# The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 27, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978 "2010-05-27T18:50:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 81
**Author:** ![interface2x](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@interface2x](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interface2x)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2011, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1602 "2011-06-16T13:37:30Z")
> [@FoieGrasIsEvil](#): > > Ah. Oops then. Apparently\*\* interface2x\*\* got to my profile somehow. Sorry, that was the joke - I got sent to my own profile. Hence why we look so similar and have the same interests šŸ˜‰ Oh, and Iā€™m a guy, sorry! šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2011, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1603 "2011-06-16T15:55:52Z")
> [@interface2x](#): > > Sorry, that was the joke - I got sent to my own profile. Hence why we look so similar and have the same interests šŸ˜‰ > > Oh, and Iā€™m a guy, sorry! šŸ˜ƒ Oh, I know. I figured it out. Good one! ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2011, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1604 "2011-06-16T16:03:14Z")
> [@FoieGrasIsEvil](#): > > Is this any different? > > [http://www.okcupid.com/profile/sgenetti](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/sgenetti) I checked you out and thought it was nice. If I was single and in your area, I would have winked šŸ™‚ ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2011, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1605 "2011-06-16T20:18:02Z")
> [@melodyharmonius](#): > > I checked you out and thought it was nice. If I was single and in your area, I would have winked šŸ™‚ I saw that wink button. I am afraid to use it. Is it just a way to say ā€œhey, I think you are sorta cuteā€ without having to type a message? ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2011, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1606 "2011-06-16T20:45:32Z")
> [@FoieGrasIsEvil](#): > > I saw that wink button. I am afraid to use it. Is it just a way to say ā€œhey, I think you are sorta cuteā€ without having to type a message? Yea - itā€™s like an online version of a friendly nod/smile across the bar at someone to let them know you are interested. It gives them a heads up that theyā€™d like you to check them out in return and see if you are compatible. If you wink back, they might say hello. Where Iā€™m an ā€œacquired tasteā€ - I often wink before I message someone. If they view my profile and donā€™t wink or message me, I assume something about me was unappealing and move on. On some paid sites, people will wink or flirt because itā€™s the only way they can communicate with you for free. I know one website I was on, a paid member can contact you and then you can reply, but a non-paid member canā€™t initiate emails. Some sites wonā€™t let you communicate at all without playing - so then people will be (not so) creative in conveying their email address in their profiles. Donā€™t be afraid to wink šŸ™‚ ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2011, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1607 "2011-06-16T21:50:38Z")
> [@melodyharmonius](#): > > Donā€™t be afraid to wink šŸ™‚ Thanks for the explanation. From now on, I wonā€™t be, although I usually just send messages to people I think are attractive/interesting. I am currently talking to a woman across the river in Kentucky. Weā€™ll see where it goes. I think the fact that I included the information that I am separated and not yet legally divorced in my profile is possibly turning some women away. It canā€™t be my nose! It canā€™t be! šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2011, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1608 "2011-06-16T22:45:25Z")
> [@FoieGrasIsEvil](#): > > I think the fact that I included the information that I am separated and not yet legally divorced in my profile is possibly turning some women away. It canā€™t be my nose! It canā€™t be! > > šŸ˜ƒ I had good luck adding something along the lines of ā€œdonā€™t worry about the ā€˜currently separatedā€™ thing, the divorce will be final in [month]ā€ In fact, the only person that sent me a ā€œno thank youā€ after I sent her an email (instead of not replying at all) actually ended up replying to me after I added that line. She even mentioned that it was the ā€˜currently separatedā€™ part that turned her off at first. ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2011, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1609 "2011-06-16T23:17:50Z")
Re-reading this from an outsider looking in point of view reveals us to be a desperate lot of Dopers. _Looking for love in all the wrong places, Looking for love in too many facesā€¦_ šŸ˜ƒ Seriously thoughā€¦does going onto the internet in order to try to facilitate a date seem a littleā€¦_strange_, or disconnected somehow to you? It does to me. I feel like a stalker when I visit some womanā€™s profile more than onceā€¦because I soon realized that everyone knows when everyone else is ā€œchecking them outā€. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2011, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1610 "2011-06-16T23:31:50Z")
