# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 75
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2011, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1482 "2011-04-18T05:03:05Z")
Well hell, her mailbox is full, guess I’m not emailing her after all and I don’t believe in IMing someone I’ve never made contact with. I could email her on match, but she only signs on to that place once every few months so I assume she isn’t a paying member and can’t receive emails. Her username is just a German word so Googling it isn’t getting me anywhere. Her name isn’t mentioned anywhere so finding her on facebook is out. I tried finding her BFF on facebook (so I could find her from there) but that was a dead end as well. I could email her BFF and ask her to pass the email along, but that would be all kinds of weird. Well, now I guess I have a reason to wait and see if she emails me. I could wink at her, but I no longer believe in winks, so that’s out. She only seems to sign on once every few weeks. I’m guessing she probably doesn’t take the dating sites all that seriously. Oh well. ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2011, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1483 "2011-04-18T05:36:10Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > \*I’m the type, and maybe this is a fault, that likes to get (the big) potential deal breaker type stuff out of the way as soon as possible. You’re also the type that’s single…don’t drop big bombs on the first date especially when it’s really not a big bomb at all. Look at it like this: In your opening email or first phone call, where she doesnt know you from a hole in the wall you’re introducing: - you might be a player making the rounds - her friend wasn’t that into you so do you think when she asks her friend about you her friend will give a glowing review or say “I dunno he was kind of boring” (not necessarily because you ARE boring, but just because SHE didn’t dig your sense of humor or whatever) - she might not think you going on a date with her friend is a big issue…except that you’re acting like it is so it MUST be. Like a guy who says “I’m a janitor but I’m not ashamed of that”. Whoever he’s talking to wouldn’t have thought it was anything to be ashamed of till he mentioned it like that Consider this: 1. most people date within their social circle. So it’s not uncommon to date someone who’s dated someone else you know. 2. you can always bring it up on date 2 when you know she likes you. “hey so confession time I went out with your friend but we didn’t click, akward hey. I didn’t want to bring it up before we even met up cause I didn’t know if that’d be weird to you” Disclosure and honesty is important in a relationship. But you two are not in a relationship and aren’t until you at least kiss. This is the classic guy mistake of acting like you’re “together” before you are. And it’s especially bad on the net because she has a full email inbox of guys to chose from and rejecting you is as simple as not responding. Just be playful and fun and invite her out. If she comes out, great, if not at least you won’t be laying awake in bed all week wondering! Before a girl is into you she’ll look for any reason to reject you. As soon as she’s into you she’ll look for any reason to justify being into you. Before she’s head over heels it’s “ew he dated my friend that could be weird and it didn’t go well so he must be lame”…BAM! NO DATE! After she likes you it will be “he dated my friend, so he must be a nice guy if she went out with him and sure it didnt work out but he makes me laugh and she probably just didn’t get his humor like I do”…BAM!! GIRLFRIEND! If it’s any consolation she probably won’t tell you in her first email that she has a dozen cats or is on medication or an ex that stalks her. 🙂 Don’t search her out on Facebook, it’s usually creepy to them, not romantic like in the movies. If you can’t get in touch with her, find a different girl till her email isnt full. - TWTTWN ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2011, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1484 "2011-04-18T05:57:00Z")
> [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > You’re also the type that’s single… Upon re-reading this sounds pretty snarky, sorry! I didnt mean it as an insult, just there’s that saying “continue to do what you’ve always done and you’ll continue to get the same results you’ve always gotten”. Try holding off until date 2 or 3 this time and see how it goes. - TWTTWN ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2011, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1485 "2011-04-18T20:06:34Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > Okay, next question. Would you email someone if you’ve already been on a date with their best friend? I certainly wouldn’t \*expect \*anything, but what have you got to lose? If you don’t contact her, you’re never going to go on a date; if you email her, the worst thing she can do is say no. And then you can stop even considering her as an option. I say go for it. > [@](#): > > I’m the type, and maybe this is a fault, that likes to get (the big) potential deal breaker type stuff out of the way as soon as possible. In general, I think this is a pretty good idea. Maybe not “first date” or “pre-date” material, but certainly sometime in the first couple of weeks. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2011, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1486 "2011-04-18T20:12:23Z")
