# The Onion - J'Accuse! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [September 26, 2005, 7:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461 "2005-09-26T07:12:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![F.U.Shakespeare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aca169/32.png) [@F.U.Shakespeare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/F.U.Shakespeare)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2005, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461/41 "2005-09-27T15:16:30Z")
**Cloned Cat Neutered** **49-Year-Old Roofer Declares College a 'Waste of Time’** **Bush Finds Error in Fermi Lab Report** – the article was just as good, and included a photo of Bush addressing an attentive, lab-coated crowd in front of a chalkboard full of higher mathematics. ---
**Author:** ![Bytegeist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9dc877/32.png) [@Bytegeist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bytegeist)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2005, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461/42 "2005-09-28T14:08:38Z")
We could go on forever here I suppose, but here’s a killer from the very latest issue: **Congress Abandons WikiConstitution** ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461/43 "2005-09-29T14:58:18Z")
As a Royals fan, [this article](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/41193) has vaulted to the top of my list. Man, when your team is an Onion headline, you know they’ve transcended mere suckitude. ---
**Author:** ![liberty3701](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3d9bf3/32.png) [@liberty3701](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/liberty3701)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461/44 "2005-09-29T16:46:14Z")
[79 Percent of Americans Missing the Point Entirely](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29245) ---
**Author:** ![ethelbert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/958977/32.png) [@ethelbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ethelbert)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461/45 "2005-09-29T18:07:21Z")
I don’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![YellowTail](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/b5ac83/32.png) [@YellowTail](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YellowTail)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2005, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461/46 "2005-09-29T22:31:46Z")
Clinton feels nation’s pain, breasts ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2005, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461/47 "2005-09-30T02:31:44Z")
The one that probably made me laugh the hardest, if only because I used to be unable to turn around without somebody reading that “Those were the times I carried you” poem (it was _HUGE_ in rural Alabama in the 80s) was [Bullshit Jesus! Those are MY footprints!](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/34168) It includes the lines > [@](#): > > See the footprints at the time of my divorce? You’ll notice that the sandaled footprints drift off from the docksider ones. They lead to that picnic bench over there, the one with the cigarette butts scattered all over. It appears that in my darkest hour, instead of carrying me, you sat on a stump and had a couple of smokes! Random ones I’ve loved: [I Can’t Stand it When Jews Talk During Movies](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/34094) [Why Somebody Always Around Every Time I Drop My Baby?](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/37495) [Reader’s Digest: Humor in Uniform Submissions at All Time Low](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/37483) [God Gives Shout Out Back to All His Niggaz](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28251) Nation’s Dog Owners Want to Know, ‘Who’s a Good Boy?’ [Kevin Bacon Linked to Al-Quaeda](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27669) ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2005, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461/48 "2005-09-30T02:35:05Z")
From before the invasion- \*\*[Bush on North Korea: ‘We Must Invade Iraq’](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27599) \*\* ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2005, 8:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461/49 "2005-10-02T08:58:24Z")
Two entries from this week: [1](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/40984)= EVERYBODY who’s ever been a liberal arts major especially can related to this headline [2](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/41212)- read the sections ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2005, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461/50 "2005-10-02T17:39:25Z")
_**Letter D Pulls Sponsorship From Sesame Street: Noted Consonant Alienated By Controversial New Gay Muppet**_ > [@The Onion](#): > > The gay muppet, “Roger,” will be introduced on Sesame Street Dec. 23, CTW director Leslie Charren said. Thus far, no other sponsors have pulled out, though the number seven has requested an advance tape of the episode before it makes a decision. [http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29765](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29765) My other favorite is an old, old comic strip they ran, contrasting the careers of a philosophy major and business major. I can’t remember the whole thing, but the last frame is “Philosophy major, bitter and disillusioned, but a damn good fry cook.” ---
**Author:** ![cornflakes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@cornflakes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cornflakes)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2005, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461/51 "2005-10-02T18:12:59Z")
[Mothership Accidentally Descends On Hootie Concert](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30102) > [@](#): > > “The man who came out of the spaceship attempted to shoot me with something he called a ‘Bop Gun,’” lead singer Darius Rucker told reporters. “Somehow I sensed it would be detrimental to my career as a singer.” > > “I did not wish to get ‘funked up,’” said (concertgoer) Roger Kleist, 33. “If I did, I would have attended a Dave Matthews Band concert.” ---
**Author:** ![ITR\_champion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c67d28/32.png) [@ITR\_champion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ITR_champion)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2005, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461/52 "2005-10-02T18:37:31Z")
[No Jennifer Lopez News Today](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28660) That’s probably not the funniest headline ever, but it’s the best one I can remember right now. And it’s all the funnier because she disappeared from the spotlight entirely a few months after that. ---
**Author:** ![elmwood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmwood/32/3060_2.png) [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2005, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461/53 "2005-10-02T20:32:48Z")
_ **Oy gevalt!** _ The Onion stole my Kosher stock car! From the [Rejected NASCAR Products](http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=1310907) [Fark.com](http://Fark.com) Photoshop context on January 21, 2005: [http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/1162/koshernascar1jv.jpg](http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/1162/koshernascar1jv.jpg) The photo is now gone from the thread, but you can confirm its presence by the comment from Polishwonder74 at the end of the thread. From [this week’s Onion sports section](http://www.theonion.com/content/sports): [http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/4946/onionimagearticle1286article0d.jpg](http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/4946/onionimagearticle1286article0d.jpg) “Jew-Sponsored Stock Car Booed Off Track” ---