> [@FoieGrasIsEvil](#): > > Seriously thoughā€¦does going onto the internet in order to try to facilitate a date seem a littleā€¦_strange_, or disconnected somehow to you? It does to me. I feel like a stalker when I visit some womanā€™s profile more than onceā€¦because I soon realized that everyone knows when everyone else is ā€œchecking them outā€. On OKC you can browse while logged out or anonymously. If you browse anonymously though you canā€™t see whose looked at you. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2011, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1611 "2011-06-17T00:29:54Z")
> [@FoieGrasIsEvil](#): > > Re-reading this from an outsider looking in point of view reveals us to be a desperate lot of Dopers. > > _Looking for love in all the wrong places, > Looking for love in too many facesā€¦_ > > šŸ˜ƒ > > Seriously thoughā€¦does going onto the internet in order to try to facilitate a date seem a littleā€¦_strange_, or disconnected somehow to you? It does to me. I feel like a stalker when I visit some womanā€™s profile more than onceā€¦because I soon realized that everyone knows when everyone else is ā€œchecking them outā€. Going to the Internet to get a date is not strange or desperate. Internet dating is mainstream; itā€™s the future. You just got out of a marriage and youā€™re in your early forties. It probably was just becoming acceptable right after you got married. That being said, I agree with you about the stalking bit. If you check out a womanā€™s profile too many times, especially if you donā€™t message her, it can make you look creepy. Sometimes it seems like Iā€™ve checked out all the most interesting women in my area already, and I donā€™t live in a small town or something like that. Iā€™m getting less visitors now too. Sometimes I check out a womanā€™s profile without realizing Iā€™ve already checked it out. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2011, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1612 "2011-06-17T00:34:10Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > Sometimes it seems like Iā€™ve checked out all the most interesting women in my area already, and I donā€™t live in a small town or something like that. Iā€™m getting less visitors now too. Sometimes I check out a womanā€™s profile without realizing Iā€™ve already checked it out. Thatā€™s where I am. I feel like Iā€™ve officially emailed all the girls I have any interest in (that have been on in the past few months). At this point I feel like Iā€™m just keeping my eyes open for new members or old members coming back online. I keep telling myself I should just shut down my profiles for a few months so that when I come back itā€™ll be all new people. Having said that, thereā€™s always hope that one of the people Iā€™ve emailed will ā€˜come aroundā€™ and reply to me, even if itā€™s months later. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2011, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1613 "2011-06-17T00:48:16Z")
I just favorited all the Dopers I recognized from my visitors on OKC so I can keep track of yā€™all. I hope that doesnā€™t come across as creepy. Iā€™ve gotten some strange visitors lately that I think must be Dopers, but Iā€™m not sure: a 24 year old male from San Diego, a 27 year old male from San Francisco, a 27 year old female from Australia, a 37 year old male from Philadelphia, a 37 year old from Maryland, a 22 year old from Illinois. I canā€™t think of any other reason Iā€™d be getting dudes looking at me, especially from far away. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2011, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1614 "2011-06-17T00:55:14Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > Thatā€™s where I am. I feel like Iā€™ve officially emailed all the girls I have any interest in (that have been on in the past few months). At this point I feel like Iā€™m just keeping my eyes open for new members or old members coming back online. I keep telling myself I should just shut down my profiles for a few months so that when I come back itā€™ll be all new people. Having said that, thereā€™s always hope that one of the people Iā€™ve emailed will ā€˜come aroundā€™ and reply to me, even if itā€™s months later. I disabled my account in early November and reenabled it only a couple of months ago. It wasnā€™t all new people when I came back. I canā€™t hold it against them because Iā€™m still on it too. Before I disabled my account, one of my top matches deleted hers. When I got back on, she had a new name/main pic. I recognized her from a secondary pic, plus her new name is similar to her old. Weā€™re still a 95% match. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2011, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1615 "2011-06-17T01:04:08Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > I disabled my account in early November and reenabled it only a couple of months ago. It wasnā€™t all new people when I came back. I canā€™t hold it against them because Iā€™m still on it too. Before I disabled my account, one of my top matches deleted hers. When I got back on, she had a new name/main pic. I recognized her from a secondary pic, plus her new name is similar to her old. Weā€™re still a 95% match. I should have worded it differently. Between Match and OKC, thereā€™s probably (within my default search specs) about, oh letā€™s say, 10-20 new users per week. Of those 10-20 maybe 1-2 will ping my radar and Iā€™ll keep an eye on them as they develop their profiles and add pictures. All in all, I probably initiate contact 2 or 3 girls a month\* and rarely hear back and when I do it fizzles out. What I was saying above is that if I were to leave for a few months, I could come back to maybe 30 or so new people that I would consider emailing. More then anything it would just be so I wouldnā€™t be sitting in front of my laptop refreshing the home page 20 times a night wondering if anyone looked at my page. \*I should clarify that I email 2 or 3 new people a month _now_ as I said a few posts ago, Iā€™m at the point where everyone that I have any interest in thatā€™s been on for any length of time Iā€™ve already emailed. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2011, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1616 "2011-06-17T04:04:14Z")
> [@Tony](#): > > Anyway, I still have two months on the subscription and might as well give it a shot. I honestly donā€™t think there is anything I can or need to do to fix up my profile. Some guys just donā€™t have it, I suppose. No, it doesnā€™t necessarily mean you did anything wrong. Most guys on dating sites donā€™t get a ton of replies from what I hear from my male friends. You donā€™t need to get a ton of replies to be successful. You just need one. Just keep trying and sooner or later you will meet the right person. If there is anything to try to change in your profile, Iā€™d say remember to try to portray confidence and respect for yourself. People will take a cue from you in how they treat you. If you portray yourself like you think youā€™re a good person with something to offer others that is how they will respond to you. If you act like you think of yourself as a sad sack (which is kind of how your post here comes across honestly), then that will likely turn off the emotionally healthy women out there. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2011, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1617 "2011-06-17T04:35:11Z")
> [@FoieGrasIsEvil](#): > > Seriously thoughā€¦does going onto the internet in order to try to facilitate a date seem a littleā€¦_strange_, or disconnected somehow to you? It does to me. I want someone whoā€™s as much of a geek as I am. I want someone who enjoys playing MMOs. I want someone who knows what Memebase is, or would find it funny. Where am I going to have better luck? Online or at a bar? Yes, yes, I know theyā€™re not the only two choices. The general point holds, though. ---
**Author:** ![Sierra\_Indigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Sierra\_Indigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sierra_Indigo)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2011, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1618 "2011-06-17T05:28:49Z")
> [@Tony](#): > > Well, this experiment has been a disaster for me. No dates after one month, only two or three replies that fizzled almost immediately. Is it my profile? My pictures? My job? My pets? I have no idea. One of the first things people say you should do in a profile is make sure your grammar is perfect. I have no problem with my grammar. I donā€™t know what it is. Am I saying the wrong things? Should I be funny or serious? I always figured one should just be himself. > > Anyway, I thought this could help me out. Iā€™m somewhat shy in the real world and painfully afraid of approaching people. I can handle a conversation if someone starts one with me but rarely start one with a stranger. But women never approach a man so Iā€™m pretty much screwed. Itā€™s different if you know someone over time, like in school. Itā€™s easier to break the ice that way. But Iā€™m not in school anymore and am pretty much limited to women I see in the neighborhood and itā€™s pretty intimidating to just ask some woman for a date the first (and potentially only) time you see her. > > Anyway, I still have two months on the subscription and might as well give it a shot. I honestly donā€™t think there is anything I can or need to do to fix up my profile. Some guys just donā€™t have it, I suppose. Okay, and Iā€™m not doing this specifically to pick on you but it encapsulates an example of what Iā€™m thinking - this attitude bugs the SHIT out of me. Online dating is not a magical panacea. Itā€™s not going to throw thousands of girls who are perfect for you right in your lap immediately. Itā€™s going to take more than a month, more than two months - hell, sometimes it might take a few years. And it takes