> [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > Upon re-reading this sounds pretty snarky, sorry! I didnt mean it as an insult, just there’s that saying “continue to do what you’ve always done and you’ll continue to get the same results you’ve always gotten”. Try holding off until date 2 or 3 this time and see how it goes. > > - TWTTWN Here’s how I read that… > [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > You’re also the type that’s single… Wait what? > [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > You’re also the type that’s single… Fuck off, what the hell > [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > You’re also the type that’s single… Ohhhh, I get it, nevermind. Makes sense now. > [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > I say go for it. I tried, her mailbox is full. So it’s a no-go. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2011, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1487 "2011-04-18T20:19:15Z")
Yeah, I saw. I meant it as more of an “in general” type of thing. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2011, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1488 "2011-04-18T20:27:28Z")
This is just an idea- it probably wouldn’t even work. But one way you could contact her without having to go through another website would be to give her an award. Just a thought. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2011, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1489 "2011-04-18T20:32:15Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > This is just an idea- it probably wouldn’t even work. But one way you could contact her without having to go through another website would be to give her an award. Just a thought. Is that how that happens? From time to time I see awards that are clearly written as messages and just figure they’re from people to stoopid to work OKC. Maybe they’re smarter then I give them credit for…but probably not. Also, for anyone one Match, I’m sure you noticed the huge overhaul they just made. I signed on very soon after they made the switch and assuming I could probably put captions in with my pictures (I knew they were testing this out in some markets) went to go check that out. As I looked at my pictures I noticed something interesting, a little notation that said “0 Likes.” So Match has clearly implemented the ability to “like” other peoples pictures (O.P.P.?), I wonder what they plan to do with it. Will other people be able to see how many likes a picture has? Will other people be able to see who the likes are from? Will the owner of said picture be able to see who there from? Seems like it’ll give people a good way to stalk someone on Match. Should be interesting. ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2011, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1490 "2011-04-18T20:58:11Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > Here’s how I read that… > > Wait what? > > Fuck off, what the hell > > Ohhhh, I get it, nevermind. Makes sense now. Ya, my bad. I tend to be blunt with that one because I run into so many guys who are great guys but have really weird rules in their head. “I like this girl but I don’t make the first move, that’s my rule, so I’m waiting for her to tell me she wants to go out.” type stuff where it’s like dude, maybe it’s time to relax on your rule a little bit and try some new things out and see how it goes. 🙂 I really just hope everyone finds the relationships they’re looking for, but so many people shoot themselves in the foot with unproductive rules before they even get a chance to explore those relationships. - TWTTWN ---
**Author:** ![The\_Tao\_s\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@The\_Tao\_s\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Tao_s_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2011, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1491 "2011-04-23T14:02:14Z")
> [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > Play the games up to the first meet-up, THEN let the real stuff take over. It’s like getting your foot in the door so you have a CHANCE to connect with someone as a person, you know? Otherwise you’re stuck being this awesome guy that no one has a chance to see because you refuse to follow some really simple social guidelines for making sure you get that chance. It’s like refusing to comb your hair or take a shower and waiting for someone to just accept you that way…Take a shower and comb your hair so they get a chance to connect with the guy you are inside. > > Besides there’s plenty of time to get to know a girl after you have sex, that’s what breakfast is for. 😉 > > No but seriously, don’t waste time calling and E-Mailing feeling eachother out waiting for some magical connection, when you could be sitting face to face with her instead. Best-case you guys click and you’ve got yourself a girlfriend. Worst-case you meet someone new and spend the evening chatting with a cute chick and probably enjoy a good drink or food. There’s no downside to going for what you want! > > haha my roommate got a number from a girl one night and after the bar he was checking his phone every 30 seconds to see if she had txted back. When we got home I waited till he was in bed and then txted him “PSYCHE!!” and heard him shout “ASSHOLE!!” through the wall haha good times. 🙂 > > - TWTTWN You know, you’re right! I was coming back to report all that “real” crap was no go, and then I reread your post and there is much truth in it. Thanks! ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2011, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1492 "2011-04-30T00:34:34Z")
