Rowe, Isiah Mustafah, and Jensen Ackles all rolled up into one deliciously gorgeous sexy package and are a sincerely funny, warm, wonderful person as well - if you write like that, either in your profile or in a message to me I’m going to ignore you. Intensely. :mad: One of my more recent matches (through EH, membership almost over, thankfully) was: … The Religious Nut. Number of times “God” is mentioned in his profile: 6. It actually increases to 9 if you count the (2) instances of “Jesus Christ/Christ” and the (1) instance of “The Lord” whom he thanks in one of his profile pictures. Sample from his profile: > [@The Religious Nut](#): > > **The one thing I am most passionate about:** > > ``` > Working out, hanging out in a forest or somewhere where I can appreciate God's creation. I like to the open air while on my car or motorcycle. I love the way studying the word and going to church gives me peace and helps me appreciate all God has given me. > > ``` > > **The most important thing I am looking for in a person is:** > > ``` > Real love, true love. The kind that places the whole focus of your life on the person God gave you. Besides God, your whole world should surround this person. Also, the kind that forgives and perseveres through the good and the bad. > > ``` I know I’m not the most religious of people (read: not even a tiny bit), but come on! Even the religious have the consider that excessive. I wanted to do a “god” to word ratio count on his profile, but I figured just counting the god references was enough of a time sink. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![DivineComedienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c67d28/32.png) [@DivineComedienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DivineComedienne)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2011, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1413 "2011-03-10T21:17:36Z")
> [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](#): > > Anyone know how to quit E-Harmony? I’m kinda pissed off because I bought three months on E-H, which expired on Monday but when I checked over the weekend (to cancel) I found that I had bought another month. They automatically renew you several days to a week before your actual expiration date “as a convenience to our customers, so their EH service is not interrupted”. I found this out the hard way. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2011, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1414 "2011-03-10T21:21:18Z")
> [@DivineComedienne](#): > > They automatically renew you several days to a week before your actual expiration date “as a convenience to our customers, so their EH service is not interrupted”. I found this out the hard way. It’s a pain, and not always easy to find, but you have to go into your settings and ‘untick’ the “renew automatically” box. They do have it set to auto-renew by default, but you can turn that off, months before your contract is up. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2011, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1415 "2011-03-10T21:23:24Z")
> [@Mauvaise](#): > > Oh god, yes. I don’t care if you’re the equivalent of Mike Rowe, Isiah Mustafah, and Jensen Ackles all rolled up into one deliciously gorgeous sexy package and are a sincerely funny, warm, wonderful person as well - if you write like that, either in your profile or in a message to me I’m going to ignore you. Intensely. :mad: IIRC I mention that in my profile as well. Something along the lines of ‘don’t bother emailing me if your emails look like a text message written by a high school kid’ (but nicer). Again, I can’t stress enough that you are trying to impress the other person. Write in full, well thought out sentences. OTOH, I never, ever write like that, so I would hate to have someone write a nice well thought out email, start dating them and then 2 or 3 weeks in have their emails/texts/phone calls degrade back to what they normally look like (see above). I guess in that respect it’s better to just know now that I’m going to be turned off rather then finding out later. ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2011, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1416 "2011-03-10T22:15:08Z")
So what should I think about the woman that keeps viewing my profile? Over the last month she’s viewed it 10-15 times. I wrote her an email since I thought she was cute, never heard back. I then ignored it the next 5-6 times she did it thinking she wasn’t interested. After a few more I sent her a wink and said hay. She then disappeared and I thought that she made her profile non-public, but OKCupid said it was gone. Then a week later she started looking at my profile again. I know that you can sometimes come across a profile here and there, but for awhile it was every day. So is she just coming across my profile every day and forgetting or is she a bit flaky? It’s too bad too because she’s cute, we like a lot of the same things and lives near me. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2011, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1417 "2011-03-10T22:53:57Z")
> [@Edward\_The\_Head](#): > > I know that you can sometimes come across a profile here and there, but for awhile it was every day. So is she just coming across my profile every day and forgetting or is she a bit flaky? It’s too bad too because she’s cute, we like a lot of the same things and lives near me. I’ll sometimes do the “I’m gonna check out your profile every single day” but I only do that in certain situations. If I sent an email and she didn’t respond, I’ll look at her profile a handful of times over the next two weeks or so sorta kinda hoping she think “Oh yeah, I should write back to him” and occasionally I’ll do it hoping she’ll look at mine and send me one. But you’ve emailed her twice and she’s not responding, so I’m not sure what to tell you. Maybe try being a bit more direct…“Hey there, I see you’ve been looking at my profile every day, I sent you an email a while back, if you’re interested, I’d still like to get to know you”. At the very least, letting her know you’re aware that she keeps looking at your profile might get her to knock it off. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2011, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1418 "2011-03-12T04:40:46Z")
Hmmm, swear I posted something here a few hours ago. Well, I’m not gonna rewrite the whole thing. So I’ll summarize it. I ran across an funny profile, some of the gems from it… I have a Bachelors in Engligh you should have a degree because I don’t want to date anyone else who thinks dolphins live in Lake Michigan your boobs must not be bigger than mine I sent her an email to let her know I thought it was pretty entertaining and to ask her if the typos were on purpose. I’m not really expecting her to reply to it, which is fine. I would have sent a ‘real’ email if that was the case, but I couldn’t pass it up without comment. BTW, if the person who’s profile I quoted posts here…I really did enjoy reading it, it was funny. ---
**Author:** ![pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2011, 8:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1419 "2011-03-12T08:18:50Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > person who’s profile I quoted She should just write you to tell you it’s “whose,” not “who’s.” ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2011, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1420 "2011-03-12T15:03:41Z")
> [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](#): > > She should just write you to tell you it’s “whose,” not “who’s.” I just looked that up and you’re correct. I even re-read my post a few times because, naturally, I was bound to type something wrong in a post like that. Luckily, I’m not the English major so I figure I’m allowed to make an error like that from time to time. ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1421 "2011-03-13T21:26:52Z")
Not pooping on the thread or anything, but I stumbled across this and felt people in this thread using OKCupid may want to know about this apparently “secret” policy: > **[bitchmagazine.org](https://bitchmagazine.org)** > [@](#): > > We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid’s most attractive users. The scales recently tipped in your favor, and we thought you’d like to know. > > How can we say this with confidence? We’ve tracked click-thrus on your photo and analyzed other people’s reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver. > > Your new elite status comes with one important privilege: You will now see more attractive people in your match results. > > This new status won’t affect your actual match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match’s answers. But the people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You’ll be shown to more attractive people in their match results. > > Suddenly, the world is your oyster. Login now and reap the rewards. And, no, we didn’t just send this email to everyone on OkCupid. Go ask an ugly friend and see. Mind-blowing stuff. That last “go ask an ugly friend” bit is kind of a dick move. I figured this might be spam, but found a thread on the OkCupid forums where people are discussing how their matches tend to be more attractive after getting that E-Mail. I’ve never used OkCupid but I hope no one is paying money for an account with policies like that! - TWTTWN [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=70) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=72)