**Author:** ![jweb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/71c47a/32.png) [@jweb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jweb)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2005, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461/54 "2005-10-03T00:38:02Z")
[My Anti-Drug is Alcohol](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33360) For my roommate who just recently quit his job waiting tables: [Waitstaff Tired of Sleeping With Each Other](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39433) Or the recent classic: [Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New ‘Intelligent Falling’ Theory](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39512) I also like this one: [New Study Finds Jack Shit](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28756) ---
**Author:** ![Equipoise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/equipoise/32/151_2.png) [@Equipoise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Equipoise)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2005, 8:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461/55 "2005-10-03T08:44:29Z")
Some of my favorites have been mentioned already, such as the entirety of the post-9/11 issue, but here are some I haven’t seen here yet. [God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy. “No” says God.](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28812/print) The online version doesn’t have the “‘No’ says God” but we often get the paper version here in Chicago and it was in the hard copy, so that’s how I always think of it. [Dog Urine Lowers Heart-Attack Risk, Say Snickering Researchers](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29429) [Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs ‘Oh, Shit,’ Says Humanity](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28315) And this one is my all-time favorite. When we walked by the newstand and saw it, I laughed so hard I think I peed my pants a little . I was useless for hours afterward: [Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30832) > [@](#): > > “This is an incredible find,” said Dr. Christian Hutchins, Oxford University archaeologist and head of the dig team. “Imagine: At one time, this entire area was filled with spooky, bony, walking skeletons.” > > “The implications are staggering,” Hutchins continued. “We now know that the skeletons we see in horror films and on Halloween are not mere products of the imagination, but actually lived on Earth.” It still makes me laugh. ---
**Author:** ![Nutty\_Bunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d07c76/32.png) [@Nutty\_Bunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nutty_Bunny)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2005, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461/56 "2005-10-03T12:44:35Z")
This was one of the first _Onion_ articles I had ever read. The headline alone isn’t the funniest, but the article was cute. [Hamster Thrown From Remote-Control Monster Truck](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28649) > [@](#): > > According to reports, the toy vehicle was racing through a living-room obstacle course–which included a coffee-table-coaster slalom, a cardboard ramp, and a Dixie-cup pyramid–when it swerved out of control and crashed into a Lincoln Log structure, sending the hamster flying through the monster truck’s driver-side window and knocking over three nearby Fisher-Price Little People. > [@](#): > > Monday’s crash marks the fourth time that Harry, 1, has found himself involved in dangerous play. In October 2000, Harry was placed on the back of family dog Raggles, who ran through several rooms within the house before being stopped by mother Lorraine Bourke. On Feb. 20, he was strapped to an army-man parachute and dropped from a second-story window. Three days later, the hamster was placed inside his glow-in-the-dark run-about ball and pushed down a flight of stairs. Both acts occurred with no parents in the vicinity and were never brought to trial. This one is my favorite headline, from 3 weeks after 9/11/01: [A Shattered Nation Longs to Care About Stupid Bullshit Again](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28129) > [@](#): > > Three weeks after the horrific attacks that claimed more than 6,000 lives, many Americans are wondering when their priorities will finally be in the wrong place again. Some are wondering if their priorities will ever be in the wrong place again. > [@](#): > > When Mariah Carey’s latest breakdown is once again treated as front-page news, that is the day the healing will have truly begun. > [@](#): > > Where have you gone, J. Lo? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you. ---
**Author:** ![Rodgers01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@Rodgers01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rodgers01)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2005, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461/57 "2005-10-05T12:52:19Z")
> [@aldiboronti](#): > > I accuse the writers of The Onion of conspiring together to slay me by laughter. [This one](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/40764) almost finished me off, I’m still in recovery. > > **Bush Braces As Cindy Sheehan’s Other Son Drowns In New Orleans** > > Curse them! Any other candidates for best Onion headline ever? For those who liked this article, check [this](http://www.usajobs.opm.gov/) out – it’s the official government jobs website. The picture they have on their home page of a smiling government worker is the same picture the Onion uses of Cindy Sheehan’s supposed other son. It’s funny – I always thought the Onion grabbed people around the office to pose for their photographs; surely they don’t just troll the web for pictures? If that’s the case, I wanna know who those people in the daily question segment are, and what they think of their mini-fame. ---
**Author:** ![Rodgers01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@Rodgers01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rodgers01)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2005, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461/58 "2005-10-05T12:57:44Z")
Slight amend to my post above. Looks like the website cycles through a couple different pictures before getting to “Tyler Sheehan.” Link to the isolated picture is [here](http://media.newjobs.com/opm/www/usajobs/0104/NEW_usajobshome_slices_wkr.jpg). ---
**Author:** ![Cliffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cliffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cliffy)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2005, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461/59 "2005-10-05T13:57:06Z")
> [@Rodgers01](#): > > surely they don’t just troll the web for pictures? Since the photo from the government website is cropped differently, I expect they just bought it from the same stock photo agency. –Cliffy ---
**Author:** ![cowgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8c91f0/32.png) [@cowgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cowgirl)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2005, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461/60 "2005-10-05T14:19:03Z")
I weep with laughter. **God Angrily Clarifies “Do Not Kill” rule** (9/11 issue) **Area Bassist Fellated** **New Study Shows: Babies are Stupid** (from the book) There was another one that I can’t remember, having to do with allegations about oppression by The Man. The article contained something like “The Man reports that he was hurt by these allegations. ‘I had no idea people felt this way!’ The Man was quoted as saying …” Can anyone help? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-jaccuse/323461.md?page=4)