Next question…gave up on “full mailbox girl” I assume she knows her mailbox is full she keeps it that way for just this reason. Anyways. There’s someone else I keep running across. I think “hmmm, I should send her an email, why haven’t I yet” then I remember, it’s because her profile is a bit devoid of any real info. I mean, it’s not empty, as in written by an airhead, it’s written in an artsy fartsy way, if that makes sense. Also, it’s very short. Basically nothing to grab on to to write about. Nothing for me to say “Oh, you like trees? Me too!” if you know what I mean. I mean, she mentions documentaries, but I’d rather not base an entire email around that. Of course, she has a short profile, perhaps that’s deserving of a short email, maybe just a few sentences based on the documentaries thing. If I was a winker, she’d get a wink, that would be a lot easier. Any thoughts on this? She mentions outgoing and candid which tends not to be me anyways, I’d just like to send her an email and then hide her. I’m not expecting a reply, but at least I can say I tried…which is why I’d still like to put some effort into it and send her a nice email. ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2011, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1493 "2011-04-30T00:51:56Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > There’s someone else I keep running across. I think “hmmm, I should send her an email, why haven’t I yet” then I remember, it’s because her profile is a bit devoid of any real info. I mean, it’s not empty, as in written by an airhead, it’s written in an artsy fartsy way, if that makes sense. Also, it’s very short. Basically nothing to grab on to to write about. Nothing for me to say “Oh, you like trees? Me too!” if you know what I mean. I mean, she mentions documentaries, but I’d rather not base an entire email around that. Of course, she has a short profile, perhaps that’s deserving of a short email, maybe just a few sentences based on the documentaries thing. > If I was a winker, she’d get a wink, that would be a lot easier. > Any thoughts on this? She mentions outgoing and candid which tends not to be me anyways, I’d just like to send her an email and then hide her. I’m not expecting a reply, but at least I can say I tried…which is why I’d still like to put some effort into it and send her a nice email. Off the top of my head: > [@](#): > > You’re cute, and your artsy-fartsy profile is an interesting read…but it doesn’t say anything about yourself. Tell me something interesting about you that no one would guess when they first meet you. Or: > [@](#): > > You’re cute, but for an out-going, candid girl you don’t say much about yourself. Tell me something interesting about you that no one would guess when they first meet you. It’s more honest than pretending you watch nature documentaries. 🙂 - TWTTWN ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2011, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1494 "2011-04-30T01:03:23Z")
> [@](#): > > You’re cute, and your artsy-fartsy profile is an interesting read…but it doesn’t say anything about yourself. Tell me something interesting about you that no one would guess when they first meet you. > [@](#): > > You’re cute, but for an out-going, candid girl you don’t say much about yourself. Tell me something interesting about you that no one would guess when they first meet you. To me, these are winks. It looks like I’m emailing her because she’s cute but can’t find anything else to say. > [@](#): > > It’s more honest than pretending you watch nature documentaries I assume that’s a joke, but I watch plenty of documentaries, on top of that, I don’t just happen to watch them on TV, I actually go out of my way and _rent_ them from netflix. If I went that route, my plan was to mention some of the ones I’ve really enjoyed and go from there, Eyes of Tammy Faye, Smartest Guys in the Room, Jesus Camp etc and even some, gasp, nature ones. I even mention documentaries in my profile. ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2011, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1495 "2011-04-30T01:16:08Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > To me, these are winks. It looks like I’m emailing her because she’s cute but can’t find anything else to say. But isn’t that exactly the case? It’s not your fault she didn’t fill in more of her profile, you don’t have to scramble for scraps of info to craft an E-Mail that woo’s her. It’s perfectly okay to tell her look, I’m curious about you, but you didn’t write anything in your profile, so I’m E-Mailing you to see if you’re interesting as well as cute. Again, it’s honest and says you’re E-Mailing to find out about her as a person, not just because you think she’s cute. 