WORK. Itā€™s very much feast or famine. Sometimes youā€™ve got NOBODY interested in you, despite people eyeing up your profile every few minutes. Then suddenly you might get a dozen contacts in a short period of time. But none of them pan out, and youā€™re back to famine again. But mein gott in himmell - when I see a post like this, on here, or on the dating sites, in journals or in blogs, hell, even in their profiles sometimes (yes, Iā€™ve seen it), I want to get all up and slap the guy. It is so self-pitying, and absolutely reeks of fishing for validation and compliments - ā€œOh, I donā€™t know why I bother. Nobody wants to contact me. Other guys have it, I guess I just donā€™tā€ mope mope mope. I get itā€™s frustrating. Iā€™ve been factually separated for just under 9 months, and in reality my husband and I have not been ā€œtogetherā€ for nearly a year. In that time Iā€™ve had approximately 6 dates. Thatā€™s less than one date a month. And Iā€™m a chick with active profiles on five sites and dormant profiles on another two. Women are supposed to be flooded with offers, apparently. Well it depends on what you mean by ā€œfloodedā€. Often times itā€™s just guys fishing for anything they can get. The actual proportion of guys I want to get to know better because their profiles indicate we have something (anything!) in common is abyssmally low. But the thing is that the attitude of ā€œOh I give up, thereā€™s no hope for meā€ comes through in your interactions with members of the opposite sex. If youā€™re ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop, because oh itā€™s all too hard and she canā€™t really want to speak to me, and oh those other guys are more attractive and so on, then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And when I come across a guy whoā€™s got that ā€œauraā€ around him, no matter how perfect things seem to be in every other way, I find myself shying away because I donā€™t feel like dealing with propping up someone elseā€™s ego when Iā€™m too busy trying to sort out my own. Iā€™ve found once I accepted that thereā€™s going to be times when it feels like nobody in the world wants to even look at me, let alone date me, but that IN TIME theyā€™ll be balanced by periods where Iā€™m so busy I wonā€™t even have time to scratch myself and I stopped obsessively watching my hits and inbox, that things started flowing a bit more. I got more confident about contacting people, and accepting sometimes my contact will fall on deaf ears or Iā€™ll be rejected outright. And itā€™s becoming easier every day. ---
**Author:** ![pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2011, 8:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1619 "2011-06-17T08:56:59Z")
> [@Sierra\_Indigo](#): > > Iā€™ve found once I accepted that thereā€™s going to be times when it feels like nobody in the world wants to even look at me, let alone date me, but that IN TIME theyā€™ll be balanced by periods where Iā€™m so busy I wonā€™t even have time to scratch myself and I stopped obsessively watching my hits and inbox. Well, itā€™s a good attitude you have, but when youā€™re in the ā€œfamineā€ phase, it seems puzzling and I think **Tony** ā€™s just trying to figure it out. Itā€™s especially puzzling at the outset, but thereā€™s always something odd about online dating in that you can contact twelve people in a row whose profiles seem custom-made for you and get zero responseā€“the rational thing is to wonder ā€œAm I doing anything wrong here?ā€ and the super-rational reponse is to realize that there IS no reason sometimes. Sometimes theyā€™ve just found someone to date. Sometimes theyā€™ve got back with their ex-. Sometimes theyā€™ve gotten cold feet on the online-dating thing. Sometimes youā€™ve got something innocuous and necessary in your profile, like youā€™ve got pets the person is allergic toā€“and the way itā€™s set up, youā€™ll never know what went wrong. So you soldier on, but one does get discouraged from time to time. BTW, I mis-read ā€œI stopped obsessively watching my hits and inboxā€ at first. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2011, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1620 "2011-06-17T15:21:22Z")
> [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > I looked at her questions and she wants the father of her children to be the same race and isnā€™t offended by racist jokes. She might be a white supremacist! Or she doesnā€™t have the courage to deal with a dozen questions a day about where she adopted her kids from, and she thinks racist jokes are funny because of what they reveal about racist attitudes. Or, yeah, the first time she took you home youā€™d find a sheet hanging in her closet. > [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > **SFG** , I donā€™t recall your OKC handle; what is it? Iā€™ve never posted it here; Iā€™ll PM you. (That goes for anyone else who wants to know, tooā€“just ask.) > [@Joey\_P](#): > > I email nice intelligent people like you all the time, with no response, but clearly people like you are responding to someone. I respond to everyone whose PMs to me have more substance than ā€œlolsup,ā€ even if they donā€™t look interesting. Even if itā€™s just to politely decline their attentions because they tripped my Douchebag Sense. (I should post here the hilarious exchange I had with one of those a couple of weeks ago.) > [@](#): > > In the mean time, I get emails from girls that use words like ā€œwotā€, ā€œyudā€ (youā€™d), ā€œurā€, ā€œnā€ (and), and ā€œhunanā€ (no idea). Hunan is a type of Chinese food, stereotypically misspelled on Chinese restaurant menus as ā€œHuman.