🙂 > [@Joey\_P](#): > > I assume that’s a joke, but I watch plenty of documentaries, on top of that, I don’t just happen to watch them on TV, I actually go out of my way and _rent_ them from netflix. If I went that route, my plan was to mention some of the ones I’ve really enjoyed and go from there (Eyes of Tammy Faye, Smartest Guys in the Room, Jesus Camp etc) haha it was a joke, no worries. I just mean don’t pretend to be okay with behavior you’re not actually okay with, whether it’s pretending to like hobbies she likes but you aren’t into, or pretending it’s okay for her to have an empty profile when you don’t think that’s cool. How about something like: > [@](#): > > Hey, you’re cute and your profile’s an interesting read! But I can’t tell much from it except that you’re into documentaries. It sounds nerdy, but I even rent them to watch haha Have you seen (some cool documentary)? I thought it was fascinating how they (blah blah blah documentary stuff). > > So what do you do besides watch documentaries? For a girl who’s outgoing and candid, you must have plans for the weekend…it’s gorgeous out! Don’t stress it if you don’t get a response, it’s not a rejection of you as a person, online girls can be super finicky. You could write the greatest E-Mail in the universe and if she sees like, your height isn’t her preference, bam, you’re done…even if she’d love you if she met you in person. It’s pretty silly. 🙂 - TWTTWN ---
**Author:** ![Man\_from\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Man\_from\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_from_Mars)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2011, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1496 "2011-05-09T21:26:13Z")
Sorry if this has been asked already, but what does it mean when you’re looking through a list of people and some of them are in green? That is, there is a column on different women (or men) and their info, and some of them are highlighted in green, rather than plain color? ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2011, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1497 "2011-05-09T23:38:43Z")
> [@Tony](#): > > Sorry if this has been asked already, but what does it mean when you’re looking through a list of people and some of them are in green? That is, there is a column on different women (or men) and their info, and some of them are highlighted in green, rather than plain color? I assume you’re on Match, correct? That means nothing more then they pay an extra $2.84 per month to be highlighted in green…that’s it. ---
**Author:** ![Man\_from\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Man\_from\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_from_Mars)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2011, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1498 "2011-05-10T04:12:05Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > I assume you’re on Match, correct? That means nothing more then they pay an extra $2.84 per month to be highlighted in green…that’s it. Yeah, that’s it. For a hopeful moment I thought it might mean they favorited me or something like that. So far, after one week I’ve sent out about twenty e-mails and gotten back a big fat zero in reply. It’s quite depressing really. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2011, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1499 "2011-05-10T04:16:42Z")
> [@Tony](#): > > Yeah, that’s it. For a hopeful moment I thought it might mean they favorited me or something like that. So far, after one week I’ve sent out about twenty e-mails and gotten back a big fat zero in reply. It’s quite depressing really. If someone favorites you, Match will tell you…it’s a bit creepy really, not just because they tell you, but because there’s a link on the side that let’s you know who’s got you saved as a favorite. For that reason I won’t save people as a favorite, I feel kinda bad when I have to unfavorite them. OKC, OTOH, let’s you favorite someone without letting them know. Now…did you really think that many people favorited you? 😃 As for not getting replies…yeah, that’s kinda par for the course. ---
**Author:** ![Man\_from\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Man\_from\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_from_Mars)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2011, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1500 "2011-05-10T04:41:48Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > If someone favorites you, Match will tell you…it’s a bit creepy really, not just because they tell you, but because there’s a link on the side that let’s you know who’s got you saved as a favorite. For that reason I won’t save people as a favorite, I feel kinda bad when I have to unfavorite them. OKC, OTOH, let’s you favorite someone without letting them know. > Now…did you really think that many people favorited you? 😃 > > As for not getting replies…yeah, that’s kinda par for the course. Wow, I had no idea that anyone knew I was favoriting them. I thought it was just a way to help you organize a short list of who interested you. ---
**Author:** ![Man\_from\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Man\_from\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_from_Mars)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2011, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1501 "2011-05-14T05:23:39Z")
So I got five people to favorite me. And I got a couple of IMs – always from someone in another part of the country. Then, when I click on any of their links: “Oops this profile doesn’t exist.” Considering how unsuccesful I’ve been so far, even getting an IM from a phantom is a step in the right direction, I guess. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=74) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=76)