ā€ > [@interface2x](#): > > Whoa, he looks just like me! And we have all the same interests. MAKE OUT GOGOGO > [@FoieGrasIsEvil](#): > > Whatā€™s the ā€œrookie moveā€? The link goes to my profile? When you view your own profile, the link doesnā€™t include the username. That means that itā€™s directing to the profile of whoever is logged in at the time. The ā€œrookie moveā€ was viewing your own profile and then simply cutting and pasting the URL instead of reading what it said first. > [@FoieGrasIsEvil](#): > > Seriously thoughā€¦does going onto the internet in order to try to facilitate a date seem a littleā€¦_strange_, or disconnected somehow to you? No. Makes just as much sense, if not more, than randomly meeting people through some other activity. This is just more efficient. > [@Invisible\_Chimp](#): > > I canā€™t think of any other reason Iā€™d be getting dudes looking at me, especially from far away. Unless youā€™re so awesome that your mere existence is enough to warp the sexual preferences of men within a radius that extends for thousands of miles. > [@Sierra\_Indigo](#): > > Okay, and Iā€™m not doing this specifically to pick on you but it encapsulates an example of what Iā€™m thinking - this attitude bugs the SHIT out of me. Online dating is not a magical panacea. Itā€™s not going to throw thousands of girls who are perfect for you right in your lap immediately. Itā€™s going to take more than a month, more than two months - hell, sometimes it might take a few years. [ā€¦] But mein gott in himmell - when I see a post like this, on here, or on the dating sites, in journals or in blogs, hell, even in their profiles sometimes (yes, Iā€™ve seen it), I want to get all up and slap the guy. It is so self-pitying, and absolutely reeks of fishing for validation and compliments - ā€œOh, I donā€™t know why I bother. Nobody wants to contact me. Other guys have it, I guess I just donā€™tā€ mope mope mope. [ā€¦] But the thing is that the attitude of ā€œOh I give up, thereā€™s no hope for meā€ comes through in your interactions with members of the opposite sex. This is a lot more bluntly than I would have put it in this thread (shocking, I know), but **this times a thousand**. A month? A month is fucking nothing. And yes, that defeatist attitude is going to come across in everything you say. If \*you \*donā€™t think youā€™re worth dating, nobody \*else \*is going to, either. Sure, there are some people who want someone they can walk all over, or who they can be miserable together with, but IME what most people are looking for is someone else who thinks they themselves are a pretty nifty person to be with. A couple of boyfriends ago, when I broke up with the guy, he stormed out fuming that he ā€œalways knew he wasnā€™t good enough for me.ā€ And that was one of the the biggest reasons I broke up with him: not that he \*wasnā€™t \*good enough for me, but that he _always_, and _obviously_, \*felt \*that he wasnā€™t, and nothing I could say or do was going to change that. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2011, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978/1621 "2011-06-17T15:49:57Z")
To add to what Sierra and SFG said, Iā€™ll relay my own history. Broke up with my boyfriend two (yes, 2) years ago (we are still close friends, and in fact, ended our relationship to save the friendship\*). I took a couple-few months to recenter myself and reactivated my OKC profile and rejoined EH (where I met the ex). Up until this week, Iā€™ve gone on exactly 3 dates, maybe 4. Iā€™ve had contact through the sites with maybe 3 times the number of dates, but nothing panned out (either on my end, or his). Sure, I would get frustrated and take a short break here and there, but overall, I just continued on continuing on. Met a (potentially) very nice guy on Tuesday (after a couple emails) and we are going out again this Sunday. Will it go past that? Who knows. And thatā€™s alright because sooner or later, the planets will align again. My point in that was you really canā€™t ā€œcomplainā€ about nothing happening after one month when itā€™s taken two years to find anyone even slightly promising. If I didnā€™t become bitter and discouraged and all ā€œwoe is meā€, then you definitely shouldnā€™t! Learn to cultivate a little patience, donā€™t want it too much, and things will happen when they should happen. \*Different story for a different thread. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=80) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ongoing-online-dating-advice-thread/540978.md?page=82)